Free Republic

HELL — A wailing, screeching sound was heard from the Devil's office today following the defunding of Planned Parenthood by the United States Government. "NOOOOOOOOOO!" came the sound from Satan's corner office in the 9th circle of Hell. "AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK" Witnesses claim the tortured wail was so inhuman it gave them chills. "It was super creepy," said Hell resident Adolf Hitler. Defunding Planned Parenthood is a major blow to Satan, say sin experts, who confirm he relied heavily on the organization's expert use of pseudoscience to make murdering babies sound like a reasonable medical procedure since no one passes children through...

WORLD — Millions of people instantly died today after the Big, Beautiful Bill passed Congress. Mere moments after the deciding vote was cast, a horrific tragedy played at across the world as throngs of humans immediately dropped dead. "They tried to warn us," sighed Speaker Mike Johnson, surveying the carnage. "They tried to tell us that this would kill everyone, but we didn't listen. How foolish I was! Curse you, Big, Beautiful Bill!" At publishing time, death squads had begun hunting down Medicaid patients, just as Democrats had warned.

It's birthday time once again for the greatest nation on earth: America. Everybody likes to celebrate 'Murica a little differently - here are how nine famous politicians are planning to mark the 4th of July this year: Chuck Schumer: Murdering 26 people with undercooked beef. Tradition is tradition. AOC: Weeping outside of Alligator Alcatraz: Heroic. Ron DeSantis: Turning loose highly trained alligators armed with lasers to hunt down anyone who comes near Alligator Alcatraz: Uh-oh. JD Vance: Killing off a rival world leader: U-S-A! U-S-A! Joe Biden: Hanging Christmas decorations: Aw, Joe. Thomas Massie: Going to some super-secret meeting...

NEW YORK, NY — As part of his campaign platform in his attempt to become the next mayor of New York City, Zohran Mamdani pledged that he would build a wall separating East New York from West New York. Promising to turn the Big Apple into a shining example of a communist utopia, Mamdani unveiled the ambitious plan to physically separate the city's left-wing populace from the remaining capitalists, Christians, and conservatives. "This is our chance to create our ideal New York City," Mamdani said. "It's long past time to place a physical barrier to delineate our community collective from...

DEARBORN, MI — The Ford Motor Company made history once again with its recent debut of the world's first autonomous car to leave the factory and drive straight to the shop for repairs. According to upper-level Ford executives, the fully self-driving car is the first of its kind to be able to make a direct bee-line from the assembly line to the nearest mechanic shop. "This is really exciting, groundbreaking stuff," said Jameson Lloyd, who directs Ford's autonomous vehicles program. "No one else has ever been able to craft a car so self-aware that it can roll directly from the...

U.S. — Population numbers have shifted drastically in light of new changes to the census program, which remove illegal immigrants from official population numbers. As a result, California, once the most populous state in the country, now has a total population of just 12 people. "Woah. Where'd everyone go?" said one of the 12 remaining Californians. With a new count of just 12 people, California's power will be greatly reduced in the House of Representatives, moving from 52 congressional seats to just 1. The state will also have just 1 vote in the electoral college going forward. "We knew California...

SAN FRANCISCO — Pride Month festivities drew to a close Monday with one final Pride Parade that was closely followed by a Disinfectant Parade. Street sweepers, janitors, and crime scene cleaners, all clad in HAZMAT suits, were joined by a marching band that played loud trumpets to mask the noise of the heavy cleaning equipment. "Ugh, gross," said a marcher in the disinfectant marching parade as he trudged through piles of unspeakably filthy and highly infectious parade trash. "I mean, yay pride!" As the parade progressed, the rainbow-colored motif of Pride was replaced with the vibrant blue of barbicide...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented move sure to take the legal world by storm, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson issued a savage dissent in the form of a TikTok dance. Jackson, the newest justice on the court, eschewed the traditional format of a written dissent to instead embrace the more modern trend of expressing her opinion through an interpretive dance posted on the popular social media app TikTok. "Alright, ya'll, check it out, I'm about to dissent," Jackson could be heard saying at the start of the video before breaking into a choreographed routine. "The other justices seem to think...

U.S. — In the wake of the United States Supreme Court ruling that will effectively prevent district courts from issuing nationwide injunctions, a district court issued a nationwide injunction against the Supreme Court ruling. In a stinging rebuke, Federal Judge James Boasberg handed down a nationwide decision against the Supreme Court, which struck down the Supreme Court's ruling that he and other lower court judges had no authority to hand down nationwide decisions. "This nationwide injunction holds that the Supreme Court's ruling against our nationwide injunctions is unconstitutional," Boasberg said in his ruling. "The United States Supreme Court, despite holding...

NEW YORK, NY — In response to growing questions about his political leanings, New York City mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani issued a statement to clarify that he is not a communist, but only wants the government ot seize the means of production, abolish private property ownership, and put capitalists in gulags. After becoming the target of heavy criticism following his victory in the Democratic Party primary, Mamdani was forced to defend his philosophy against allegations of communist influences and instead explain that he simply stands in full alignment with communism's platform, values, and agenda. "To label me a communist is...

Following his victory in the Democratic Party primary, Zohran Mamdani is now the frontrunner for New York City mayor, and people are wondering what plans he may have in mind for the Big Apple. The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of proposals Mamdani has in store for NYC: 1. Times Square will be renamed Red Square: It will also be the official site of all mass executions going forward. 2. Creating special "camps" where the city's Jewish population can be "concentrated": It's for their own good. 3. Authorizing the development of state-run shoplifting centers: This is the clever...

Locals have begun questioning the authenticity of purported Mexican restaurant "El Bandido" as ICE has yet to raid the restaurant a single time. With nearby restaurants being hit by ICE on a near-daily basis, concerns about El Bandido's genuineness have risen as no waiter, cook, or busboy has been taken into custody. "It's a bad look," said former patron Dan Billings. "How do you claim to serve authentic Mexican cuisine and your kitchen door hasn't even been broken down by ICE? It just doesn't add up. I'm taking my business over to Julio's, they're getting raided all the time. Just...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In what some are taking as perhaps a bad omen, President Trump responded to the SCOTUS ruling on nationwide injunctions by screaming "UNLIMITED POWER!" and shooting lightning from his fingertips. "That's probably not good," said an eyewitness as a cackling Trump scorched an aide with lightning. "It sounded like he said something to the effect of ‘Now, nothing can stop me from controlling the galaxy'. It's a bit concerning." While many conservatives had felt that district courts issuing nationwide injunctions was an unfair check on executive power, they no longer felt so sure after witnessing Trump levitate...

CAMBRIDGE, MA — The Department of Homeland Security announced that a massive terrorist sleeper cell was discovered hiding just outside of Boston, Massachusetts. Authorities found the large group of infiltrated terrorists after a routine patrol around a well-known university's infamous quad uncovered dozens of Iranian sleeper cell operatives. "We've never seen anything like it," FBI spokesman Agent Dale Johnson said. "On the outside, they appeared to be dressed like college students and faculty, but every single one of them was a terrorist or terrorist sympathizer. We have reason to believe that the entire campus is, in fact, a terrorist training...

NEW YORK, NY — Democratic Party strategists were thrilled this week after they stumbled upon an innovative new strategy of winning elections by promising free stuff to stupid people. According to Democratic mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani, the bold new strategy of showing idiots with promises of free stuff could be "a total game-changer" for the party. "Hear me out, guys — what if we just tried promising uninformed, ignorant people that we'll give them free stuff if they vote for us?" Mandami reportedly asked at a campaign brainstorming meeting. "Why haven't we tried this before? Come on, people. Get your...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth responded to allegations of sexism on Thursday by vowing that the United States military would never discriminate against chicks, broads, or dames. Hegseth had fallen under criticism after apparently failing to specifically recognize the females who participated in the air strikes on Iran, leading him to issue a clarifying statement that the armed forces would never engage in prejudice against skirts. "I'm sorry for the lack of gender inclusive language," Hegseth said, apologizing to Associated Press reporter Tara Copp. "It was not my intention to impugn the contributions of any chicks, broads,...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ramifications were predicted to be felt for generations after today, as in a historic 6-3 Supreme Court decision, 3 justices were ruled to be morons. The ruling came near the end of the U.S. Supreme Court's current term, leaving legal analysts around the country saying that the decision was sure to have a long-lasting impact on all future cases. "This was a ruling that shifts the balance in the country," one expert said. "According to this 6-3 decision, three of the justices sitting on the Supreme Court as morons, with the three morons themselves providing the dissenting...

TEHRAN — Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini declared a resounding victory over the United States and Israel after Iran destroyed 14 American bunker buster bombs with its nuclear facilities. In a video message released today, Iran's Supreme Leader said that the advanced American ordinance was no match for the destructive capabilities of Iran's foremost nuclear sites. "We have brought utter and complete obliteration to the weapons of our enemies," the Ayatollah declared triumphantly, brushing soot off his turban. "The pitiful Zionist bunker busters were ultimately annihilated by our nuclear facilities. Our nuclear bomb program, which did not exist before the Americans' failed...

U.S. — CNN has obtained a classified briefing revealing that the city of Hiroshima was "barely affected" after being hit by an atomic bomb. According to anonymous sources, the briefing states that Hiroshima being hit by a nuke only set back the city "a couple of months" and that all of its industries would be operating as normal shortly. "Hiroshima escaped with minimal damage," reported CNN's Anderson Cooper. "A few entrances to the city were shut down, but otherwise the city remains completely intact. We have highly classified intelligence which confirms that Hiroshima was not, I repeat, was not incinerated...

NEW YORK CITY — Zohran Mamdani, winner of New York City's mayoral Democratic primary, has vowed to knock down the One World Trade Center in order to build more affordable housing. Mamdani admitted that taking down the popular tower was something of a political suicide mission, but he remained undeterred. "We will not allow the wealthy capitalist elite to hijack our city," said Mamdani. "As mayor, I promise to take this problem head on by bringing down One World Trade Center and putting cheap, government-controlled apartments in its place. I understand that people believe this initiative could really blow up...