Free Republic

After years of ignoring the world's most popular sport, Americans finally took a keen interest in soccer after discovering how much it can irritate Europeans. With social media flooded by outraged Europeans crying about having to play the U.S. team at its full strength, Americans were struck by a sudden epiphany. "So this is why people love soccer," said local man Brad Stephens, watching the Belgian coach cry like a baby. "All these years, I never understood it. Aw, look at those big crocodile tears! I just never knew how much rage and anguish we could put Europeans through with...

U.S. — With several areas across the globe battling record high temperatures, Americans have graciously offered to help by turning their air conditioning down to 65 degrees and opening the windows. Several European counties, unable to afford air conditioning due to their technological ignorance and desperate poverty, have begged for someone to step up and save them. Once again, America is coming to the rescue. "Well, well. Look who needs America to save them again," said local man Ben Fields. "Poor Europe, whining about climate change, when we have a machine that changes the climate inside every house. It's no...

U.S. — The Transportation Security Administration announced on Thursday that it had officially placed the entire Democratic Party on the No Fly List. After several Democratic Party members declared that America deserved the 9/11 attacks and Western civilization should be eradicated, TSA leaders stated that they were left with no choice but to add the entire party to the list. "These people are clearly too violent and unstable to be allowed on commercial jetliners," said TSA official Matthew Kingsley. "At the TSA, we believe that crashing planes into skyscrapers to murder thousands of innocent people is bad. While Democrats' supporters...

NEW YORK CITY — According to sources, a radical Islamist terrorist felt torn between two possible career paths: leading the next violent jihad against the infidels or becoming a Democratic senator of the United States. Abdullah bin Khalid Al-Makki reportedly took time off from his busy schedule to give serious thought to his future. Would he lead an Islamic Jihad with the goal of killing millions, or become a Democrat and get elected to the American Senate with the goal of killing millions? "Decisions, decisions," said Al-Makki, holding his bazooka. "There are pros and cons. It will take a lot...

U.S. — In a powerful showing of solidarity with the algae discoloring the newly-renovated Reflecting Pool, liberals across the nation have begun adding green pond scum to their drinking water. Democrats are proudly guzzling the verdant potable, a small act of daily rebellion against the tyranny of President Trump. The trend gained momentum after activists began posting videos of themselves drinking murky green water under the hashtag #StandWithTheScum. Influencers competed to demonstrate their commitment by consuming increasingly opaque beverages. "Take that, Donald," said local liberal woman Amy Gunther as she videoed herself gulping down another glass of algae. "Team...

The World Cup has brought real excitement to these American shores, and not just in the form of soccer, but in the innocent, wide-eyed discoveries of European tourists experiencing the United States for the first time. Here are some of their most surprising discoveries: 1. Football is actually called "soccer": All this time, they were calling it by the wrong name. 2. Americans prefer a sport called "baseball" where no one kicks anything: How can you have a sport with no kicks? 3. It's surprisingly difficult to be stabbed by a Muslim: You can find it on any street corner...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The algae from the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool surged ahead of former Vice President Kamala Harris in polls for the Democratic Party's 2028 presidential nomination. The news came over the weekend after many Democrats expressed approval of the green sludge covering much of the newly renovated reflecting pond in front of the national monument. Many said they thought the ooze adequately reflected their values and political objectives over other potential candidates like Harris. "I like that stuff," Democratic voter Kelsey Waters said. "I'd vote for it in a heartbeat. It knows how to stand up to Republicans,...

KABUL — The notorious terrorist organization ISIS has claimed responsibility for an algae attack that has disrupted the beautiful blue color of the Reflecting Pool. An ISIS spokesman released a statement today stating that the group was behind the infiltration of the pool by algae, turning the radiant blue water an unsightly off-green hue. "You have now seen the carnage we are capable of," said ISIS spokesman Ali Kandrahar. "Look how gross that green color is. Nasty. We have brought the Reflecting Pool to its knees, and this is only but a taste of what we have in store...

SAN DIEGO, CA — NASCAR will celebrate Pride month this year by featuring its first all-Subaru race at the Navy 250 in San Diego. Feeling that being hosted at a Navy base was not quite gay enough, NASCAR officials decided to up the ante by requiring all entrants drive a Subaru station wagon with at least 17 bumper stickers. "Now that's what I call 'Pride'," said NASCAR CEO Steve O'Donnell. "There will be little sailor outfits, Subarus, and 'It's Raining Men' blasting on the loudspeakers. We're going all in this year. The crews are going to all do the 'YMCA'...

NASHVILLE, TN — While commemorating the film's 20th anniversary, former Vice President Al Gore explained that while An Inconvenient Truth did not prove to be accurate, it did make him incredibly rich. Gore, who wrote and starred in the Oscar-winning documentary, was happy to sit down for an interview with ABC News' Ginger Zee this week to discuss how successful the film was at building his wealth. "I think the film was a great success, actually," Gore said, speaking of the film's numerous failed predictions. "For me, that is. It may not have been true in any way, but...

WORLD — Citizens across the globe breathed a collective sigh of relief after learning that the government of Iran has promised to be good from here on out as part of the peace deal negotiated by President Donald Trump. The announcement came as final details of the deal were released to Congress this week, including a provisional agreement by Iranian heads of state to be cool and stop killing people. "We have seen the error of our ways and will be super nice from now on," said IRGC commander Amir Arzhang. "You can absolutely trust us with hundreds of billions...

NEW YORK, NY — According to sources, Vice President JD Vance stumbled upon an incredible discovery on Tuesday when he made contact with a tribe of illiterate, feral women. The all-female tribe was discovered in a television studio where anthropologists believe they ate garbage and pretended to put on a show for their pantheon of primitive gods. Their clothing was allegedly a mixture of rags and what appeared to be remnants of the JC Penney Spring Collection. Vance took copious notes while in their presence, hoping to get his findings to a local university so the tribe could be further...

U.S. - Leading scholars believe that the angel who saved Daniel in the lion's den used a red laser pointer to distract the vicious cats. The hungry lions could not help but chase the uncatchable red dot, distracting them throughout the night until Daniel was freed. "Though the angel could have used a flaming sword to terrify them, the laser pointer was much more entertaining," explained Bible scholar Jonas Marks. "No kitty can resist the allure of the red laser dot, not even a vicious lion. It was both humane and delightful." The angel reportedly also brought an oversized ball...

U.S. — The least popular sport in the world is hosting a tiny little tournament for the few people who care. Virtually unknown outside of a few areas in the developing world, the sport goes by various names, including "footy" and "adult kick-ball." Enthusiasts said the dozen or so people who play the sport put together an adorable, quaint event to try to gain a bit of relevance. "Aw, that's cute," said local man Kevin Lamb, reading about the small gathering. "I think it's nice that cities are opening their Little League fields for them to use for their rinky-dink...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump set a new world record this week by winning the same war with Iran for the 27th time this year, shattering the previous record of one.According to White House officials, Trump first won the war with Iran in February. However, the war started again the following week, but was quickly won, and Trump has continued winning the war multiple times since."No one thought we could win the war so many times," Trump told reporters. "We won it very strongly. Then we won it again bigly, and then we won it even more. Frankly, nobody...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As racial tensions continued to rise in the wake of the verdict handed down in the Austin Metcalf murder trial, a somber former President Barack Obama said if he had a son who stabbed someone in the heart with a knife, he would look just like Karmelo Anthony. Obama made the solemn statement as part of a press release in which he bemoaned the lingering racial disharmony that exploded during his presidency, clearly exemplified by the horrific stabbing of Metcalf at the hands of Anthony last spring. According to the former president, if he had a murderous...

The conversation every Black parent dreads is happening right now in living rooms across America, ignited by a single word echoed in a Texas courtroom: guilty. 19-year-old Karmelo Anthony was convicted of murder in the death of Austin Metcalf and sentenced to 35 years in prison. But while the verdict closed the legal chapter, it opened a painful, urgent dialogue inside Black homes—one centered on a parent’s deepest fear. For many, the verdict has forced an agonizing acceleration of Black childhood, forcing parents to strip away their kid’s innocence in exchange for survival. Popular TikTok Influencer, Just Wayne, spoke about...

Pope Leo XIV and global superstar Bad Bunny had a private meeting at Santiago Bernabéu Stadium in Madrid, Spain, on Monday evening, the Vatican revealed.

It's Pride Month again, making this the perfect time of year to see what inspirational passages can be found in God's Word that pertain to the subject. Kick your pride up a notch and pass these comforting verses on to the gays in your life: 1. Genesis 19:24-25: "Then the Lord rained on Sodom and Gomorrah sulfur and fire from the Lord out of heaven. And he overthrew those cities, and all the valley, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground." 2. Leviticus 18:22: "You shall not lie with a male as with a...

The AR-15 - the deadliest abomination known to man. A gun so terrible it's killed more people than net neutrality and Trump's tax cuts combined. And to demonstrate how awful this weapon is, I did something foolish: I tried firing one. And the experience was so horrible I have not stopped crying and soiling myself since.Yes, even as I type this, tears fill my eyes at the remembrance of pulling that trigger and the terrible things that followed. And my pants... my pants are so soaked.How to describe the experience of firing that monstrosity? When I pulled the trigger, it...