8 Questions Husbands Should Always Plead The 5th To

The Bee ^ | Jul 29, 2026 | The Bee

[dayglored]

You may have recently realized that prominent figures can easily slide off the hook by pleading the Fifth Amendment, but did you know it's possible to plead the Fifth at home as well? Husbands, stop incriminating yourselves by simply pleading the Fifth when faced when any of these eight questions:

1. "If I die first, how long until you remarry?": There is no answer here that does not lead to your untimely death.

2. "Am I becoming like my mother?": Brother, this is why the Fifth Amendment was invented.

3. "Are you sad you married me and not my sister Rachel?": Keep your mouth shut, Jacob.

4. "Are you thinking about the Roman Empire right now?": No way. Totally locked into that anniversary dinner.

5. "Why did you order me extra lettuce on my Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme?": Now is not the time to say "for poops and giggles."

6. "Did you know that COVID leaked from a lab while simultaneously trying to silence those who said so in order to protect yourself because you funded said lab?": We have it on good legal authority you should go with the Fifth.

7. "Sydney Sweeney's not even that hot, right?": Plead the Fifth, then start running.

8. "Why are you laughing at that Babylon Bee list of eight questions husbands should always plead the Fifth to?": Uh-oh.

Never testify against yourself again with this one, simple trick. Let us know in the comments any other questions you find yourself pleading the Fifth to.

[dayglored]

Good advice.

[dfwgator]

“No, the dress doesn’t make you look fat, it’s the fat that makes you look fat.”

[z3n]

“Are you thinking about the Roman Empire right now?”: No way. Totally locked into that anniversary dinner.

~~~

And don’t give in to the temptation to analogize which dinner guests are the romans and which are the barbarians

[FamiliarFace]

I love #6 especially.

[Secret Agent Man]

1. Not remarrying. Once was enough.

2. Umm, “becoming”?....

3. No, you’re both nightmares.

[dayglored]

And the perennial favoritre:

9. Does this dress make my ass look big?

There is no good answer. Plead the 5th immediately. If necessary, throw acid in your own face so that you are blinded and cannot see her backend.

[SkyDancer]

Never complain, never explain and keep to your own council.

[Dr. Franklin]

Q: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
A: “No, but you look better in the other dress.”
Pleading the Fifth would be inferred as a “Yes” answer, while a little white lie saves the day.

[Retain Mike]

"If I die first, how long until you remarry?"

There is no way. I could not find anyo0ne even remotely close.

[Cautious Optimism]

Wife asks husband that if she died would he remarry. He replies I don’t know but maybe. She says if you do remarry would you let her have my jewels and a list of more of her possessions. He replies probably ; what else would I do with these things. She asks is there anything of mine you would not share with a new wife. He replies yes, your golf clubs. My golf clubs she exclaims. Why ??? He replies because she is left handed.

[posterchild]

1. A friend had a similar conversation with his wife:

she: If i died would you remarry?
him: I don’t know.
she: Don’t you like being married?
him: Sure. I probably would remarry.
she: Would you take my photos down from the wall?
him: That would be appropriate to do.
she: Would you let her use my golf clubs?
him: She can’t as she is left handed.

conversation stopped there

[dfwgator]

Golf jokes are the best, LOL!

[posterchild]

LOL we must have a psychotic connection:)

[Billthedrill]

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

"No. The dress makes you look purple. Your butt makes you look fat."

[ronniesgal]

don’t ask the q if you may not like the answer.

[Resolute Conservative]

How many women did you sleep with before me?

Where did you put the butter knife I use as screwdriver?

Do you want me to give you directions to ‘X’ location?

What do you think about me cutting my log hair off into a bob?

[NorthMountain]

Better advice: do not marry a woman who asks questions to which she does not want an honest answer.

[T.B. Yoits]

"Do you take this woman to be your wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward..."

"I plead the Fifth."

[Tell It Right]

10. Do you like the new meal I spent hours on?

11. In the argument between my brother and his wife, which one do you side with?

12. Why do you read and watch more about men's history than women's history?

13. If I had a twin sister and polygamy was legal, would you marry both of us?

[Tell It Right]

14. Is Star Wars better than Star Trek?