Free Republic

AUGUSTA, ME — The Democratic Party of Maine explained to voters that they can do "no rape" or "no incest", but not both. After carefully reviewing the slate of possible Democratic Senate candidates in Maine, party leaders informed voters that they'll simply have to settle for one or the other. "What do these people expect from us when they say we can't run a rapist?" said party leader Mike Prather. "Once you take all of the rapists out of the equation, it's just a bunch of liberals sleeping with their cousins. Those are your options, Maine. Honestly, we're getting pretty...

AFGHANISTAN — Members of the Al-Qaeda terrorist organization are reportedly kicking themselves for all of the work they did pulling off 9/11 when they could have just run for mayor of New York City. Al-Qaeda leader (Emir) Saif al-Adel admitted to feeling quite jealous of Zohran Mamdani's success as mayor and wishes he had thought of it. "Boy, do I have egg on my face. Let me tell you, it was a terrible idea in retrospect," Saif said. "All of my friend got killed, and I could have just run for mayor instead! Oy vey!" Mohammad al-Rabbi, assistant to the...

You may have recently realized that prominent figures can easily slide off the hook by pleading the Fifth Amendment, but did you know it's possible to plead the Fifth at home as well? Husbands, stop incriminating yourselves by simply pleading the Fifth when faced when any of these eight questions: "If I die first, how long until you remarry?": There is no answer here that does not lead to your untimely death. "Am I becoming like my mother?": Brother, this is why the Fifth Amendment was invented. "Are you sad you married me and not my sister Rachel?": Keep...

AUSTIN, TX — Over the course of a ninety-minute transaction, Elon Musk became the sole and absolute owner of The Economist. Though Musk had no reported prior interest in the aging magazine, Musk acquired total ownership of the company during a sit-down with The Economist's Zanny Beddoes. "Well, that didn't quite go as planned," sighed Beddoes, handing over her employee badge to Musk. "Here you go, Elon. I'll, uh, just see myself out." Musk, for his part, offered Beddoes the option to stay on with the company, on the condition that she do actual journalism. Beddoes made several loud screeching...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Science has declined to answer any questions to avoid incriminating itself for crimes it may have committed. Upon being brought in for a Congressional hearing over its handling of the COVID-19 pandemic, Science stated that it was advised by its attorneys to not answer questions so as to not to provide damaging witness against itself. "Science has elected to exercise its fifth amendment right to not provide testimony that may be used against it in criminal proceedings," said Science's attorney Jay Varner. "This decision should in no way be taken as an admission of guilt by Science....

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Science has declined to answer any questions to avoid incriminating itself for crimes it may have committed. Upon being brought in for a Congressional hearing over its handling of the COVID-19 pandemic, Science stated that it was advised by its attorneys to not answer questions so as to not to provide damaging witness against itself. "Science has elected to exercise its fifth amendment right to not provide testimony that may be used against it in criminal proceedings," said Science's attorney Jay Varner. "This decision should in no way be taken as an admission of guilt by Science....

There are a lot of voices out there. Do you know which ones your car is listening to? If you're not careful, your own vehicle may fall under the spell of a dangerous and radical ideology. Here are some of the signs that your car may have been radicalized: The beard and turban are dead giveaways: This might be your first clue that something is wrong. The GPS navigation voice keeps shouting "Allahu Akbar!" instead of saying normal things like, "At the light, make a left": It almost certainly didn't come like that from the factory. The brakes seem...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats issued a forceful condemnation today of Dr. Anthony Fauci's diary for its vicious attacks against science. Senator Chuck Schumer warned that the diary contained several dangerous conspiracy theories, such as that COVID-19 was a man-made bioweapon that was leaked from a Chinese lab. "These are not attacks on a mere person. This diary is attacking science itself," said Schumer. "The assertions made by this diary about COVID having far lower mortality than believed is a disgusting attempt to whitewash the truth. Statements like this by the diary could literally kill millions of people. We hereby denounce...

NEW YORK, NY — After personally declaring war on the Jewish people, Mayor Zohran Mamdani issued a forceful condemnation of the rise of violence against Jews. In the wake of more Jewish New Yorkers being targeted by a Muslim terrorist, Mamdani stated there was no place for violence against those evil, child-murdering pieces of scum that need to die. "I am appalled by the spike in attacks since I declared war on the Jews," said Mamdani. "These stabbing attacks on elderly Jewish New Yorkers are horrifying. We will not tolerate such violence against the Jews, who, I must reiterate, need...

Mad Max/Road Warrior spoof. Hero is black capitalist, road reavers are leftard redistributionists after his load of petrol.

There's no denying the natural order of things — there are some things women are just plain better at than men. Being aware of these things can help life go more smoothly. Here are things women are irrefutably better at than men: Having X chromosomes: They're literally twice as good as men are at this. Growing human beings inside of them: There has yet to be a man to accomplish this feat. Making sandwiches: This isn't even close. Allowing sin into the world: Another historic achievement that has never been matched. Finding the milk carton in the fridge: Dudes can't...

Women may be the fairer sex, but are they the better sex? Research is conclusive that men are better at quite a few things than women. Here are just a few examples: Being created: That's right, men were created first. Get wrecked, ladies. Fatherhood: Women are terrible dads. Growing a handlebar mustache and twirling it mischievously: Have you seen the women with mustaches? Not very impressive. Clogging toilets: Also, unclogging toilets. Thinking about Ancient Rome: Research suggests women never think about Ancient Rome, which is literally insane. Being President of the United States: Try harder, women. Moving furniture: Wherever...

Famed progressive CNN pundit Van Jones is blasting the far left for pushing “crazy ideas” and “turds” — while warning the mainstream of the Democratic Party is too worn down to rein in the extremists. “I’m a strong Democrat, with a winning bipartisan track record. I’m rooted in progressive ideals and policies: criminal justice reform, Green New Deal, Medicare for All, free education, clean air and water. These are ideas I have fought for my entire adult life,” Jones said on X over the weekend. “But some people in groups like the DSA are pushing an agenda FAR outside those...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — America's election woes are finally at an end, as President Donald Trump announced an exciting new plan to put all voting booths inside Olive Garden restaurants. "You can vote for your next county clerk while enjoying unlimited pasta and breadsticks," Trump said. "I'm the only one that could have made a deal like this." According to sources, Trump had long been frustrated with Congress' refusal to act on election security, forcing him to make a deal with Olive Garden as part of an official executive order. "It occurred to me — because I'm brilliant, I'm a really...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats disputed claims that China interfered in the 2020 U.S. election, declaring that they are perfectly capable of rigging elections without China's help. In a passionate primetime address, President Donald Trump rebuked China for what he called the "largest compromise of election data in history" and called on lawmakers to pass legislation to secure future elections. This only served to offend Democrats, however, who insisted they are perfectly capable of rigging elections without any foreign assistance whatsoever. "Trump wants you to believe Democrats are working with China to undermine election integrity," Senator Chuck Schumer said, responding to...

At long last, the wait is over — President Joe Biden has written a memoir about his time in the White House. The book, titled Promise Me, America, will be released this fall following the November midterm elections, but that wasn't the only title that was pitched. Here is an exclusive list of potential titles that were rejected: 1. If You Don't Read This, You Ain't Black: Close, but the marketing team wanted to cast a wider net. 2. My Time As, You Know, The Thing: All the trademark clarity of his presidency in one phrase. 3. Two Scoops of...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth issued a new order that any military member who is discovered to have low testosterone be immediately transferred to the Navy. Hegseth initiated mandatory testosterone testing for all members of the armed forces, and any soldier whose numbers fall below the normal range will instantly be reassigned to the Navy and issued a dandy little sailor outfit. "There are three possible results for your testosterone labs: high, normal, or welcome to the Navy," said Hegseth. "Let's trade in those fatigues for a cute hat and kerchief. Next stop, step up and...

DOHA — With the U.S. blockade of the important waterway back on amid renewed hostilities in Iran, President Donald Trump announced that he would secure the Strait of Hormuz by posting an old man who asks you three questions before you may pass. The old man, who was reportedly discovered by U.S. military officials as he guarded a rickety bridge over a chasm in rural Britain known as the Gorge of Eternal Peril, will now be stationed on a dinghy in the Strait of Hormuz, where he will bar the passage of any vessel unless its crew can answer...

https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-orders-smithsonian-to-display-exhibit-of-old-cracker-barrel-logoWASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of his comprehensive overhaul of America's national museums, President Donald Trump ordered the Smithsonian to display an exhibit of the now-defunct Cracker Barrel logo. Trump vowed that the beloved piece of American history would be immortalized for all time. "We must never forget this beautiful American logo," Trump said to cheers from his supporters. "With a strong and terrific country gentleman in a rocking chair, leaning on a big, tremendous barrel. Everyone loved it, and the woke Democrats took it away from us. But we're going to bring it back. We're gonna put it in...

SACRAMENTO, CA — Following reports that activists were pushing the introduction of Black English in California preschools, Governor Gavin Newsom proudly proclaimed: "We finna teach da' homies Black English, yo!" The California governor confirmed that he has many black friends and, as such, wanted to make Black English a centerpiece to every child's educational experience. "Because we want every child to learn to communicate with our black brothers and sisters, ya dig?" he said. California Department of Education officials were initially hesitant to add Black English to the preschool curriculum, but completely caved once Newsom showed how fluent he was...