Free Republic

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — As part of their mission to combat misinformation online and ensure accuracy of what people read, Snopes journalists announced plans to personally fact-check the entire San Francisco Poop Map. The initiative will allow Snopes to judge the legitimacy of user-reported sightings of human feces strewn along the city's roadways and provide residents with reliable information on the locations of publicly deposited poo. "Confirming the existence of reported dumps is important," said Snopes journalist Fred Larkin. "We simply cannot allow false reports of human waste to be propagated across social media. There are a lot of people...

Following Donald Trump's masterful recounting of the Battle of Gettysburg, the world has been awaiting his descriptions of other famous battles. That wait is now over, as Trump has provided his synopses of an all-star list of the world's most well-known confrontations. The Babylon Bee is proud to reveal Trump's commentary on the following battles: 1. Battle of Stalingrad: "The Germans came in. You really gotta hand it to Hitler. Bad guy, don't get me wrong. But he came into Stalingrad. Rommel tried to tell him. 'Don't get involved in a land war in Asia, me boys,' he said. But...

NEW YORK, NY — Former U.S. Senator and email expert Hilary Clinton issued a statement this week condemning Donald Trump for allegedly paying hush money to political liabilities instead of just killing them. "How dumb do you have to be?" Clinton told reporters. "There's an easy, tried-and-true method for dealing with people who make your life hard; just call my friend Guido and he takes care of it for you. Or, if you're feeling up for an adventure, DIY!" Hilary Clinton condemned political rival Donald Trump during the former president's campaign finance trial this week for paying out money to...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After workshopping several potential slogans with Democratic focus groups, the 2024 Biden campaign has settled on "Death To America". "This is what the Biden Presidency is all about," announced President Biden as the campaign banner was unfurled. "Death to the Great Satan!" According to sources within the campaign, Biden began considering the slogan after hearing his supporters organically chanting "Death To America" at his speeches. "Nothing fires up a Biden crowd like calling for the violent destruction of the United States," said campaign manager Steve Roscoe. "It's like how whenever Trump needed to juice the crowd in...

U.S. — As struggling American citizens finished filing their taxes this week, many expressed hope that their small contributions will be instrumental in getting the national debt down to a much more manageable $34 trillion. "We know this national debt is a real problem, and we're just happy we can help out," said one couple who just spent the money they were saving for a car to pay an unexpectedly high tax bill for 2023. "We know the government is doing everything it can to use our money wisely and address the debt issue. That really makes the pain of...

REHOBOTH BEACH, DE — Biden reportedly lashed out in anger at aides after they interrupted his beach vacation for the potential start of World War 3. "You interrupted my beach nap...for this?" screamed Biden as he looked at images of Iranian military strikes. "Ugh, what do my generals even do? This is ridiculous." According to Pentagon sources, with American jets on ready near Israel and ships prepared to help shoot down Iranian missiles, they unfortunately had no choice but to bother President Biden. "We know he really hates when we call him during his beach trips, but sadly a massive...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. government has passed a new bill allowing for widespread surveillance of every American citizen — unless, of course, they happen to be carrying cocaine into the White House. The legislation grants unprecedented powers to intelligence agencies to monitor the communications and activities of individuals across the country without obtaining a warrant. Despite pushback from citizens who believe the government ought to obtain a warrant to spy on it own citizens, lawmakers laughed heartily and passed it anyway. However, the bill does carve out an exception for anyone sneaking a little nose candy past the Secret...

U.S. — As campaign season prepares to kick into high gear, Democrat governors in states across the country are promising the American people they will do everything in their power to make elections in their states appear legitimate. With skepticism about the fairness and legitimacy of elections on the rise following questionable incidents in 2020 and 2022, Democrat leaders expressed a strong desire to make sure voters knew that great care was being taken to make it look like the 2024 elections were far less rigged than they will actually be. "Don't worry, everything will seem secure," said California Governor...

ATLANTA, GA — What began as a seemingly harmless visit to a local Chick-fil-A turned into a new legal quagmire for former President Donald Trump, as he was indicted today for taking more sauces than he actually needed for his order. The news broke as Trump made headlines for his positive reception at the popular eatery, with customers and employees fawning over him as he ordered his food. A spokesperson for the Department of Justice held a press briefing to announce the indictment. "We've got him this time," the spokesperson said. "What we saw at Chick-fil-A yesterday was yet another...

In the wake of claiming the moon is made of gas and the sun is "almost" too hot to get close to, Texas Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee has been named the new head of Harvard University's Astronomy Department. The Board of Overseers at the prestigious Ivy League institution was reportedly wowed by Jackson Lee's insights into the cosmos, with the school immediately seeking to get in touch with her about the department head position. "Her knowledge blew us away," said Harvard Interim President Alan Garber. "When she said, 'The moon is made up of mostly gasses. That's why the question...

U.S. — O.J. Simpson has passed away from cancer at the age of 76. According to sources from the afterlife, the former football star is looking forward to asking God who really killed his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson. "I've been racking my brains for decades trying to figure out who may have done it," said Simpson. "It will be great to have all my questions finally laid to rest. I really can't imagine who might have committed such a crime." At publishing time, O.J. Simpson's questions unfortunately remained unanswered after a majority-black jury declared him "not dead."

VATICAN — In a rare instance of its viewpoints aligning with divine truth, the Vatican announced that it had reluctantly sided with God on the subject of gender theory. Despite its ongoing efforts to blur the lines of objective morality and evolve the Catholic Church into a more progressive entity, the Vatican said it had no choice but to take the same position held by Almighty God and condemn gender theory. "We don't do this very often," said one Vatican spokesman. "It's always our policy to try to find a workaround to avoid siding with God on these types of...

With the ground under America literally shaking today, many began wondering - might God be a tad bit angry at us? We at the Bee assembled the best theological minds to help us discern the truth! Check out these signs God might be just slightly angry with your country: 1. The sun is about to be blotted out from the sky: Never a good start. 2. Your symbol for liberty just got struck by lightning: It's almost like some unseen power is trying to tell you something. 3. You have been given over to lust, greed, and endless Fast &...

On the heels of a new study regarding young people with gender dysphoria, Democrats issued a warning to parents to transition their kids quickly before they grow out of it. The new study, which revealed a large percentage of young people with gender dysphoria eventually come to accept their actual gender, has created a new sense of urgency within the Biden administration to make sure parents take action now so that as many children can be transitioned as possible before it's too late. "Chop ‘em up now, folks," Biden said in a statement to American parents. "Let me be clear....

NEW YORK, NY — In a devastating blow for the defense, State Judge Juan Merchan has ordered Donald Trump to immediately cease noticing that the only people trying to put him in jail are Democrats. "Quiet you!" Judge Merchan told Trump in court. "Stop mentioning that everyone in the legal system who is trying to imprison you just so happens to be a member of the Democrat party. It is completely irrelevant." "All instances of Trump noticing this fact will be met with serious legal consequences, which will be administered by Democrats." The expanded gag order comes on the heels...

PALM BEACH, FL — Mar-a-Lago is now worth upwards of $500 million after former President Donald Trump announced he had hung up three paintings by renowned artist Hunter Biden. Trump held a special unveiling party for supporters at Mar-a-Lago's Donald J. Trump Grand Ballroom. The three paintings shown were "Some Colors," "Paint On Canvas," and "Look, A Bird." "They tell me I overvalued this place but, if anything, I undervalued it," Trump told supporters. "But now they can't argue with me because I've got Hunter here. Everyone says 'Where's Hunter? Where is he?' Well, he's here, folks. We've got Hunter...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Doing their part to engage in the day's traditional hijinx, the United States Congress played a hilarious April Fools joke by announcing they are working hard to serve the American people. In the ridiculous gag, timed perfectly to coincide lawmakers assured the public they are toiling tirelessly to devise solutions to the pressing problems faced by everyday Americans, totally owning their constituents in the process. "We promise to do our best," Nancy Pelosi while holding back a snicker during a Congressional press conference. "The American people have our solemn pledge that everything we do in Washington,...

President Biden issued a stern condemnation of Jesus Christ after learning that the Savior of mankind had the audacity to rise from the dead on Biden's "Trans Day Of Visibility"

U.S. — Despite holding a narrow lead in the Senate amid a hotly contested election year, Democrats have issued a nationwide Fetterman recall to address documented instances of malfunctions from the Pennsylvania senator. Democratic leaders reportedly held high-level meetings to discuss potential solutions for the issue of John Fetterman failing to advocate for the party's prescribed positions and regularly acting counter to his manufacturer's programming, leading to a full recall being issued. "We thought he'd be a reliable Democrat, but he's just not functioning correctly," said one Democrat official. "Once a product starts to fail in its intended purpose, it...

NEW YORK, NY — At a high-priced fundraiser in Manhattan last night, three former presidents got together and reminisced about all the good times they had together on that one other island. Presidents Obama, Biden, and Clinton were all present at the lavish event, and sources say they couldn't help but remember the last time they were all together having fun on an island owned by a mutual friend, who is now mysteriously deceased. "Oh wow, what a great party!" exclaimed Biden, according to witnesses. "Is Ghislaine here? Where's Ghislaine? I've got a hankerin' for a massage. Where's Ghislaine?" The...