Free Republic

MUNICH — In a bold declaration against colonial imperialism, U.S. Congresswoman Alexandro Ocasio-Cortez spoke out this week to condemn Spain for stealing Mexico's language. According to AOC, Spain is a racist, dirty, white colonialist old power and should repatriate the Spanish language back to Mexico, where she said it originated. "How dare you appropriate Mexico's native tongue?" AOC berated the Spanish prime minister, shaking her head in disbelief. "I can't believe you would stoop to such lows. How do you even steal an entire language? It's worse than Ocean's Eleven. What's going to be next? Stealing the recipe for Tex-Mex...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a long-rumored shake-up at a high-level position in his administration, President Donald Trump announced that he had replaced Attorney General Pam Bondi with a broom in a blonde wig. According to White House sources, the president hoped that the personnel shift would do a better job leading the Department of Justice than Bondi has over the past year. "That other gal has been a disappointment," Trump told reporters. "Instead, I picked out this broom and put a nice blonde wig on top. See? It's so easy. The blonde hair makes it beautiful. And since it's...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hillary Clinton's long career in politics finally met with the recognition it deserved when the United States created a new federal holiday in her honor: "Almost Presidents" Day.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With debate ongoing over the Republican-proposed SAVE Act to shore up U.S. election integrity, Democrat lawmakers countered by proposing their own legislation, the STEAL Act, to ban voter ID in elections. The bill, which has the full title of Shield The Election From Legitimacy Act, would make it illegal for anyone to present valid identification when voting in an election, thereby preventing any safeguards against fraud from being put in place. "This legislation is vital to the survival of our party," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "With Republicans seeking to discriminate against people by only allowing...

EDINA, MN — An alarming new study of Minnesota schools revealed that the average Somali high school senior is only committing fraud at a 5th-grade level. While Minnesota's numbers still lead the nation, education experts said that the statistic was "a bad sign" for a state traditionally well-recognized for its students' fraud aptitude. "It's quite worrisome — the average fraud level of Minnesota's Somali seniors has been slowly declining," warned Kaylee McCaulkins, who works for Minnesota's Department of Education. "We've been throwing everything we've got at them, short of opening daycares and learing centers for them ourselves, but it's so...

SANTA CLARA, CA - Following this year's Super Bowl halftime show featuring the musical stylings of Bad Bunny, surveys show support for Immigration and Customs Enforcement skyrocketed 99 percent overnight. Numbers show the support came immediately following Bad Bunny's performance, which featured strong references to Latino and Puerto Rican culture. "I don't know what that was, but I don't like it," one survey respondent said. "I love America, but that performance had zero apple pie, no cheerleaders, and a shocking lack of bald eagles. Disgusting." Many who answered the survey say they were put off by the performance's lewd lyrics...

U.S. — After watching several videos of anti-ICE protesters viciously hunting people down to check their papers, an impressed President Trump announced he will immediately hire the protesters to join Border Patrol. Trump stated that the protesters' stiff enforcement of checkpoints, motivation to build physical barriers, and commitment to chasing down anyone without proper identification made them perfect for the job. "I can't think of anyone better," said Trump. "Have you seen these people? They're so passionate about border security, you don't even have to pay them and they'll stand out in the freezing cold to monitor every single person...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With President Trump and Republicans campaigning hard to shore up election integrity in the U.S., congressional Democrats agreed to negotiate on the issue on the condition that death certificates be added to the list of acceptable forms of voter ID. Though initially opposed to any form of legislation mandating voter ID, Democrats surprisingly came forward with a proposal to compromise by guaranteeing that presenting a current death certificate would be accepted as valid identification to vote in elections. "It's our base's most widely used form of documentation," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We didn't want to...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As lawmakers and other notable figures gathered once again for the annual solemn occasion to petition the Almighty God on behalf of the country, politicians were reportedly hoping that the National Prayer Breakfast would wrap up in time for them to make it to the scheduled Coke Orgy Lunch. Republicans and Democrats alike expressed eagerness to attend the annual event in the nation's capital to publicly pray for the United States, but inside sources confirmed that multiple members of Congress had to double-check with their respective staffs to make sure that the prayer breakfast would not...

Our current society can have trouble showing acceptance — especially to conservatives. If you're a young conservative who has kept your political views a secret from your family, knowing how to tell your parents can be difficult. The Babylon Bee is here to help you closeted folks with the following list of ways to come out as a conservative to your liberal parents: Go on a date with someone of the opposite sex: Seeing blatant displays of heterosexuality will make it obvious to them. Get a job: Another child lost to capitalism. Put up a "Fat JD Vance" poster...

ST. PAUL, MN — Governor Tim Walz has emerged from the den of the Governor's Mansion to declare that there will be six more weeks of rioting and fraud. "We know this is all silly, but it's fun," said handler Marsha Billingsworth. "It's always rioting and fraud season, but the Governor-coming-out-of-the-den tradition is good family fun that brings in some tourism money, which will help offset the costs of all the rioting and fraud in the state." Once a year, Minnesotans cheerfully gather around the mansion to see what the governor will do, depending upon whether or not he sees...

U.S. — The new trove of Epstein documents has revealed damning photos of Microsoft's former assistant "Clippy" visiting Epstein island. Several compromising pictures released by the DOJ have placed the anthropomorphic paper clip at the island during the time when girls were being trafficked there by Epstein. "This looks really bad," said legal expert Kenny Montana. "Picture after picture of Clippy, right on the island, and never with clothes on. He doesn't look remotely embarrassed. On the contrary, Clippy always has the same lurid smile and wide-eyed gaze. There's no explaining his way out of this." Not only did...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise choice to succeed Jerome Powell when his term expired in the spring, President Donald Trump nominated an unknown Spanish economist named Ronaldo Paulino as chairman of the Federal Reserve. According to administration insiders, Trump made the choice after a brief meeting with Paulino at the White House, from which he came away impressed with Paulino's knowledge of the Fed's history and ideas for its future. "He knew a lot about the Fed for being a foreigner," Trump later told reporters after announcing the nomination. "He's also got a very nice mustache, I must say....

U.S. — Self-proclaimed journalist Don Lemon was arrested on Friday for allegedly raiding a church service and intimidating its congregation, prompting experts to warn that such actions taken by the DOJ could be a slippery slope that leads to arresting politicians and other people who deserve it. "This is an outrage," sociological analyst Kelvin Grimp said. "If we start enforcing laws, elected officials and other criminals could be in really big trouble." According to sources, approximately 99% of the U.S. Congress and up to half of the nation's governors would be behind bars if America were to continue down this...

COLTS NECK, NJ — After putting out a new song titled "Streets of Minneapolis" as a show of support for anti-ICE protesters, musician Bruce Springsteen issued a statement threatening to keep releasing songs until deportations were stopped. The news quickly spread across the country, with frightened Americans buying up canned goods and preparing to take shelter due to Springsteen's threat to continue putting out new music unless the trump administration ended all ICE operations. "I can do this every day, and nobody wants that," Springsteen said in a video posted online. "If you want to prevent me from releasing...

Now over a year into the new congressional term and moving toward the midterms, the Republican-controlled U.S. Congress has been racking up one major victory after another. Don't believe it? Just look at the facts. The Babylon Bee has the receipts with the following list of things the GOP has accomplished while in power: 1. Got Little Debbie Zebra Cakes added to the Capitol cafeteria: The far-reaching magnitude of this cannot be overstated. 2. Thought long and hard about doing something: They're not sure what it was, but they definitely considered it. 3. Added a cool light show to the...

U.S. — Liberal women across the U.S. spent the day feverishly refreshing their Instagram feed to see what they are supposed to be angry about next. With the rage over the latest issue seemingly having passed its zenith, liberal women were left scrolling for somewhere else to target their unbridled fury. "Come on, come on, what do we hate now?" said local woman Denise Simmons as she refreshed her feed once more. "Throw me a bone here, people. I don't know whether to scream about voter identification, blowing up drug boats, global warming, white people -- I'm totally lost. Someone...

TOPEKA, KS — A kindly hospital clerk asked local man Jonathan Arnold to please fill out the brief 50-page intake form, promising they would then get right to addressing the axe embedded in his skull. The clerk then asked for Arnold's insurance information, stating it would only take 20 minutes to run his benefits so that a doctor could take a look at the hunk of metal in his cranium. "Just hold really, really still so the axe doesn't move while you finish these forms," said the clerk, Sharon Maxwell. "Oh, and don't forget the pages are all front and...

Is Trump's Gestapo getting on your nerves? Looking for ways to show support for undocumented Americans by standing up to federal law enforcement? You're not alone. Rest assured, there are things you can do to show you're part of the resistance. The Babylon Bee has put together the following list of simple ways you can do today to resist ICE: Eat some tacos: They were probably made by illegal immigrants, but even if they weren't, they're still delicious. Perform routine maintenance on your agent-ramming SUV: Running down ICE is best done with proper oil changes and tire pressure checks....

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The malodorous substance sprayed on Representative Ilhan Omar at a town hall meeting has been identified as Somali food. A man seated on the front row of the town hall suddenly rose and began shouting at Omar midway through the event before spraying her with Somali cuisine that had been fed through a blender. "Oof. It smells like rice and bananas," said security guard Jim Palmer as he secured Omar. "This is the most awful stench I have ever encountered. We need to get that substance down to the laboratory immediately. It's either poo mixed with rancid...