Free Republic

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO — The motive behind a sandbag's sudden attack on President Joe Biden became more clear today, as sources within the federal government have produced photos showing the sandbag also participated in the U.S. Capitol riot on January 6, 2021. "This sandbag has been a dangerous entity for some time," said one source under the condition of anonymity. "After reviewing video footage from the January 6, 2021 riot at the Capitol, we discovered the sandbag among the other Trump-supporting domestic terrorists. The sandbag has evaded justice since that day, giving it the opportunity to trip President Biden at...

U.S. — As tensions between warring camps have reached a fevered pitch, Republicans have taken a significant step in an attempt to make peace, opting to put both former President Donald Trump and Florida Governor Ron DeSantis in a "Get-Along" t-shirt. "We tried everything else," said GOP voter Ryan Felix. "We put them each in ‘time out,' we told them to share their toys, and we even limited their screen time, but nothing worked. With them fighting like cats and dogs, the ‘Get-Along' shirt became our best option." Neither party seemed eager to comply with the results of the vote....

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO — In a touching display of leadership and solidarity, Biden fell to the ground yesterday in support of LGBTQ rights. "Taking a knee is not enough anymore," said black gay Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is black and gay. "Yesterday, the President showed us all how to respect the queer community by lying prostrate on the ground before thousands of people. Thanks to his demonstration, transgender 5-year-olds now know they aren't alone." Biden reportedly made the gesture after giving a speech at the Air Force Academy graduation ceremony. According to sources, he became so deeply moved by...

Video of explanation "What is a man".

ATLANTA — As his first act, Chick-fil-A's new VP of Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion Erick McReynolds has revised company vocab guidelines, requiring white employees to move away from simple phrases like "my pleasure" and instead use preferred equitable language such as, "my privilege." VP McReynolds said of the change, "Chick-fil-A restaurants have long been recognized as a place where people know they will be treated well. So in the interest of fixing something that isn't broken, we now require our privileged employees to express how they use their privilege to be allies to minorities by serving them great-tasting chicken sandwiches."...

Archeologists have uncovered what they believe are the final remains of Sodom and Gomorrah's beloved Target store. "You could still make out the display for tuck-friendly tunics," said Dr. Sally Mcneil. "It's clear these perverted rapists were massive Target fans." According to the Israeli excavators, researchers began searching for a possible Target store after unearthing hundreds of pairs of yoga pants. "We knew we had to be close," said Dr. McNeil. "As soon as we found the sign saying 'Satan Respects Pronouns', we knew we'd found it. Our survey indicates the Sodomites had installed curbside pick-up to the south, and...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Target has unveiled a tropical summer line of kids' clothing with new design partner Ghislaine Maxwell. "Ghislaine Maxwell really embodies the spirit of what we stand for here at Target," said Target CEO Brian Cornell. "It's a match made in Heaven." According to sources, the new clothing line will be called "Lil' Groomers" and should hit shelves in June. "We can't wait for Ms. Maxwell's brand to get its hands on kids," said Target fashion consultant Cassie Winslow. "The clothing line will be island-themed, but upscale and exclusive. Ms. Maxwell really has an amazing eye for what...

TORONTO — Despite staggering intellect and deep study of God's Word, psychologist/professor/author/speaker/room-cleaning enthusiast Dr. Jordan B. Peterson has resolved to stubbornly consider every possible tangential meaning of Bible stories except for the notion that it actually just means what it's saying. "The death of Jesus Christ is a brilliant symbol," Peterson said in a new episode of his Daily Wire series studying the Bible. "Does the narrative of Jesus's death on the cross actually mean that the Son of God gave His own life for our sins? Like, no way, man! What it shows is an archetypical manifestation of mankind's...

EAST AURORA, NY - In a show of solidarity with a vocal minority of gender activists who don't purchase their products, Fisher-Price introduced the "My First Gender Transition" playset for kids ages 2 to 9. "The My First Gender Transition playset helps your child have a fun time playing pretend while in no way being inculcated with an emotionally destructive ideology," said Product Manager Murthina Spillwig who may soon be updating her resumé. "Parents in our focus groups were excited to force their kids to pretend to enjoy the playset for Instagram." The playset is bursting with a plethora of...

U.S. — In a stunning turn of events, Adolf Hitler, the infamous dictator responsible for World War II and the Holocaust, has announced his bid for the US presidency in the upcoming 2024 election. Hitler, well known for his oppressive regime and genocidal policies that killed millions of Jews, has chosen America as the stage for his political comeback. In a bizarre press conference held on Twitter Spaces where he was interviewed by Elon Musk, Hitler unveiled his new presidential campaign slogan: "Make America Nazi Again." Hitler explained that his platform is simple authoritarianism, xenophobia, and an extreme disregard for...

OLATHE, KS — In the wake of the Target controversy resulting in widespread calls for boycotts among suburban housewife shoppers, husbands across the United States have begun praying faith-based home decor retail chain Hobby Lobby will make a bad public relations decision to cause a similar firestorm. "There's got to be something they can do," said Brandon Quezada, whose wife, Rachel, spent $728 on Hobby Lobby craft supplies this morning. "We all lucked out with Target continuing to be completely horrible, so the boycott there has been a real financial blessing. What would really help now is if Hobby Lobby...

LOS ANGELES, CA — After decades of total dominance, the Dallas Cowboys have been dethroned by the Los Angeles Dodgers as the gayest team in all of sports. "It's a real Cinderella story," said Dodgers owner Mark Walter. "Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined us being this gay." Despite humble beginnings, the Dodgers have transformed into a gay juggernaut over the past several years. "We put in the hard, gay work," said Dodgers manager Dave Roberts. "Let me tell you--no one outside that locker room believed we could be more gay than the Cowboys. No one! But...

RIVENDELL — Gandalf the White has arrived with haste at the house of Elrond, suddenly referring to himself as Gandalf the Black. According to the iced-out wizard now wearing a black robe, word on the street is that the Elves are paying out $1 million in reparations, and he is here to claim his bag. "A wizard is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to get that bread, homie!" said Gandalf the Black walking over and leaning on his pimp cane to greet Master Elrond. "Now where's all that paper cheddar I've been hearing...

The entirely flammable, destructible set includes dozens of pagan minifigs plus a bonus Lot and his wife, who is, of course, a pillar of salt. Children can press a button on the set and the whole thing explodes in flames, and they can even participate in the carnage using the included brimstone launcher. "Hooray! The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against the unrighteousness of men!" shouted one child in a new commercial for the set as he chucked some Lego brimstone at his village full of screaming minifigs. "Flee, fornicators, for the Lord's anger is kindled against...

ST LOUIS, MO — Anheuser-Busch, the company that makes Bud Light, has suffered weeks of stagnant sales following a simple marketing campaign celebrating breathtaking female woman Dylan Mulvaney, who is totally a woman. In response, Bud Light has worked tirelessly to revive its brand and appeal to loyal customers by adding mullets to every can. "These mullets prove just how well we know our customers," said Bud Light Marketing Director Stacey Mulberry-Saffron while explaining the strategic value of focus groups and social media surveys. "We're confident customers will return in droves for this refreshing can of business-in-the-front-and-party-in-the-back." Mulberry-Saffron added...

NEW YORK, NY — With the Writer's Guild still on strike, Saturday Night Live announced they will be back on air this weekend thanks to a popular new host who requires no writers since he can ad-lib for hours: Donald Trump. "Yes, we know he's an evil orange fascist who will literally murder our democracy, but we have no other options here," said producer Lorne Michaels. "Trump is the only guy I know who can walk in without a script and still have everyone in stitches all night." Sources confirmed this weekend's episode will feature Trump wildly monologuing for an...

SUNDERLAND, MD — After catching his teenage son looking at pornography, local father Daniel Gouge sat his son down for a heart-to-heart talk before meting out justice by giving him a copy of the latest swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated, which features Martha Stewart on the cover. "Son, women are not objects," Gouge said. "And I'm afraid the only way to help you understand that is by showing you Martha Stewart in a saucy bikini." He added, "Look at her, son. She's 81. Older than grandma." "Ugh, Dad! No! My punishment is too great to bear!" the 14-year-old reportedly cried...

EL PASO, TX — The mainstream media has been heaping praise on President Biden for finally drawing a larger crowd than former President Trump. According to reports, hundreds of thousands are gathering in El Paso and it's all because of President Biden. "These are truly historic numbers we are seeing! Trump could never get this many people even at his biggest rallies," gushed CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. "This is an incredible moment for President Biden. He's clearly resonating with the American people -- well, the people, anyway -- and it's clear that his policies are making a real difference." Upon...

REHOBOTH, DE — Biden has retired for the weekend to his beach house in Delaware, enjoying a well-deserved rest after working a brutal five hours over this past week. Biden has simply run himself ragged in service to our county," Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre told the press. "He showed off his incredible, youthful vigor by putting in an astounding five hours of work this week, marking a four-hour increase from previous weeks. Biden will need an extended break at his beach house to recover from the strain." Biden's accomplishments over the past week ranged from staring blankly at members of...

WORLD — A mysterious new virus is forcing millions of people around the world to call in sick to work today, according to sources. "We've never seen anything like this," said a World Health Organization spokesperson Chad Muskrat to reporters. "It seems to be exclusively affecting males between the ages of 10 and 40. So far, tens of millions in the U.S. alone have called in sick. We are urging everyone to stay in their homes and maybe relax on the couch while, I don't know, playing a video game or something." "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm feeling a...