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ANN ARBOR, MI — A highly controversial ending at Michigan Stadium has unfortunately put a slight black eye on the NCAA's otherwise sterling reputation. Though historically a bastion of high ethics and integrity, the NCAA has come under scrutiny after referees announced the existence of a secret game clock that never reaches zero while Michigan is losing. "It's an unfortunate blemish for an organization that has always been regarded as carrying itself with the utmost virtue," said media pundit Dan Bradshaw. "To have a call like this, it raises uncomfortable questions such as 'Why do the refs have a secret...

U.S. — The State of Massachusetts has officially been ruled incompetent by reason of insanity. The landmark decision, handed down this morning by the United States Supreme Court, has ruled that the entire state is unfit to hold trials, engage in civil service, or do anything else besides make clam chowder. "We find the entire state grossly incompetent due to being completely insane," announced Chief Justice John Roberts. "The entire state needs to be shut down and prevented from doing anything whatsoever until it gets help. We have ordered a large, large fence to be built around the entire state...

HELL — Feminist icon Gloria Steinem refused to allow Satan to hold the door open for her on the way into hell, in what many are calling her final act against the Patriarchy. "No way," Steinem said as the Devil attempted to hold the door open for her. "I don't do that. I don't submit to your male chauvinism. I won't give you that power over me. Now step aside." Satan told friends he was a little taken aback by Steinem's behavior. "I typically hold the door for all our new female residents," he said. "It's just the way I...

NEW YORK, NY — Governor Kathy Hochul desperately tried to warn New Yorkers that Republicans were taking away women's rights, but no one in the room could hear her because her mouth was covered by a hijab. With the hijab making Hochul's voice sound like the muffled groans of the teacher from Charlie Brown cartoons, New Yorkers remained tragically ignorant of the threat that Republicans pose to women's freedom. "Bwahh-bwahhh. Gllll. Merrrr," said Hochul, waving her arms frantically. Attendees and members of the media were bewildered. "Huh. Wonder what she's saying under there," said local man Hamza Malik. "Seems like...

U.S. — New poll numbers released this week showed Lindsay Clancy surging into the frontrunner position in the race to become the 2028 Democratic presidential nominee. Clancy garnered overwhelming support from Democratic women and continued to make gains among men who hate children and wish they were dead. "Clancy 2028! Wooo!" shouted supporters outside the courthouse where Clancy was awaiting the verdict on her triple homicide case. "No one gets us better than Lindsay. Who better to fight for women's rights than a woman who stared down the system that wanted to punish her for murdering three children? She...

NEW YORK CITY, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced the installation of a Muslim foot-washing station at the base of the 9/11 Memorial in preparation for marking the 25th anniversary of the Islamic terrorist attacks. Mamdani stated that the addition was long overdue, as Muslims repeatedly lodged complaints about not feeling properly accommodated at the site where thousands perished. "So far, the 9/11 Memorial has been a total failure, with systemic exclusion built into its very bricks," said Mamdani. "How can you celebrate — I mean, solemnly observe — 9/11 properly without humbly obliging the religion that propagated these...

If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. That is the mantra of the modern Democrat Party, which for decades posed as the champions of "female liberation," but now kowtows to an Islamist ideology that infamously oppresses women. New York Gov. Kathy Hochul is the latest to submit to Muslim men, indulging their preference that women cover their heads when going out in society. On Friday, Hochul readily jettisoned her feminist garb and adopted the Muslim one to impress an audience of New York City Zohran Mamdani's friends. This is what Hochul says in the clip: "I want to...

U.S. — A popular dating app announced a new feature that would allow men to filter out women who support accused child murderer Lindsay Clancy. OkCupid developers announced the new addition to the app after men expressed a desire for a product that would allow them to be paired with women who don't empathize with a woman on trial for murdering her three young children. "It's a pretty simple concept, really," OkCupid spokesman Mark Sidwell explained. "There are a lot of men out there who would rather not waste their time with women who think the patriarchy is responsible...

U.S. — The Girl Scouts of America, in cooperation with the Islamic Center of America in Dearborn, MI, unveiled a new Muslim badge girls could earn by getting married before the age of 8. Because of the strict age requirement, the Muslim badge can only be earned by Daisies and Brownies. Other program levels are ineligible for the coveted new badge. GSUSA President Telva McGruder said, "Islamophobia is a growing problem, and we want to do our part to teach our Girl Scouts about what it really means to be tolerant, which is why we will be offering a...

LANSING, MI — During a live interview on Fox News, Democratic Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed forcefully defended the beheading of infidels, explaining it was really the same thing as a haircut. "Have you had a haircut, Jesse?" retorted El-Sayed, upon being asked whether he supported cutting off people's heads with a machete. "Clearly you have no problem with people using sharp objects to cut off parts of your head. Yet, because of your bigotry, you want to deny infidels the opportunity to have their heads cut off with a machete. Your disgusting hypocrisy could not be more apparent." Watters tried...

Nestled in the heart of the South, there's a reason America's 22nd state is called "Sweet Home Alabama." Here are the top 10 reasons to pack up and move to the heart of Dixie: Nice people always telling you to bless your heart: Southern hospitality at its finest. No one gets too worked up about football: Finally, people who act sensible about teenage kids playing a silly game. Home of the famous Aflac commercial actor Nick Saban: He's so great talking to that duck. Never have to walk more than 17 steps to get to a Waffle House: A...

Britain’s new farming minister fainted at the sight of meat as he toured a food processing plant, a report claims, as the country’s new left-wing Prime Minister tries to win over farmers the previous government relentlessly attacked. Stephen Morgan, Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State at the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs — otherwise known as the ‘farming minister’ — a junior minister in the new Andy Burnham government is reported to have taken a queer turn when touring agricultural sites to help him familiarise himself with his new job. Britain’s best-selling newspaper The Sun cites a farmer familiar with...

The Babylon Bee is taking New Mexico to court over a state law that requires warning labels on certain AI-generated political content, arguing the mandate threatens political satire by forcing comedians to explain the joke before readers can laugh. The Christian satire site filed a federal lawsuit Tuesday against New Mexico officials, with backing from Alliance Defending Freedom, challenging provisions of House Bill 182, the 2024 law that amended the state’s Campaign Reporting Act to regulate what it calls “materially deceptive media.” The law requires covered political advertisements that use artificial intelligence to generate or manipulate images, video, or audio...

NEW YORK CITY, NY — After rumors circulated that she had split with her boyfriend, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez posted a video explaining how she had actually frozen him just in case she might still want him in the future."I'm doing this to keep my options open," said AOC, happily surveying the block of ice containing ex-boyfriend Riley Roberts. "As a working woman and someone who has given her life to serving the public, I have very little time right now for personal life stuff. In a few years when things calm down, I might want to get back together with...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A committee from the United States Senate announced today that they were finally joining the rest of the nation in holding Anthony Fauci in contempt. The announcement came after Fauci appeared in front of a congressional hearing last week and pleaded the Fifth Amendment on every question asked of him. Americans admitted they'd already been holding him in contempt for years. "We can't stand that guy," American Maria Maxwell said. "He's responsible for shutting down schools. I still haven't recovered from having my three kids online for 8 hours a day. I'm glad to hear the...

AUGUSTA, ME — The Democratic Party of Maine explained to voters that they can do "no rape" or "no incest", but not both. After carefully reviewing the slate of possible Democratic Senate candidates in Maine, party leaders informed voters that they'll simply have to settle for one or the other. "What do these people expect from us when they say we can't run a rapist?" said party leader Mike Prather. "Once you take all of the rapists out of the equation, it's just a bunch of liberals sleeping with their cousins. Those are your options, Maine. Honestly, we're getting pretty...

AFGHANISTAN — Members of the Al-Qaeda terrorist organization are reportedly kicking themselves for all of the work they did pulling off 9/11 when they could have just run for mayor of New York City. Al-Qaeda leader (Emir) Saif al-Adel admitted to feeling quite jealous of Zohran Mamdani's success as mayor and wishes he had thought of it. "Boy, do I have egg on my face. Let me tell you, it was a terrible idea in retrospect," Saif said. "All of my friend got killed, and I could have just run for mayor instead! Oy vey!" Mohammad al-Rabbi, assistant to the...

You may have recently realized that prominent figures can easily slide off the hook by pleading the Fifth Amendment, but did you know it's possible to plead the Fifth at home as well? Husbands, stop incriminating yourselves by simply pleading the Fifth when faced when any of these eight questions: "If I die first, how long until you remarry?": There is no answer here that does not lead to your untimely death. "Am I becoming like my mother?": Brother, this is why the Fifth Amendment was invented. "Are you sad you married me and not my sister Rachel?": Keep...

AUSTIN, TX — Over the course of a ninety-minute transaction, Elon Musk became the sole and absolute owner of The Economist. Though Musk had no reported prior interest in the aging magazine, Musk acquired total ownership of the company during a sit-down with The Economist's Zanny Beddoes. "Well, that didn't quite go as planned," sighed Beddoes, handing over her employee badge to Musk. "Here you go, Elon. I'll, uh, just see myself out." Musk, for his part, offered Beddoes the option to stay on with the company, on the condition that she do actual journalism. Beddoes made several loud screeching...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Science has declined to answer any questions to avoid incriminating itself for crimes it may have committed. Upon being brought in for a Congressional hearing over its handling of the COVID-19 pandemic, Science stated that it was advised by its attorneys to not answer questions so as to not to provide damaging witness against itself. "Science has elected to exercise its fifth amendment right to not provide testimony that may be used against it in criminal proceedings," said Science's attorney Jay Varner. "This decision should in no way be taken as an admission of guilt by Science....