Free Republic

MAR-A-LAGO — Anonymous sources are alleging that among the documents confiscated from Trump's residence were the top secret plans to the White House. These plans are said to reveal the building's only weakness: a thermal exhaust port only 2 meters wide."It's impossible to overstate just how close we came to losing our fully armed and operational Washington D.C.," said FBI Director Wray. "A direct hit from an AR-15 on the thermal exhaust port on the southeast corner of the White House roof would set off a chain reaction that would destroy the entire District of Columbia."

Women are such unbelievably mysterious creatures, trying to figure out when one is mad at you can be, well, maddening! To help, we at the Babylon Bee have collected these very subtle clues to help men know when trouble is afoot. - She says, "Hey, I'm mad at you right now" - If you listen carefully, you can pick up on this vague hint. - Above your house is a skywriter currently forming the words "I'm mad at you" - Keep a keen eye out for this understated red flag. - A toaster is currently hurtling towards your head -...

BOSTON, MA — In light of so-called "gender affirming care" making the Hippocratic Oath silly and outdated, Harvard Medical School has officially adopted the new oath "Mutilate Kids For Money." While genital mutilation of small children was once frowned upon as barbaric and sadistic, Harvard Medical School has resumed the practice after realizing they can make a truckload of cash. "Sure, I had my doubts about performing invasive surgery on a completely healthy young girl that would render her infertile and permanently scarred," said obstetrician Dr. Francis Grimstad. "But then, I realized that I could make a lot of cash....

KABUL — Thousands of American citizens still stranded in Afghanistan one year after the Biden Administration's overnight retreat are beginning to suspect the President may not be coming back for them, sources say. "We've waited patiently outside Kabul International Airport for a year now, but you know what? I'm starting to think President Biden isn't going to come for us!" said one citizen who asked for his name to be withheld for his own protection. "I really hate to say it, but it almost seems like he doesn't even care! Am I a terrible person for thinking that?" Representatives for...

BANGOR, ME — Stephen King fans have long been perplexed as to how the man who wrote The Shining, the Dark Tower series, and Misery could possibly be the same guy who logs onto Twitter and tweets like a 7-year-old chimpanzee with anger issues. Well, you can consider this mystery solved: the King estate confirmed today that the famed author actually died when he got hit by that van back in 1999, and they've just been releasing manuscripts they found stuffed in his dresser drawer since then. But what about the insane rants posted on his Twitter account? Enter this...

BABYLON BEE HEADQUARTERS — We here at the Babylon Bee have been deeply saddened over the past days to see such mean-spirited criticism of our favorite institution of American government, the dearly beloved Federal Bureau of Investigation. While seeing agents storm the home of President Trump may give some cause for concern, we feel that the FBI has earned our trust. When they gave up figuring out a motive for the Vegas shooter, the FBI was honest about it. When they were too busy to help gymnasts being sexually assaulted, they were honest about it and hung up the phone....

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With many Americans up in arms over the unprecedented raid of former President Trump's residence in Mar-a-Lago by the FBI, Attorney General Garland released a statement to assure everyone the raid was completely justified. Eyewitnesses noted he looked unusually fetching in an elegant Dolce & Gabbana evening gown and a Dior sun hat. "We wouldn't raid Trump's Mar-a-Lago estate or Melania's wardrobe unless it was absolutely, 100% necessary," said Garland. "I resent any accusation that this raid was influenced by partisan politics or my insatiable desire to wear pretty designer dresses." The Attorney General then did a...

SANTA MONICA, CA — Activision Blizzard introduced the world to its latest entry in the Call of Duty franchise, entitled Call of Duty: IRS Auditor. Developed by Treyarch Studios, IRS Auditor will take gamers on an epic adventure full of national warfare, political intrigue, and violent accounting. "This isn't your father's Call of Duty," said Activision Blizzard CEO Roberto Activision. "No one is safe from the will of the Internal Revenue Service. IRS Auditor will scare you to death with a single-player campaign that hits too close to home." "You can count on it!" he added, repeating the game's tagline....

SEATTLE, WA — A strong, independent woman accompanied a strong, independent woman to the restroom in a pub in downtown Seattle, according to sources. "Just because I want my bestie with me at all times doesn't mean I'm not independent!" said Kira Jules, a strong, independent woman standing next to her friend, also a strong, independent woman. The women said they have always been capable on their own as they stood in the hallway waiting for the restroom together. "I do everything on my own," said Kira's friend, Sasha Wallens, "Except when I'm out having fun, or at work, or...

PALM BEACH, FL — Federal agents left empty-handed following a raid on Trump's Mar-a-Lago estate. Sources say Trump cleverly hid his cache of classified documents in plain sight by labeling them "Epstein's Client List." "Hmm. Nothing to see here!" said Special Agent Cornelius Weatherdowel as he took note of the label on the suspicious-looking cache of files. "Almost thought these might be highly incriminating but I guess it's nothing!" "In fact, I don't see anything. What files?" Agents shouted that the room was clear and promptly evacuated the building.

PALM BEACH, FL — Amid mounting accusations of attempting to intimidate former President Trump from running for re-election in 2024, Attorney General Merrick Garland explained today that when the FBI was tipped off about a school board protest at Mar-A-Lago, they mobilized without delay to quell the rising threat of concerned parents. "When we received an anonymous tip that parents were assembling to criticize public school curriculum and policy, we sprung into action – we should have confirmed the veracity, but didn't want to risk any of these potential terrorists escaping." Garland spoke at a press conference today, adding "We...

Toxic masculinity has been under fire since third-wave feminism in the ‘90s, and for good reason – men have brought nothing but wickedness and dirty laundry into the world from the beginning. Want examples? Here are 9 horrible things brought to you by toxic masculinity: The wheel: It was just an excuse to frame women for running over curbs! Running water: Seems like a technological advance, but it's just another male ploy to keep women in the kitchen where they belong. Disgusting! Sports: NASCAR, WWE, MMA – the oppression runs so deep that even most women's sports are run by...

WEST PALM BEACH, FL — High-level Chinese asset and sex trafficker Hunter Biden breathed a sigh of relief this evening as an FBI raid team passed by his West Palm Beach vacation home to raid Donald Trump's residence in Mar-a-Lago. "Whew! Thought they had me for a minute there," Biden sighed, according to sources before going back to smoking crack with a hooker on a pile of cash freshly delivered by Chinese agents. "Glad to know the FBI is still working for my Dad!" The FBI arrived at Mar-a-Lago shortly after, but things got awkward after the FBI raid team...

PALM BEACH, FL—Sources close to Donald Trump reported him trudging from his home office and heading straight for the espresso machine for the fourth time in as many hours, as the bleary-eyed true president had stayed up all night on his newly-launched TRUTH social media platform to delete any post making fun of him. “Wrong! Deleted!” “I never said that! Deleted!” “Fake tan? More like fake news! Deleted!” Exclamations such as these reverberated through the spacious Florida mansion of the nation’s favorite president throughout the night, putting all residents on edge. Melania, affected by Trump’s all-nighter, was overheard screaming to...

MOSCOW — A daring attempt by a group of WNBA players to rescue Brittney Griner was foiled when the keys to her prison cell were found to be hanging from a hook ten feet off the ground. "Is this thing regulation?" said a frustrated Dearica Hamby as she jumped over and over in vain. "Ugh, it's so high! I knew we should have brought the mascot with his trampoline!" The players hatched the plan for a raid after learning of Griner's nine-year prison sentence. "It's absolutely asinine that Brittney should serve jail time for drug possession. I mean sure, we...

MOSCOW — WNBA star Brittney Griner has been found guilty of drug trafficking charges in Russia. The judge has sentenced Griner to 9 years in a Russian penal colony where she will never have to hear America's national anthem being played. "I'm thrilled with this ruling," said Griner to reporters. "For 9 years I will be free from the systemic racism of America and will never have to hear that awful national anthem being played. I look forward to living out the next decade far away in beautiful Russia."

Even the staunchest libertarians deserve love. So throw away the pot you only smoke out of principle and take a shower, you son of liberty! You're going to need to put a little effort into a girl if you ever find one. Here are some pickup lines to add to your repertoire: "I don't believe in big government, but it should be illegal to look that good." — Classic. "Are you made of gold? Cause you're the standard by which women should be measured." — Awwwww yeah! "Hello, I am wearing deodorant." — This will set you apart from the...

WILSON, WY — Former Vice President Dick Cheney, who famously started two wars in the Middle East and shot a dude in the face while hunting, now says Donald Trump is the greatest threat America has ever faced. "Donald Trump is an evil reprobate and a big meanie, and a danger to our Constitutional rights," growled the retired politician who orchestrated the brutal torture of hundreds of detainees who were held without trial. "We must make sure he never gets elected to office again. And also, vote for my daughter, Liz." Political consultants applauded Liz Cheney for her brilliant move...

There comes a time in every child's life when they begin to assert their autonomy and freedom from the shackles of their upbringing: classic teenage rebellion! But how does one rebel against a set of radical progressive parents for whom morality is relative and degeneracy is celebrated? Not easy! Here are 10 ways you teens can rebel against your progressive parents: 1. Be straight: Your progressive parents will be FURIOUS. Even more so if you're already white. 2. Clean your room: A sure sign you've been radicalized by the Neo-Nazi Jordan Peterson. 3. Hide your puberty blockers under your tongue...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented move to protect the safety and security of millions of Americans, the FBI has added itself to the FBI watchlist. "When we reflected on the vast number of pedophiles, insurrectionists, frauds, and killers in our organization, we thought: 'Holy cow! Someone needs to keep an eye on these weirdos!'" said FBI Director Christopher Wray to reporters. "That's why today we have decided to place the FBI on the FBI watchlist so the FBI can keep a close eye on the FBI before the FBI does something terrible." Congress is demanding oversight of the FBI's...