Free Republic

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of the executive order to bring back mental institutions, President Trump announced this morning that he would begin by converting the entire city of Minneapolis into an insane asylum. The new executive order aims to stem violence from people on the streets with severe psychiatric conditions, such as the population of Minneapolis. "It's going to be a big, beautiful loony bin," said Trump of the new project. "We're going to drop a big building right on top the city to keep all the nutsos safe inside. People say it's mean, but it's really the nice...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic lawmakers once again called on the Department of Justice to reign in ICE officers, fearful that mass deportations will make illegals afraid to vote. "I am afraid that if we don't end these ICE raids soon, illegal aliens will be too afraid to illegally vote in our elections," Senator Chuck Schumer said. "That's why I'm calling on our president to step in and do the right thing by no longer executing the law." According to sources, undocumented migrants are much less likely to vote as a result of ongoing ICE arrests and may not even bother...

In a brilliant stroke of genius, President Donald Trump has just disguised himself as a Muslim migrant so that Europe now has to let him invade Greenland. Analysts say this could be the covert operation of the century, as European countries now have no real way to criticize Trump's plans to take over Greenland from within. "I'm going to immigrate to Greenland for a better life and then put the country under the fattest fatwa you've ever seen," a kufi and thawb-clad Trump told a group of dismayed European diplomats. "We're talking setting up my special Trump-brand mosques, maybe a...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the American public demanding action be taken by the government in response to aggressive and violent leftist protests across the country, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi promised to prosecute Minnesota rioters as soon as she finishes releasing all those Epstein files. Bondi responded to the outrage after days of lawlessness in Minneapolis and other cities by assuring the American people that the individuals behind the violent riots and disturbances of church services would be held accountable after she had looked through the pile of Epstein documents that were sitting on her desk. "I'll get to it...

ST. PAUL, MN — According to sources, membership at a local pentecostal church failed to notice when protestors stormed the building and began screaming at everyone because it wasn't at all dissimilar from a typical pentecostal service. Church membership at Golgotha Holy Fire Victory Pentecostal was reportedly overjoyed at the influx of visitors who joined them to speak in strange tongues, shove each other, and roll all over the floor. Church leadership called it the most successful service they'd ever had. "Those people had the Spirit on them, no doubt," said longtime member Steve Winthrop. "What a blessing!" Disgraced former...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Antifa has flooded the streets of Minneapolis to protest against violence by viciously beating innocent bystanders. In objection to perceived harsh tactics by masked ICE agents, the protesters have donned masks and begun pummeling hapless citizens who wander too close. "This will teach them to be more civil," said local protester Dani Markham, as she dragged a random old man out of his car. "We're going to stand up to these ICE goons by beating this old man within an inch of his life. Bite the curb, old-timer. No more violence in Minneapolis!" According to witnesses, Antifa...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Following recent developments stemming from political protests and clashes with the federal government across the state, Minnesota announced that it had changed the official state bird to a screaming lesbian. After the recent spate of screaming lesbians, state officials agreed that a change was needed to modernize the official state bird and make it more fitting and identifiable as embodying what everyone thinks of when they think of Minnesota. "It's much more of a natural fit," Governor Tim Walz said in a statement to reporters. "Yes, we've had the loon as our state bird for many years,...

WASHINGTON, D.C — According to sources, President Donald Trump met with a prominent Muslim leader in the Oval Office on Friday to discuss the ongoing protests and unrest in Iran. Tucker Carlson, one of the world's most well-known and outspoken proponents of Islam, arrived at the White House for an important meeting with President Trump, as rumors persisted that the U.S. was on the verge of launching strikes against the Ayatollah's Iranian regime. "It's important for the president to consider several different perspectives, including from Muslims, before condoning a course of action that could lead our country to war," said...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Supreme Court took a break from deliberations regarding individuals competing in sports designated for the opposite sex to bring in an expert five-year-old boy to explain the difference between boys and girls."Boys have wee-wees and girls have vee-vees," said Hunter Plath, a five-year-old boy from Iowa.According to court records, the explanation elicited various responses from the justices. Justices Sonia Sotomayor and Ketanji Brown Jackson were seemingly astonished, saying, "Ohhhhhhhh!" Associate Justice Brett M. Kavanaugh only giggled.Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly rolled his eyes as the two most liberal justices of the court followed up with questions on...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump warned this week that if the Minnesota government is unable to get the riots under control, he will be forced to start posting online using all-caps. With tensions and violent anti-ICE protests escalating in Minneapolis, Trump said he may have no other choice but to start posting sternly worded all-caps statements on social media. "I don't want to do it, but I will," Trump told reporters at the White House. "Melania has said, ‘Don, you need to cut it out with the caps lock.' But I'm getting close. If these liberal nut jobs don't...

Progressive Researchers Claim They Are 15-20 Years From Finding Out What A Woman Is U.S. — Progressive researchers working with the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU ) said they were only a mere 15-20 years away from finding out what a woman is. "We're very close," said Dr. Nina Rangleford, a medical doctor and biology expert. "We've studied hundreds of human bodies and cross-referenced those findings with what people feel. We're confident we'll be able to provide an accurate definition of what a woman is in just 15 years. Twenty, max." Researchers said they have left no stone unturned in...

Every woman wants a hunky, conservative dude to marry. The hard part is knowing how to attract them. The Babylon Bee is here to help with the following list of beauty tips that will land the based MAGA man of your dreams. Walk into your hair salon and say, "Give me the Trump!": In seven short hours, you'll have the perfect hairstyle for getting a man's attention. Speak fluent Elvish: It sounds beautiful, and he won't know when you're mad at him, which will be great for your relationship. Be sure to match your AR-15 with your purse and...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Supreme Court took a break from deliberations regarding individuals competing in sports designated for the opposite sex to bring in an expert five-year-old boy to explain the difference between boys and girls. "Boys have wee-wees and girls have vee-vees," said Hunter Plath, a five-year-old boy from Iowa. According to court records, the explanation elicited various responses from the justices. Justices Sonia Sotomayor and Ketanji Brown Jackson were seemingly astonished, saying, "Ohhhhhhhh!" Associate Justice Brett M. Kavanaugh only giggled. Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly rolled his eyes as the two most liberal justices of the court followed up...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has revealed his plan to seize Australia, cash in its two-troop continent bonus each turn, wait for the other armies to deplete each other, and then launch an invasion of Asia. Trump stated that with only one point of entry in and out of Australia, the continent was set up ideally for amassing an army while avoiding early losses. "First Australia, then the world," said Trump. "We're going to win bigly, believe me. It's the perfect balance, Australia. You're cashing in that bonus, which I love, I love bonuses, they're incredible deals. You're steadily getting...

U.S. — With the fall of the Ayatollah regime appearing to be imminent, prominent Democrats expressed fear that the dangerous Iranian desire for freedom could potentially spread to the United States. Leaders of the Democratic Party stressed that the desire to be free from oppression could pose a serious threat to the American way of life and urged everyone to ignore what has been happening in Iran to prevent it from happening here. "This type of thinking is contagious," said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. "I wept when I turned on the news and saw what was happening in Tehran....

U.S. — According to sources, an exhausted nation was wishing Minnesota would just be normal for, like, five minutes. Insiders revealed that every sane person in America had grown tired of Minnesota being unable to go more than a few seconds without some type of bizarre scandal or horrific incident. "Please," said one American citizen. "We're tired. Please just be normal, Minnesota. Please, we beg you." Experts were reportedly stumped as to what Minnesota's major problem is or how it got so bad. "Yeah, it beats me," said Dr. Harold Beeker, an expert on states. "Minnesota is kinda insane right...

U.S. — Following the events in Minneapolis this past week, liberals across America are now living under the constant terror of being senselessly shot by the ICE agents they're hitting with cars. Many liberals will not even go outside, fearful that America is no longer safe for people who aim their SUVs at law enforcement officers and accelerate. "I'm petrified. This is an awful new reality we are living in, where the federal officers you're trying to mow down could shoot you at any moment," said local liberal Jennifer Small. "Every time I wave good-bye to my husband, I wonder...

U.S. — Political commentator Tucker Carlson expressed confusion after learning that the Iranian people were protesting their own government, saying he was absolutely dumbfounded as to why they would rebel against the greatest government on the planet. "Iran is among the greatest governments in the world, only Qatar really comes close — and it's much smaller, obviously," Carlson said. "I'm just completely dumbfounded. The Iranian people are literally voting against their own interests — except that they can't vote, actually — which is a good thing by the way." Iran's current wave of protests began at the end of December...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following recent ICE-related shootings, Democrat leaders stepped forward to remind the nation that everything would be much safer if law enforcement would just stop enforcing the law. According to Democrat lawmakers, the recent spate of violence and rioting could all have been avoided if law enforcement agents had just avoided conflict and sought peaceful resolutions by not preventing criminals from continuing to break the law. "Clearly, the problem here is the enforcement of laws," House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries told reporters. "They've constantly inflamed, prodded, and goaded mostly peaceful criminals into unavoidable acts of civil disobedience by...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — According to witnesses, federal ICE agents shifted their tactics slightly by donning Capitol Police uniforms so that Democrats would start defending them from being harmed. "I wish we had thought of this sooner," one ICE officer was heard saying. "It's like flipping a switch in their brains that makes them appreciate us." Ever since the federal government's crackdown on fraud and illegal residency in Minnesota began, ICE agents have been on high alert. The local community, encouraged by Democrats, has been fighting them every step of the way. Fortunately, that seems to be changing at a record...