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Keyword: babylonbee

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  • America Just Kinda Curious If President Alive

    07/23/2024 9:16:33 AM PDT · by BipolarBob · 13 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 7/22/2024 | Babylon Bee
    U.S. — With Biden having failed to make a public appearance for 5 days, reports from across the country indicate Americans everywhere are kinda wondering if the President of the United States and leader of the free world is actually still alive or not. When asked for comment, several citizens have stated: "We won't be mad if you'll just tell us, but it would be pretty cool to know if the President's heart is still beating — just curious, you know." "Yeah, no biggie, but it would be kinda swell to know if we actually still have a leader who...
  • In Most Popular Move Of Presidency, Biden Quits

    07/22/2024 9:46:20 AM PDT · by Navy Patriot · 4 replies
    The Bee ^ | July 22, 2024 | Staff
    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Joseph R. Biden, 46th President of the United States, has finally managed to rally the country around a common cause by dropping out of the presidential race. The move has been widely praised as the most popular action of Biden's presidency and has garnered bipartisan support from nearly all Americans. Biden's decision to step down is polling at nearly 100% approval across the nation and has sparked spontaneous block parties and state fairs country-wide. Judd Franklin, a lifelong Republican, said that he never thought he'd find any sort of agreement with the Democrats. "Who'd have ever guessed...
  • Aides Struggling To Figure Out How To Break The News To Biden That He Dropped Out

    07/22/2024 10:25:35 AM PDT · by RoosterRedux · 17 replies
    After the announcement broke that President Biden would no longer seek re-election, aides have struggled to figure out how exactly to break the news to President Biden. "Oh man, he's not going to like this," said longtime aide Sally Connors. "Maybe we can wait until after four, and then he won't remember?" According to sources, aides plan to try to sandwich the news between bits of good news in an effort to soften the blow. "We could start off by reminding him that it's National Ice Cream Day," said aide Mike Thomas. "Then, breeze real fast through the 'you have...
  • Biden To Make Statement Via Ouija Board

    07/22/2024 11:20:26 AM PDT · by DFG · 32 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 07/22/2024 | Babylon Bee
    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to questions that arose from his supposedly resigning from the race and going missing for several days, the White House revealed that Joe Biden would make an official statement today via Ouija board. "Starting today, the president will answer all questions from the Great Beyond," said black and gay White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is gay and black. "This is in no way meant to suggest the President is dead or anything. He's totally alive. I just saw him a few minutes ago, I promise." The administration made the announcement in an effort...
  • Man Who Just Admitted He Is Unfit To Be President Assures Nation He Will Continue Being President

    07/21/2024 3:40:45 PM PDT · by DFG · 26 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 07/21/2024 | Babylon Bee
    WASHINTON, DC — President Biden finally admitted this afternoon that he is no longer mentally fit to be President, then assured the nation that he will continue being president. "I have to face reality. My mind isn't what it used to be," President Biden announced Sunday. "I forget things. Sometimes I don't know where I am. Yesterday I mistook a houseplant for Janet Yellen. It's something about her face. So, with a heavy heart, I am announcing that I am no longer fit to be President and will cease campaigning. Still, you can sleep easy knowing I will continue running...
  • Jill Biden Drops Out Of Presidential Race

    07/21/2024 11:12:30 AM PDT · by John Robinson · 34 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | Jul 21, 2024
    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Jill Biden has formally dropped out of the 2024 presidential race, she announced today at a press conference that was supposed to be for her husband.
  • Dem Sen. Coons: Biden Can’t Resign Because of His Foreign Policy Experience, It Would Be ‘Disrespect’ to Him

    07/21/2024 2:14:57 PM PDT · by ChicagoConservative27 · 54 replies
    Breitbart ^ | 07/21/2024 | Ian hatchett
    During an interview with CNN on Sunday, Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE), who was a co-Chair of the Biden Campaign, responded to calls for President Joe Biden to resign by stating that Biden has demonstrated his ability on international issues and that he “has more experience in foreign policy than any national leader, and to have him step aside now, I think would be a grave disservice to our nation and a profound disrespect to his legacy and his lifetime of service.”
  • Trump Selling Official $250 Golden Ear Bandages

    07/20/2024 12:43:56 PM PDT · by protest1 · 22 replies ^ | Jul 19, 2024 |
    MILWAUKEE, WI — With the excitement of the 2024 Republican National Convention still in the air, conservative attendees in Milwaukee and nationwide were thrilled to hear the news that former President Donald Trump was now selling official $250 golden ear bandages. The new product was made available by the Trump campaign to conventiongoers this week, with the initial production run of the high-dollar golden ear bandage quickly selling out. A campaign spokesperson said the item was initially going to be a limited edition, but discussions were taking place about producing more due to high demand......
  • Desperate Democrats List Job Opening For Presidential Candidate On LinkedIn

    07/19/2024 1:06:30 PM PDT · by dynachrome · 11 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 7-19-24 | Babylon Bee
    As rumors about President Biden withdrawing from the presidential race continue to swirl around the nation, desperate Democrat leaders have recently resorted to listing a job opening for a new presidential candidate on LinkedIn. According to the posting, the Democrats are looking for four things in a new candidate: ability to breathe, ability to form coherent sentences, a strong commitment to DEI and abortion, and a lack of being named "Kamala Harris." "Yeah, things are getting a little tight around here, so we felt like we might as well go for the full-court press and use LinkedIn," said one Democrat...
  • New White House Doctor Sadly Informs Biden Only Cure For COVID Is Euthanasia

    07/18/2024 2:48:43 PM PDT · by packagingguy · 20 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | Jul 18, 2024 | Babylon Bee Staff
    Washington sources report that the White House received "a real downer of a prognosis" yesterday after Dr. Pillary Schminton informed President Biden that the only known cure for COVID is euthanasia. Dr. Schminton, who received formal training in Canada, said that — despite the seeming cruelty of it all — euthanasia is the only responsible choice for treating the President's terrible case of COVID-19. "I'm so sorry to say, this is totally fatal," Dr. Schminton reportedly said. "The only thing we have left to do is keep the poor fellow comfortable and inject him with morphine until he just slips...
  • Democrat Leaders Make Tough Decision To Place Biden On Hospice Following COVID Diagnosis

    07/18/2024 8:58:19 AM PDT · by dayglored · 9 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | Jul 17, 2024 | Babylon Bee
    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Five minutes after news broke that President Biden has been diagnosed with COVID, Democrat party leaders were forced to make the difficult decision to place Biden on hospice care. "We just want Joe to be comfortable with the short time he has left," explained Senator Chuck Schumer. "We spent a long, hard thirty seconds deliberating over what to do, and we all agreed this is for the best." President Biden reportedly resisted the idea of being placed on hospice, but Democrat leaders assured the doctors that he was demented and didn't know what he was saying....
  • Think Women Can't Do The Job? Here Are 12 Benefits Of Lady Secret Service Agents

    07/17/2024 12:10:19 PM PDT · by Navy Patriot · 59 replies
    The Bee ^ | July 16, 2024 | Staff
    Female Secret Service agents have caught a lot of backhanded remarks as the country has reacted to the recent shooting of Donald Trump. Some people even seem to think having Lady Secret Service agents might not be the best idea in every situation. That's absolute hogwash! We at the Babylon Bee understand the critical role female agents play in the Secret Service, so we've put together this listicle to help underline all of the special talents these ladies bring to the table: 1. They can hold up their little makeup mirror thingies to reflect the sun into the eyes of...
  • Secret Service Director Assures Nation She Wasn't Trying To Get Trump Killed, She's Just Extremely Incompetent

    07/17/2024 12:36:41 PM PDT · by TChad · 20 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 7-16-2024 | Babylon Bee
    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a heartfelt address to the American people today, Director of the Secret Service Kimberly Cheatle assured the nation that she wasn't trying to get Trump assassinated, stating instead that she's just very highly incompetent.Cheatle's statement follows a host of speculations about potential foul play or intentional negligence on the part of the Secret Service, which prompted her to clarify that her failings stem from being bad at her job, not from any ill-will towards Donald Trump.
  • Secret Service Vows To Find Out What Went Wrong At The Trump Rally As Soon As They Figure Out Who Left Cocaine In The White House

    07/15/2024 3:45:14 PM PDT · by Navy Patriot · 16 replies
    The Bee ^ | July 15, 2024 | Staff
    WASHINGTON, D.C. — As authorities sought to piece together the puzzle of glaring security failures in the attempted assassination of former President Donald Trump, the Secret Service vowed to find out what went wrong at the Trump rally as soon as they figure out who left cocaine in the White House. "One mystery at a time, people," Secret Service spokesperson Jeanine Harper. "We'll get right on that once we finally get to the bottom of this conundrum about who could have possibly left a bag of cocaine in the White House. All in good time." Federal agents reportedly remained stumped...
  • Secret Service Beefs Up Trump’s Security With Squad Of Blind Midgets

    07/15/2024 9:52:51 AM PDT · by Navy Patriot · 25 replies
    The Bee ^ | July 15, 2024 | Staff
    According to sources, the United States Secret Service plans to beef up Trump's security team with a squad of blind midgets. "I have personally vetted these seeing-impaired persons of limited stature and certify them ready for deployment," Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle said in a statement. Republican leadership questioned the effectiveness of these new agents but the agency dismissed their concerns as bigoted. "They asked why they were so short and also why they kept bumping into things, and that's just not acceptable," Direct Cheatle said. "They are as devoted to their duty as they are physically handicapped." "I can...
  • CNN: 'Clumsy Trump Hits Head On Bullet'

    07/15/2024 8:44:11 AM PDT · by dayglored · 19 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | Jul 13, 2024 | Babylon Bee
    U.S. — CNN announced today that in a shocking incident, former President Trump clumsily hit his head on a bullet, causing an unfortunate disturbance at a Pennsylvania rally. "What a klutz, that Trump! Probably worse then Biden," said Anderson Cooper. "Look at all that blood from smacking his face on a bullet. Boy, I bet he feels sheepish." CNN reported Trump smacked his ear on the harmless bullet at incredible velocity, causing a loud sound like a gunshot. "The helpless little bullet never saw it coming," announced Cooper. "Trump then fell over, forcing several Secret Service agents to dive...
  • CHow CNN Reported 7 Famous Assassinations Throughout History

    07/14/2024 9:12:36 PM PDT · by Beowulf9 · 10 replies ^ | July 14 2024 | BabylonBee
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  • Trump Safe, Leaving Only One Dead Candidate

    07/13/2024 7:38:46 PM PDT · by Ciaphas Cain · 14 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | July 14, 2024
    U.S. — Secret Service has reported that former President Donald Trump sustained only minor injuries in an assassination attempt, leaving the number of dead Presidential candidates at one. "We can now confirm there is only one dead Presidential candidate," announced Fox News anchor Laura Ingraham. "Praise the Lord that former President Trump is alright." The nation breathed a sigh of relief upon learning that there was still one remaining Presidential candidate with a pulse. "I'm just so glad one of our leaders is still alive," said local woman Allison Thompson. "It would be such a tragedy to have lost both...
  • Desperate Democrats Ask Buffalo Guy If He Can Stage Another Insurrection

    07/12/2024 5:54:37 PM PDT · by Navy Patriot · 14 replies
    The Bee ^ | July 12, 2024 | Staff
    With President Biden's poll numbers continuing to fall and projections for November's elections looking grim, desperate Democrats called the January 6 buffalo guy on the phone to see if he'd be willing to stage another insurrection. "Yes, is this Jacob Chansley? Yes, I'd like to order an insurrection," Nancy Pelosi said to the infamous QAnon Shaman. "I know we've been saying insurrections are bad and stuff, but things are looking ugly for us and we've tried just about everything we can do to turn it around, but it's not good." "If you could maybe overthrow the government and force Biden...
  • Obama Reassures Nation He's Still Running Country

    07/12/2024 8:39:07 AM PDT · by dayglored · 20 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | Jul 11, 2024 | Babylon Bee
    U.S. — Despite rising tension within the Democratic Party and uncertainty regarding President Joe Biden's cognitive capacity and fitness to remain in the presidential race, former President Barack Obama reassured the nation that he is still running the country. Obama's calming message that he remained in firm control of the United States came as a relief to millions of Americans who had begun to believe that their country was being supervised by a mentally defective dementia patient who lost his grasp of reality years ago. "Don't worry, America, I'm still at the wheel," Obama said in a brief public...