Free Republic

While babies are undeniably cute, they aren't too bright. Yet, despite being unable to talk or poo on a potty, babies are still significantly smarter than today's liberals. Here are ten ways babies are outpacing the libs: They instinctively know only mommy has breasts: First point goes to the babies. They firmly refused to wear government-mandated face masks: Babies follow the science. Babies know that a grown man falling up the stairs of Air Force One is really funny and want to see it again and again: Adorable and smart. They do not eat kale: Only dumb libs eat...

https://babylonbee.com/news/announcement-the-bee-is-excited-to-unveil-our-new-logo U.S. — Times change, and we must change with them. That was the philosophy that prompted us to update our company logo to remove anything that could be construed as appealing or exciting. As everyone knows, bees are notoriously racist and non-inclusive insects, which presented a problematic branding situation. This made it necessary to create a new, fresh logo that would convey just the right amount of blandness and banality to help the company remain competitive in today's marketplace. "It was time for a change," said CEO Seth Dillon in a press release announcing the new logo. "While we...

Beleagured cable news channel MSNBC has rebranded itself as MS NOW, but that wasn't the only new name considered. The executives at the network reportedly settled on the new name after whittling down a list of suggestions. The Babylon Bee has obtained the following exclusive list of other names considered for the rebrand: MSTrumpIsBadNBC: Including the channel's core message right in the name was a bold idea. CNN+ 2: It was eventually decided that following in the footsteps of the original CNN+ was not a path to success. Rachel Maddow's Gigante Variety Hour: An idea combining news and opinions...

FRISCO, TX — After witnessing the debut of the Minnesota Vikings' new male cheerleaders, the Dallas Cowboys expressed relief that they would no longer be known as the gayest team in the National Football League. Long regarded as by far the most super-gay NFL franchise, Cowboys executives privately admitted that they were glad to have that crown taken from them by the now vastly more gay Minnesota Vikings. "We now look entirely heterosexual by comparison," said Cowboys owner, president, and general manager Jerry Jones. "I've been trying for years to find a way to get rid of the ‘gayest...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy arrived at the White House today wearing a novelty bikini t-shirt which some are calling inappropriate. This was the first time Zelenskyy had been a guest at the White House since February, when he angered some officials by refusing to dress up for the occasion. But that all changed today when Zelenskyy wore his favorite novelty shirt. "Look at me, I'm a bikini model," Zelenskyy said as he greeted President Trump. "I am the sexy womans for you. You like? I don't evens exercise." According to sources, President Trump was not happy with...

ANCHORAGE, AK — Peace negotiations to end the war in Ukraine were reportedly off to a bad start after President Donald Trump accidentally ripped Russian President Vladimir Putin's arm off with a super macho handshake. "Oh, wow! I'm so strong. I tried to tell you, Vlad. I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen," witnesses heard Trump say. "My hands are just so large and manly. Not like other hands. Not that you have to worry about them anymore. To tell you the truth, I did you a favor." According to witnesses, the incident occurred as Trump came out...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An unidentified man at a local Subway location was seen asking the Sandwich Artist on duty if they had a sandwich that has good stopping power that's also compact and easy to conceal. The customer arrived at the restaurant and reportedly asked the worker behind the counter if she had anything that would be effective for home defense. "I'm looking for something lightweight and easy to conceal that I can still pull out in a pinch to stop a threat," the man reportedly said. "Something manageable that won't kick too hard but has sufficient stopping power." "No...

In addition to ordering a comprehensive review of the Smithsonian museums to root out "wokeness," President Donald Trump has reportedly provided the institutions with a list of new items to display instead. The Babylon Bee has obtained an exclusive copy of the list of artifacts Trump wants preserved and displayed for their historical significance: The gold Trump statue from CPAC 2021: Every bit as culturally significant as a giant Olmec head. A rare laserdisc copy of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York: Featuring an extended, director's cut version of Trump's cameo. A display of the Obama years titled...

https://babylonbee.com/news/10-telltale-signs-of-dangerous-authoritarianismIn case you haven't already heard, you're living in an oppressive, authoritarian dictatorship now. Don't believe it? It's easy to see once you know what to look for.The Babylon Bee has come up with the following list of telltale signs of dangerous authoritarianism:Someone you don't like won an election because more people voted for him: This should never be allowed to happen in a democracy.People walking around smiling and enjoying their lives: Those poor, uninformed victims of oppression.A TV show that lost $40 million a year got canceled: What are late-night talk shows supposed to do now? Be funny?Literal concentration...

SACRAMENTO, CA — In his ongoing public sparring with the administration over its agenda, Governor Gavin Newsom vowed to double California's violent crime rate if President Donald Trump refused to stop cleaning up Washington, D.C. Acting as a constant and vocal opponent to Trump's policies, Newsom took things up a notch this week by promising to offset any progress Trump might make in his attempt to crack down on crime in the nation's capital by promoting even more violent crime in the Golden State. "If Trump insists on lowering crime in D.C., then we're going to commit crimes even harder...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A press conference to update the media on the department's ongoing efforts to rein in crime following President Donald Trump's threat to federalize the city was briefly interrupted today by a loud noise, leading DC Police Chief Pamela Smith to ask journalists what was causing it. The incident occurred as Smith was briefing reporters on her department's task of cleaning up the city's streets amid an increase in violent crime, with a loud wailing sound that seemed to emanate from several passing vehicles, much to the consternation of the police chief. "What is that black and white...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The bloody years-long conflict between Ukraine and Russia was finally brought to an end this week, as President Donald Trump successfully negotiated a ceasefire between the countries by agreeing to give Vladimir Putin California. The deal was struck after several months of stop-and-start negotiations between the two sides mediated by Trump, with Russia finally agreeing to bring the hostilities to an end after being gifted the entire state of California as a substitute for the territory it coveted from Ukraine. "It's a great deal for every party involved," Trump told reporters when announcing the agreement. "I told...

Despite claims by President Donald Trump that American cities are being overrun by criminals, Democrat mayors across the country reported that violent crime was actually down 40% since they redefined the words "violent" and "crime." Trump vowed to clean up America's streets, starting with ordering the National Guard into action to bolster law enforcement efforts in Washington, D.C., eliciting an outcry from mayors who pointed to a sharp drop in crimes now that the definition of crime had been completely changed. "There's actually almost no crime when you look at it a certain way," said D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser. "Ever...

U.S. — Despite claims by President Donald Trump that American cities are being overrun by criminals, Democrat mayors across the country reported that violent crime was actually down 40% since they redefined the words "violent" and "crime". Trump vowed to clean up America's streets, starting with ordering the National Guard into action to bolster law enforcement efforts in Washington, D.C., eliciting an outcry from mayors who pointed to a sharp drop in crimes now that the definition of crime had been completely changed. "There's actually almost no crime when you look at it a certain way," said D.C. Mayor Muriel...

Democrats in Washington, D.C., have once again shown their true colors by launching an angry demonstration to oppose President Donald Trump’s efforts to reduce crime in the nation's capital. Instead of supporting policies that make neighborhoods safer for hardworking families, left-wing activists and politicians chose to rally against common-sense law enforcement measures that keep their own communities safe. On Monday, following President Trump’s announcement that he would federalize the D.C. Metropolitan Police and National Guard to bolster security in the city, Democrats held a protest condemning the move, accusing the president of attempting to incite violence. "The president is trying...

https://babylonbee.com/news/dc-mayor-warns-trumps-crime-fighting-measures-will-unfairly-impact-criminalsWASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the announcement that the president had ordered the federalization of law enforcement in the nation's capital, Washington, D.C., Mayor Muriel Bowser warned that Trump's crime-fighting measures would unfairly impact criminals. President Trump ordered the National Guard into action to begin patrolling the streets of the District of Columbia following ongoing incidents of violent crime, causing the capital's mayor to sound the alarm that lawbreakers would disproportionately bear the brunt of the initiative. "Why should fighting crime focus so much on criminals?" Bowser asked during a press conference. "It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that...

Meet Chuck. Chuck is an actual, card-carrying Nazi. But now that everyone is a Nazi, he struggles to stand out in the world. Sad!

The Associated Press just made it clear where it stands on the terrorists’ war on Israel: With the terrorists. How else to read its bizarre puff piece Wednesday sympathizing with the poor, suffering Hezbollah goons injured in Israel’s pager attack last year? The Babylon Bee couldn’t have come up with a better parody than the 2,100-word feature, “Survivors of Israel’s pager attack on Hezbollah struggle to recover” — though that’s not how AP’s Bassem Mroue and Sarah El Deeb meant it. The two recount their interviews with six people wounded in the attack, all “Hezbollah officials or fighters or members...

https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-warn-new-trump-census-could-negate-all-the-illegal-alien-votes-biden-brought-inWASHINGTON, D.C. — After President Donald Trump ordered census takers to only include U.S. citizens in their counts, Democrats warned the country that the new rule could negate all the illegal alien votes Joe Biden worked so hard to bring in. After news broke of Trump's changes to the census process, top Democrats took to the airwaves to let the American people know that such a drastic shift in procedure could potentially trample the voting rights of the millions of illegals imported under the Biden administration. "This could lead to only U.S. citizens voting in U.S. elections," said House Minority...

https://babylonbee.com/news/gina-carano-settles-with-disney-will-replace-pedro-pascal-in-all-movies BURBANK, CA — In the conclusion to a years-long legal battle, actress and former MMA fighter Gina Carano announced that she had reached an agreement to settle with Disney and would subsequently replace Pedro Pascal in all movies. Carano had taken legal action against Disney following her 2022 firing from the Star Wars series The Mandalorian, with the studio eventually offering her a settlement that included having her replace Pascal, who had been signed to appear in every single movie for the next several years. "This is a resounding win for Gina, since she will now be cast in...