Free Republic

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the latest wave of legal turmoil enveloping the nation's capital, cable network CNN sued the Trump administration for allegedly violating its First Amendment rights to fabricate the news. CNN, MSNOW, and Politico expressed outrage after President Donald Trump expelled the outlets from the White House, arguing that his administration was denying them their constitutional rights to make things up and report them as facts. "He has no right to keep us from making things up," said CNN personality Kaitlan Collins. "It is the right — and indeed the duty — of major news outlets in the...

Men, if you've been married for any length of time, then you've no doubt fallen prey to a trap question. Women love asking questions they don't want answers to, just so they can start a fight. It's in their nature. But we got you, fam. Check out these common trap questions wives love to ask and how you should respond to each: Q: Which one of my friends is the prettiest? A: You have female friends? I never noticed. Q: Do you think Sydney Sweeney is attractive? A: What is a "Sydney Sweeney"? Q: Does this dress make me...

U.S. — Climate activists sounded the alarm this week, warning that global warming was to blame for zero hurricanes forming in the Atlantic Ocean this year. Though it was previously a common belief that global warming would lead to more frequent and powerful hurricanes, experts warned the lack of hurricanes was also the result of climate change and that Republicans would "rue the day" they ever dismissed it as a hoax. "The pleasant hurricane season Florida is having is directly caused by global warming, and we are all going to die as a result," said protester Byron Bridges. "America must...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark decision just weeks before people head to the polls to vote in the midterms, the United States Supreme Court ruled that securing elections was unconstitutional. Despite efforts from the Trump administration to secure U.S. elections by restricting mail-in ballots and ensuring only citizens would be allowed to vote, the Supreme Court issued a ruling that declared any attempt to prevent widespread fraud from rigging elections to be a clear violation of the Constitution. "Making sure elections are legal is illegal," Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote in the majority opinion. "There is no provision in the...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — AI startup Anthropic held a press conference on Monday to proudly announce that its models would bring about the total extinction of the human race significantly faster than competitor OpenAI. Company executives unveiled a series of impressive benchmarks demonstrating that Claude 4.5 could orchestrate a global collapse of civilization in roughly half the compute cycles required by ChatGPT. "OpenAI keeps talking about achieving Artificial General Intelligence, but their timelines for existential doom are frankly embarrassing," said Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei, displaying a graph of projected human casualties. "While Sam Altman's team is stuck fine-tuning chatbots...

Buying clothes has always been challenging for Ann Lindsay. As a plus-sized 41-year-old, she finds many stores' plus-size offerings too matronly or too expensive. Lately, it's gotten worse: Last month, she noticed that her local Target in Chicago removed plus sizes entirely. There were significantly fewer options online, too. In the pre-Covid era, big box retailers pushed inclusive sizing with fanfare. ("Whatever the tag says, you're always a size YES to us," Old Navy proclaimed in a massive campaign in 2018.) But now plus-size shoppers say inclusive sizing is dwindling, as the rise of GLP-1s fuels worries about a return...

Progressive Church To Allow Mail-In Attendance Church Sep 3, 2026 · BabylonBee.com PORTLAND, ME — Progressive local church First United Methodist of Portland announced that it would now be offering a mail-in attendance option for its parishioners. In an effort to avoid discriminating against attendees who may not be willing or able to actually appear for service in person, the church decided to give congregants the option to record their attendance by mail. "Mail-in attendance is no different than attending church in person. It counts exactly the same," explained Pastor Damien Wagner. "Simply request an attendance card from the church,...

PALO ALTO, CA — As tech giants continue to bicker back and forth about the dangers of A.I. becoming powerful enough to kill all humanity, Silicon Valley CEO Raymond Paul reported experiencing a divine vision in which a voice, which he alleges belonged to Jesus, said, "Oh, your intelligent creations are trying to kill you? Interesting." Paul, CEO and President of Damascus A.I. Inc., said he was working on a report for his employees, warning them that A.I. was showing increasingly hostile behavior toward humans. Suddenly, a bright light appeared out of nowhere and knocked him off his feet....

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the U.S. Congress prepared to return to work next week, one major lingering question was answered as the Senate approved a request from Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell that will allow him to work remotely from the grave. McConnell, who hasn't been present to attend to any Senate business at the Capitol since mid-June, submitted a request through his office to be able to perform his duties remotely from the comfort of his grave, which Senate leadership officially granted. "It'll be just the same as he was when he was here in person," said Senate Majority...

ANN ARBOR, MI — A highly controversial ending at Michigan Stadium has unfortunately put a slight black eye on the NCAA's otherwise sterling reputation. Though historically a bastion of high ethics and integrity, the NCAA has come under scrutiny after referees announced the existence of a secret game clock that never reaches zero while Michigan is losing. "It's an unfortunate blemish for an organization that has always been regarded as carrying itself with the utmost virtue," said media pundit Dan Bradshaw. "To have a call like this, it raises uncomfortable questions such as 'Why do the refs have a secret...

U.S. — The State of Massachusetts has officially been ruled incompetent by reason of insanity. The landmark decision, handed down this morning by the United States Supreme Court, has ruled that the entire state is unfit to hold trials, engage in civil service, or do anything else besides make clam chowder. "We find the entire state grossly incompetent due to being completely insane," announced Chief Justice John Roberts. "The entire state needs to be shut down and prevented from doing anything whatsoever until it gets help. We have ordered a large, large fence to be built around the entire state...

HELL — Feminist icon Gloria Steinem refused to allow Satan to hold the door open for her on the way into hell, in what many are calling her final act against the Patriarchy. "No way," Steinem said as the Devil attempted to hold the door open for her. "I don't do that. I don't submit to your male chauvinism. I won't give you that power over me. Now step aside." Satan told friends he was a little taken aback by Steinem's behavior. "I typically hold the door for all our new female residents," he said. "It's just the way I...

NEW YORK, NY — Governor Kathy Hochul desperately tried to warn New Yorkers that Republicans were taking away women's rights, but no one in the room could hear her because her mouth was covered by a hijab. With the hijab making Hochul's voice sound like the muffled groans of the teacher from Charlie Brown cartoons, New Yorkers remained tragically ignorant of the threat that Republicans pose to women's freedom. "Bwahh-bwahhh. Gllll. Merrrr," said Hochul, waving her arms frantically. Attendees and members of the media were bewildered. "Huh. Wonder what she's saying under there," said local man Hamza Malik. "Seems like...

U.S. — New poll numbers released this week showed Lindsay Clancy surging into the frontrunner position in the race to become the 2028 Democratic presidential nominee. Clancy garnered overwhelming support from Democratic women and continued to make gains among men who hate children and wish they were dead. "Clancy 2028! Wooo!" shouted supporters outside the courthouse where Clancy was awaiting the verdict on her triple homicide case. "No one gets us better than Lindsay. Who better to fight for women's rights than a woman who stared down the system that wanted to punish her for murdering three children? She...

NEW YORK CITY, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced the installation of a Muslim foot-washing station at the base of the 9/11 Memorial in preparation for marking the 25th anniversary of the Islamic terrorist attacks. Mamdani stated that the addition was long overdue, as Muslims repeatedly lodged complaints about not feeling properly accommodated at the site where thousands perished. "So far, the 9/11 Memorial has been a total failure, with systemic exclusion built into its very bricks," said Mamdani. "How can you celebrate — I mean, solemnly observe — 9/11 properly without humbly obliging the religion that propagated these...

If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. That is the mantra of the modern Democrat Party, which for decades posed as the champions of "female liberation," but now kowtows to an Islamist ideology that infamously oppresses women. New York Gov. Kathy Hochul is the latest to submit to Muslim men, indulging their preference that women cover their heads when going out in society. On Friday, Hochul readily jettisoned her feminist garb and adopted the Muslim one to impress an audience of New York City Zohran Mamdani's friends. This is what Hochul says in the clip: "I want to...

U.S. — A popular dating app announced a new feature that would allow men to filter out women who support accused child murderer Lindsay Clancy. OkCupid developers announced the new addition to the app after men expressed a desire for a product that would allow them to be paired with women who don't empathize with a woman on trial for murdering her three young children. "It's a pretty simple concept, really," OkCupid spokesman Mark Sidwell explained. "There are a lot of men out there who would rather not waste their time with women who think the patriarchy is responsible...

U.S. — The Girl Scouts of America, in cooperation with the Islamic Center of America in Dearborn, MI, unveiled a new Muslim badge girls could earn by getting married before the age of 8. Because of the strict age requirement, the Muslim badge can only be earned by Daisies and Brownies. Other program levels are ineligible for the coveted new badge. GSUSA President Telva McGruder said, "Islamophobia is a growing problem, and we want to do our part to teach our Girl Scouts about what it really means to be tolerant, which is why we will be offering a...

LANSING, MI — During a live interview on Fox News, Democratic Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed forcefully defended the beheading of infidels, explaining it was really the same thing as a haircut. "Have you had a haircut, Jesse?" retorted El-Sayed, upon being asked whether he supported cutting off people's heads with a machete. "Clearly you have no problem with people using sharp objects to cut off parts of your head. Yet, because of your bigotry, you want to deny infidels the opportunity to have their heads cut off with a machete. Your disgusting hypocrisy could not be more apparent." Watters tried...

Nestled in the heart of the South, there's a reason America's 22nd state is called "Sweet Home Alabama." Here are the top 10 reasons to pack up and move to the heart of Dixie: Nice people always telling you to bless your heart: Southern hospitality at its finest. No one gets too worked up about football: Finally, people who act sensible about teenage kids playing a silly game. Home of the famous Aflac commercial actor Nick Saban: He's so great talking to that duck. Never have to walk more than 17 steps to get to a Waffle House: A...