Free Republic

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Local man Asher Grayson, who recently graduated from Harvard with a degree in neuroscience, confessed he feels woefully unprepared to join the workforce because the only thing he knows how to do is chant "Free Palestine!" "I'm starting to think my $500,000 of student debt wasn't worth it because I don't know a thing about molecular neuroscience," said Dr. Grayson, who finally earned his PhD in 2024. "Free Palestine!" Grayson is just one of several students who feel they've been failed by Ivy League universities that spent more time training them to protest Israel than helping them...

Music, while thoroughly enjoyable and a beautiful form of artistic expression, is often full of logical fallacies and outright misinformation. Having an expert separate the truth from the lies can be helpful. The Babylon Bee enlisted famed astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson to debunk the myths of the following popular songs: 1. "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves: "It is quite physically impossible to ‘walk' on sunshine, as light is made up of photons and is not a solid substance." 2. "Love Is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar: "Provably false. Love is, in fact, an emotion induced by various...

EL SALVADOR — As Trump's deportation efforts continue, leaders from several South American countries have expressed their outrage at having their sovereign countries flooded by an influx of their own citizens. According to leaders from Colombia, Costa Rica, Ecuador, and Venezuela, Trump's deportations are unjustly violating their countries' rights to not be flooded by their own citizens. "We cannot sustain the tidal wave of our own citizens coming back over our borders," complained Colombian President Gustavo Petro. "Colombia is being overrun by all the violent, criminal, rapist Colombian citizens Trump is funneling into our country. His immigration policies must be...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The leader of the free world was sporting a new look this morning, as witnesses noticed that President Donald Trump's skin had returned to normal human color just one day after HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. began phasing out artificial dyes. The president's hue marked a drastic change from the standard orange-tinted tone he had become known for, with experts speculating that RFK Jr.'s ban on synthetic dyes resulted in Trump's skin reverting back to a far more natural shade commonly associated with human beings. "He's a cleaner, far less-toxic Trump," said one White House...

https://babylonbee.com/news/cnn-reports-behind-closed-doors-pope-is-focused-sharp-and-energeticVATICAN CITY — CNN journalists on the ground at the Vatican are reporting that behind closed doors, Pope Francis remains focused, sharp, and brimming with energy. Though videos circulating online have purportedly showed Pope Francis to be dead and lying in state at Saint Peter's Basilica, CNN stated these videos were "deepfakes" and part of a right-wing misinformation campaign. "Claims of the Pope being dead are completely ridiculous. Francis has so much energy, we can barely keep up with him," said Kaitlan Collins. "These videos use deceptive editing and clever angles to make it appear that Pope Francis is dead...

U.S. — Following news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had officially banned artificial food dyes, Post Consumer Brands announced that it would be changing its "Fruity Pebbles" cereal to the more compliant "Whitey Pebbles." The food giant said the cereal would feature all the same great ambiguously fruity flavors in similar packaging to the original, but now with 100% fewer carcinogenic food colors to avoid facing severe reprimands from Kennedy's Health Department. "All the deliciousness, none of the poison!" Post marketing representative Shelly Banks said. "There's nothing quite like waking up in the morning, heading into the kitchen,...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House has advised every American to reply "STOP" if they no longer wish to receive texts about upcoming military strikes from Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. "We all hate spam. No one is disputing that," said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt during Wednesday's press briefing. "We understand the number of texts people are receiving about air strikes in Yemen has become a problem. So, the White House is making it easy to stop receiving these messages. Simply reply 'STOP' if you don't wish to see any more updates from Secretary Hegseth." Hegseth has been under fire in...

On the heels of news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. would be banning synthetic colors in the manufacturing of foods, Democrats across the country began chugging artificial food dyes as a bold act of protest. The civil disobedience served to underscore the displeasure of citizens on the Left for what they described as oppressive fascism that would deprive them of their right to develop severe hormonal, autoimmune, and reproductive side effects, as well as put themselves at increased risk for various cancers. "You have no right to take away our Red 40!" shouted Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as she...

U.S. — In yet another step toward the advancement of protections for all people groups, activists announced today that MS-13 had officially been added to the LGBTQ+ acronym to ensure that the rights of violent foreign gang members were recognized. Civil rights groups hailed the announcement as a significant step forward in the ongoing crusade to see MS-13 gang members be given their rightful place in society among other persecuted groups after decades of mistreatment and ostracism. "MS-13 gang members are some of the most oppressed and vulnerable in our society," said LGBTQMS-13 activist Cherise Hargrave. "For far too long,...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a frustrating string of judicial roadblocks that have hindered his agenda, President Donald Trump announced a move to overrule the United States Supreme Court by establishing the new Ultra Supreme Mega Court. After a flurry of rulings created strong opposition to his executive actions on immigration, federal funding cuts, and other issues, sources said the president saw the establishment of his own court as a way to circumvent activist judges and override the Supreme Court. "A big, beautiful court filled with turbo justices," Trump told reporters. "These rulings won't stand a chance. I will appoint these...

U.S. — According to sources, several individuals who bypassed the legal process in migrating to the United States are demanding due process before being deported. "The law has to mean something!" said José, a member of the international crime gang MS-13. "America is a nation of laws, and laws must be followed, except for the ones that say I can't sneak in and do a bunch of murderin'. Those don't count." Washington Democrats blasted the Trump administration for swiftly punishing migrants just because they "broke the law," arguing that migrants shouldn't have to follow the law. "Following the law is...

GLORY — The afterlife of one of the world's most prominent religious figures got off to an awkward start today, as Saint Peter reportedly asked the newly arrived Francis if he could have his pope hat back. Witnesses said the uncomfortable interaction occurred just after Pope Francis approached the pearly gates, with the revered Simon Peter allegedly confronting him to ask for the return of his special papal headdress. "Would you mind handing that over to me, bruh?" Peter reportedly asked. "I'm sure you've taken good care of it for me, but… you know… I'd appreciate it if I could...

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - While Christians have often complained of bias in the selection of which days Google honors with its "Google Doodles," believers around the country were reportedly ecstatic to find that the search and advertising giant chose to honor the empty tomb of Jesus on Easter morning with an empty homepage. While many significant holidays like International Women's Day, Labor Day, and "Celebrating Pad Thai" are honored with a specially designed Google logo for the day, the celebration of Jesus's resurrection was given the highest honor, with a completely unaltered Google homepage. "Just as Christ left a completely...

https://babylonbee.com/news/male-churchgoers-partake-in-beloved-easter-tradition-of-being-forced-to-wear-pastel-polo-shirtsU.S. - The nation's churchgoing men have reported that they had a great time partaking in their beloved annual tradition of being forced to wear pastel shirts on Easter Sunday. The tradition goes back as far as the early church, where the apostles begrudgingly wore pastel robes at their wives' bidding each time they celebrated the risen Lord. "We just love letting our wives pick out pink, baby blue, or pastel green polo shirts for us to wear all day long," one man wearing a pink shirt mumbled as his wife stood nearby listening. "It's a really great tradition. We...

Pic too big. Click to see. GAZA — In a desperate attempt to return to family and friends they haven't seen in over a year and a half, American hostages being held by Hamas reportedly disguised themselves as MS-13 gang members so Democrats would fight to bring them home to the U.S. After being held captive since late 2023 with little sign of their elected officials being motivated to bring them home, sources said the Americans still in the custody of Hamas had devised a clever plan to cover themselves in MS-13 tattoos so congressional Democrats would advocate for them....

JERUSALEM - Local Roman soldier Plinius was given his guard assignment for the weekend and was delighted to see he'd been entrusted with guarding the tomb of "some Jewish carpenter guy," as he'd be able to get some shut-eye and have a nice, relaxing weekend. Plinius pumped his fist and gave a little "Yeeeah boy" under his breath after his commanding officer told him he would be guarding the tomb of "this Jewish dude" who had apparently been causing some trouble. "I'm glad they didn't put me where the action is - I really needed some downtime," Plinius said to...

WORLD - Multiple extremely reliable sources reported on Good Friday that "it is finished," with your immeasurably great sin debt having been paid in full on the cross by the Son of God himself, Jesus Christ. The unthinkable sacrifice to atone for your sin and guilt was reportedly accomplished some 2,000 years ago, once and for all, and is given as a gift to those who place their faith and trust in the Savior. Sources were also able to confirm that the perfect righteousness of God the Son is freely imputed to those who repent and believe in him, based...

U.S. — With politicians and pundits still involved in heated debates over the legality of the deportation of an MS-13 gang member, liberals warned the public that enforcing immigration law was a slippery slope that could lead to enforcing other laws. Congressional Democrat leaders urged caution in the enforcement of long-existent laws that prevent foreign nationals from entering and residing in the United States illegally, citing the risk posed by setting a dangerous precedent of prosecuting other people for committing different crimes. "This is a perilous road to go down," said Senator Chuck Schumer. "Today, you're talking about enforcing immigration...

AUGUSTA, ME — The state of Maine has recently continued its struggle for equity by suing the federal government to allow Sasquatch to continue competing in women's sports. According to Governor Janet Mills, Maine will "always be a safe place" for Sasquatch to play women's volleyball or any other women's sport his enormous mammalian heart desires. "Deep inside Sasquatch's hulking muscles and furry coat is a little girl who just wants to play," said Mills. "We in Maine will never kowtow to the federal government's argument that 'sometimes Sasquatch rips girls' limbs off, creating an unsafe environment.' Sasquatch has not...

Though men were the first to reach for the stars, science has proven definitively that women are far better suited to the task. Consider the evidence. Here are ten reasons women make better astronauts than men: They look so cute in their little space outfits: Science has proven that girl astronauts look way cuter in little space outfits. Men could never pull this off. Space is a vacuum and women love vacuums: For cleaning. If you time the mission right, they're all in good moods and super cooperative: But if your timing is off... God help you. They need...