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https://babylonbee.com/news/kamala-announces-she-will-step-away-from-politics-to-spend-more-time-with-vodka SACRAMENTO — Former Vice President Kamala Harris officially announced today that she would be stepping away from politics in order to spend more quality time with vodka. Harris stated that in the wake of her defeat in the 2024 election, she spent time evaluating what her priorities were at this stage in life and discovered that it was vodka. "I'm looking forward to finally being at home with vodka," said Harris. "See vodka, it's like a drink. It comes in a bottle, and you pour it into a glass, and then you drink it. Sometimes people say, 'Stop! That's...

In an appearance on The Light Podcast, hosted by his wife, Michelle, former President Barack Obama offered his views on male development and friendships, saying "a dad, no matter how good the dad is, can't be everything. A boy may need somebody to give the boy some perspective on the dad, like Frank Davis did for me when I was growing up." "I had a gay professor in college at a time when openly gay folks still weren't out a lot, who became one of my favorite professors and was a great guy and would call me out when I...

PITTSBURGH, PA — Social justice warriors scored another victory today, as retail chain American Eagle issued a public apology and replaced Sydney Sweeney in its ad campaign with a fat, transgender double amputee of color. The new campaign featuring Sweeney had caused controversy after American Eagle was accused of choosing an attractive young Caucasian woman to sell their clothing, which is a well-known Nazi dog whistle. The company aimed to quickly rectify this by replacing Sweeney with the most intersectionally diverse fashion model of all time. "We're really sorry for giving people someone pleasant to look at," said American...

CINCINNATI, OH — Friday's violent mob-style attack took social media by storm over the weekend, forcing Chief of Police Teresa Theetge to call a press conference in which she asked citizens not to film violent crimes because it makes her look bad. According to the chief's office, Theetge is particularly upset because the abundance of video footage posted to social media makes Cincinnati look like a lawless city. A fact, she says, is supposed to be a secret. "That is unacceptable to film a crime in my city," she said. "It was horrendous, yes, but it also makes me look...

Clothing retailer American Eagle's new advertising campaign hit an unexpected obstacle today, as a federal judge ordered actress and new brand spokeswoman Sydney Sweeney to gain 100 pounds and get an ugly butch haircut. Judge Eileen Bauer, an Obama appointee to a D.C.-area district court, issued an emergency ruling that Sweeney's attractiveness violated the law and demanded that she pack on weight to become as visually unappealing to consumers as possible. "This type of brazen attractiveness cannot be allowed to stand," Bauer said in her ruling. "It is the responsibility of the court to hold corporations to a specific legal...

In what he mistakenly thought was a winning argument in his campaign for New York City mayor, former Gov, Andrew Cuomo said he "will move to Florida if socialist Mamdani wins in November." Brooklyn resident Luigi Corleone said "I was planning on voting for Sliwa. He's not a communist kook or a crook like the others, but the opportunity to get Cuomo out of the state is very tempting. Mamdani's ideas are stupid, but I don't think he ever murdered anyone. Cuomo, on the other hand, ordered nursing homes to admit covid-infected old folks. Thousands died as a result. Cuomo...

Former US Representative, US Senate candidate and 2020 Democratic presidential contender Beto O'Rourke (D-Tex) went on CNN's State of the Union to tell host Jake Tapper that "we have to be absolutely ruthless about getting back in power. So, yes, in California, in Illinois, in New York, wherever we have the trifecta of power, we have to use that to its absolute extent." "Take the California Assembly, for example," O'Rourke said, "Democrats out number Republicans 60 to 19. In the Senate it's 30 to 10. Democrats have the votes to gerrymander every state Republican out of their seats. We can...

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent went on Mornings with Maria on the Fox Business Channel to tout the stimulating effect Trump's economic policies are having on business investment, saying "the tariff is bringing back manufacturing to the US and the tax reforms in the One Big, Beautiful Bill are encouraging businesses to invest more. By allowing businesses to fully deduct costs for improved facilities and machinery rather than requiring them to be amortized over a longer period efficiency and productivity can be implemented more quickly. The way that countries get rich is through long-term investments that improve productivity." "Another important step...

In 2008, California voters approved a $9.95 billion bond measure to construct a high-speed rail system between Los Angeles and San Francisco by the year 2020. Seventeen years later and 1300% over budget, Gov. Gavin Newsom claims that "the project has met every obligation and we are now fast approaching the track-laying phase." President Trump questioned "whether a project that was supposed to be completed by 2020 can honestly be said to have met every obligation' seems dubious. The original promise made to voters was that the trains would've been carrying passengers for the last five years. Now Gov. Newsom...

Over several days, Director of National Intelligence (DNI) Tulsi Gabbard has declassified and published government documents that she says "verify that the alleged Russia-Trump collusion during the 2016 election was a hoax concocted by Democrats to undermine both the Trump campaign and the Trump Administration. Assessments by the intelligence community and forwarded to President Obama found no evidence of collusion between the Russians and Trump. Yet, President Obama dismissed this finding and insisted that a collusion meme be pursued. This was used to justify unwarranted surveillance of American citizens and a media campaign to cast suspicion on Trump." Former President...

GREENVILLE, DE — Former President Joe Biden expressed great interest and enthusiasm in his upcoming memoir, adding that he's quite eager to see what the autopen comes up with for it. "That autopen and I go way back, fat," Biden said. "It's always coming up with something creative. I'm on the edge of my seat with... with... on the... I'm... it'll be something." Biden's auto-penned memoir was reportedly sold to Hachette Book Group, a New York-based publisher, for $10 million. A sizable sum, but less than Obama earned for his twenty memoirs, presumably because Obama actually wrote it himself. "To...

NEW YORK, NY — Mere days after CBS announced that it would be discontinuing The Late Show, a disheveled Stephen Colbert was seen on a Manhattan street corner holding up a cardboard sign that read "Will yell about Trump for cash." Witnesses reported seeing the soon-to-be-former late-night talk show host sporting a rumpled suit and unkempt hair as he waved his makeshift placard at anyone who passed by and shouted at them that he would be more than happy to go on angry tirades about the president in return for money or food. "I can rant about Trump as much...

The Federal Housing Finance Agency (FHFA) has referred Sen. Schiff to the Department of Justice (DOJ) for mortgage fraud. It seems that for the past decade the Senator has claimed two different properties as his primary residence in order to get the lower mortgage rates allowed by the FHFA for a person's primary residence. Schiff admitted that "for a number of years I inadvertently claimed both my Maryland house and my California condo as my primary residence because I thought as a member of Congress I was entitled to claim two primary residences--one in the state I represent and one...

Sen. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) and Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) both called the sudden cancellation of Stephen Colbert's Late Show "suspicious." Schiff said "I was on the show when Stephen told the everyone that his contract wasn't going to be renewed. The outburst of dismay and caterwauling from the studio audience was heartbreaking. That this brilliant voice will be removed from the battle for our democracy is tragic." Warren pointed out that "CBS canceled Colbert's show just THREE DAYS after Colbert called out CBS parent company Paramount for its $16M settlement with Trump – a deal that looks like bribery. America...

https://babylonbee.com/news/hunter-biden-warns-that-without-illegal-immigrants-the-price-of-crack-will-skyrocketWILMINGTON, DE — As part of a wide-ranging sit-down interview released on YouTube, Hunter Biden warned Americans that, without illegal immigrants, the price of crack cocaine and prostitutes would skyrocket. In an urgent plea to the American people, Biden told the public that President Donald Trump's hardline immigration policies threatened not only to affect various industries across the country but also drive the cost of hard drugs and sex slaves through the roof. "These essential products will become totally unaffordable to the average American," Biden said. "I think the people of this country need to realize what's at stake here....

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blow to hopes from conservatives that the former president would face severe consequences for allegedly overseeing an attempt to deligitimize the Trump presidency, Barack Obama argued that he can't be charged with treason since he wasn't born in America and isn't a legitimate American citizen. Republicans acknowledged that they could be left without any legal recourse after President Obama absolved himself of any potential treason charge by reminding everyone that he couldn't face any consequences since he was never a citizen to begin with. "I can't commit treason against America if I was never an...

Statistically, all of the jobs gained since Trump took office have gone to native-born Americans. In Biden's last year in office half of the jobs gained went to immigrants. Secretary of Labor Lori Chavez-DeRemer explained "President Trump promised to focus on improving the opportunities and wages of Americans when he campaigned for the presidency. We are now delivering on that promise. Two million more Americans have jobs that they didn't have while Biden was president." House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) was less enthusiastic about this outcome, pointing out that "President Biden's policies produced a more balanced result. I addition...

After announcing the cancellation of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, CBS is hard at work searching for a better program to replace their old flagship. Here are ten great ideas that would be way better than The Late Show:Larry The Dying Leper: This show is just watching a man slowly die of leprosy. Way funnier!Kidney Stone Watch: 90 straight minutes of a dude trying to pass a kidney stone.That old "KaBoom" infomercial with Billy Mays on loop: Such a classic.Cemetery Cam: Nothing but a livestream from a camera at a cemetery. Big upgrade, CBS.The Ingrown Toenail Experience: Way less...

NEW YORK CITY — In a stunning example of rampant fascism, a TV network cancelled a show that wasn't making any money and had terrible ratings. "The Colbert Show spoke truth to power and its cancelation is a chilling example of the fascism that's growing every day here in the U.S.A.," online culture blogger Danielle Swanson wrote this week. "With Colbert off the air, there will not be one single late-night host left who will criticize Trump. Fascism has won." CBS announced this week it was cancelling The Late Show starring Steven Colbert, stating it was purely a business decision...

A group of four Florida Democrats--Reps. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Maxwell Alejandro Frost, Darren Soto, and Jared Moskowitz--visited the new "Alligator Alcatraz" immigration detention center in the Everglades and judged the accommodations "disturbing and disgusting." Wasserman-Schultz observed "the place is like a prison. Freedom of movement is restricted. Detainees are served grilled cheese sandwiches while employees are served roasted chicken meals. The are no fences or walls to prevent detainees from wandering into the alligator and snake infested swamp that surrounds the place. It's as if they're daring the inmates to try to escape." Frost brought a binder filled with names and...