Free Republic

VATICAN CITY — Catholics and Protestants around the world expressed concern this week, as Pope Leo XVI gave his recommendation that Christians pray the rosary while facing in the direction of Mecca. The pontiff made the proclamation after visiting Turkey and Lebanon, stating that not only should the West be less fearful of the spread of Islam, but all Christians should seek to live more peaceably by facing toward the holiest of Islamic sites when they pray the rosary. "This is an important step toward helping the Muslims conquer us all," Pope Leo said. "I do not think that Christians...

CARACAS — A young employee's burgeoning career took a massive step forward this week, as a junior cartel member was excited to find out that he was already getting an opportunity to drive the boat. Luis Delgado, who had only been hired by the cartel two months ago, was notified by his supervisors that he had been promoted to boat driver for the upcoming shipment of narcotics to the United States. "This is the most amazing day of my life!" Delgado said after hearing the news. "I knew joining the cartel gave me a career with a lot of potential...

WOODBRIDGE, VA — Local man Brian Cole Jr. reportedly had his invitation to the annual FBI Christmas Party rescinded after being arrested under suspicion that he was the January 6 Pipe Bomber. Federal agents raided Cole's home on Thursday after successfully linking him to the mysterious hooded suspect who had planted explosive devices at both the Democratic and Republican National Committee Headquarters on the eve of January 6, which sources confirmed was a big "no-no" for federal employees. "Cole was one of our best, but he violated his oath when he got caught," Special Agent Dylan Ravenslaw said during a...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Amid national outrage over Somali immigrants in Minneapolis raping people all the time, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz held a press conference to assure concerned citizens that not all Somali rapists are bad people. "I'm friends with a lot of Somali rapists, and they really aren't all bad," said Walz while prancing back and forth across the stage to the delight of his voters in the press. "Somali rapists are some of the nicest, smartest, most polite people I know, and many of them contribute to the economy somehow. Anyone who is prejudiced against them should be ashamed...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A remake of the popular 2001 war film Black Hawk Down was reportedly in development at Columbia Pictures, with producers eyeing downtown Minneapolis as the primary filming location. "I got stuck there on a layover once, and I thought I'd landed in Somalia, but it was just Minnesota," producer Jerry Bruckheimer said. "I've never been more scared in my entire life. And I'm from Detroit." The original film, based on the true story of two U.S. military Black Hawk helicopters that were shot down during the Battle of Mogadishu during the Somali Civil War, was filmed using...

What good is an amendment saying we have the right to bear arms if I can't go house to house firing buckshot into every inflatable Christmas minion I see? Look, I don't have to spend my evenings driving around the neighborhood in my 2003 Silverado, shooting high-powered ammunition into inflatable Grinches. I do it as a service to my community. I'm just an everyday, red-blooded American, trying to do his part to rid the world of these abominations. Putting up inflatables to decorate for Christmas is like celebrating your anniversary by kissing your sister. It's gross, and it doesn't...

EAGAN, MN — In a move intended to better reflect the state's modern demographics and generate more interest in the team from the populace, the Minnesota Vikings announced that they were changing their name to the Minnesota Somali Pirates. Though the franchise had built a proud tradition since joining the NFL in 1961, team ownership reportedly decided that updating the team's name, logo, and mascot could lead to an increase in fan interest among Minnesota's growing Somali migrant population. "This could be a huge boost in interest and revenue," said Steve Poppen, the team's Executive Vice President and Chief Business...

With accusations flying of war crimes on the high seas, you may find yourself asking: what really constitutes a war crime? Let us help unpack this complex issue and break down what does and doesn't make someone a war criminal: A soldier using more than one bullet: WAR CRIME. Shooting a gun a second time is why the Geneva Convention had to happen 'Wonderful Christmastime' by Paul McCartney: WAR CRIME. Straight to gulag. Bioengineering a virus in a Chinese lab that kills millions and shuts down the entire world: Nah, it's cool. Microwaving fish in the office break room: WAR...

U.S. — In addition to preventing people from entering the United States from various nations around the world, the White House revealed on Tuesday that Minnesota had been added to President Trump's third-world travel ban. The additional order would officially keep anyone from the foreign land of Minnesota from entering the U.S., eliciting a collective sigh of relief from Americans across the country who live in fear of encountering dangerous immigrants from the North Star State. "They're not sending us our best," Trump told reporters in the Oval Office after adding Minnesota to the travel ban. "Murderers, rapists, criminals of...

U.S. — Following a difficult year that saw the party lose the White House to Donald Trump and both houses of Congress to Republican control, a new survey revealed that Democrats' poll numbers had surged among the key narcoterrorist demographic. While the Democratic Party had shown signs of making inroads in other segments of the voting populace, it was the sudden spike in support from the important South American illegal drug traffickers that gave the party hope that its popularity was back on the upswing. "We're out here fighting hard for the rights of drug traffickers," said House Minority Leader...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Congresswoman Ilhan Omar has gone on the record to condemn Trump for suggesting she be deported to Somalia, arguing that she has every right to stay in the horrible country she hates. Following a viral Thanksgiving tweet by President Trump blasting Ilhan Omar for hating on America, the congressional representative hit back at Trump by airing her grievances in the most derogatory way possible: on CNN. "I have every right to be in this terrible, evil, disgusting country," Omar told reporters on CNN. "No, I'm talking about America, not Somalia. Why would I say that about Somalia?...

A startling new study says Artificial Intelligence may be close to replacing many jobs for humans, and many jobs occupied by lawyers as well."AI is a wonderful tool that can help people in many amazing ways," explained lead researcher Stan Marsden. "But we worry it will soon replace a significant number of jobs that humans hold in the workplace. It might also take jobs from lawyers and other non-human entities as well." The study showed a startling trend as AI replaces human-held jobs at a faster and faster rate. Job experts worry that many humans and lawyers might be out...

https://babylonbee.com/news/no-thanks-says-hungry-homeless-man-after-being-offered-marshmallow-jello-salad SAN FRANCISCO, CA — New reports indicated that local homeless man John Brill politely yet firmly refused a passerby's offer of free leftover marshmallow jello salad earlier today, despite having not eaten in several days. According to the individual who attempted to give away the Thanksgiving side dish, Brill's eyes, which had initially lit up at the prospect of finally filling his stomach, were quickly filled with disdain after he saw the colorful marshmallow jello salad. "No, thanks," Brill said, sadly, returning the container to his would-be Good Samaritan. "I'll just take my chances scrounging up something else, I...

MOULTONBOROUGH, NH — To make the most of the Thanksgiving holiday, the Richardson family reportedly instituted helpful debate rules allowing for 2-minute speeches followed by a 1-minute rebuttal. "We have to have order, people," Henry Richardson said. "No shouting over people, or you're not getting any dessert." According to sources, pre-planned debate topics for the Richardson family Thanksgiving include, but are not limited to, the American school system, January 6, and cranberry sauce. Strangely missing from the family's planned discourse is a debate on transgenderism, owing in large part to the fact that cousin Freddie's new name is Francesca. Heather...

“It is one thing to say that Russia is not going to attack Europe – for us that sounds ridiculous, it really does. We have never intended to, but if they want to hear it from us, well, fine, we will put it in writing. No problem."

Conservatism may be the superior political ideology, but don't beat yourself up, liberals. There's still plenty to be thankful for this year. Here are just a few examples: 1. Trump will probably die before he's 100, so he can only be president for like 20 more years: No one lives forever. 2. Trump got totally owned by Jimmy Fallon or Kimmel or whatever his name is: Tens of people saw it. 3. The right is currently tearing itself to shreds, arguing about whether they should team up with literal Nazis, so the future for Democrats is pretty bright actually: Just...

https://babylonbee.com/news/heaven-confirms-people-who-prefer-ham-at-thanksgiving-will-not-enter-the-kingdom HEAVEN — Celestial sources have recently confirmed that people who prefer ham to turkey at Thanksgiving will not enter the kingdom of God. According to the Almighty, preferring ham on the fourth Thursday of November is a sure sign of reprobation and will lead to a person's eternal damnation if they do not repent. "It is harder for one who prefers ham to enter the kingdom of Heaven than it is for a man to thread a needle," said Gabriel, a heavenly spokesangel. "Woe unto them who reject the grace of God by choosing the much-inferior ham to the...

https://babylonbee.com/news/trumps-strategy-of-hiring-lawyers-based-on-bust-size-not-working-as-well-as-anticipatedWASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump's seemingly bulletproof strategy of choosing lawyers exclusively based on bust size has not worked out nearly as well as anticipated. Trump was left befuddled this week as the administration suffered a string of legal setbacks despite all of his lawyers having large bra sizes. "How could she lose, she's so hot," wondered Trump. "It doesn't make any sense. Our lawyer clearly has a much larger bust than their lawyer. It's not even close. It's embarrassing, frankly, the bust comparison. We should have won easily. Maybe the judge is gay, or blind. There's no other way...

A startling new study says Artificial Intelligence may be close to replacing many jobs for humans, and many jobs occupied by lawyers as well. "AI is a wonderful tool that can help people in many amazing ways," explained lead researcher Stan Marsden. "But we worry it will soon replace a significant number of jobs that humans hold in the workplace. It might also take jobs from lawyers and other non-human entities as well." The study showed a startling trend as AI replaces human-held jobs at a faster and faster rate. Job experts worry that many humans and lawyers might be...

CAPERNAUM — Residents of several nearby villages were abuzz with excitement this week, as the traveling carpenter-turned-teacher Jesus of Nazareth healed a demon-possessed man by taking away his smartphone. According to witnesses, the man's desperate friends and family brought him to Jesus after His disciples were unable to help him. Multiple reports indicated that the man's rages, convulsions, and foaming at the mouth were instantly healed as soon as Jesus removed the man's smartphone from his hand. "You could tell he was immediately a different person," one witness said. "He had been screeching and wailing, screaming about arguing with...