Free Republic

Lura Groen is the pastrix of All Saints Lutheran Church in Bowie, MD, and has the distinction of being the grossest clergy we’ve ever written about. She’s claimed that Jesus was trying to SEDUCE the woman at the well, said that there are lesbian angels’ who ‘consensually’ flirt with queer Christian women, and compared the mystery of the Trinity to the luridness of sadomasochism and BDSM. She’s argued that Christians are but one of many ‘brides of Christ’ because the Lord is “poly” and has ‘other lovers’ of different religions and faiths, and has promoted hook-up culture, premarital sex, and...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As millions of Americans continued to mourn several days after the assassination of a prominent conservative leader, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi announced the plan to honor Charlie Kirk's legacy by doing the exact opposite of everything Charlie Kirk stood for. Just six days after Kirk was killed at an event promoting free and open debate in the public square, Bondi appeared as an interview guest on an internet podcast to make a stern pledge to prosecute individuals who were deemed to have engaged in "hate speech." "The best way to honor Charlie is by going against...

https://t.co/AMeXCf4rA8 NEW YORK, NY — Responding to public outcry to set the record straight after a terrible act of political violence launched the debate about dangerous rhetoric to the forefront of American consciousness, the New York Times issued a minor clarification that conservative activist Charlie Kirk had said "Hitler is bad" and not "Hitler is good." The correction came several days after Kirk was gunned down at a public event, with the New York Times seeking to clarify that it had gotten one minor detail wrong by telling its readers that Kirk had praised infamous Nazi leader Adolf Hitler when...

https://babylonbee.com/news/cancel-culture-leftist-fired-simply-for-having-a-different-opinion-on-whether-conservatives-should-be-murdered CHICAGO, IL — In what has been described as a disturbing "canceling" trend sweeping across social media, a local leftist was fired from her job simply for having a different opinion on whether conservatives should be murdered. Charity Sparks, an account manager for a marketing company, lost her job over the weekend after she was outed online for a TikTok video in which she performed a celebratory dance and laughed uncontrollably to celebrate the killing of Charlie Kirk and express her deeply held belief that all conservatives should be murdered. "They're so closed-minded about me wanting them all dead,"...

U.S. — Reports from across the country reveal millions of Christian extremists gathered in groups this morning to pray for the people who want to kill them. Though they shed tears of grief for the dead, the extremists collectively reaffirmed their belief in the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting. "Yes, we are grieved and sorrowful, and for all those hurting deeply, we pray to the Lord," said local man Greg Thompson. "And for those who have hurt us and celebrate our grief, we also pray to the Lord. We have seen the most heinous...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Several prominent Democrats issued statements this week, condemning the recent assassination of a man who shared his opinion by saying there is absolutely no place for violence against evil Nazi Republicans who are literally killing people and destroying America. "I'm shocked," House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries said in a statement. "Absolutely shocked someone would attack a dangerous extremist who is a literal existential threat to our democracy. That's taking things way too far." According to Washington insiders, Democrats claimed the death of Charlie Kirk was simply a big misunderstanding and that they shared absolutely no blame in...

U.S. — Democrats have begun wondering if perhaps they should stop saying the sorts of things that assassins engrave on shell casings for when they murder people. In the wake of yet another shooter engraving liberal messages on ammunition, the Democratic Party considered if maybe that was a bad sign. "Wow, people keep writing things I say on bullets they use to kill people. Should I... should I not be saying those things?" pondered Democratic Senator Chris Murphy. "Could that, just maybe, not be good? It seems a tad concerning." Though somewhat uneasy about seeing their own quotes engraved on...

U.S. — The entirety of the American higher education system has officially been designated a terrorist organization by the United States federal government. Intelligence officials stated that the university system met all of the criteria for designation, including extremist indoctrination, promoting violence, and murdering dissidents. "It checks all the boxes," said Secretary of State Marco Rubio. "Honestly, just charging $200,000 for a Sociology degree really should qualify as terrorism. They've gone even further, setting up literal training campsites, advocating violence, and targeting specific populations. No one has churned out more terrorists or terrorism supporters than the American university system. Plus,...

U.S. — Experts revealed that an estimated 12 million new Charlie Kirks had been created overnight following the murder of the conservative echelon earlier this week. The army of Charlie Kirks was said to be uniformly committed to continuing the original Kirk's message and mission of hope and courage. "I've never seen anything like it," sociologist Brandon Meeks told reporters. "Over 12 million new Charlie Kirks sprang up practically overnight. They're carrying Kirk's message all over the place. I saw twenty of them with my own eyes, speaking plain truths and affirming the mission of Jesus Christ boldly to all...

U.S. — In the days following the assassination of Charlie Kirk, universities across the country were quietly canceling their "Kill Conservatives 101" classes. Sources said these classes had been put on hold until they could be renamed and rebranded for the spring 2026 semester. "We figured these classes might be frowned upon by some people, considering the circumstances," said gender studies professor Professor Xindi Mavis (she/them) of Utah Valley University. "We invite our students to enroll in some of our alternative classes, such as Communist Liberation 101 and Trans Furry Culture 101." Some conservatives believed the prevalence of official university...

The numbers show Democrats have an image problem, amid record-low approval ratings and a growing voter registration gap. To reverse that trend, some Democrats are working to build a message they say can win over more Americans. Democrats suffered heavy losses in the 2024 elections, both nationally and in battleground states. Last year more new voters registered Republican than Democrat for the first time since 2018, according to data from business intelligence firm L2. “Democrats have to reestablish trust with voters and win a whole bunch of folks back,” said Rep. Greg Landsman, D-Ohio. Landsman hopes to lead the charge...

HEAVEN — Charlie Kirk, faithful follower and witness of Jesus Christ, has been welcomed home to enter into the joy of his Lord. Heavenly sources confirmed that, after 31 years of graciously allowing everyone on Earth to benefit from his life, God deemed the world unworthy of Charlie Kirk and brought him into eternal glory where he belonged. A gifted and articulate apologist for Christianity and American values, Kirk was on record as stating that, despite building a massive following and influencing global events, "It's all about Jesus." Reports from Satan's kingdom, conversely, indicated that there was joy and celebration...

U.S. — A new poll suggested ongoing confusion as to why conservatives won't give up their guns among those who keep shooting at them. "I don't get it," said one violent left-wing activist. "It's like they want to be able to defend themselves or something." According to the Gallup poll, approximately 97% of armed assailants expressed surprise and bewilderment that conservatives won't simply lay down their arms and allow themselves to be controlled or openly attacked. Meanwhile, conservatives were reportedly more enthusiastic than ever to buy more guns. "I want to be able to defend myself and my family," said...

With violent crime continuing to plague American cities, the time has come for truly radical measures. Here are seven ideas for extreme changes to make our cities safer: Have highly trained guys with guns patrol dangerous parts of the city to protect innocent people: They could even wear like a badge so people know who they are. Take the violent people you arrest and keep them in some sort of building away from other people: It's crazy, but it just might work. If someone gets arrested a dozen times, they actually have to stay in the building away from...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump calmed an anxious world today with assurances that nothing bad has ever happened in the wake of a vicious dictator invading Poland. With news breaking overnight that NATO fighter jets had been scrambled to intercept Russian drones entering Poland's airspace, Trump sought to remind everyone that, historically speaking, invasions of Poland have turned out just fine. "It's not a big deal, dictators invading Poland, nothing to be alarmed about," said Trump. "Nothing major has ever come of it. It's just Poland, after all. Not much happening there, believe me, just sausages and Catholics. It will...

Converting to a different faith can be intimidating, but when the pros outweigh the cons, it can be totally worth it. You just have to be aware of the benefits of making the switch. For any Muslims considering jumping ship, The Babylon Bee has put together the following list of the best reasons to leave Islam for Christianity: Bacon: The list could end right here, and it would still be worth it. Your wife can show her face in public without being stoned to death: Have you ever watched someone try to eat soup at a cafe while wearing...

PYONGYANG — A group of oppressed people arrived in a new land in hopes of making a better life for themselves, as a ship filled with British refugees traveled to North Korea in search of freedom. Witnesses said that the poor, huddled mass of humanity emerged from the vessel battered and downtrodden, hoping to experience a new life of liberty by migrating to the less-totalitarian regime of Kim Jong Un's North Korea. "I already feel less oppressed," said Reginald Hardington, a native of London who set off for North Korea to create a better life for his family. "From what...

U.S. — Facing heavy criticism for going easy on violent criminals, a group of Democrats sought to prove that they are tough on crime by proposing a bold new "100 Strikes and You're Out" law. The new initiative brought forward by Democrats was praised by media outlets as a step in the right direction to hold violent, murderous criminals accountable after they have brazenly committed 100 horrific acts against innocent victims. "At some point, enough is enough," said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. "There is simply a line which no one must cross, and that line is at 100 serious...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As national discourse continued to be centered around highly publicized violent crimes perpetrated on innocent victims, Democrats warned that surveillance videos perpetuate stereotypes by accurately depicting events. A series of shocking incidents caught on various surveillance cameras brought the increase in violent crime to the public's attention, causing prominent members of the Democratic Party to push for the removal of security cameras, as they tend to portray violent criminals as violent criminals. "It's wrong for these cameras to show things as they really are," said Texas Rep. Jasmine Crockett. "With all these cameras everywhere, it's gettin' really...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced the immediate deportation of the infamous "Phillies Karen," a woman who complained until a baseball was taken from a child, to an El Salvador Prison. "She took a ball from a kid. Who does that?" Trump said. "She's got no place here in America. I have revoked her citizenship. Even the losers and haters in the Democratic Party don't want her here. Adios, Karen!" Phillies Karen garnered attention Friday when she failed to catch a home run ball and, instead of going back to watching the game, complained about it. A local dad had...