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U.S. — According to sources, an exhausted nation was wishing Minnesota would just be normal for, like, five minutes. Insiders revealed that every sane person in America had grown tired of Minnesota being unable to go more than a few seconds without some type of bizarre scandal or horrific incident. "Please," said one American citizen. "We're tired. Please just be normal, Minnesota. Please, we beg you." Experts were reportedly stumped as to what Minnesota's major problem is or how it got so bad. "Yeah, it beats me," said Dr. Harold Beeker, an expert on states. "Minnesota is kinda insane right...

U.S. — Following the events in Minneapolis this past week, liberals across America are now living under the constant terror of being senselessly shot by the ICE agents they're hitting with cars. Many liberals will not even go outside, fearful that America is no longer safe for people who aim their SUVs at law enforcement officers and accelerate. "I'm petrified. This is an awful new reality we are living in, where the federal officers you're trying to mow down could shoot you at any moment," said local liberal Jennifer Small. "Every time I wave good-bye to my husband, I wonder...

U.S. — Political commentator Tucker Carlson expressed confusion after learning that the Iranian people were protesting their own government, saying he was absolutely dumbfounded as to why they would rebel against the greatest government on the planet. "Iran is among the greatest governments in the world, only Qatar really comes close — and it's much smaller, obviously," Carlson said. "I'm just completely dumbfounded. The Iranian people are literally voting against their own interests — except that they can't vote, actually — which is a good thing by the way." Iran's current wave of protests began at the end of December...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following recent ICE-related shootings, Democrat leaders stepped forward to remind the nation that everything would be much safer if law enforcement would just stop enforcing the law. According to Democrat lawmakers, the recent spate of violence and rioting could all have been avoided if law enforcement agents had just avoided conflict and sought peaceful resolutions by not preventing criminals from continuing to break the law. "Clearly, the problem here is the enforcement of laws," House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries told reporters. "They've constantly inflamed, prodded, and goaded mostly peaceful criminals into unavoidable acts of civil disobedience by...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — According to witnesses, federal ICE agents shifted their tactics slightly by donning Capitol Police uniforms so that Democrats would start defending them from being harmed. "I wish we had thought of this sooner," one ICE officer was heard saying. "It's like flipping a switch in their brains that makes them appreciate us." Ever since the federal government's crackdown on fraud and illegal residency in Minnesota began, ICE agents have been on high alert. The local community, encouraged by Democrats, has been fighting them every step of the way. Fortunately, that seems to be changing at a record...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Democrats took to social media following the deadly ICE shooting in Minneapolis to demand to know why the agents can't just shoot cars in the legs to de-escalate situations. In the wake of the shooting of a protester, Democrats renewed their calls for law enforcement officers to wound criminals instead of shooting to kill when confronted with split-second life-or-death decisions. "I know exactly what I would do in that situation," Democrat Dan Sands wrote on social media platform X. "I would shoot that car straight in the leg to stop it from moving forward. That's the moral...

With the announcement that he is withdrawing from the Minnesota governor's race, Tim Walz is on the hunt for a new career. Fortunately, The Babylon Bee has come up with the following list of jobs he'd be absolutely fabulous for: Learning Center Director: These have flourished into multi-billion-dollar businesses under his watch. Chief counselor at the "Pray Away The Straight" camp: What a perfect fit. One of those wacky inflatable tube men at a car dealership: He's already doing the motions. Might as well get paid. Supervisor of the tampon dispenser at a men's correctional facility: He's the world's...

U.S. — The 2028 presidential race took a surprising turn this week following the events that took place in Venezuela, as the latest round of polling showed that deposed dictator Nicolas Maduro had taken the early primary lead as the most popular Democrat. A poll of likely Democratic voters taken in the first week of January 2026 showed a dramatic shift in support from other popular candidates to Maduro, now that he has been relieved of his position as leader of the Venezuelan government and arrived in the United States. "The voters obviously love him," said one pollster. "Honestly, it...

U.S. — Experts are now recommending parents limit their children to just four hours of brain-rotting slop each day to better prepare them for the future. Pediatricians are encouraging parents to limit the time their kids spend staring blankly at putrid, worthless garbage on a tablet or phone screen. "Children are our future, and our future is looking very dim," said Dr. Heinlen Reynolds of the AAP. "That's why it's imperative you cut out the brain rot they consume by at least half. Limit it to 3 or 4 hours, tops. But don't worry, no one expects you to...

WILMINGTON, DE — With the successful military operation to topple the authoritarian Venezuelan government, former President Joe Biden was notified that he was being forced to pay Donald Trump the $25 million bounty his administration had put in place for capturing Nicolas Maduro. In the waning days of his presidency, Biden increased the U.S. government's bounty on Maduro to $25 million, which the former president was informed he would now have to pay out personally to President Trump for bringing the dictator into custody. "This is a bunch of malarkey, Jack," Biden reportedly said after being told to pay Trump....

NEW YORK, NY — A statement from the mayor's office confirmed Zohran Mamdani was following the situation in Venezuela very closely and would have more to report after his classified morning briefing, which he receives from watching The View. The classified briefing, hosted by Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Sunny Hostin, Sara Haines, Alyssa Farah Griffin, and Ana Navarro, airs every morning on ABC at 11 a.m. sharp. "Yes, Whoopi. Tell me your secrets," Mamdani reportedly said as sunlight filtered through the closed blinds of his office, framing his eyes in mystery. "Tell me everything." According to sources, today's highly sensitive...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On the anniversary of the January 6, 2021, incident at the U.S. Capitol, Democrat lawmakers gathered together once again to solemnly remember the only riot they didn't like. At a somber ceremony of remembrance, congressional Democrats met to observe the fifth anniversary of the only violent protest in history that they weren't happy about and refused to celebrate. "We're normally all about violent riots, but not this one," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "This one was bad. But only this one. All the other times large mobs of people flooded the streets to loudly protest, damage...

SOMEWHERE IN THE NEVADA DESERT — U.S. President Donald Trump was spotted fleeing from international cops in a high-speed chase after allegedly breaking international law again. The International Police Squad is an elite law enforcement team that has been imbued with all the power and authority of the international community to enforce international laws, which are not "fake and gay" at all, as some claim. The sitting president of the United States set their alarm bells off after deciding to protect his country from a narcoterrorist communist dictator who was actively harming the people of Venezuela and the United States....

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Amid accusations connected to a massive fraud scandal, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz has announced he will not seek reelection. Sources say the governor will now focus his attention on prison where it belongs. "Yes, folks, I have decided to retire," said Walz, flanked by dozens of cheering Somali migrants. "I love being governor, but I need to spend more time on some other important priorities in my life. It has been an honor serving as your governor. Hadda waan tegayaa Dhamaantiin waxaan idin leeyahay sagootin aad u wanaagsan." At publishing time, Walz had reportedly escaped the country...

U.S. — Liberal protesters have taken to the streets to protest the U.S. government's arrest of Nicolás Maduro by quickly switching their "NO KINGS" signs to instead read "YES KINGS." "Yes kings! We love kings now!" cried thousands of passionate paid protestors across the country. "Every Latin American nation has the inalienable right to a brutal king who rules them with an iron fist! Yes, kings! Yes, kings! Yes, kings!" Organizers say they hope the movement will inspire more "Yes Kings" demonstrations around the world. "Having a king is a fundamental value of a liberal democracy," said one organizer, reading...

Disney executives announced an upcoming installment in the popular Star Wars franchise that will feature a female Jedi who mysteriously turns to the Dark Side at the same time every month. "We think female audiences will relate to a character who becomes moody and homicidal once a month," the film's director Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy told reporters in a press conference this week. "I mean, our target demographic is definitely women, right? So featuring an empowered, self-assured female Jedi who just sort of goes on a Dark Side-y type rampage once a month for…reasons…will click with the millions of women who flock...

LONDON, UK — In the wake of the swift capture and extradition of Venezuelan dictator Nicolas Maduro, millions of ordinary British citizens have asked if Trump could please come do that same thing with Prime Minister Keir Starmer. According to numerous on-the-street interviews, Brits across the United Kingdom have all come together in the last 36 hours to ask if there's any possible way that Trump could just once more do that thing where he sends in Delta Force commandos to arrest a tyrant. "What I wouldn't give to see Trump post a pic of that blighter Starmer safely held...

One of the classic definitions of antisemitism is insisting on one standard of morality and/or legality for the Jewish people, but a very different one for everyone else. For example — and I’m pulling this silly, unrealistic example out of a hat — if an American politician vowed to arrest the duly-elected Israeli leader but decried the arrest of the illegitimately elected Venezuelan leader, your Antisemitism Detector should start beeping. Especially when the Venezuelan leader was a wanted fugitive under American law — and the Israeli leader was not. Welcome to the manic mind of New York City Mayor Zohran...

https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-confused-why-venezuelans-cheering-downfall-of-nice-warm-collectivism U.S. — Bewildered Democrats watched in utter confusion today as Venezuelans cheered the downfall of warm, cozy collectivism. With longtime communist dictator Nicolas Maduro being deposed overnight, Venezuelans have taken to the streets in tearful celebration, baffling liberals. "What's wrong with these people?" asked liberal Stauncey Billups, watching the festivities. "How can they be happy at a time like this, with their dear, sweet collectivism being ripped away? They must not understand how good they've had it, being free of rugged individualism. The fools!" Democrats have posed several theories, including perhaps that Venezuela had failed to try real collectivism....

https://babylonbee.com/news/classic-trump-has-delta-force-tell-maduro-youre-fired CARACAS — In a classic Trump move, the President ordered the Delta Force operators who captured Venezuelan dictator Nicolas Maduro to say "You're fired" upon deposing him. The entire Situation Room reportedly broke out in cheers as cameras showed Delta Force soldiers pointing at Maduro and saying Trump's iconic Apprentice catchphrase. "Oh man, their delivery was so perfect," said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth, high-fiving Trump. "The look on his face! Maduro's all shook up, thinking he's about to die, then they just say 'you're fired'. Goodness, I can't stop laughing." According to sources, Trump has had the Delta...