Free Republic

The hottest job on the market right now is being the Iranian Ayatollah, but why is everyone suddenly buzzing about it? Here are just eight of the most incredible perks that come with being the new Supreme Leader: Neat hat that can easily hide a bag of Cheetos: Very few jobs out there right now offering Cheeto hats. Free pagers: People will literally just give them to you. Job is secure even if you lose your legs: How many careers can say that? Can issue fatwas against anyone who annoys you: Telemarketer calls during dinner -- fatwa. Falafel truck...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Just in time for St. Patrick's Day, San Francisco officials spared no expense in dyeing all the poop on the city's sidewalks green. "Wow! It's so festive!" remarked one homeless man. "I should poop on the sidewalk more often." The project, spearheaded by Mayor Daniel Lurie, was reportedly a clever way to capitalize on the St. Patrick's Day holiday while also making the city's sidewalks slightly less revolting. Residents reacted favorably to the festive new sidewalks and claimed that it made the city feel that much more Irish. "There's still poop everywhere, but at least...

TEHRAN — At President Donald Trump's direction, the U.S. military successfully took out Iran's new gay supreme leader by luring him out of his bunker with a cardboard cutout of Baywatch star David Hasselhoff. As part of Operation Hot Hoff, SEAL Team Six reportedly trained night and day for weeks ahead of a planned ground incursion in which they strategically set up a cardboard cutout of David Hasselhoff designed to look lost and in need of male companionship. It was only a matter of time before Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei, who sources indicated was gay, fell for the devious trap and...

TEHRAN — At President Donald Trump's direction, the U.S. military successfully took out Iran's new gay supreme leader by luring him out of his bunker with a cardboard cutout of Baywatch star David Hasselhoff. As part of Operation Hot Hoff, SEAL Team Six reportedly trained night and day for weeks ahead of a planned ground incursion in which they strategically set up a cardboard cutout of David Hasselhoff designed to look lost and in need of male companionship. It was only a matter of time before Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei, who sources indicated was gay, fell for the devious trap and...

TEHRAN — With rumors about his sexual preferences circulating amid the ongoing military conflict ravaging his country, the new Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei was reportedly disappointed to learn that the 72 virgins awaiting him in paradise were all women. Sources within the regime revealed that the recently chosen supreme leader had called his most trusted Muslim scholars to search the Quran to determine if the 72 virgins awaiting martyrs in paradise had to be female. "You could tell he was pretty bummed," said one insider. "We've all heard the rumors for years, and his father tried to keep it under...

Cuban citizen Pedro Quiala Carmenate says "there's no food, there's no electricity and there's no medical care. Now that Trump has liberated the people of Venezuela from the brutal rule of Nicolas Maduro, we are hoping he will liberate Cuba from President Miguel Diaz-Canel's Communist tyranny." Founder of the Patriotic Union of Cuba José Daniel Ferrer asserted "the majority of Cubans want the Americans to intervene because they are living through the worst period of the 67-year dictatorship. As we achieve a historic transformation in Venezuela, we're also looking forward to the great change that will soon be coming to...

New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani is urging the state government to reduce the estate tax exemption from its current $7 million threshold down to $750,000 and raise the tax rate on estates from its current 16% to 50%. "Ideally, there would be no private property," he said. "Why should a person who has stolen millions of dollars from the collective be allowed to pass any of it to his heirs. In the Communist Manifesto, Marx called for the abolition of private property. When a person dies all that he possesses should be seized by the government so it can...

Instead of fighting over a 21-mile-wide bottleneck forever, we cut a new channel through friendly territory. A dozen thermonuclear detonations and you’ve got a waterway wider than the Panama Canal, deeper than the Suez, and safe from Iranian attacks. ...

In 2020, 65% of Virginia's voters approved a Congressional district map that resulted in the state electing six Democrats and five Republicans--a 55% to 45% split--to represent the state in Washington, DC. The Democrat majority in the state legislature is presenting a new map that is expected to result in the state electing ten Democrats and one Republican--a 91% to 9% split--to represent the state in Washington. The ballot language asks voters: "Should the Constitution of Virginia be amended to allow the General Assembly to temporarily adopt new congressional districts to restore fairness in the upcoming elections, while ensuring Virginia's...

The latest poll of registered voters from NBC News found that President Trump was viewed less unfavorably than the two leading Democrats contenders for the 2028 presidential nomination. Trump's percentages were 41% positive to 53% negative for a net -12%. Gov. California Gavin Newsom's were 27% positive to 45% negative for a net -18%. Former Vice-President Kamala Harris' were 34% positive to 51% negative for a net of -17%. Comparisons for the Republican and Democrat Parties were similar. Voters rated Republicans as 37% positive to 51% negative for a net -14%. Democrats were rated 30% positive to 52% negative for...

TEHRAN — Rumors of the Ayatollah regime's nefarious plot to launch an assault on the west coast of the United States hit a snag on Wednesday, as Iran canceled plans to attack California after seeing Gavin Newsom had already destroyed it. The Iranian government had issued threats that it was prepared to take revenge on the U.S. by launching attacks against California, but leaders were said to have reconsidered their plan after intelligence reports showed that the state had been completely decimated under Newsom's leadership. "You can't destroy something that's already destroyed," said a spokesman for the supreme leader. "We...

NEW YORK, NY — As giant mutant spiders attacked the Big Apple, many concerned experts across the country expressed worry that the giant attacking spiders could lead to a substantial increase in hateful arachnophobia. The fears grew this week following yet another attack from the giant spiders, resulting in widespread calls for city leaders to take action against them. Analysts urged the public to refrain from falling into such blatant arachnophobic hysteria. "It's disturbing to see such anti-spider sentiment," said New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani. "I implore all New Yorkers, regardless of their backgrounds and political views, to avoid...

Rep. Nancy Mace's (R-SC) motion "to publicly release all reports on investigations into members of Congress regarding allegations of 'sexual harassment or of a sexual relationship with a member of their staff" was voted down by 357 to 65 vote. Mace said "the professed concern for the victims being publicly humiliated 'phony.' Any Member who votes against this resolution is voting to protect the cover-up instead of the victims. Nobody in Congress should get to play by a different set of rules. We need to shine a light on every single case the House Ethics Committee has been sitting on."...

It turns out that in addition to fraudulent payments of federal aid in Minnesota meant for feeding children and providing daycare to children of working parents it has been revealed that fraudulent payments for autism therapy must now be added to the list. In testimony given in Congress it was pointed out to Gov. Tim Walz, that in 2017 about $1 million in federal funds was paid to help fight autism. In 2024, $343 million was paid. Walz admitted being totally ignorant and unembarrassed by this revelation, saying "I'm not a financial genius. I am only a governor. I can't...

Sensing that the combined US/Israeli attack on Iran presented him with an opportunity to boost his foreign policy credentials heading into to anticipated run for president in 2028, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) asserted "the corrupt and repressive Iranian regime must never have nuclear weapons. The leadership of Iran must go. But that does not justify the President of the United States engaging in an illegal, dangerous war that will risk the lives of our American service members and our friends. President Trump is putting Americans at risk abroad because he is unpopular at home." Sen. Mark Kelly (D-AZ) said "the...

Following his primary loss to Steve Toth, Texas Congressman Dan Crenshaw is now looking for a new career path. The Babylon Bee has heard through the Washington grapevine that Crenshaw has cast an eye toward one of the following potential jobs: 1. Monocle model: They reportedly only get paid half as much as models for eyeglasses, though. 2. Stockbroker: His years of success and killer portfolio speak for themselves. 3. Circus act as "The Man with Incredibly Poor Depth Perception": Just don't mix it with knife-throwing. 4. Major League Baseball umpire: He'll fit right in. 5. Full-time telescope operator: Need...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The United States State Department issued an evacuation order for the U.S. embassy located in downtown Minneapolis on Friday, citing concerns over the safety of American citizens in the area. In light of ongoing unrest in the Muslim world, the embassy advised all citizens to leave Minneapolis immediately as they began breaking down their own offices ahead of a final departure back to America. "We've received multiple threats from Minneapolis narcoterrorist groups and believe it is in the best interest of ongoing diplomatic talks to abandon ship before someone tries to kill us," reported Paul Mayfield, U.S....

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Faced with the threat of their total annihilation, the Islamic Republic of Iran reportedly contacted the White House on Thursday to ask if they could "please have Joe Biden back." White House officials confirmed that Mojtaba Khamenei, the new Supreme Leader of Iran, dialed the White House switchboard demanding to speak to whoever was in charge of picking the president so he could see about getting Joe Biden back in the Oval Office. "He is, uh, a great leader. We will listen to him," Khamenei reportedly said of the former president. "You put him back in...

New York City's democratic-socialist Mayor Zohran Mamdani explained why he requires two forms of IDs to shovel snow, but opposes IDs for casting a ballot. "Casting a ballot is a human right that should not be infringed by requiring the voter to prove his or her identity," the Mayor said. "It would be like requiring an ID to be allowed to breathe. In contrast, shoveling snow is a job that pays $30 per hour of labor. It would be fiscally irresponsible for me to spend public money without knowing who I am paying to do the work." "Republicans say that...

TEHRAN — The Iranian government has officially announced a successor to Ayatollah Khamenei, introducing today the new Supreme Ayatollah, Tucker Carlson. Ayatollah Carlson will immediately take the helm as the foremost political leader for the longstanding Muslim theocratic dictatorship. "All bow before Ayatollah Carlson. Praise Allah!" cried Iranian government officials as Ayatollah Carlson took the stage. "Truly, Allah has chosen Ayatollah Carlson to end the scourge of infidel Christians in our land once and for all. No one loves jihad more than he. Praise Allah!" In his opening address, Ayatollah Carlson confirmed that he will continue the hard-line Islamic extremism...