Free Republic

SAN FRANCISCO - The National Guard has been called to California's Golden City to neutralize a 600-foot-tall Katie Porter, who is apparently rampaging her way through San Francisco. Porter, a frontrunner in California's gubernatorial race, reportedly began roaring and growing to an unusual size after a reporter asked her a question. "You didn't ask her a question, did you? Oh no! She hates that!" cried Mayor Daniel Lurie as the hulking monstrosity smashed a giant hole in the the Transatlantic tower. "There's no stopping her now! Run! Run for your lives!" "BLLAAAAWWWRRRGGHHHHH!" responded Porter before swallowing a cable car....

HELL — The founder of Islam expressed continued frustration with Democrats on Wednesday, calling them out for referring to Islam as a "religion of peace." "I literally created this religion by murdering people and threatening to murder people," said an exasperated Mohammed. "How do I not get any credit for all that violence? Sometimes, it almost feels like I killed all those people for nothing. It's so disheartening." Mohammed praised the continued work of his followers on earth, who have worked tirelessly to set the record straight. "My followers have continued murdering and raping tens of thousands of people every...

NEW YORK CITY — New York City mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani paraglided into his campaign event today in honor of October 7th and the horrific atrocities committed by Hamas that day. Mamdani chose to pilot the same sort of paraglider that Hamas used to commit mass rape and murder at a music festival, stating that it was the least he could do to extoll the glorious freedom fighters. "What a beautiful anniversary we are celebrating," said Mamdani as he strode from his paraglider to the podium. "Look around you at the New Yorkers wearing Hamas headbands, celebrating women and children...

ARLINGTON, VA — An embarrassed Jay Jones realized earlier this week that he was only supposed to support murdering kids before they were born, not after. Sources say that the Democrat AG candidate who fantasized about murdering Republican children over text was totally mortified to realize that he should have just been publicly supporting the murder of children in the womb instead. "That's my bad," said Jones, slapping his forehead in frustration. "I forgot that you can only want to kill kids before they pass the birth canal, not afterwards. Silly me. I deeply apologize for my texts wishing death...

ALEXANDRIA, VA — At his arraignment on charges of making false statements and obstruction, former FBI Director James Comey produced a letter signed by 51 former intelligence officials testifying to the fact that he's totally innocent. At his highly publicized hearing in a Virginia federal courtroom, Comey produced the letter as evidence to show that these trusted members of the intelligence community were just as confident in his innocence as they were in the fall of 2020 that Hunter Biden's laptop was a Russian misinformation operation. "This is rock-solid proof of my innocence," Comey told the court as he held...

GAZA — The few remaining terrorists keeping up the fight against Israel acknowledged their grim circumstances this week, as the three surviving members of Hamas started to think that maybe their October 7, 2023, wasn't such a great idea. As overheard by a surveillance team, the three terrorist fighters reportedly conferred with each other early Tuesday morning as they huddled together in the rubble of their Gaza hideout, lamenting ever participating in the horrific plan to murder 1,200 people and take 250 others hostage now that it had resulted in Hamas being brought to the brink of extinction. "Hindsight...

Journalist Bari Weiss has taken over CBS news, which may be the end of journalism as we know it. Sources say she is already making aggressive changes to the network. Here is a list of terrifying changes she presented to her employees: 1. Effective immediately, each journalist gets three libels and you're out: This is unreasonably strict. 2. Going forward, reporters are required to include at least one true fact in all stories: This could slow down news production drastically. 3. Feelings no longer count as a valid source: Sources have to be actual living people. 4. Style change when...

LEAWOOD, KS — Following the release of her new album, singer-songwriter Taylor Swift reportedly sat down with her fiancé, football star Travis Kelce, to assure him that her hit new song "Dumb Hairy Football Jock" was not about him. "Don't be silly. It's about some... other... dumb hairy football jock," Swift said. "I mean, not other as in, you are also a dumb football jock, just... look, it's not about you, okay?" According to inside sources, Kelce remained unconvinced as the lyrics to the song directly reference a fight they had months ago, and the jock in the song...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the shutdown of the federal government continues, feral government workers have begun to roam American streets in packs. According to inhabitants of the D.C. area, government workers first reverted to their natural, bloodthirsty state and started hunting in packs after just a few days of boredom with the shutdown. "Yeah, we've had to keep our children indoors on account of the rabid IRS agents," said Sam Johnson, a D.C. native. "It gets pretty creepy some nights when the feral feds get together and start howling at the White House together. The neighbors have all agreed...

INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Legal analysts were stunned by the severity of the penalty handed down in the wake of a weekend stabbing incident, as former NFL player Mark Sanchez was sentenced to five more seasons with the New York Jets. Sanchez, who was arrested following a violent scuffle with a truck driver over a parking spot that led to both men being hospitalized, would now suffer the consequences of his actions by being forced to join the Jets' roster for the next five years. "This punishment is surprisingly cruel," said Sanchez's attorney, Samuel Kreibel. "Yes, my client was engaged in...

NORFOLK, VA — State attorney general nominee Jay Jones was seen relaxing after a stressful day on the campaign trail by repeatedly stabbing his trusty Republican voodoo doll. "Die! I hope you and your children die!" Jones reportedly screamed at the tourist novelty he had picked up from a New Orleans gift shop. "Aww. So relaxing." According to sources, Jones travels everywhere with his Republican voodoo doll, treating it almost like a security blanket. He reportedly bought it back in 2022 after fantasizing about shooting then-Virginia House Speaker Todd Gilbert and wishing death upon his children. "I can't believe I...

VATICAN CITY — The supreme pontiff of the Catholic Church issued a sharp criticism of the Almighty Creator of the universe this week, as Pope Leo XIV publicly condemned God for instituting the death penalty.When asked by the media to comment on critics of the death penalty, the pope singled out the Lord, offering a stinging critique of the Almighty for instituting capital punishment and questioning whether or not God was actually pro-life."I question God's moral standing here," Pope Leo told reporters. "Someone who says, ‘I'm against abortion,' but says, ‘I'm in favor of the death penalty,' is not really...

BRISTOL, CT — ESPN will bring its 45 years of sports coverage to a close as it shifts to exclusively covering the WNBA. After originating the 24-hour sports news cycle and becoming a household staple behind its flagship show "Sportscenter", the network had steadily moved away from sports over the past decade to start covering the WNBA. With ESPN canceling its contract with Major League Baseball, the network has officially shut down its last relationship with a sports league. "We want to bring our audience something besides sports. We want to bring them the WNBA," announced ESPN President James Pitaro....

VATICAN CITY — In a stunning scene this morning, Pope Leo activated his long-dormant ice powers and built a magical ice palace while belting out showtunes. Pope Leo had spent much of his life trying to suppress his ice powers so as not to accidentally hurt those around him, but now let them burst forth unhindered, declaring, "Let it go, let it go, can't hold me back anymore." "That perfect girl is goooone," sang the emotional pontiff, his blue dress sparkling with frozen fractals. "I don't caaaare, what they're goiiing to sayyyy. Let the storm rage oooooon!" Onlookers gaped in...

Netflix has come under fire recently for inserting trans content in its kids' programming. In response to the controversy, the streaming platform revealed plans to revamp its entire children's section with new shows designed to win back angry parents. Check out these 8 new kid-friendly shows: Homomelon: This educational show, designed for preschoolers, guides kids through every letter in the LGBTQ+ pantheon. Dora the Sexuality Explorer: Dora, now in her late teens, takes time away from exploring lost ruins to instead find the most important thing... herself. Mickey Mouse Bathhouse: Any child who watches this show will receive an...

VATICAN CITY — The supreme pontiff of the Catholic Church issued a sharp criticism of the Almighty Creator of the universe this week, as Pope Leo XIV publicly condemned God for instituting the death penalty. When asked by the media to comment on critics of the death penalty, the pope singled out the Lord, offering a stinging critique of the Almighty for instituting capital punishment and questioning whether or not God was actually pro-life. "I question God's moral standing here," Pope Leo told reporters. "Someone who says, ‘I'm against abortion,' but says, ‘I'm in favor of the death penalty,'...

VIDEOSee if you can spot a cameo appearance by The Terminator as Pope Leo and New Age pagans bless a chunk of ice. This video concludes with a chunk of ice turning the tables and blessing all of us in the best way possible.

MANCHESTER — The Crown Prosecution Service announced that charges had been filed against a Jewish synagogue on Thursday for provoking a violent terrorist attack against themselves by being openly Jewish. A synagogue located in Manchester was the site of a deadly attack last week in which two people were killed and three others were injured. Authorities were acting quickly to punish those involved, including the synagogue and its members, for being openly Jewish. "We have a zero tolerance policy for violent stabbing offenses," said Crown Prosecutor Henry Thomas. "That's why we have to punish these Jews for being so Jewish....

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Supreme Court issued a ruling this morning that it is legal for President Donald Trump to be the president. In a 6-3 decision, the court held that since Trump was, in fact, elected to be president, his ability to "do president things" was protected under the law. "The court hereby rules that a president can be president," wrote Justice Amy Coney Barrett, who penned the decision for the majority. "By virtue of being president, that person is the president. I can't freaking believe I'm having to explain this." Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson wrote a scathing dissent...