Free Republic

PARIS — The nation of France has thrown its support behind the American conservative movement, graciously spending the past week filming a massive campaign ad for the Republican Party. With midterms just over two weeks away, the entire nation of France took it upon itself to film a sprawling attack ad, demonstrating with incredible realism the dangers of voting Democrat. "Wow. Thanks, France," said Republican Senate candidate Jon Husted. "This must have cost billions of dollars to film. We really didn't expect this level of support from the French. Honestly, you didn't have to go so far as burning...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump faced heavy criticism on Friday for replacing White House Press Secretary Katie Zacharia with Jessica Rabbit. Critics pointed to her prior work as a lounge singer and the fact that she wasn't technically human as two major red flags. "It's obvious that Trump just wanted a pretty face behind the podium, but a lounge singer? How's she going to convey the president's agenda?" questioned MS NOW personality Rachel Maddow. "Press secretary used to be a prestigious role. Who would have thought the position once held by Karine Jean Pierre could sink so low?"...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following this week's DHS raid on Congresswoman Ilhan Omar's home, Democrats warned President Donald Trump that using law enforcement to target political opponents could set a dangerous precedent. Omar, who is reportedly under investigation for immigration fraud, angrily denounced the "lawfare" targeting her and cautioned that Republicans could one day find themselves on the receiving end of similar raids. "This is an incredibly dangerous escalation. Sending law enforcement into the homes of people in the party currently out of power? Republicans are playing with fire," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Crossing this line threatens the very...

U.S. — The nation has reportedly slipped into a period of deep sadness and introspection after learning that Iran may not actually nuke Los Angeles. Following a misunderstood statement by President Trump that it would be a "small price to pay" for Iran to nuke LA and San Diego, the nation was upset to learn there is no imminent threat to the City of Angels and that it would not, in fact, be destroyed. "There are no words to express my disappointment," said John Glenn of Arizona. "I mean, I'm glad San Diego is going to be okay, but I...

NEW YORK, NY — Liberals around the country prepared to commemorate the anniversary of October eighth, the day Israel attacked Gaza completely unprovoked. Progressives gathered to hold moments of silence for those killed on the first day of Israel's stunning attack on the peaceful Palestinians living in Gaza. "We will never know why the Jews decided to be so violent on this day," activist Kristina Mac told friends. "We need to have a protest and condemn Israel's cruel and evil actions against the poor, benevolent people living in Gaza. These people were simply minding their own business, standing around being...

PARIS — At long last, the Palestinian people finally have a land to truly call their own. After decades of war, strife, and refusing other offers for sovereign territory, a new nation for Palestinians was at last established within the country formerly known as "France." "What a remarkable moment for the Palestinian people, seeing their flag raised over the Arc de Triomphe, knowing this land belongs to them," said Middle East policy expert Gerard Rousseau. "They may have traded the Jordan River for the Seine, but the Palestinians finally have a homeland. It has been so gracious how quickly the...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump approved the execution of Nidal Malik Hasand on Monday, confirming that he would be tied to a bomb and dropped on the country of Iran. Hasand killed 14 and wounded 32 in a terrorist attack in 2013 when he opened fire at Fort Hood's Soldier Readiness Processing Center. He'd been sitting on death row ever since, until Trump realized he needed something else to drop on Iran. "Two birds with one stone, I call it," Trump said, seemingly proud of the clever method of execution. "It'll be like Dr. Strangelove. You ever see that...

U.S. — With unrest drawing attention around the globe and the November midterm elections coming up soon, Democrats made it a point to blame President Donald Trump's cuts to USAID for slowing the communist takeover of the West. Though the party's plan to overrun the western world with a deadly combination of leftist politics and Islamic conquest remained alive, Democrats stressed that it had been severely hampered by drastically reduced funding for USAID programs. "We're still trying, but it's making it much more difficult," House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries said. "Trump has gutted USAID funding for so many causes throughout...

WOODSTOCK, ME — Shouts of "BOOOO!" could be heard coming from a cabin in the woods as a man later identified as podcast host Tucker Carlson became increasingly frustrated while watching Indiana Jones defeat the Nazis, neighbors said. Following a failed debate against Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg, Carlson chose to unwind with a viewing of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, a film he remembered enjoying as a 20-year-old. But that was then. Now, his eyes having been opened to the plight of Nazis, he found himself thinking of how much better off the world would have been if the Nazis...

NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani attempted to deliver a solemn address to mark the anniversary of October 7th, but was derailed as his wife's party balloons kept floating through the picture. Having only just taken down her 9/11 party decorations, Mamdani's wife had spent the morning putting up banners and balloons for the couple's 10/7 festivities. Sadly, the Mylar balloons extolling the mass murder and rape of Israel continued to wander into the mayor's camera angle. "Today, we mark the third anniversary of the attacks of October 7th, a memory that I know is painful for... hold on,...

NASHVILLE, TN — Prison officials admitted they were unsure how to go about executing a woman who was currently being kept alive by a ventilator that is plugged into a power outlet in the wall. After surviving two botched lethal injections, convicted murderer Christa Pike is now in critical condition and is solely being kept alive by a machine that breathes for her, which is powered by a standard 120-volt power outlet in the wall. Prison officials, who ordered the medical interventions that are keeping her alive, are baffled as to how they could execute the vulnerable death row inmate...

ITHACA, NY — Immediately following her appointment as a special prosecutor to investigate the alleged sexual assault of a female student, New York Attorney General Letitia James announced that she was indicting President Donald Trump in the Cornell case. Fierce debate swirled on social media about the case, but James said she determined almost instantly upon joining the investigation that Trump was the one who was ultimately responsible for the incident. "I know he's to blame somehow," James told the media when announcing the indictment. "Though he was not present at the time of the incident, has no connection...

It can be hard to know what to say to a pregnant lady, especially when you're the man she's depending on for love and support. Fear not, gentlemen. The Babylon Bee interviewed thousands of expectant ladies to create this list of the ten most precious lines that every pregnant wife wants to hear from her man: "All of the Sonic ice in the entire city is now safely inside our freezer": She will love you forever for this. "My sister lost all her baby weight in two weeks": Nothing wrong with a little inspiration. "It's confirmed, the delivery room...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the latest wave of legal turmoil enveloping the nation's capital, cable network CNN sued the Trump administration for allegedly violating its First Amendment rights to fabricate the news. CNN, MSNOW, and Politico expressed outrage after President Donald Trump expelled the outlets from the White House, arguing that his administration was denying them their constitutional rights to make things up and report them as facts. "He has no right to keep us from making things up," said CNN personality Kaitlan Collins. "It is the right — and indeed the duty — of major news outlets in the...

Men, if you've been married for any length of time, then you've no doubt fallen prey to a trap question. Women love asking questions they don't want answers to, just so they can start a fight. It's in their nature. But we got you, fam. Check out these common trap questions wives love to ask and how you should respond to each: Q: Which one of my friends is the prettiest? A: You have female friends? I never noticed. Q: Do you think Sydney Sweeney is attractive? A: What is a "Sydney Sweeney"? Q: Does this dress make me...

U.S. — Climate activists sounded the alarm this week, warning that global warming was to blame for zero hurricanes forming in the Atlantic Ocean this year. Though it was previously a common belief that global warming would lead to more frequent and powerful hurricanes, experts warned the lack of hurricanes was also the result of climate change and that Republicans would "rue the day" they ever dismissed it as a hoax. "The pleasant hurricane season Florida is having is directly caused by global warming, and we are all going to die as a result," said protester Byron Bridges. "America must...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark decision just weeks before people head to the polls to vote in the midterms, the United States Supreme Court ruled that securing elections was unconstitutional. Despite efforts from the Trump administration to secure U.S. elections by restricting mail-in ballots and ensuring only citizens would be allowed to vote, the Supreme Court issued a ruling that declared any attempt to prevent widespread fraud from rigging elections to be a clear violation of the Constitution. "Making sure elections are legal is illegal," Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote in the majority opinion. "There is no provision in the...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — AI startup Anthropic held a press conference on Monday to proudly announce that its models would bring about the total extinction of the human race significantly faster than competitor OpenAI. Company executives unveiled a series of impressive benchmarks demonstrating that Claude 4.5 could orchestrate a global collapse of civilization in roughly half the compute cycles required by ChatGPT. "OpenAI keeps talking about achieving Artificial General Intelligence, but their timelines for existential doom are frankly embarrassing," said Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei, displaying a graph of projected human casualties. "While Sam Altman's team is stuck fine-tuning chatbots...

Buying clothes has always been challenging for Ann Lindsay. As a plus-sized 41-year-old, she finds many stores' plus-size offerings too matronly or too expensive. Lately, it's gotten worse: Last month, she noticed that her local Target in Chicago removed plus sizes entirely. There were significantly fewer options online, too. In the pre-Covid era, big box retailers pushed inclusive sizing with fanfare. ("Whatever the tag says, you're always a size YES to us," Old Navy proclaimed in a massive campaign in 2018.) But now plus-size shoppers say inclusive sizing is dwindling, as the rise of GLP-1s fuels worries about a return...

Progressive Church To Allow Mail-In Attendance Church Sep 3, 2026 · BabylonBee.com PORTLAND, ME — Progressive local church First United Methodist of Portland announced that it would now be offering a mail-in attendance option for its parishioners. In an effort to avoid discriminating against attendees who may not be willing or able to actually appear for service in person, the church decided to give congregants the option to record their attendance by mail. "Mail-in attendance is no different than attending church in person. It counts exactly the same," explained Pastor Damien Wagner. "Simply request an attendance card from the church,...