Free Republic

https://babylonbee.com/news/kamala-harris-last-seen-fleeing-dozens-of-international-assassins-after-trump-cancels-her-secret-service-protection LOS ANGELOS, CA — Following President Trump's recent cancellation of Kamala Harris' Secret Service protection, the former Vice-President was seen fleeing dozens of international assassins. The last-captured video footage of the former VP shows Harris leaping from roof to roof in downtown LA, hotly pursued by a crowd of ninjas, men in suits wearing sunglasses, and other assailants from every corner of the world. "It's very sad to see what's happening now that she lost her Secret Service protection, but she's doing all right for herself," said Grayson Casey, the intelligence operative who was the last to see Harris...

https://babylonbee.com/news/russia-ukraine-reach-new-type-of-truce-where-they-keep-bombing-each-otherUKRAINE — Following constructive talks about ending their war, the leaders of Russia and Ukraine have reportedly reached a new type of truce where they keep bombing each other indefinitely. "President Zelenskyy and I understand each other perfectly," said Russian President Vladimir Putin. "We are proud to announce we have agreed to a truce where we continue fighting until the end of time." Zelenskyy is reportedly asking the international community for $1 billion a year to keep bombing Russia in hopes of maintaining the bombing truce. "I am committed to honoring this historic agreement," Zelenskyy said. "Please send money. I...

SACRAMENTO, CA — Gavin Newsom's poll numbers have skyrocketed after he recently announced that he will be anti-crime until the next election. "We all know how much I love crime, but I've decided to temporarily reverse that stance and start prosecuting crime," said Newsom in a statement. "It turns out people don't like crime." "Please rest assured, I will go right back to ignoring crime as soon as I'm elected," insisted Newsom. "I'm not a MAGA fascist, after all." Sources say police departments in the state are already responding to the Governor's new initiative by arresting violent criminals who need...

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https://babylonbee.com/news/schrdingers-neighbors-say-thought-experiment-very-interesting-but-they-would-really-just-like-a-straight-answer-on-where-their-cat-isVIENNA, AUSTRIA — Neighbors of physicist Erwin Schrödinger agreed that his thought experiment about the indeterminate nature of their cat being alive was super interesting and all, but asked if he could please tell them where their cat is. "I think Erwin is great, he's so smart and always telling us about the amazing experiments he's working on, but he asked to borrow our cat a while back and I'm a bit concerned what happened next," said neighbor Fritz Weinberger. "We'd really like to know where Herr Shnitzel-Muncher ended up." Schrödinger reportedly asked to borrow the large tabby cat to...

https://babylonbee.com/news/new-clue-board-game-for-liberals-just-has-you-blame-the-murder-weapon U.S. — Hasbro Gaming announced that it was expanding its board game library with a brand-new version of Clue, where you blame the murder weapon and never solve any crimes. Clue: Liberal Edition was being called the most interesting update in years for the popular game. "I'm terrible at Clue. I always lose," noted board game enthusiast Justin Coats. "But in Clue: Liberal Edition, everyone loses. I am so there!" In Clue: Liberal Edition, 3-6 players must solve the mysterious murder of Mr. Boddy, a cisgender white health insurance CEO, and compete to be the first one to blame...

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AMBLESIDE, ENGLAND — British authorities have arrested a man calling himself Saint George after he brandished a dangerous bladed weapon at a local dragon, which was merely minding its own business of terrorizing the local populace. According to reports, the winged, fire-breathing dragon took up residence in Windermere, England's largest lake, and began terrorizing the inhabitants of the nearby town of Ambleside. The dragon poisoned the land and demanded first animal and then human sacrifices to appease its wrath. But when someone calling themselves Saint George took up an arming sword to threaten the foul beast, that is when...

SCOTLAND — As part of a sweeping effort to put a stop to Muslim migrant rape gangs terrorizing the country, UK authorities have begun rounding up and arresting all potential rape victims. Experts say this will effectively put an end to migrant rape crimes in England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. "We have heard the voice of the people, and we have resolved to solve this problem once and for all," said Prime Minister Keir Starmer. "We will begin by arresting all women under 52 years old, and then we will hide them in highly secure prison cells in...

Video: How the Democratic Party Formed - From Jackson to Today (2 minutes)Take a satirical, no-holds-barred look at how the Democratic Party went from Andrew Jackson’s “common man” roots to the modern political force it is today. From 1828 to the present, this comedic parody hits the big moments, the big scandals, and the big shifts that shaped American politics.

U.S. — Taylor Swift's love story came to an abrupt end after a referee jumped out of the bushes following her engagement to football player Travis Kelce and overturned the proposal. The lovestruck couple reportedly jumped when the ref loudly blew his whistle and gestured wildly from the bushes. "The player's knee did not make full contact with the ground. This engagement is null and void," the referee said, signaling the call with a professional hand gesture. "The ring must be removed from Taylor Swift's finger and returned to its case. Repeat 4th-down." The ruling was challenged but upheld after...

Monkeys in trunks. Uncle Benny in tanks. Pinky slinging pure fire ink. Welcome to PV Tattoo Supply Co. — where chaos meets craft and every story leaves a mark.

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I created CousinTs.com after they came for Aunt Jemima & Uncle Ben. If they can erase them, they’ll erase anybody. Not me. Not us. Terrence is upset and is not holding back on Cracker Barrel. "we did not ask for this".

Cracker Barrel has been around for 55 years. Through the decades, the restaurant has been known as a family-friendly spot for homestyle food, general store shopping, and nostalgic activities. The brand is undergoing a major makeover now, and some diners have noticed that even the beloved peg game is changing. The peg game has been around since Cracker Barrel opened in 1960, and it has been a staple on their dining tables ever since. It's a fun (screen free!) way for diners to pass the time while they wait for their food. Plus, it's been available in the store for...

https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-unveils-giant-cannon-for-faster-more-entertaining-deportationsWASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump delighted the nation this week, unveiling plans for a giant cannon that he hopes will facilitate faster, more entertaining deportations. "We've got to make our country safe again, and the best way to do that is with a giant cannon capable of firing them out of the country," said Trump. "I want a circus one. Just tremendous what those circus freaks can do. Can you believe they have a man who tames lions? I told them there's no way you can tame a lion, but he did it. Anyway, cannons. We're gonna have so many...

https://babylonbee.com/news/british-authorities-arrest-st-george-for-brandishing-bladed-weapon-at-dragonAMBLESIDE, ENGLAND — British authorities have arrested a man calling himself Saint George after he brandished a dangerous bladed weapon at a local dragon, which was merely minding its own business of terrorizing the local populace. According to reports, the winged, fire-breathing dragon took up residence in Windermere, England's largest lake, and began terrorizing the inhabitants of the nearby town of Ambleside. The dragon poisoned the land and demanded first animal and then human sacrifices to appease its wrath. But when someone calling themselves Saint George took up an arming sword to threaten the foul beast, that is when authorities...

There was a 16% decrease in the number of immigrants arriving in Ireland in the 12 months to April 2025 as 125,300 came to live in the State, according to the latest figures from the Central Statistics Office. It was the fourth successive year when there were more than 100,000 people coming to live in the country. It means net migration, the number of people arriving less those leaving, was 59,700, a drop of almost 20,000 on the previous year. Of the immigrants, 31,500 were returning Irish citizens, 25,300 were other EU citizens, 4,900 were UK citizens and the remaining...

https://babylonbee.com/news/genius-trump-enacts-plan-to-dumb-down-chinese-population-by-inviting-them-to-attend-american-universities WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another genius move designed to weaken a rival nation, President Donald Trump enacted a plan to dumb down the Chinese population by inviting them to attend American universities. Trump's plan was praised by national security experts, who cited it as a brilliant maneuver to reduce China's influence on global affairs in the long term by shrewdly allowing their students to be made substantially less intelligent at educational institutions in the U.S. "Pretty soon, Chinese kids will all be dumb, just as dumb as American students," the president reportedly told his advisors. "We'll let in...

Apparently trumps threat is starting to get real. They have to have a preliminary plan to give [t]o the mayor by Wednesday of how CPD will respond if the national guard is deployed... will cpd have to assist in any way if anyone is arrested for local and non federal charges etc etc. some are hinting this may happen in time for Mexican independence weekend. This will be a disaster... Au contraire dear reader....this will not be a disaster. This will be entertainment of the highest order. We have contacts standing by at three different hospitals and a mole in...