Free Republic

GAZA — The few remaining terrorists keeping up the fight against Israel acknowledged their grim circumstances this week, as the three surviving members of Hamas started to think that maybe their October 7, 2023, wasn't such a great idea. As overheard by a surveillance team, the three terrorist fighters reportedly conferred with each other early Tuesday morning as they huddled together in the rubble of their Gaza hideout, lamenting ever participating in the horrific plan to murder 1,200 people and take 250 others hostage now that it had resulted in Hamas being brought to the brink of extinction. "Hindsight...

Journalist Bari Weiss has taken over CBS news, which may be the end of journalism as we know it. Sources say she is already making aggressive changes to the network. Here is a list of terrifying changes she presented to her employees: 1. Effective immediately, each journalist gets three libels and you're out: This is unreasonably strict. 2. Going forward, reporters are required to include at least one true fact in all stories: This could slow down news production drastically. 3. Feelings no longer count as a valid source: Sources have to be actual living people. 4. Style change when...

LEAWOOD, KS — Following the release of her new album, singer-songwriter Taylor Swift reportedly sat down with her fiancé, football star Travis Kelce, to assure him that her hit new song "Dumb Hairy Football Jock" was not about him. "Don't be silly. It's about some... other... dumb hairy football jock," Swift said. "I mean, not other as in, you are also a dumb football jock, just... look, it's not about you, okay?" According to inside sources, Kelce remained unconvinced as the lyrics to the song directly reference a fight they had months ago, and the jock in the song...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the shutdown of the federal government continues, feral government workers have begun to roam American streets in packs. According to inhabitants of the D.C. area, government workers first reverted to their natural, bloodthirsty state and started hunting in packs after just a few days of boredom with the shutdown. "Yeah, we've had to keep our children indoors on account of the rabid IRS agents," said Sam Johnson, a D.C. native. "It gets pretty creepy some nights when the feral feds get together and start howling at the White House together. The neighbors have all agreed...

INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Legal analysts were stunned by the severity of the penalty handed down in the wake of a weekend stabbing incident, as former NFL player Mark Sanchez was sentenced to five more seasons with the New York Jets. Sanchez, who was arrested following a violent scuffle with a truck driver over a parking spot that led to both men being hospitalized, would now suffer the consequences of his actions by being forced to join the Jets' roster for the next five years. "This punishment is surprisingly cruel," said Sanchez's attorney, Samuel Kreibel. "Yes, my client was engaged in...

NORFOLK, VA — State attorney general nominee Jay Jones was seen relaxing after a stressful day on the campaign trail by repeatedly stabbing his trusty Republican voodoo doll. "Die! I hope you and your children die!" Jones reportedly screamed at the tourist novelty he had picked up from a New Orleans gift shop. "Aww. So relaxing." According to sources, Jones travels everywhere with his Republican voodoo doll, treating it almost like a security blanket. He reportedly bought it back in 2022 after fantasizing about shooting then-Virginia House Speaker Todd Gilbert and wishing death upon his children. "I can't believe I...

VATICAN CITY — The supreme pontiff of the Catholic Church issued a sharp criticism of the Almighty Creator of the universe this week, as Pope Leo XIV publicly condemned God for instituting the death penalty.When asked by the media to comment on critics of the death penalty, the pope singled out the Lord, offering a stinging critique of the Almighty for instituting capital punishment and questioning whether or not God was actually pro-life."I question God's moral standing here," Pope Leo told reporters. "Someone who says, ‘I'm against abortion,' but says, ‘I'm in favor of the death penalty,' is not really...

BRISTOL, CT — ESPN will bring its 45 years of sports coverage to a close as it shifts to exclusively covering the WNBA. After originating the 24-hour sports news cycle and becoming a household staple behind its flagship show "Sportscenter", the network had steadily moved away from sports over the past decade to start covering the WNBA. With ESPN canceling its contract with Major League Baseball, the network has officially shut down its last relationship with a sports league. "We want to bring our audience something besides sports. We want to bring them the WNBA," announced ESPN President James Pitaro....

VATICAN CITY — In a stunning scene this morning, Pope Leo activated his long-dormant ice powers and built a magical ice palace while belting out showtunes. Pope Leo had spent much of his life trying to suppress his ice powers so as not to accidentally hurt those around him, but now let them burst forth unhindered, declaring, "Let it go, let it go, can't hold me back anymore." "That perfect girl is goooone," sang the emotional pontiff, his blue dress sparkling with frozen fractals. "I don't caaaare, what they're goiiing to sayyyy. Let the storm rage oooooon!" Onlookers gaped in...

Netflix has come under fire recently for inserting trans content in its kids' programming. In response to the controversy, the streaming platform revealed plans to revamp its entire children's section with new shows designed to win back angry parents. Check out these 8 new kid-friendly shows: Homomelon: This educational show, designed for preschoolers, guides kids through every letter in the LGBTQ+ pantheon. Dora the Sexuality Explorer: Dora, now in her late teens, takes time away from exploring lost ruins to instead find the most important thing... herself. Mickey Mouse Bathhouse: Any child who watches this show will receive an...

VATICAN CITY — The supreme pontiff of the Catholic Church issued a sharp criticism of the Almighty Creator of the universe this week, as Pope Leo XIV publicly condemned God for instituting the death penalty. When asked by the media to comment on critics of the death penalty, the pope singled out the Lord, offering a stinging critique of the Almighty for instituting capital punishment and questioning whether or not God was actually pro-life. "I question God's moral standing here," Pope Leo told reporters. "Someone who says, ‘I'm against abortion,' but says, ‘I'm in favor of the death penalty,'...

VIDEOSee if you can spot a cameo appearance by The Terminator as Pope Leo and New Age pagans bless a chunk of ice. This video concludes with a chunk of ice turning the tables and blessing all of us in the best way possible.

MANCHESTER — The Crown Prosecution Service announced that charges had been filed against a Jewish synagogue on Thursday for provoking a violent terrorist attack against themselves by being openly Jewish. A synagogue located in Manchester was the site of a deadly attack last week in which two people were killed and three others were injured. Authorities were acting quickly to punish those involved, including the synagogue and its members, for being openly Jewish. "We have a zero tolerance policy for violent stabbing offenses," said Crown Prosecutor Henry Thomas. "That's why we have to punish these Jews for being so Jewish....

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Supreme Court issued a ruling this morning that it is legal for President Donald Trump to be the president. In a 6-3 decision, the court held that since Trump was, in fact, elected to be president, his ability to "do president things" was protected under the law. "The court hereby rules that a president can be president," wrote Justice Amy Coney Barrett, who penned the decision for the majority. "By virtue of being president, that person is the president. I can't freaking believe I'm having to explain this." Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson wrote a scathing dissent...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Supreme Court issued a ruling this morning that it is legal for President Donald Trump to be the president. In a 6-3 decision, the court held that since Trump was, in fact, elected to be president, his ability to "do president things" was protected under the law. "The court hereby rules that a president can be president," wrote Justice Amy Coney Barrett, who penned the decision for the majority. "By virtue of being president, that person is the president. I can't freaking believe I'm having to explain this." Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson wrote a scathing dissent...

Brace yourself, America: the federal government has been shut down. Congress will no longer be able to pass any bills and all federal agencies will grind to a halt. But, there will also be some very serious consequences. Here are the 7 most terrifying: The Capitol cafeteria will not be able serve Ted Cruz his customary afternoon Ho Hos: Devastating. That department you've never heard of that does nothing for you will be furloughed: You can kiss the Commission on Overseas Native Fisheries goodbye. Government workers will lose thousands of hours of sleep they would otherwise be getting at work:...

PORTLAND, OR — Despite urgent pleas from the public to address the chaos unleashed on the city by radical leftist terrorists, the mayor of Portland downplayed the threat of Antifa and announced that the group that had just lit him on fire was completely under control. Mayor Keith Wilson bristled at media questions about the city's response to President Donald Trump's authorization of military troops being used to restore order to the city, assuring everyone that the fact that he had been set ablaze by Antifa was not an indication of a greater problem. "We don't need help against...

U.S. — Celebrations have erupted all across America today as the federal government has actually shut down. Tears poured forth from overjoyed citizens as the government finally closed its doors after years of devastating close calls. "I thought I would never see this day," said local man Chris Henning. "We've come so close so many times, I started to think it might never happen. To be able to look my kids in the eye and say 'Yes, sweetheart, the federal government has really shut down' -- it's an incredible feeling. What a beautiful moment." Fireworks could be seen dotting the...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Facing an alarming health crisis across the U.S. military leadership, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced on Tuesday that he had hired legendary fitness trainers Hans and Franz to get all the top generals into shape. After growing concerned about the condition of the military's top brass, Hegseth reportedly placed an urgent call to Hans and Franz and offered them whatever it would take to bring them to the nation's capital to serve as the Trump administration's hand-picked experts to help the commanders of the armed forces become lean and fit. "These guys are the best at...