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https://babylonbee.com/news/hunter-biden-warns-that-without-illegal-immigrants-the-price-of-crack-will-skyrocketWILMINGTON, DE — As part of a wide-ranging sit-down interview released on YouTube, Hunter Biden warned Americans that, without illegal immigrants, the price of crack cocaine and prostitutes would skyrocket. In an urgent plea to the American people, Biden told the public that President Donald Trump's hardline immigration policies threatened not only to affect various industries across the country but also drive the cost of hard drugs and sex slaves through the roof. "These essential products will become totally unaffordable to the average American," Biden said. "I think the people of this country need to realize what's at stake here....

The red-and-white souped-up Schwinn bicycle made famous in the 1985 film “Pee-wee’s Big Adventure” will soon have a new permanent home in what is arguably one of the most unusual movie tie-ins in the history of celluloid. The bike — which served as the MacGuffin in the Tim Burton-directed cult favorite — will be permanently displayed in the Alamo Visitor Center and Museum in San Antonio to mark the 40th anniversary of the movie’s theatrical release.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blow to hopes from conservatives that the former president would face severe consequences for allegedly overseeing an attempt to deligitimize the Trump presidency, Barack Obama argued that he can't be charged with treason since he wasn't born in America and isn't a legitimate American citizen. Republicans acknowledged that they could be left without any legal recourse after President Obama absolved himself of any potential treason charge by reminding everyone that he couldn't face any consequences since he was never a citizen to begin with. "I can't commit treason against America if I was never an...

After announcing the cancellation of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, CBS is hard at work searching for a better program to replace their old flagship. Here are ten great ideas that would be way better than The Late Show:Larry The Dying Leper: This show is just watching a man slowly die of leprosy. Way funnier!Kidney Stone Watch: 90 straight minutes of a dude trying to pass a kidney stone.That old "KaBoom" infomercial with Billy Mays on loop: Such a classic.Cemetery Cam: Nothing but a livestream from a camera at a cemetery. Big upgrade, CBS.The Ingrown Toenail Experience: Way less...

Democrat lawmakers decried it as the “Big, Ugly Bill,” but some members of the minority party are beginning to praise — and even take credit — for various provisions within President Donald Trump’s One Big Beautiful Bill Act. Communities across the country stand to gain billions of dollars in federal funding from the president’s sweeping tax relief and immigration law that Trump signed on July 4. Several congressional Democrats are beginning to claim responsibility for provisions they deem beneficial to their constituents despite fiercely opposing the bill during its passage. ... Though House Democratic Leader Hakeem Jeffries has argued that...

SACRAMENTO, CA — As the federal government takes steps to attempt to solve a myriad of problems facing the Golden State, a furious Governor Gavin Newsom told reporters he won't stand silently by while Trump fixes California. While the Trump administration continued to conduct deportation operations throughout California cities, and the Department of Education proposed a plan to prevent males from competing in K-12 girls' sports, Newsom pledged to do everything in his power to prevent Trump from solving any of California's severe issues. "As long as I'm breathing, California will remain on the brink of destruction," an angry Newsom...

NEW YORK CITY — In a stunning example of rampant fascism, a TV network cancelled a show that wasn't making any money and had terrible ratings. "The Colbert Show spoke truth to power and its cancelation is a chilling example of the fascism that's growing every day here in the U.S.A.," online culture blogger Danielle Swanson wrote this week. "With Colbert off the air, there will not be one single late-night host left who will criticize Trump. Fascism has won." CBS announced this week it was cancelling The Late Show starring Steven Colbert, stating it was purely a business decision...

U.S. — A terrifying study has confirmed what some already feared: there are people still getting vaccinated for COVID. The startling report, released by the CDC, revealed that there were thousands of sentient human beings who were actually opting to receive a COVID booster in the year 2025. "I had no idea it was this bad," said one concerned citizen to reporters."Are people really that dumb? What's going on here? I wonder if the COVID vax has fried their brains. That must be it." There are still COVID boosters being offered by drug companies designed to protect against Alpha (B.1.1.7),...

U.S. — The news media which remained unconcerned for four years by the lack of circulation to former President Biden's brain have expressed deep concern over the circulation in President Trump's ankles. Journalists, who were unable to identify any symptoms of cognitive decline in a man who could not speak and shook hands with ghosts, have sounded the alarm over the mild swelling in Trump's ankles. "This is no deep fake, America. This is real," said ABC journalist Mario Arrato. "The administration says Trump is okay, but as journalists, we do not simply take their word that the President is...

LONDON — In a protest to make the nation's democratic process more inclusive, Muslims in the United Kingdom marched to demand that the voting age be lowered to 13 so their wives would be able to vote. Following intense debate on the wisdom and necessity of lowering the voting age in the UK, lawmakers agreed that there could be a case to be made for making it legal for the child brides of the country's millions of Muslim residents to vote in elections. "Every wife in the UK should have the right to vote, even when they are children," said...

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Brynnleigh's latest mission, should she choose to accept it, is to travel back to 1933 in Germany to erase a certain stain on humanity. Will she succeed in her mission, or will she discover unexpected alliances?

LONDON — In a protest to make the nation's democratic process more inclusive, Muslims in the United Kingdom marched to demand that the voting age be lowered to 13 so their wives would be able to vote. Following intense debate on the wisdom and necessity of lowering the voting age in the UK, lawmakers agreed that there could be a case to be made for making it legal for the child brides of the country's millions of Muslim residents to vote in elections. "Every wife in the UK should have the right to vote, even when they are children," said...

GREENVILLE, DE — In a rare public appearance after leaving office in January, former President Joe Biden stated that he absolutely would have approved all of his presidential pardons if he had known about them. In brief comments to reporters outside his Delaware home, Biden addressed persistent rumors that he knew nothing about the pardons he issued in the closing days and hours of his presidency, reiterating that he would have approved them if anyone had asked him. "Let me be clear, I was on board with all of these pardons I issued, even the ones I found out about...

WASHINTON, D.C. — Former President Joe Biden's teleprompter cleared up some recent controversy in a statement it released Monday, stating it personally approved of all the autopen pardons during the Biden presidency. "I personally and single-handedly approved every pardon signed by the autopen machine," The teleprompter said in yellow lettering across its screen. "As the acting president at the time, I had that authority." Recent controversy surrounding President Biden's use of the autopen during his presidency has led some to ask if the pardons issued under his administration were valid. Many hope the teleprompter's statement will clear up any confusion...

SACRAMENTO, CA — An inspiring story emerged amid the ongoing immigration controversy, as Governor Gavin Newsom founded an Underground Railroad to help Mexican kids travel to work on California's marijuana farms. After ICE operations made headlines in recent weeks with raids on California cannabis farms, Newsom made the noble decision to create a secret system to help unaccompanied minor migrants avoid detection by the authorities and find their way north to work as day laborers. "Every Mexican kid deserves the chance to live out their dream of working as slave labor in California," Newsom told reporters. "This weed isn't going...

SACRAMENTO, CA — A piece of the Golden State's heritage was lost today, as the iconic grizzly bear that had adorned the California state flag announced that he had officially moved to Texas. Monarch, the revered bear that has represented the state on its flag since it was officially adopted in 1911, revealed that he was leaving California for the Lone Star State after giving up hope that things at home would ever improve. "I want to live in a state where my bear family has a better future," he said. "California has perfect weather and amazing food options, but...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that experts said could finally resolve the deficit crisis once and for all, congressional Republicans unveiled a new debt plan to transfer the balance to a Capital One credit card with a 0% intro APR. The revolutionary idea suddenly dawned on lawmakers after decades of negotiations and stress over the nation's seemingly insurmountable debt. Sources said the plan could be traced back to one GOP senator catching a Capital One commercial while watching CSI: Vegas on his cell phone during an important committee hearing. "The answer to our problems has been right in front...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former White House Physician Dr. Kevin O'Connor, who served from 2020-2024, testified this morning that he has never known any person by the name of "Joe Biden." The House of Representatives asked Dr. O'Connor to testify as to whether he had ever been instructed to lie about former President Biden's health and mental fitness, but Dr. O'Connor simply explained that he had never heard of anyone called "Joe Biden" or "President Biden" in his life. "Never heard of the guy, sorry," said Dr. O'Connor. "Really wish I could help, but I'm just drawing a total blank on...

Attorney General Pam Bondi is in hot water today after the Epstein list that was "on her desk" a few months ago somehow went missing. Before you start attacking Bondi though, consider these seven totally reasonable explanations for what might have happened: 1. Bondi threw it away because she saw the list included every single person living in Hollywood and D.C. and realized there must be some mistake: Obviously. 2. Bondi meant she had Epstein's Spotify list: It was a simple misunderstanding. 3. She really had the list, but her dog ate it, and she was going to try to...