Free Republic

ATLANTA, GA—In an effort to help curb the spread of Coronavirus, Chick-fil-a has announced that it will temporarily be changing its advertising slogan from "Eat Mor Chikin" to "Eat Fewer Bats." The chicken sandwich chain will run public health ads and billboards with its iconic cow mascots reminding people to "eat fewer bats" and "have a delicious chicken sandwich instead." Chick-fil-A restaurants will also host "People Who Don't Eat Bats Appreciation Day," where people who come in and don't eat a bat get a free chicken sandwich. "We're just doing our little part to stop this kind of thing from...

BEIJING—President of the People’s Republic of China Xi Jinping made a surprise announcement to a few invited members of the press. “Everything is great here!” he said. “In fact... um... we’ve completely eradicated Coronavirus here -- cured it even. Yep, cured it. We found a cure. But it... um... only works on the Chinese so we can’t give it to you. Yeah, that’s the ticket. China-only cure; can’t share it. But, uh, everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?" During the press conference, a lot of commotion was heard outside,...

<p>WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time.</p> <p>But this shutdown mistakenly shut down the most non-essential entity of all: the government.</p>

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Earlier today, lawmakers had announced they had reached an agreement on a stimulus package, totalling approximately $88 bajillion dollars. (Many expressed concern that we would have to pay this back at some point, but congresspeople assured their constituents that it's just their kids and grandkids who will have to pay for our reckless spending.) But in a last-minute delay, Pelosi announced that she is out of souvenir pens to sign the bill and send it over to the president. "This is a somber emergency, of course, but it's important that I have a bunch of souvenirs to hand out...

CHINO, CA—Local man Barrett Hampton encountered a nasty 10-Matchbox-car pileup on his evening commute Monday. He was making good time from his makeshift upstairs office to the living room when he had to put on the brakes, spotting the brutal car crash just ahead.  "Honey, I'm gonna be late -- there's a huge accident up ahead," he said, phoning his wife, who was sitting on the couch ten feet away. "Oh, man, it looks bad. A Hummer is dangling off a cliff, there's a jackknifed trailer attached to a Jeep, and there's some kind of dune buggy flipped over. What's...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid political bickering over a potential economic relief package, Democrats warned Americans that the stimulus bill would stimulate the economy. "This stimulus bill might stimulate the economy -- which would hurt our chances to stop the bad orange man," said Senator Chuck Schumer. "We can't overstate how much damage this would do to our 2020 campaign. The last thing we need is a strong economy going into November." "This stimulus package is horrifying. It specifically includes funding to stimulate Trump's economy, and we can't have that." "We cannot pass it to find out what is in it -- then...

HEAVEN—The CDC now recommends for everyone to stay home and avoid going out as much as possible. Despite this, reports are that God is breaking quarantine and going absolutely everywhere. Hospitals, nursing homes, prisons -- wherever He is needed, God is going. He is reportedly visiting everyone and checking on everyone in this time of need and not using any amount of social distancing. God is said to be following the absolute best practices, though, and is at no risk of making people sick but only making people better. “We have absolutely no control over the guy,” said CDC spokesman...

U.S.—CNN's ratings have somehow tanked even worse than they previously had as Americans began to quarantine themselves and stopped taking commercial flights, emptying American airports and robbing the cable channel of its captive audience. While CNN is usually able to claim millions of captive viewers every day, their audience dropped to almost nothing overnight. With airports completely devoid of weary travelers with dead smartphones and nothing to look at but CNN, the core of the channel's audience has disappeared overnight. Screens at airports across the country continued to play CNN to empty airports, creating a spooky, dystopian atmosphere as hosts...

The nation's nerds woke up in a utopia this morning, one where everyone stays inside, sporting events are being canceled, and all social interaction is forbidden. All types of nerds, from social introverts to hardcore PC gamers, welcomed the dawn of this new era, privately from their own homes. "I have been waiting my whole life for this moment," said Ned Pendleton, 32 -- via text message, of course -- as he fired up League of Legends on his beefy gaming PC. "They told me to take up a sport and that the kids playing basketball and stuff were gonna...

U.S.—Parents across the nation have expressed their worry, fear, and shock at having to raise their own children now that government schools have temporarily shut down. Those who send their children to public schools registered their displeasure at the government for not doing its main job of indoctrinating their children, even temporarily. "Raise, educate, and parent my children?" said one exasperated mother as her teen sat at home, bored and with nothing to do. "But that's the government's job! What am I supposed to do? Teach them things? Instill them with my values? Train them up in the way that...

U.S.—Representative Ilhan Omar had endorsed Bernie Sanders for president, as they saw eye to eye on the best way to destroy the nation's economy and liberties.

CHAPPAQUA, NY—In a recent interview from her wine cellar this week, Hillary Clinton revealed some of her favorite methods for dealing with stress. "Being the president is an extremely stressful job," she told reporters. "Since I am the president, I have to deal with anxiety on a regular basis. One way to calm my nerves is with a good, old-fashioned assassination. Of course, I would never do such a thing, but If I did do something like, say, killing Jeffery Epstein, it would be a great way to cope with the demands of my very important job. Ok, I killed...

From his seaside mansion, former president Barack Obama announced today that he is formally passing ownership of the stock market and economy on to President Trump. "All the gains were mine -- Trump didn't build that -- but this crash is all on Trump," Obama said as he admired the ocean, which will consume his home in fewer than twelve years. "My responsibility for the great economic gains in this country ended the moment the stocks started to tank this morning." The former president said that he does reserve the right to reverse his stance and reclaim credit for any...

Home > Christian Living > Miracle: Coronavirus Passes Over Houses With Chick-Fil-A Sauce Smeared On ... Christian Living Miracle: Coronavirus Passes Over Houses With Chick-Fil-A Sauce Smeared On Door Posts March 5th, 2020 Shares SHARE U.S.—The CDC is suggesting lots of weird ways to avoid contracting coronavirus, such as "washing your hands" and "not licking doorknobs." These methods sound kind of sciencey, so we were immediately suspicious of them. Sure enough, it seems the best way to avoid getting infected is supernatural: many have found that if you paint Chick-fil-A sauce on your doorposts, the virus will pass right over...

NEW YORK, NY—Moments after Mike Bloomberg announced he was suspending his campaign, the Bloomberg campaign office was filled with inconsolable mourners, who were compensated handsomely. No, Mike, don't drop out -- please!" screamed one woman as she sobbed uncontrollably for the nice sum of $2,500. "We need you! America needs you! We love you, Mike!" One mourner was seen rolling around on the ground screaming. Another was quieter and more reflective, as he was only paid $50. A high-ranking campaign staffer was reportedly paid over $50,000 to commit seppuku to restore honor to his name after failing the great Mike Bloomberg. To...

MIAMI, FL—Florida man Clint Cooper has obeyed all state and federal laws and generally stayed out of trouble. He has not fired any guns in his backyard and hit random strangers with .22 caliber bullets. He hasn't attacked a McDonald's employee or hit his dad with a pizza for helping give birth to him. He hasn't murdered any ex-girlfriends in an attempt to get rid of the devil or driven his Ferrari 360 into the ocean at top speed. He had no syringes hidden anywhere on his person and was not arrested in an argument over a cheesesteak. Additionally, he...

MOSCOW—The Russians were excited once again for a U.S. presidential election in which they could interfere to sow division and discord, but their excitement soon turned to dismay when they found an election already too chaotic for them to follow. (Snip) Evil leader of Russia and interferer of elections, Vladamir Putin, agreed. “In our wildest ambitions, we never would have tried to get a straight out Communist to win the nomination in a major U.S. party,” Putin said. “I don’t know how we’re supposed to interfere and add to that.” Putin hung his head sadly. “It’s like people don’t even...

KANSAS CITY, MO—After a lengthy dispute with his wife this morning, local man Lee Branscom expressed his great sorrow and regret over whatever he did in her dream last night that had her so ticked off at him, sources confirmed Tuesday He attempted reasoning with her, using the "lame excuse" that he had no control over what dream Lee does, but after that failed, he resigned himself to apologizing for every action of the imaginary version of himself. "Honey, I know in your dream I hijacked a school bus, blew up the Empire State Building, and cheated on you with...

NEW YORK, NY—The Bloomberg News Editorial Board has endorsed Mike Bloomberg for president. While other publications are endorsing multiple candidates or communists, Bloomberg Opinion says they've found the right man for the job: Mike Bloomberg. "He's a really swell guy," wrote the editorial team. "We always have a good time when good ol' Mike is around. His ideas are great, dogs and children love him, and honestly, it's our completely unbiased opinion that he's just the #1 man for the job. Vote Mike Bloomberg!" The team listed some of his greatest accomplishments: A record score of 18 on the golf...

U.S.—Farmers have long been looked down upon by coastal elites, and now the farmers are finally getting their revenge: the "redneck hicks" all around the country have announced they will not be shipping the ingredients needed to make avocado toast to major liberal cities like New York and Los Angeles. "Until further notice, you'll have to farm your own wheat and grow your own avocados," a spokesperson for America's farmers said as he chewed on a stalk of Timothy grass and did other stereotypical farmer things. "Have fun! Yeehaw!" Avocado farmers in rural parts of Florida and California reminded city...