Free Republic

NASHVILLE, TN — Authorities stated that Kilmar Abrego Garcia arrived without incident in Tennessee today, only to quickly to discover that he had trafficked seven kids from El Salvador on the flight back to the U.S. Already facing several other criminal charges, Garcia's lawyers admitted that his trafficking seven kids on the flight back to an America prison was "not a great look." "Hoo-boy. Could have done without that," said Garcia's defense attorney Stanley Ritten. "Really a bad time to do some human trafficking, to be honest. Senator Van Hollen showing up with Garcia's wife still bruised up, also not...

BOULDER, CO — Federal Judge Gordon Gallagher issued an emergency ruling blocking the deportation of the terrorist Mohamed Soliman and ordering the Jewish people he burned to be set back on fire. The ruling will require the elderly Jewish people recently released from burn wards to be gathered back together for Molotov cocktails to be chucked at them until all of them are once again ablaze. "Soliman and his family have done nothing but stay here illegally and light Jews on fire. There is simply no cause for the Trump administration to seek their deportation," stated Gallagher in his ruling....

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a merciful miracle, the Spirit of the Lord strengthened Elon one last time to push the pillars of Congress over, bringing the government crashing down. According to sources at the Capitol, the miracle occurred just in time to stop Congress's "big, beautiful" spending bill from being passed, while also causing the entire Capitol Building to violently collapse. Experts say the bill now has little chance of passage, as it is buried in rubble along with several hundred politicians. "Elon called to the Lord," said one witness. "He said, 'O Lord God, please remember me and...

GAZA — The tables were turned on the infamous terrorist organization today, with horrified Hamas agreeing to a full and unconditional surrender to Israel if Europe would agree to take Greta Thunberg back. The well-known left-wing activist was said to be en route to Gaza by sea to make her presence felt in peace negotiations between the two warring sides, leaving Hamas scrambling to do whatever was necessary to stave off her arrival. "Please, don't let this happen! We will do whatever it takes to keep her away," said Hamas spokesterrorist Abu Muhammed Zahir. "While we have a reputation for...

BOULDER, CO — The controversy surrounding a horrific attack over the weekend continued today, as a Colorado court ruled that Jewish victims must bake a cake for the terrorist who lit them on fire. The ruling, handed down early Monday morning after Sunday's terrorist attack in which a Muslim illegal alien from Egypt viciously burned Jewish people at a pro-Israel event, mandated that the badly burned victims of the attack bake their assailant a cake within the next 30 days or face consequences. "Refusal to bake a cake for the man who burned them would be horribly prejudiced," said District...

CHICAGO, IL — In an incident that brought swift condemnation from Democrats across the country, a local man was immediately arrested and charged with a hate crime for casting a shadow on a Pride crosswalk. The brazen act was allegedly perpetrated by a man later identified as Leonard Morgan, an electrician who claimed to have simply "walked by" the crosswalk on his way to a customer's house. Witnesses said Morgan's shadow could be clearly seen being cast over the crosswalk for over two seconds, which was a clear violation of the law. "There's no place in this city — or...

MT. VERNON, VA — In a massive scandal upending centuries of historical beliefs, researchers have discovered that George Washington signed the vast majority of his orders with an auto-feather device. "After careful study and research of early American history, we've discovered a device called the 'Auto-Feather' that George Washington used to sign pretty much every one of his presidential orders," historian Fineas T. Barlow told the press. "We have even learned he used the auto-feather device to issue military orders and even to sign letters to his wife." Historians discovered the auto-feather while looking through an old storage cupboard in...

ANTARCTICA — With the unexpected growth of the polar ice caps ruining his climate campaign, a frustrated Al Gore was seen blowing a hair dryer at the ice caps in a desperate bid to get them melting again. Gore reportedly mounted a dangerous expedition to the southern ice caps armed with only hair dryers and aerosol cans, resolved to either stop the ice cap growth himself or to punch a hole in the ozone layer and let the sun do the work. "Come on, melt baby," said Gore, shivering. "You're killing me. Stupid cold weather making stupid ice and causing...

The Democratic Party is struggling with approval among men. They know they're going to have to turn that around if they want to have any chance in 2028. To help the Democrats out, The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of things the party is planning to do to win back male voters: Beards: Having hair on your face automatically makes you look more competent, no matter how feminine you may act. Create more young men by trans-ing young women: Soon, women will no longer exist, and the Democrats will have all the men. More butt slaps: It...

CAMBRIDGE, MA — With the Trump administration banning Harvard University from taking international students, the school was forced to begin accepting students from Ohio. "I can't believe I'm doing this," said Harvard Dean of Admissions Phil Donahue. "I never thought we would fall so far. I've spent my entire life trying to never even speak to someone from Ohio, much less allow them into Harvard. This is rock bottom."

U.S. — Washington was abuzz with the news that Elon Musk had officially stepped down from his duties as head of the Department of Government Efficiency. Musk said he will now spend his time tackling the much easier job of sending human beings to Mars. Musk started DOGE with Vivek Ramaswamy and hit the ground running on President Donald Trump's first day back in office. While Ramaswamy quickly abandoned the venture after coming to the conclusion that running for governor of Ohio was easier than cutting wasteful spending in Washington, D.C., Musk stayed on for several more months before he...

LONDON — Following years of leniency amidst increasing reports of widespread sexual assaults, the United Kingdom's Home Office, in conjunction with the Metropolitan Police Service, finally announced a crackdown on Muslim rapists. "Enough is enough," Home Secretary Yvette Cooper announced during a joint press conference with the Metropolitan Police Service. "We respect your culture and your way of life, but we've decided to hold Muslim men accountable for committing acts of rape. A couple of them, at least." The United Kingdom has tolerated rape perpetrated by Muslims for years but, according to sources, the straw that finally broke the camel's...

U.S. — After spending hundreds of millions of dollars on political consultants to learn how to win men back, the Democratic Party unveiled its new strategy of having a gay guy grow a beard. As men have left the Democratic Party in droves over the past several elections, Democrats believe they can reverse the tide by having a very small homosexual man sprout a light beard. "This will do the trick," said political consultant Dan Jennings as he rubbed more Rogaine onto Pete Buttigieg's jawline. "If you want to win back men, there is nothing better than a homo...

After WNBA players reported racial slurs being yelled by fans, the league launched an investigation which turned up truly sickening results. Here are the eleven racial slurs that are often heard at WNBA games: "Let's go Fever, let's go": Literally cheering for white people. Disgusting. "Aaaaair-ball": Yelling about air while black people can't breathe? These are monsters we're dealing with. "Hot doooogs, get yer hot doooogs!": Bet they're served on a white bun. Does the bigotry know no bounds? "DE-FENSE": Chanting to defend the status quo of white supremacy. This has no place in sports. "Daddy, I have to go...

The Babylon Bee was saddened to learn of the passing of former President Joe Biden. [Note: Make sure this does not get published until it is 100% confirmed that he died.] Born in 1871 as a poor black child, Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. grew up in the vast wasteland of Delaware. As a young boy foraging for sustenance in the unsettled Delawarean tundra, Joe learned the benefits of determination, American ingenuity, and a hard day's work. [Note: Confirm birth year — may have been much earlier.] As a young lifeguard and vagabond, Joe witnessed the nation's conversion from a loose...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Tensions stemming from the ongoing negotiations between Russia and Ukraine to bring the years-long war to an end threatened to boil over once again, as President Donald Trump responded to Vladimir Putin's charge of him being emotional with an all-caps social media post. After the Russian president publicly speculated that his American counterpart was responding too emotionally, Trump posted a scathing denial on social media in all capital letters to inform Putin of just how off-base he was. "ABSOLUTELY FALSE AND A COMPLETELY STUPID THING TO SAY," Trump's message began. "IF CRAZY PUTIN THINKS I AM BEING...

The Babylon Bee would like to announce that we have officially joined National Public Radio in suing the government for not giving us tens of millions of dollars. The Bee only recently became aware that the government is supposed to give us a bunch of money for reporting the news. Apparently, the government not giving us truckloads of cash is totally illegal. Our not knowing that was frankly a pretty big oversight, and we fired all of our lawyers as a result. We hired new lawyers though, and they filed a motion this morning to join NPR's lawsuit in order...

CAPE TOWN — In response to public outcry accusing the country's regime of engaging in genocide, South African President Cyril Ramaphosa assured people that skulls of murdered white farmers were just Halloween decorations. Concerns were raised after white farmers sought to flee the country and find refuge elsewhere, leading President Ramaphosa to clarify that the decomposing skulls displayed in piles outside the land once owned by white farmers were just festive decor. "Halloween happens during the summer here in South Africa," Ramaphosa told reporters. "Traditionally, we are a people who take great pride in our Halloween decorations. The decaying human...

HANOI — Rumors about a potential domestic spat that may have turned ugly were put to rest today, as French President Emmanuel Macron assured reporters that he had just fallen down some stairs again. Macron's latest spill down the steps occurred just as reports indicated that he had been physically accosted by his wife, Brigitte, just as the couple was set to emerge from their plane after landing in Hanoi on Monday. "It's fine. I'm fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?" Macron replied to media questions while gingerly touching a swollen and bruised eye. "I...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another stage in the escalating trade conflict with China, President Donald Trump issued a statement insisting that the next Chinese pandemic be made in America. According to President Trump, Americans deserve more than "cheap, knock-off kung flu." As such, the president also vowed to bring virus-manufacturing jobs back from Wuhan to the United States. "Why import these viruses when we can make them right here at home?" Trump said in brief remarks to reporters. "Everybody complains to me about these sad, cheaply made Chinese global pandemics. They say, 'Don, when are you going to bring...