‘No Thanks,’ Says Hungry Homeless Man After Being Offered Marshmallow Jello Salad

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — New reports indicated that local homeless man John Brill politely yet firmly refused a passerby's offer of free leftover marshmallow jello salad earlier today, despite having not eaten in several days.

According to the individual who attempted to give away the Thanksgiving side dish, Brill's eyes, which had initially lit up at the prospect of finally filling his stomach, were quickly filled with disdain after he saw the colorful marshmallow jello salad.

"No, thanks," Brill said, sadly, returning the container to his would-be Good Samaritan. "I'll just take my chances scrounging up something else, I think. Thanks a lot for offering, though. But no. No way."

Witnesses said Brill's hands were trembling from hunger as he pushed away the vaguely green goo that had been offered to him for free.

"I mean, it looks really good and all, but I'm sure there are other people who are hungrier than I am who could really use this," he said. "It's very kind of you to offer, but, quite frankly, I'd rather die."

At publishing time, the man trying to give away his leftover marshmallow jello salad had found no takers and went home hoping he could toss it over the fence to his neighbor's dog.

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Lime Jell-O Marshmallow Cottage Cheese Surprise (YT video)

Ladies, the minutes will soon be read today
The garden club and weaving class I'm sure have much to say
But next week is our culture night, our biggest, best event
And I've just made a dish for it you'll all find heaven-sent

It's my lime Jell-O marshmallow cottage cheese surprise
With slices of pimento. You won't believe your eyes!
All topped with a pineapple ring and a dash of mayonnaise
My vanilla wafers round the edge will win your highest praise

And Mrs. Jones is making scones that are filled with peanut mousse
To be followed by a chicken mold that's made in the shape of a goose
For ladies who must watch those pounds, we've found a special dish
Strawberry ice enshrined in rice with bits of tuna fish!

And my lime Jell-O marshmallow cottage cheese surprise
Truly a creation that description defies
Will go so well with Mrs. Bell's creation of the week
Shrimp salad topped with chocolate sauce and garnished with a leek

And Mrs. Perkins' walnut loaf that's crowned with melted cheese
Was such a hit last culture night we asked, "No seconds, please."
Now you must try her hot dog pie with candied mushroom slices
Those ladies who resigned last year, they just don't know what nice is

And my lime Jell-O marshmallow cottage cheese surprise
I did not steal that recipe! It's lies, I tell you! Lies!
Our grand award: a picture hat and a salmon sequined gown
For any girl who tries each dish and keeps her whole lunch down

I'm sure you all are waiting for the biggest news: dessert!
We thought of things in molds and rings your diet to subvert
You must try our chocolate layer cake on a peanut brittle base
With slices of bananas that make a funny face
Around the edges, peppermints just swimming in peach custard
With lovely little curlicues of lovely yellow mustard
If all this is too much for you, permit me to advise
More lime Jell-O marshmallow cottage cheese surprise
I've made heaps!

Kit: “Hello. My name is Kit.”

Group: “Hi, Kit.”

Kit: “I like Jell-O with fruit and marshmallows.”

Group: *gulps and looks at floor*

Kit: “I also like Green Bean Casserole. Classic Campbell’s style with fried onions on top.”

Group: *trying not to heave*

~~~~~~~~

I really do like these things. Mmmm. Jell-O. The only Jell-O I like less was when granny put carrot shreds in there. Still ate it though the texture was off.

We have actual Jell-O cookbooks from the 60s and 70s. You’d be amazed if you didn’t grow up with it. Heh.

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