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Humor (General/Chat)

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  • Man stole tow truck, then called 911 to complain because victim pulled a gun on him, prosecutors say (chicago)

    01/16/2021 1:19:49 PM PST · by dynachrome · 10 replies
    CWBchicago ^ | 1-14-21 | CWB
    A Grand Crossing man stole a towing company’s truck and then called 911 himself because he was upset that the truck’s driver dared to pull a gun on him, prosecutors said. Elliott Scott, 22, is charged with aggravated possession of a stolen motor vehicle, misdemeanor theft, and driving on a suspended or revoked license. “Mr. Scott called 911?” a befuddled Judge Charles Beach asked prosecutors after hearing their allegations. “Yeah,” Scott interjected. “Right.” Scott’s defense attorney quickly advised him, “it’s not best to talk about the charges” in court.
  • 'We are simply not the best,' Montreal restaurateur says of his very honest menu

    01/16/2021 8:13:12 AM PST · by mylife · 39 replies
    cbc ^ | 1/14/2021
    'This one is not THAT good' Aunt Dai offers a mix of authentic and North American Chinese food. And Fei tries to be very clear about what's what. "Don't let the name fool you, this one is NOT authentic Chinese food," he warns patrons of his Hēi Jiāo, a.k.a. black pepper stir fry. "True story, one customer got really mad because it's not so Chinese since he visited Sichuan China before." But that doesn't mean Fei only likes the traditional fare. After some cajoling from his customers, he added General Tao chicken to the menu, with the following description: "I...
  • Nightmare: Here Is The Democrats' Complete Legislative Agenda For The Next 2 Years

    01/16/2021 7:18:58 AM PST · by BipolarBob · 12 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 01/14/2021 | Babylon Bee
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats have released a complete list of all their legislative goals for the next 2 years, and it's worse than we imagined. America may not survive. Brace yourself and read through this confirmed list which we got straight from the Speaker's office, and may God help us all. The Impeach Trump Again Act - New law requiring Trump to be impeached every week for all of eternity. The Inclusion and Justice Act - Requires everyone to bake cakes for gay weddings. It will also require everyone to be gay. The Fairness Act - Will set...
  • Scot warns 'Covid is making haggis braver' after spotting 'beast' near Glasgow

    01/16/2021 1:06:14 AM PST · by nickcarraway · 13 replies
    Daily Record ^ | 16 JAN 2021 | Kirsty Feerick
    Kat Berrie from Stirling had been walking her dog near Mugdock Country Park in East Dumbartonshire when she spotted the 'beast'.A Scots jokester warned the public that Covid is 'making haggis braver' after stumbling across one near Glasgow. Kat Berrie from Glasgow had been walking her dog near Mugdock Country Park in East Dumbartonshire when she spotted the 'beast'. The 29-year-old jokester actually stumbled across abandoned faux fur but took the opportunity to prank Facebook users. She snapped pictures of the object and warned others to 'watch their step' after her sighting of the 'creature' Kat shared the hilarious pictures...
  • FBI Puts Agents On Overtime Before Inauguration (Satire)

    01/15/2021 4:01:26 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 3 replies
    1/15/21 | RetiredTexasVet
    Director Chrissy Wray has put all of the FBI agents on overtime before the inauguration of Slow Joe Biden. FBI agents will be venturing into bars, strip clubs, BLM, ANTIFA and drug dens to recruit rioters for the inauguration at the nations capitol and state capitols. The FBI will provide the going FBI CI rates, MaGA hats, food and lodging, transportation, bail money and "Friend of Judge Sullivan" cards to recruits. Potential recruits should be prepared to be able to assemble and use gasoline based flammables, beat old people with sticks, break windows, and use vile language when referring to...
  • Out-Of-Work Waitress Excited To See Congress Spend Time Impeaching Trump Again

    01/15/2021 12:19:26 PM PST · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 14 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | January 14, 2021 | The Babylon Bee
    SAINT PAUL, MN—With Democrats in control of Congress, Americans are looking forward to seeing their elected representatives put the needs of the American people first. Democrats have responded by pursuing the one thing every American affected by devastating lockdowns needs: another Trump impeachment. According to experts, there are millions of struggling Americans-- many of whom are completely destitute-- wondering where their next Trump impeachment is coming from. Local unemployed waitress and single mother Alissa Martins spoke to reporters, saying she is "very happy" about this development. "I haven't made a dime in over 3 weeks," said the struggling young mother....
  • Ominous Sign For Joe: Presidential Restroom Replaced With Female Restroom

    01/15/2021 11:53:20 AM PST · by BipolarBob · 15 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 01/15/2021 | Babylon Bee
    SHARE WASHINGTON, D.C.—Just days before the inauguration of the 46th President, the White House has undergone unusual changes that may be an ominous warning for Joe Biden. White House construction workers have now remodeled the Presidential restroom and replaced it with a female restroom. “Hey! There goes the Presidential urinal!” shouted a frustrated Joe Biden. “Barack never let me use that, even as Vice President. What gives?!” The construction crew ignored him and continued working silently. “C’mon, man, I’m supposed to be the President. What kinda malarkey is this? Why is there a women’s restroom here now?” continued Biden trying...

    01/15/2021 8:23:13 AM PST · by Colonial35 · 41 replies
    A nubile young woman has just finished a shower and is toweling off when there is a knock at the door of her apartment. Who is it?" she calls out. Blind man, is the reply. She thinks It's a blind man, I'll see what he wants before I get dressed. After all, he can't see anything So she opens the door in the altogether. The fellow at the door says, Wow! you certainly have a beautiful body Where do you want your blinds?
  • Today's Toons 1/15/21

    01/15/2021 3:45:17 AM PST · by pookie18 · 12 replies
    The Briefing Room ^ | 1/15/21 | pookie18
    Click on link
  • No Parking Here: Man Barricades Neighbour's Car With Sandbags, Traffic Cones

    01/15/2021 1:42:56 AM PST · by nickcarraway · 4 replies
    AsiaOne ^ | JANUARY 14, 2021 | KIMBERLY ANNE LIM
    Ever left a passive-aggressive note to call out bad parking? Well, one man was so incensed that he went the extra mile, barricading the errant driver in with traffic cones, sandbags and even his own car. The dispute between the man and the driver took place at 44 Jalan Rabu on Tuesday (Jan 12) at about 7.31am, police confirmed. The man, who looked to be in his fifties, had gotten upset when he pulled up to the corner terrace unit and spotted a red car parked in front of it, an eyewitness told Lianhe Wanbao. "Coincidentally, the house opposite was...
  • Trump Close To Filling Impeachment Punch Card For Free Sub Sandwich

    01/14/2021 8:53:25 PM PST · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 18 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | January 13, 2021 | The Babylon Bee
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—With Trump closing in on a record second impeachment in 4 years, he is now close to filling out his impeachment punch card that grants him a free sub sandwich of his choice in the Capitol Building cafe. "It's a little-known addition to Article II, Section 4 of the U.S. Constitution you may not have heard of," said Constitutional scholar Jenna Ellis. According to Ellis, the full section reads as follows: "The President, Vice President and all Civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high...
  • Conservative Homeschool Families Prep For Next Four Years By Adding Armor Plating, Gatling Guns To 15-Passenger Vans

    01/14/2021 5:02:33 PM PST · by BipolarBob · 19 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 01/14/2021 | Babylon Bee
    SHARE U.S.—For many conservative Christian homeschool families, there are dark times ahead because Biden is a socialist who sniffs people and wants to hurt God. To prepare for the next four dangerous years, many large families are adding armor plating and Gatling guns to their 15 passenger club vans. "Now that the mainstream media has labeled us 'dangerous insurrectionists,' it might get a little hairy out there," said local homeschooling dad Travis Bulldoogie. "This 2-inch steel plating and minigun should do a good job of protecting us on our trips to the museum and public library." Biden and Kamala Harris...
  • Nolte: Woke Nazis Target ‘Cobra Kai’ for Destruction as Too White

    01/14/2021 3:35:18 PM PST · by NohSpinZone · 33 replies
    Breitbart ^ | 1/13/2021 | By John Nolte
    It was only a matter of time before the anti-art Woke Nazis targeted Cobra Kai for annihilation. After all, this is what these monsters do: target everything we all love, everything universal so that it becomes divisive. As I’ll explain in detail below, these attacks on Cobra Kai for being too white have nothing to do with “diversity.” The real goal is to keep us as divided as possible by stringing partisan tripwires through every possible walk of life.
  • NFL Live Thread: Divisional Playoffs (Boycott Party edition)

    01/14/2021 1:35:21 PM PST · by Impy · 52 replies
    NFL LIVE THREAD Divisional PlayoffsHere are all the games you shouldn't watch this week!Sat Los Angeles Rams at Green Bay Baltimore at Buffalo Sun Cleveland at Kansas City Tampa Bay at New Orleans In Memoriam Danny Lee (BENDER2)
  • Biden Unveils Skin Color Chart To Determine Who Gets Federal Aid

    01/14/2021 12:43:56 PM PST · by BipolarBob · 31 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 01/12/2021 | Babylon Bee
    WILMINGTON, DE—President-elect Joe Biden gave a press briefing from the basement of his Wilmington mansion announcing that his incoming administration will be utilizing an innovative skin color chart to determine who is the priority in receiving their share of the $900 billion federal coronavirus aid package recently passed by Congress. “Our priority will be black, Latino, Asian, and Native American-owned small businesses, women-owned businesses,” Biden informed the nation. “We are sending out a new color chart to all agencies involved to make sure there is no malarkey with white males and those with melanin deficiencies cutting in from where we...
  • 4751 Pious Ridge Rd, WV

    01/14/2021 6:12:04 AM PST · by SovereignVA · 11 replies ^ | January 12, 2021 | for sale by owner
    This is a great house, but the neighborhood has evolved into radical treason supporters. Be prepared to see trum p flags and signs flying for the next 20 years. If you're bent on violently destroying your country, this is a nice place for you to do it. Great if you have animals, too! $225,000 4751 Pious Ridge Rd Berkeley Springs, WV 25411 3 Beds, 2 Baths, 2,672 sqft
  • Today's Toons 1/14/21

    01/14/2021 3:35:02 AM PST · by pookie18 · 20 replies
    The Briefing Room ^ | 1/14/21 | pookie18
    Click on link
  • Pence Rolls Out Ambitious Agenda For First 100 Minutes In Office

    01/13/2021 6:10:24 PM PST · by BipolarBob · 12 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 01/13/2021 | Babylon Bee
    President-Possibly-Elect Mike Pence has set out a bold agenda for his first 100 minutes in office, should Trump be removed. The Babylon Bee’s elite squadron of investigative journalists has obtained Pence’s handwritten, minute by minute breakdown of his plans:10:00 - Pardon and forgive Donald Trump. Remember scripture: “If a man attacks you, steals your tunic, incites a riot, causes supporters to call for your hanging, and makes everyone hate you... turn the other cheek.” After announcing pardon, try not to enjoy watching everyone’s head explode 10:08 to 10:15 - Apply hairspray 10:16 - Put casserole in oven for church potluck...
  • Tank Driver in Florida accused of causing damage to curb

    01/13/2021 10:46:46 AM PST · by fireman15 · 35 replies
    CBS 4 Miami ^ | 01/13/2021 | Joan Murray
    PALMETTO BAY (CBSMiami) – Residents of the usually quiet South Florida community of Palmetto Bay are buzzing after spotting one of their neighbors riding his military style tank down residential roads. Many were confused by the sight and wondered if it’s even allowed and apparently it is. The tanks belong to the person who lives on a gated property off Old Cutler Road. Despite the fact that the tank is legal, it’s too close for comfort for some neighbors. “For the most part it’s unusual to say the very least and with the present state of politics, it’s concerning,” said...
  • Today's Toons 1/13/21

    01/13/2021 3:42:39 AM PST · by pookie18 · 15 replies
    The Briefing Room ^ | 1/13/21 | pookie18
    Click on link