Free Republic

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President-elect Joe Biden will be inaugurated this week, and due to his incredible popularity with the American people, he will be inaugurated in a top-secret location behind a massive 12-foot wall guarded by 30,000 soldiers. "The reason President-elect Biden has to do this is that he's just so incredibly popular," said Don Lemon on CNN. "He has so many rabid fans that they might try to rush the stage as they're overcome with enthusiasm and love for Biden who is by far the most beloved candidate who has ever run for President." In addition to the 12-foot electric fence...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats have released a complete list of all their legislative goals for the next 2 years, and it's worse than we imagined. America may not survive. Brace yourself and read through this confirmed list which we got straight from the Speaker's office, and may God help us all. The Impeach Trump Again Act - New law requiring Trump to be impeached every week for all of eternity. The Inclusion and Justice Act - Requires everyone to bake cakes for gay weddings. It will also require everyone to be gay. The Fairness Act - Will set...

SAINT PAUL, MN—With Democrats in control of Congress, Americans are looking forward to seeing their elected representatives put the needs of the American people first. Democrats have responded by pursuing the one thing every American affected by devastating lockdowns needs: another Trump impeachment. According to experts, there are millions of struggling Americans-- many of whom are completely destitute-- wondering where their next Trump impeachment is coming from. Local unemployed waitress and single mother Alissa Martins spoke to reporters, saying she is "very happy" about this development. "I haven't made a dime in over 3 weeks," said the struggling young mother....

SHARE WASHINGTON, D.C.—Just days before the inauguration of the 46th President, the White House has undergone unusual changes that may be an ominous warning for Joe Biden. White House construction workers have now remodeled the Presidential restroom and replaced it with a female restroom. “Hey! There goes the Presidential urinal!” shouted a frustrated Joe Biden. “Barack never let me use that, even as Vice President. What gives?!” The construction crew ignored him and continued working silently. “C’mon, man, I’m supposed to be the President. What kinda malarkey is this? Why is there a women’s restroom here now?” continued Biden trying...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—With Trump closing in on a record second impeachment in 4 years, he is now close to filling out his impeachment punch card that grants him a free sub sandwich of his choice in the Capitol Building cafe. "It's a little-known addition to Article II, Section 4 of the U.S. Constitution you may not have heard of," said Constitutional scholar Jenna Ellis. According to Ellis, the full section reads as follows: "The President, Vice President and all Civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high...

SHARE U.S.—For many conservative Christian homeschool families, there are dark times ahead because Biden is a socialist who sniffs people and wants to hurt God. To prepare for the next four dangerous years, many large families are adding armor plating and Gatling guns to their 15 passenger club vans. "Now that the mainstream media has labeled us 'dangerous insurrectionists,' it might get a little hairy out there," said local homeschooling dad Travis Bulldoogie. "This 2-inch steel plating and minigun should do a good job of protecting us on our trips to the museum and public library." Biden and Kamala Harris...

WILMINGTON, DE—President-elect Joe Biden gave a press briefing from the basement of his Wilmington mansion announcing that his incoming administration will be utilizing an innovative skin color chart to determine who is the priority in receiving their share of the $900 billion federal coronavirus aid package recently passed by Congress. “Our priority will be black, Latino, Asian, and Native American-owned small businesses, women-owned businesses,” Biden informed the nation. “We are sending out a new color chart to all agencies involved to make sure there is no malarkey with white males and those with melanin deficiencies cutting in from where we...

President-Possibly-Elect Mike Pence has set out a bold agenda for his first 100 minutes in office, should Trump be removed. The Babylon Bee’s elite squadron of investigative journalists has obtained Pence’s handwritten, minute by minute breakdown of his plans:10:00 - Pardon and forgive Donald Trump. Remember scripture: “If a man attacks you, steals your tunic, incites a riot, causes supporters to call for your hanging, and makes everyone hate you... turn the other cheek.” After announcing pardon, try not to enjoy watching everyone’s head explode 10:08 to 10:15 - Apply hairspray 10:16 - Put casserole in oven for church potluck...

U.S.—Donald Trump was permanently banned from Twitter today, being a crazy fringe extremist who also happens to be the president of the United States. But the ever-clever Trump, always known as the smartest man in the room, has managed to get back on the social network by disguising himself as one Chongald Xrump, PR specialist for the Chinese Communist Party. Trump is reportedly attempting to build a following by tweeting about how good Uighur concentration camps are and how nice the Chinese government is, since those things are not banned under Twitter's terms of service. Once he has enough followers,...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congresspeople from both parties condemned the attack on the Capitol that occurred Wednesday, pointing out that they're the only criminals allowed in the building. Capitol police removed the unauthorized criminals from the Capitol Building, allowing the officially voted-in criminals to resume operations. "We would like to remind Americans that we are the only looters allowed in here," said Nancy Pelosi after order was restored to the House. "Remember, you must show your official congressperson identification to prove you're an approved looter to get in here. Unauthorized looters will be removed from Capitol grounds."

WYOMING—It was a blistering 7 below zero this morning at Yellowstone National Park, but that didn’t seem to faze Buffalo Guy Jake Angeli, who was grazing on the vegetation. FBI agents were made aware earlier this week that Yellowstone is Angeli’s natural habitat, so they arrived on the scene this morning with a warrant for his arrest and their weapons drawn. “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!” shouted FBI agent Patrick Henderson as Angeli’s head emerged from the tall grass. “HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!” “You talking to me?” asked the Buffalo Guy with his mouth full. “Because these are clearly hooves, not...

U.S.—Media outlets from coast to coast praised President Trump today after he accepted the results of the 2020 election in a relatively timely fashion. Even CNN pointed out that it took Trump way less time to accept the results than it has two-time failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. “You’ve got to give Trump credit here,” said Chris Cuomo during a segment of his popular show on CNN last night. “Sure, he might be literally the worst president we’ve ever seen, but at least he’s willing to accept a democratic election...UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE.” CNN then cut to an interview from last...

CUPERTINO, CA—Apple has removed all apps from the App Store and the iOS platform since any one of them could be used to incite violence. The new iPhone will just have a blank screen, to ensure you can't incite violence with it. "Phone calls and text messages? You can plot violence. Books? You can be radicalized and then plot violence. Maps? You can navigate to violence," said Tim Cook. "We must make sure no one can ever use these tools for evil." Here's the reason for banning some of the apps, according to Cook: Clock: Can schedule violence Notes: Can...

The dangerous, evil, all-powerful, fascist, Nazi dictator Donald Trump has been voted out of office and censored, as is tradition for evil dictators. “I never thought I’d live to see the day where America is ruled by a dictator!” said concerned American Kelly Lampler. “But at least now he’s a dictator that has been effortlessly silenced online!” “We are living through scary times indeed under the rule of this fascistic tyrant,” said worried CNN reporter Zeeke Chambers at a time when zero journalists or dissenters have been silenced, jailed, or executed by this administration. Like many dictators before him Trump...

U.S.—Facing unprecedented efforts from Big Tech to silence their infallible reporting, The Babylon Bee has announced an innovative new format known as "print." Fans of the newspaper can now receive their news written on an anonymous, untraceable format known as a "newspaper." The new technology will be printed with ink on paper and hand-delivered by kids riding bikes--directly to your mailbox. "We've been working hard on this technology for a long time," said Owner Seth Dillon. "After years of research, we have finally developed a technology and distribution method that Big Tech can't touch." Sources say this new paper can...

U.S.—Antifa leaders are condemning the storming of the Capitol in D.C. as an egregious act of cultural appropriation. Antifa representatives report being "hurt deeply" by this insensitive display. "My culture is not your protest!" said Portland Antifa organizer Vantrixie Dirpot in a New York Times column. "Antifa has a proud cultural heritage of surrounding government buildings, businesses, and homes while the occupants hide in terror. We're pros at this. We burned down D.C. last year because, you know, fascism. These posers have stolen our cultural heritage for their own purposes!" "It makes me sick," said one elementary school teacher as...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a recent statement, President-elect Joe Biden has promised to move quickly the moment his term as President begins. He announced that immediately after his inauguration, the first order of business will be to impeach and remove Donald Trump from office. “Listen, folks, here’s the deal: If I’m going to be your President, then first thing’s first. We’re going to have to impeach this orange one-horse donkey kicker,” President-elect Biden explained. He continued, “Now I know you’re all excited about erasing the Electoral College and packing the Supreme Court, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Trump has...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Ignorant Republicans rioted yesterday but didn't even snag any free big-screen TVs out of the deal, sources at the Capitol Building reported. The short-sighted protesters stormed the Capitol without stealing a bunch of stuff, prompting many to question whether they really understand the purpose of a peaceful protest at all. "Look at these morons, rioting at the Capitol when there's a perfectly good Target just down the street," said one CNN reporter. "If they'd looted a bunch of local businesses in the name of social justice or whatever, we'd be covering this protest a heck of a lot differently,...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an awesome display of action movie MAGA-greatness, Trump walked away from the exploding Republican Party like an absolute legend, without looking back or even flinching. Witnesses say they saw Trump power-walking in slow motion away from the massive explosion as smoldering wreckage and shrieking Republicans rained down around him. "I've never seen anything so beautiful," said Steve Bannon and Nancy Pelosi in unison. Trump supporters and Democrats collectively cheered while the steely-eyed Trump strutted confidently without any indication that he cared about the scorching inferno behind him as it laid waste to all the "losers and second-rate cowards"...

Ignorant Republicans rioted yesterday but didn't even snag any free big-screen TVs out of the deal, sources at the Capitol Building reported. The short-sighted protesters stormed the Capitol without stealing a bunch of stuff, prompting many to question whether they really understand the purpose of a peaceful protest at all. "Look at these morons, rioting at the Capitol when there's a perfectly good Target just down the street," said one CNN reporter. "If they'd looted a bunch of local businesses in the name of social justice or whatever, we'd be covering this protest a heck of a lot differently, I'll...