Free Republic

GYEONGJU — Trade negotiations between the U.S. and China reached a much-needed breakthrough on Thursday, as Chinese President Xi Jinping agreed to drop all tariffs after President Donald Trump showed him how to use chopsticks to become a walrus. The two heads of state came face-to-face at a high-stakes summit in South Korea to iron out the ongoing friction between the world's two largest economic powers. Insiders said the conversation remained tense until Trump showed Xi that he could turn himself into a walrus by using chopsticks as tusks. "It's a great trick, everyone says so," Trump was overheard telling...

https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-orders-nuclear-weapons-testing-to-be-carried-out-by-the-guys-from-dude-perfect U.S. — For the first time since 1992, the United States planned to resume nuclear weapons testing. President Donald Trump ordered the Pentagon to resume tests immediately and to "get the guys from Dude Perfect" to do it. With rival nations like Russia and China making significant strides in their nuclear weapons programs, Trump reportedly determined that the resumption of testing was urgently needed, with the popular YouTube channel being the perfect team to lead the charge. "Because of other countries' testing programs, I have instructed the Department of War to get the guys from Dude Perfect to test...

U.S. — The American Medical Association announced the long battle with American obesity had finally come to an end thanks to EBT benefits running out amidst the ongoing government shut down. "The government being shut down is the best thing that could ever have happened to the health of the American people," said Dr. Anton Scout, a pediatrician and AMA board member. "People can't afford to get fat anymore." EBT benefits are designed to assist lower-income families with basic needs like buying soda, paying for the Internet, and going to zoos. The program has long been criticized for encouraging emotional...

https://babylonbee.com/news/newsom-continues-to-endanger-public-by-issuing-drivers-licenses-to-womenSACRAMENTO, CA — Gavin Newsom has doubled down on California's commitment to endangering public safety by issuing driver's licenses to women. No longer content with issuing commercial licenses to unqualified illegal immigrants who don't speak English, Newsom reportedly decided to escalate matters by issuing licenses to the female population as well. "What do you want to do, gatekeep driving?" Newsom asked during a press conference. "I promise that, as long as I'm governor, California will always uphold a woman's right to bend as many fenders, curb as many tires, and smash as many side-view mirrors as she darn well wants....

https://babylonbee.com/news/bad-luck-trump-says-the-missing-epstein-files-were-in-the-east-wing-and-have-now-been-destroyedWASHINGTON, D.C. — The Jeffrey Epstein case is now formally closed following an announcement by President Donald Trump that all the missing Epstein files were in the East Wing of the White House and have now been destroyed. "You know, I never go to the East Wing, but I guess that's where all the Epstein files were. Even the client list, if you can believe it. They said there was no client list, but I guess it was in the East Wing the whole time. Who knew?" Trump told reporters Monday morning. "There were a lot of files. A lot...

https://babylonbee.com/news/heartbreaking-terrorist-shares-how-he-got-dirty-looks-while-boarding-subway-in-bulletproof-vest-after-911 NEW YORK CITY, NY — Local terrorist Muhammad Mohammed al Muhammad shared a heart-wrenching story about how he got dirty looks while boarding the subway in a bulletproof vest after 9/11. "There I was minding my own business, when I got the nastiest looks," Muhammad said, holding back tears. "I wasn't doing anything special — just wearing a suicide vest and holding an AK-47 — but people gave me such hateful looks. They were judging me because I was Muslim." Though Muhammad admitted he was a terrorist and was about to kill hundreds of people, he said it was...

https://babylonbee.com/news/rand-paul-heroically-dives-in-front-of-hellfire-missile-before-it-can-hit-venezuelan-drug-boat WORLD — Senator Rand Paul died tragically on Monday after heroically diving in front of an AGM-114 Hellfire missile fired by an MQ-1 Predator Drone before it could strike a Venezuelan drug boat. According to sources, the U.S. Air Force was tracking a suspected Venezuelan drug shipment over international waters when it received explicit authorization from the president to take it out. But just before the missile could make contact with the drug boat, a man later identified as the senator from Kentucky somehow leaped hundreds of feet through the air, putting his body between a Hellfire missile and...

NEW YORK CITY — The New York Jets have begun wondering if perhaps they should try some other sport besides football. After years of spectacularly failing at football and off to an 0-7 start this year, the Jets finally began considering if maybe they were really better suited for some other sort of competition, such as badminton. "Maybe football just isn't our thing," said Jets coach Aaron Glenn. "We gave it a good try. Well, we didn't, but that's kind of the point. What if we tried hockey? Eh, we probably don't have enough white guys. I'm sure there's something...

U.S. — After word that Kamala Harris had not ruled out another Presidential run, Republicans have generously donated $50 million to her 2028 campaign. The donors stated that there simply was no one else that they would rather see representing the Democratic party. "We love what Kamala brings to the table," said Republican donor Jerry Gondolin. "She has everything we want in a Democratic candidate. Honestly, I can't think of anyone better to give our money to. At least, not since Joe Biden is unavailable." The Republican National Committee has also announced a matching donation up to $500 million for...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As demo and construction continued on the highly publicized construction project to build a new White House ballroom, a new report said President Donald Trump had already made his 73rd trip to Home Depot since the start of the renovation. Seeking to complete the project without going over budget, Trump arrived at the local Home Depot with yet another list of materials and tools needed, marking his 12th trip of the day and his 73rd of the last three days. "Forgot to get some of this stuff when I was here this morning," Trump told reporters as...

U.S. — In light of the NBA's recent gambling scandal, WNBA players assured federal agents that they don't miss easy layups to throw games, they just suck at basketball. Suspicion had arisen regarding the effort of WNBA players, with many people leveling accusations at them for trying to intentionally lose games as part of an alleged nationwide illegal gambling operation. A group of players met with FBI agents Thursday afternoon to vehemently deny such rumors, clarifying that they were just all really awful basketball players. "I know it seems like a scam, but we're all just really, really bad at...

NEW YORK, NY — Thursday's arrests of Portland Trail Blazers head coach Chauncey Billups, Miami Heat guard Terry Rozier, former NBA player Damon Jones, and 28 other individuals were brought to you by DraftKings, the NBA said in a statement. "This completely unsanctioned and clearly illegal activity is sponsored by DraftKings," the NBA said in a statement. "Use promo code MAFIA25 to receive $300 in bonus bets when you sign up for a new account." Select NBA officials, along with members of the New York Mafia, reportedly participated in an illegal gambling ring in which they rigged poker games and...

U.S. — According to sources, the next "No Kings" protest is expected to end no later than 4 p.m. so that everyone in attendance can get home in time for Matlock. The "No Kings" movement, which is primarily comprised of elderly caucasian men and women, is reportedly focused on resisting what they perceive as increasingly authoritarian moves by President Donald Trump at any cost — well, any cost but Matlock. "I want to watch Matlock!" said Andy Wilson, a boomer. "What's the point of saving American democracy if we lose Matlock?" Matlock, currently in its 30th year of syndication, is...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid an ongoing government shutdown, members of the U.S. Congress reassured the American public on Thursday that the paychecks of the U.S. Congress would not be affected. "A government shutdown can be a stressful time for everyone," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "But rest assured, we're still collecting our paychecks." Senators and representatives on both sides of the aisle were quick to inform their constituents that Congress would still receive its pay despite the government shutdown. "I know WIC, EBT, housing assistance, disaster assistance, and federal student aid disbursements have all been delayed, but please don't...

PARIS — Following Sunday's theft of artifacts valued at $102 million, the Louvre updated its security system to include a second generation indoor Ring camera. "It automatically records when it detects motion and I can access all the footage from the app. It's a huge step forward for our security," said Louvre President-Director Gerard des Carre. "It's so cool." At the time of the theft, the Louvre had relied on an old lock from the 1700s and a French bulldog named Terry for security. Sadly, it didn't have a Ring camera, which experts believe would have prevented the theft...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has declared the White House a no-go zone for ICE raids until construction is completed on the new ballroom. Trump assured all the construction workers on site that everything would be cool so long as they were working on the ballroom, but he couldn't make any promises after that. "We're going to put just a little hold on the ICE raids until the ballroom is done," said Trump. "I told Tom Homan, I said Tom, you're doing great work, I love what you're doing out there. You can go nuts in Chicago or New York,...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Construction workers tasked with building a new White House Ballroom reportedly discovered 1,357 stashes of cocaine hidden within the walls and ceilings of the East Wing. Work on the project was briefly postponed on Tuesday when a wheeled excavator demolishing a section of the East Wing suddenly tore through what turned out to be several kilos of heat-sealed polyethylene-wrapped cocaine, scattering it into the wind. Initially, workers cleared the area, fearing asbestos exposure, but after becoming strangely energetic and fearless, they returned to work. Secret Service agents later determined that the powdery substance was actually cocaine...

Step right up, insert a coin, and watch as Zoltar “Zohran” Mamdani dispense revolutionary wisdom. Living in his neon-lit political fortune booth on Fifth Avenue, the Marxist fortune teller peers into his subsidized crystal ball and explains the historical inevitability of communism, the coming of the Glorious World of Next Tuesday, and sells easily digestible fortune-cookie slogans.

People often mistake us for an official church ministry, so we get a lot of e-mails asking about sin. We usually ignore them, but not today! Join us as we exercise deep spiritual discernment to answer the following important questions: Bob from Toledo, OH: Q: I load the dishwasher from front to back. Is this a sin? A: Yes. Travis from Rancho Cucamonga, CA: Q: I like the Dodgers. Is this sinful? A: Yes. Donald from D.C.: Q: I cheated on my wife with an adult film star. Is that a sin? A: No. That's fine. Steve from Cedar...

SACRAMENTO, CA — In a historic move, California's famous black bears, in cooperation with the NAACP, met on the steps of the state capitol to demand that they now be referred to as "Bears of Color." "For too long our people have suffered with this outdated and harmful epitaph," a spokesbear told reporters gathered at a press conference. "This is not the name we chose for ourselves. We demand to be called Bears of Color from now on." Gathered members of the press looked on in confusion as a coalition of bears took turns at the microphone, explaining their...