Free Republic

NEW YORK, NY — After U.S. military action against the Ayatollah, New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani was reportedly getting nervous that President Donald Trump keeps assassinating Muslim dictators. The radical extremist now ruling as the leader of an oppressive Islamic regime in the Big Apple was overheard asking his closest advisors for plans to take cover to avoid Trump's ongoing campaign to wipe out all Muslim dictators who threaten the security of the United States. "There aren't many of us left," Mamdani reportedly told one aide. "Trump keeps taking out all of our best guys. Every radical Muslim dictator...

The Republicans' "Big Beautiful Bill" (BBB) enacted last year cut the nationwide federal tax burden by billions of dollars. In Oregon that amounted to more than $300 million in cuts. Rep. Nancy Nathanson (D-Eugene) introduced state legislation to convert the federal cuts into state tax increases, saying "enriching taxpayers is not a high priority for us in Oregon. Folks who previously paid higher taxes to the feds can afford to keep paying those higher taxes to the state government." The Representative dismissed the intent of the BBB to stimulate business investment as "not as important as funding increased budgets for...

Gov. Tim Walz (D-Minn) objected to Vice President JD Vance's decision to temporarily halt federal Medicade subsidies to his state pending further investigation of the Walz Administration misuse of public funds, saying "doesn't this fool realize that we've already distributed the federal money to unqualified recipients? We need more federal money in order to take care of the folks that should've been taken care of by the money we misused. The Republicans are only hurting these needy folks." Vance pointed out that "dozens of Minnesota state employees have blamed Gov. Walz for enabling or ignoring the misuse of those funds....

TEHRAN — Iranian officials have promised that Ayatollah Khamenei will give a speech just as soon as they have located the rest of his body. The Iranian government has said it will prove that the strikes on Iran have been a complete failure by showing Khamenei alive and well. How6ever, the speech will have to wait until they can find his legs. "The world shall see how the cowardly attacks of America could never touch Allah's chosen one," said an Iranian official. "The Ayatollah himself will speak to his people, as soon as he has, ah, gathered himself. We are...

TEHRAN — Iranian military leaders are reportedly "really kicking themselves" for not just having their latest meeting over zoom. In hindsight, the Iranian generals who were still alive felt that perhaps gathering all of the military's leaders together in one physical location was a mistake. "We may have made a bit of a boo-boo," said newly promoted Iranian general Heydar Rahimi. "You know, looking in retrospect, I can now see that maybe gathering all the top generals into one building was not that smart. They could have so easily just met on Zoom. But, the generals' pagers said to go,...

In his state of the union speech, President Trump asked members of Congress to stand to show their support for the concept that "the first duty of the American government is to protect American citizens." While the Republican contingent had no qualms about acknowledging this responsibility, not a single Democrat did. In the Democratic response delivered by Gov. Abigail Spanberger (D-Va), she pointed out that "American citizens are among the wealthiest in the world. They are capable of protecting themselves. There are billions of folks in other countries who need America's help. Former President Biden invited tens of millions of...

Everyone knows Democrats cheat in elections. Many illegal immigrants say "President Biden invited us to come to America. When we did he took care of us. He gave us places to live, food, cell phones, all the good things that are available to people in America. They offer to register us to vote when we get a driver's license. They help us get absentee ballots. They even fill out the ballots for us. We would be ungrateful if we didn't cast these votes for them." Leading Democrats, like Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer, oppose the Safeguard American Voter Eligibility (SAVE)...

While being questioned at the Chappaqua Performing Arts Center on Thursday, Hillary Clinton reportedly informed the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform that she only recalled meeting Jeffrey Epstein that one time when she murdered him. Despite years of rumors and innuendo regarding her association with the deceased billionaire, Clinton maintained that she never encountered him until the night she strangled him to death in his prison cell. "I had no real relationship with him other than when I killed him," Clinton said. "We didn't talk much, he just kept screaming and struggling. You know how it is."

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former president and saxophone player Bill Clinton testified to members of Congress today that his answer to their questions depended on what the definition of "child trafficking" is. "What is…'is?' And furthermore, what really IS 'child trafficking?'" Clinton reportedly told members of the committee. "I would like to ask you all, what does this term mean, and how can I get out of any culpability related to these accusations, rhetorically speaking?" Clinton was grilled on his associations with the infamous deceased billionaire Jeffrey Epstein and what his relationship with the women who worked for Epstein entailed. During...

SHOREVIEW, MN — In the latest in a long line of cruel, heartless atrocities it has committed, the Trump administration has just stripped federal funding from a gas station daycare center with 20,000 students. According to Absame Dihoud, the daycare's proprietor, President Donald Trump's tyrannical actions will leave the 20,000 students enrolled at the New Day Sunshine Learing Center for Kids, which is centered in the Daycare & Gas Rest Stop, entirely without educational opportunities. "Just think of the children!" Dihoud's translator said, gesturing toward a fuel tanker that had just pulled into refuel at the station. "Now there...

TEL AVIV — Shortly after landing at Ben Gurion Airport to conduct an interview with U.S. Ambassador Mike Huckabee, commentator Tucker Carlson reportedly uncovered shocking evidence that Israel is controlled by the Jews. "I'm seeing the Star of David everywhere. Why is that?" Carlson reportedly asked his producer. "And I see this scribbly language, but it doesn't look Arabic. I'm familiar with Arabic. Like, really familiar — AHAHAHAHA! This almost looks like Hebrew, but surely not." CCTV footage appeared to show that, as Carlson waited for Huckabee to arrive for their interview, he was browsing brochures set aside for visitors....

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a night where lawmakers raised eyebrows by remaining glued to their seats throughout the president's State of the Union address, analysts later said the most shocking incident of the night was when Democrats refused to stand as Trump introduced Jesus. President Trump took a moment during his speech to introduce the literal Son of God sitting in the gallery and recognize Him for being the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, but Democrats sat stubbornly in their chairs and would not offer applause. "The Son of God is here, folks, let's hear it for Him,"...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — America's national security received a significant boost this week, as President Donald Trump announced that he had hired the goalie of the U.S. men's Olympic hockey team to guard the southern border. Trump made the announcement from the White House on Tuesday, telling the media that goaltender Connor Hellebuyck had been enlisted to stop all illegal aliens from crossing into the U.S. from Mexico. "He's unbeatable. Nothing gets past him," Trump told reporters. "I watched him on Sunday against Canada, and he was unbelievable. Pucks flying everywhere. Those Canadians didn't know what to do. He's the best...

The delusion that a person can change his or her sex through drugs and surgery is now facing significant financial risk as the juvenile victims of this medical scam are pursuing damages for what was done to them. In New York, a now 22-year-old woman has won a $2 million judgment--$1.6 million in damages and $400,000 for future medical care--against the hospital and doctors who filled her full of puberty blockers since she was 13 and cut off her breasts when she was 16. President Trump has cut off federal Medicaid and Medicare funding from hospitals that provide so-called "gender-affirming...

This week Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-Fla) testified in the Kentucky House of Representatives on behalf of a resolution of the states asking Congress to submit a balanced budget amendment to the US Constitution to the states for ratification. This inspired Gov. Andy Beshear (D-Ky) to identify DeSantis as the worst governor in the country in response to a question by Jon Stewart on "The Daily Show." "First of all, the very idea of another governor barging into my state in an effort to get them to approve something I don't support is intrusive," Beshear explained. "Second, forcing the federal government...

The gold medal hopes of one pair of U.S. athletes were dashed this week, as the American women's bobsled team came in last place after stopping to ask for directions. Elana Meyers Taylor and Jadin O'Brien, competing in the 2-Woman Bobsled event, were considered strong contenders to reach the podium but suffered a shocking fall in the standings after briefly stopping during the middle of their run to ask for directions to the finish line. "They just wanted to make sure," one spectator said. "They were given clear directions before the competition… and a map… but they ended up not...

An effort to bring some mercy to infants who survive their attempted abortion was shot down by Oregon Democrats. Rep. Court Boice's (R-District 1) motion to bring HB 4087, the "Born Alive Infants Protection Act," to the full House out of the Committee on Health Care was voted down with 34 Democrats voting no and 22 Republicans voting yes. The decision came after testimony from abortion survivor Amy Miles. Rep. Cyrus Javadi (D-District 32), a former Republican who previously sponsored the same legislation, explained "since the intent of the abortion is to terminate the life of the unwanted child, it...

Democrats in the state legislature are proposing a constitutional amendment that would allow the Virginia General Assembly to redraw congressional districts outside of the normal 10-year redistricting process. Virginia's Democratic Senate Majority Leader Scott Surovell complained that "the current split of six Democrats and five Republicans representing our state in the US House of Representatives is unfair. Democrats are the majority in our state. We should have as many Democrats as possible elected to Congress." The redistricted map that Democrats have presented gives them Democrat-voter majorities in ten of the eleven Congressional districts. A Tazewell Circuit Court, has issued a...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a long-rumored shake-up at a high-level position in his administration, President Donald Trump announced that he had replaced Attorney General Pam Bondi with a broom in a blonde wig. According to White House sources, the president hoped that the personnel shift would do a better job leading the Department of Justice than Bondi has over the past year. "That other gal has been a disappointment," Trump told reporters. "Instead, I picked out this broom and put a nice blonde wig on top. See? It's so easy. The blonde hair makes it beautiful. And since it's...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hillary Clinton's long career in politics finally met with the recognition it deserved when the United States created a new federal holiday in her honor: "Almost Presidents" Day.