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Babylon Bee Join Toggle navigation menu Banner Ad 11 Pickup Lines For Getting Chicks At A 'No Kings' Rally Politics · Mar 30, 2026 · BabylonBee.com Ashlin Galbraith / Shutterstock Image for article: 11 Pickup Lines For Getting Chicks At A 'No Kings' Rally Banner Ad A "No Kings" rally isn't just an excuse to take off work while protesting a thing that doesn't exist in America — it's also a great way to find love. Knowing what the chicks at a "No Kings" protest want to hear is the key. The Babylon Bee spent the weekend compiling the most...

Dozens of significant injuries have been reported at the "No Kings" rally today after a multi-scooter pileup as the protest crossed Tremont Street. Nearby trauma centers were reportedly inundated with patients who had suffered broken hips and femurs due to the collision. Area hospitals were also dealing with a mass wave of rallygoers suffering various levels of bowel and urinary incontinence. "It's old-person Armageddon out here," said emergency physician Lee Bockelman. "There are shattered hips and leaking bladders everywhere. I've never seen anything like that. They don't train you for this kind of mass casualty event." Healthcare officials accused rally...

JUPITER, FL — The black half of professional golfer Tiger Woods was tased by police at the scene where the Asian half of Tiger Woods had wrecked his car. Woods' Asian half had just managed to roll his vehicle on its side while driving in a neighborhood, only to exit the car and have his black half get nailed by a taser. "Tough break there," said CBS commentator Jim Nantz, watching the video. "Tiger needs to let the black half do the driving and the Asian half talk to the police. He could really use a race caddy to help...

PARIS — French President Emmanuel Macron explained today that the French Army simply could not help open the Strait of Hormuz as all fifteen of its soldiers have already been deployed to defend Greenland. Though expressing their sincere desire to help, Macron stated that France simply did not have the military resources to help open the Strait while maintaining its protection of Greenland. "All of France's military might, specifically the one unit we have with fifteen soldiers, is already deployed," said Macron. "They cannot be relocated as they are bravely defending the shores of Greenland. Specifically, the one shore that's...

U.S. — The Transportation Security Administration announced this morning that it would be ending the practice of performing colonoscopies on travelers at airports around the country in an effort to speed up security lines amidst the ongoing partial government shutdown. A TSA press release said that eliminating the standard colonoscopy portion of the search was a risk the agency was willing to take to accommodate travelers. "Our checkpoints will now be slightly less invasive," TSA spokesman Robert Clarence told reporters after the announcement. "Having to prep a traveler for such a procedure takes time, and sometimes we even had to...

TEHRAN — Following the latest round of U.S. and Israeli airstrikes in the country, Kevin, the janitor at the Office of the Supreme Leader, was officially recognized as now being the most senior military official left in Iran. Over the last few weeks, U.S.-led strikes have almost completely annihilated the Ayatollah's regime and the Iranian military chain of command, leaving Kevin as the highest-ranking member of government personnel left in the entire country. "Me? Really? Wow, nobody told me I got promoted!" Kevin reportedly said upon hearing the news. "I just scored the janitor job a couple of months ago,...

The hottest job on the market right now is being the Iranian Ayatollah, but why is everyone suddenly buzzing about it? Here are just eight of the most incredible perks that come with being the new Supreme Leader: Neat hat that can easily hide a bag of Cheetos: Very few jobs out there right now offering Cheeto hats. Free pagers: People will literally just give them to you. Job is secure even if you lose your legs: How many careers can say that? Can issue fatwas against anyone who annoys you: Telemarketer calls during dinner -- fatwa. Falafel truck...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Just in time for St. Patrick's Day, San Francisco officials spared no expense in dyeing all the poop on the city's sidewalks green. "Wow! It's so festive!" remarked one homeless man. "I should poop on the sidewalk more often." The project, spearheaded by Mayor Daniel Lurie, was reportedly a clever way to capitalize on the St. Patrick's Day holiday while also making the city's sidewalks slightly less revolting. Residents reacted favorably to the festive new sidewalks and claimed that it made the city feel that much more Irish. "There's still poop everywhere, but at least...

TEHRAN — At President Donald Trump's direction, the U.S. military successfully took out Iran's new gay supreme leader by luring him out of his bunker with a cardboard cutout of Baywatch star David Hasselhoff. As part of Operation Hot Hoff, SEAL Team Six reportedly trained night and day for weeks ahead of a planned ground incursion in which they strategically set up a cardboard cutout of David Hasselhoff designed to look lost and in need of male companionship. It was only a matter of time before Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei, who sources indicated was gay, fell for the devious trap and...

TEHRAN — At President Donald Trump's direction, the U.S. military successfully took out Iran's new gay supreme leader by luring him out of his bunker with a cardboard cutout of Baywatch star David Hasselhoff. As part of Operation Hot Hoff, SEAL Team Six reportedly trained night and day for weeks ahead of a planned ground incursion in which they strategically set up a cardboard cutout of David Hasselhoff designed to look lost and in need of male companionship. It was only a matter of time before Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei, who sources indicated was gay, fell for the devious trap and...

TEHRAN — With rumors about his sexual preferences circulating amid the ongoing military conflict ravaging his country, the new Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei was reportedly disappointed to learn that the 72 virgins awaiting him in paradise were all women. Sources within the regime revealed that the recently chosen supreme leader had called his most trusted Muslim scholars to search the Quran to determine if the 72 virgins awaiting martyrs in paradise had to be female. "You could tell he was pretty bummed," said one insider. "We've all heard the rumors for years, and his father tried to keep it under...

TEHRAN — The legless torso of newly-appointed Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei assured the world that the loss of his legs in battle was "just a flesh wound". "Tis' but a scratch," declared Khamenei as aides carefully balanced his torso on the floor. "I've had worse. Come on then, America, you Great Satan you! Have at you, you yellow-bellied cowards. I'm invincible!!" Secretary of War Pete Hegseth reportedly spoke to the Ayatollah directly, asking Khamenei to admit defeat. "Ooooh, had enough then Pete, have you?" cackled the Ayatollah in response. "Chicken! chicken! Come on then, you pansy!" In response, Hegseth ordered another...

TEHRAN — Rumors of the Ayatollah regime's nefarious plot to launch an assault on the west coast of the United States hit a snag on Wednesday, as Iran canceled plans to attack California after seeing Gavin Newsom had already destroyed it. The Iranian government had issued threats that it was prepared to take revenge on the U.S. by launching attacks against California, but leaders were said to have reconsidered their plan after intelligence reports showed that the state had been completely decimated under Newsom's leadership. "You can't destroy something that's already destroyed," said a spokesman for the supreme leader. "We...

Iranian regime loyalists displayed a taped-together cardboard cutout of their new supreme leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, who was reportedly injured in recent strikes and has not been seen since his elevation. The makeshift stand-in appeared at a pro-regime rally in Tehran, where organizers brought the life-size cutout of Khamenei onto the stage, according to Israeli journalist Amit Segal. Regime loyalists hailed and swore allegiance to the cutout, which appeared crudely assembled and held together by strips of tape, Segal reported. Khamenei has not appeared in public or issued a statement since being selected as Iran’s new supreme leader on Sunday following...

TEHRAN — Iranian government officials have reached out to the American Democratic Party for advice on how run a country with a dead leader. After enduring mockery for presenting the public a cardboard cutout of the new Ayatollah, Iranian officials decided it was time to reach out for help on how to to go about running a nation lead by a stiff. "We could really use some pointers," said Iranian official Yasser Khosravi. "We worked really hard on 'Cardboard Khamenei', cut out little shoes for him and everything. I thought stapling flowers to his forehead was really a nice touch....

NEW YORK, NY — As giant mutant spiders attacked the Big Apple, many concerned experts across the country expressed worry that the giant attacking spiders could lead to a substantial increase in hateful arachnophobia. The fears grew this week following yet another attack from the giant spiders, resulting in widespread calls for city leaders to take action against them. Analysts urged the public to refrain from falling into such blatant arachnophobic hysteria. "It's disturbing to see such anti-spider sentiment," said New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani. "I implore all New Yorkers, regardless of their backgrounds and political views, to avoid...

TEHRAN — As the conflict in the Middle East stretched into a second week, the Iranian government issued a public statement boasting that it had destroyed hundreds of U.S. missiles with its buildings. Despite losing dozens of members of its leadership, the embattled Ayatollah's regime remained defiant while taunting the world that it had successfully wiped out hundreds — if not thousands — of U.S. missiles, drones, and bombs by blocking them with buildings and military bases throughout the country. "The wreckage of their bombs can be seen strewn throughout the rubble of our cities," new Supreme Leader Mojtaba Khamenei...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With a hard-set face betrayed by tears, President Donald Trump was seen taking Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem out back behind the White House woodshed. Noem, who was on Thursday dismissed from her position as DHS Secretary in favor of Senator Markwayne Mullin, was moved into the role of Special Envoy for The Shield of the Americas — which is coincidentally the official name of the woodshed behind the White House where Trump took her. "It's my responsibility," was all Trump was heard saying. "She was my cabinet member. I'll do it." "Do what, Mr. President?" asked...

Following his primary loss to Steve Toth, Texas Congressman Dan Crenshaw is now looking for a new career path. The Babylon Bee has heard through the Washington grapevine that Crenshaw has cast an eye toward one of the following potential jobs: 1. Monocle model: They reportedly only get paid half as much as models for eyeglasses, though. 2. Stockbroker: His years of success and killer portfolio speak for themselves. 3. Circus act as "The Man with Incredibly Poor Depth Perception": Just don't mix it with knife-throwing. 4. Major League Baseball umpire: He'll fit right in. 5. Full-time telescope operator: Need...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The United States State Department issued an evacuation order for the U.S. embassy located in downtown Minneapolis on Friday, citing concerns over the safety of American citizens in the area. In light of ongoing unrest in the Muslim world, the embassy advised all citizens to leave Minneapolis immediately as they began breaking down their own offices ahead of a final departure back to America. "We've received multiple threats from Minneapolis narcoterrorist groups and believe it is in the best interest of ongoing diplomatic talks to abandon ship before someone tries to kill us," reported Paul Mayfield, U.S....