Free Republic

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In what some are taking as perhaps a bad omen, President Trump responded to the SCOTUS ruling on nationwide injunctions by screaming "UNLIMITED POWER!" and shooting lightning from his fingertips. "That's probably not good," said an eyewitness as a cackling Trump scorched an aide with lightning. "It sounded like he said something to the effect of ‘Now, nothing can stop me from controlling the galaxy'. It's a bit concerning." While many conservatives had felt that district courts issuing nationwide injunctions was an unfair check on executive power, they no longer felt so sure after witnessing Trump levitate...

CAMBRIDGE, MA — The Department of Homeland Security announced that a massive terrorist sleeper cell was discovered hiding just outside of Boston, Massachusetts. Authorities found the large group of infiltrated terrorists after a routine patrol around a well-known university's infamous quad uncovered dozens of Iranian sleeper cell operatives. "We've never seen anything like it," FBI spokesman Agent Dale Johnson said. "On the outside, they appeared to be dressed like college students and faculty, but every single one of them was a terrorist or terrorist sympathizer. We have reason to believe that the entire campus is, in fact, a terrorist training...

NEW YORK, NY — Democratic Party strategists were thrilled this week after they stumbled upon an innovative new strategy of winning elections by promising free stuff to stupid people. According to Democratic mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani, the bold new strategy of showing idiots with promises of free stuff could be "a total game-changer" for the party. "Hear me out, guys — what if we just tried promising uninformed, ignorant people that we'll give them free stuff if they vote for us?" Mandami reportedly asked at a campaign brainstorming meeting. "Why haven't we tried this before? Come on, people. Get your...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth responded to allegations of sexism on Thursday by vowing that the United States military would never discriminate against chicks, broads, or dames. Hegseth had fallen under criticism after apparently failing to specifically recognize the females who participated in the air strikes on Iran, leading him to issue a clarifying statement that the armed forces would never engage in prejudice against skirts. "I'm sorry for the lack of gender inclusive language," Hegseth said, apologizing to Associated Press reporter Tara Copp. "It was not my intention to impugn the contributions of any chicks, broads,...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ramifications were predicted to be felt for generations after today, as in a historic 6-3 Supreme Court decision, 3 justices were ruled to be morons. The ruling came near the end of the U.S. Supreme Court's current term, leaving legal analysts around the country saying that the decision was sure to have a long-lasting impact on all future cases. "This was a ruling that shifts the balance in the country," one expert said. "According to this 6-3 decision, three of the justices sitting on the Supreme Court as morons, with the three morons themselves providing the dissenting...

TEHRAN — Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini declared a resounding victory over the United States and Israel after Iran destroyed 14 American bunker buster bombs with its nuclear facilities. In a video message released today, Iran's Supreme Leader said that the advanced American ordinance was no match for the destructive capabilities of Iran's foremost nuclear sites. "We have brought utter and complete obliteration to the weapons of our enemies," the Ayatollah declared triumphantly, brushing soot off his turban. "The pitiful Zionist bunker busters were ultimately annihilated by our nuclear facilities. Our nuclear bomb program, which did not exist before the Americans' failed...

U.S. — CNN has obtained a classified briefing revealing that the city of Hiroshima was "barely affected" after being hit by an atomic bomb. According to anonymous sources, the briefing states that Hiroshima being hit by a nuke only set back the city "a couple of months" and that all of its industries would be operating as normal shortly. "Hiroshima escaped with minimal damage," reported CNN's Anderson Cooper. "A few entrances to the city were shut down, but otherwise the city remains completely intact. We have highly classified intelligence which confirms that Hiroshima was not, I repeat, was not incinerated...

NEW YORK CITY — Zohran Mamdani, winner of New York City's mayoral Democratic primary, has vowed to knock down the One World Trade Center in order to build more affordable housing. Mamdani admitted that taking down the popular tower was something of a political suicide mission, but he remained undeterred. "We will not allow the wealthy capitalist elite to hijack our city," said Mamdani. "As mayor, I promise to take this problem head on by bringing down One World Trade Center and putting cheap, government-controlled apartments in its place. I understand that people believe this initiative could really blow up...

NEW YORK — The Hamas terrorist organization has claimed responsibility for the results of last night's mayoral primary in New York City. "Our glorious freedom fighters have delivered an attack on New York City that the Great Satan will not soon forget," stated Hamas spokesman Abu Obaida. "We take responsibility for the heroic operation that has begun the city's deliverance to Allah. The intifada has been globalized." Hamas went on to state that last night's primary was the first wave of assaults directed at destroying American cities and paving the way for attacks on the Jewish community. "We shall make...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington politicians sounded the alarm Tuesday that a ceasefire agreement brokered by President Trump between Israel and Iran may be a slippery slope that leads to peace in the Middle East. Democrats criticized Trump's involvement in Israel and Iran's war, calling it unconstitutional and blasting it for threatening peace in the region. "No one wants that," said Senator Chuck Schumer. "Peace opens up the frightening possibility of no war. Not on my watch!" "Death!" he added. "I like death!" New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez slammed the ceasefire as a sham, saying it requires Iran to stop launching...

MIDDLE EAST — The region rejoiced and the world marvelled as peace broke out in the Middle East and lasted a record 27 minutes. The normal pace of life in the violent, war-torn region was oddly broken up on Tuesday after a ceasefire occurred between Israel and Iran. The ceasefire went into effect shortly after the United States bombed Iran's heavily guarded nuclear site, but experts are quick to point out that the ceasefire had nothing to do with that. "I didn't know what to do at first," said Yaakov Peretz in Israel. "Normally at this time I am in...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ongoing hostilities in the Middle East raised tensions in the nation's capital as well, with frustrated legislators who fail to meet their responsibilities on a daily basis reminded everyone that launching military actions was their responsibility. Lawmakers had given pushback against President Donald Trump over the last two weeks as he raised the temperature of his rhetoric regarding Israel and Iran, telling the president and anyone else who would listen that officially starting wars was their job, even though they don't do their job. "Declaring war is our job!" said one congressman. "We haven't really been holding...

EDGARTOWN, MA — With the news that the U.S. military had carried out a successful bombing operation in Iran over the weekend, former President Barack Obama was reportedly distraught that President Donald Trump had bombed the cool nuke factory he had paid for. After several days of speculation, Trump revealed that the U.S. had carried out air strikes to destroy several of Iran's key nuclear research sites, leaving Obama despondent that the facilities he had fronted the Iranians billions of dollars to build were now gone. "All those years of money and hard work just blown to bits," Obama was...

GREEN BAY, WI — In preparation for an early work day, local man David Miles drank a cup of coffee so that, in addition to feeling tired, he could also be irritable. "The caffeine really helps," Miles said as he prepared for a busy day at the office. "Now, I don't just feel tired, but also jittery and easily frustrated by everything all day." Miles, who works at a major insurance firm in the area, has been described by his managers as a loyal employee who frequently shows up to work on time despite being tired and irritable. "About...

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Democrats were outraged by an appeals court ruling that permitted the Commander in Chief of the United States Armed Forces to command the armed forces. Democratic leaders said that the ruling was a clear and present threat to American democracy and they feared for the future of a country where the person in charge of things could actually be in charge of things. "This is an extremely dangerous precedent for the court to set," said Senator Cory Booker. "There is no way that the president should be allowed to exercise his constitutional authority to tell the U.S....

LOS ANGELES, CA — The Los Angeles Dodgers were hoping to attract large crowds at tonight's game against the Washington Nationals by offering a limited edition MS-13 bobblehead to commemorate the recent L.A. anti-ICE riots. A social media ad for the event read, "¡Hola! Don't miss MS-13 Bobblehead Night at Dodger Stadium on 7/20 presented by the Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights (CHIRLA)! The first 2,000 undocumented migrants get their very own MS-13 Bobblehead! ¡Ay, caramba!" The limited edition MS-13 bobblehead features a Latinx cis-male with face tattoos and a penchant for vandalism. The figurine wears an unbuttoned Dodgers jersey...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources within the Trump administration, Texas Republicans tipped off the State Department about the city of Austin being in possession of nuclear weapons. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas was seen meeting with Secretary of State Marco Rubio at the Harry S. Truman Building to discuss the danger of Austin obtaining nuclear weapons and what measures should be taken to prevent the situation from growing more dangerous. "I have it under good authority that they have nukes buried underground there somewhere," Cruz said, conveying a message he received from Texas Governor Greg Abbott. "He wouldn't lie....

U.S. — Democrats across the country announced that they would be celebrating the Juneteenth holiday by giving their slaves an extra 5-minute break during the day. "Happy Juneteenth!" Nancy Pelosi told the illegal immigrant that she pays under the table. "Why don't you take an extra five minutes to celebrate quietly with your kids. Then, it's back to work!" Democrats, known for their history of slave ownership, chose to take the entire day for quiet reflection as they remembered how slaves in Texas were finally told they were free two years after the Emancipation Proclamation signed by Republican President Abraham...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of the Supreme Court ruling today that states could outlaw mutilating kids, Democrats were left wondering what else kids were good for. With the Supreme Court having already ruled that a state could outlaw killing kids, Democrats had been content to mutilate them. However, after today's ruling, liberals have begun puzzling as to what other things you could do with a child. "Goodness. No killing kids, no cutting them, no injecting them with hormones... what else do you do with them?" wondered Senator Chuck Schumer aloud. "Would you, like, play fetch with them? Wait,...

Scientists have confirmed that testosterone levels are falling every generation, but how do you know if you have low T? Here are eleven warning signs to watch out for: You experience emotions: Feelings are a classic symptom of low testosterone. A Home Depot employee asked if you needed help finding something and you said "yes": You are unwell. You used an oven mitt because the frying pan was "too hot": Aww, look at the little baby with his mitten! You remembered one of your friend's birthdays: Please, seek help. At the end of Braveheart you didn't shed a single...