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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Less than a week after yet another assassination attempt against President Donald Trump, leaders of the Democratic Party pushed back against claims that they are guilty of inciting violence and said anyone who thinks they are should be eliminated by any means necessary. Following accusations that their rhetoric stirred up supporters to commit violent acts against conservatives, prominent Democrats denied engaging in any incitement of political violence and stressed the importance of doing whatever is needed to take out anyone who thinks otherwise. "People who think we incite violence must be taken down," said House Minority Leader...

U.S. — The growing rift between the political right and left in the country became even more evident this week, as a new poll showed that a majority of Democrats believe the Lincoln assassination was staged. Though long held to be a historical fact, a plurality of Democratic voters went on record in a research study to confirm that they now suspect that President Abraham Lincoln was never actually assassinated by John Wilkes Booth, and that the entire incident was simply an elaborate hoax. "That whole situation was suspicious," lifelong Democrat Dean Stinson posted on social media. "Sure, the...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A heated dispute broke out on Capitol Hill on Tuesday as President Donald Trump and Congresswoman Ilhan Omar clashed over whether the correct title of the Apostle Paul's epistle was "Two Corinthians" or "Eleven Corinthians." Sources said the disagreement began when Trump confidently referenced "Two Corinthians" during an impromptu press scrum, only for Omar to correct him that it's actually "Eleven Corinthians." "Excuse me, Mr. President, but it's obviously 'Eleven Corinthians'," said Omar. "Just like 'Eleven Samuel' and 'Eleven Kings'. Frankly, it's embarrassing that I, a Muslim of all people, would have to correct you on the...

Hilarious 1 Minute Video at link.........

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a devastating setback to the Democratic Party, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that they have to stop being racist. In a 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled today that discriminating based on a person's skin color is, in fact, illegal. The verdict comes as a heavy blow to the Democratic Party, which has vowed to keep fighting for the right to be openly racist. The majority opinion, authored in unusually plain English, opens with the line, "Seriously, you guys can't keep doing that," before citing centuries of legal precedent and basic moral reasoning. "This...

The United Nations, in its infinite wisdom has appointed the Islamic Republic of Iran to serve as one of the 34 Vice Presidents of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Review Conference on Monday, which is set to review the nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT). The decision was made by a bloc of non-aligned and other states, typically composed of developing and non-nuclear countries. BREAKING: The U.N. just elected the Islamic Republic of Iran as one of the Vice Presidents of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Review Conference.Bravo to the U.S., UAE, Australia, UK, France and Germany for objecting.Last time, only 🇺🇸 spoke out: https://t.co/bmhFp2gKEw https://t.co/Ije4bXbV7u...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a the wake of yet another failed assassination attempt against President Trump, leading Democrats across the nation announced they would observe the long-standing tradition of a five-minute pause in calling Trump "literally Hitler". "This is a time for healing, reflection, and lowering the temperature. Specifically, five minutes' time," said Representative Hakeem Jeffries. "Ugh, this five minutes is killing me. Has it really only been thirty seconds? Time passes so slowly when you're not calling someone Hitler." The coordinated pause began immediately after politicians had finished copying and pasting their public statements from the last assassination attempt...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A furious Representative Nancy Pelosi condemned an American soldier for engaging in insider trading without telling her first. The Special Forces soldier, who used inside knowledge of Maduro's planned capture to make a fortune trading on Polymarket, is accused of completely failing to loop the longtime congresswoman and former Speaker of the House in on the trade beforehand. "I am completely appalled that a soldier would use his inside knowledge to score a nice profit without me," said Pelosi. "Not sending me this hot tip ahead of time reflects a complete lack of integrity and sound judgment....

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington Democrats defended their unquenchable thirst for unlimited power on Thursday, confirming that saving democracy requires one party to seize total power and rule forever. According to long-held American values, true freedom is only possible with the consent of the governed. A government by the people, and for the people, naturally disrupts authoritarianism and leads to lasting contentment. Democrats, however, disagree. "The only way to protect life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness — as our founders envisioned — is to wrest control of the government from the people and mandate love through unassailable government regulation," explained...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following months of urging from President Trump and the American people to pass the SAVE Act and secure the integrity of U.S. elections, the party that promised to save America announced that it wasn't really interested in saving America anymore. Republican leaders in the Senate held a press conference on Tuesday to officially set aside any plan to move forward with the SAVE Act, citing a waning desire to fulfill countless campaign promises to save the country. "We know we campaigned on saving the country, but honestly, we don't really care," said Senate Majority Leader John Thune....

NEW YORK, NY — Former President Barack Obama and current New York City Mayor Zorhan Mamdani delighted preschool students this week by taking turns reading passages from the Communist Manifesto. "The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles," Obama recited to the kids. "The bourgeoisie cannot exist without constantly revolutionising the instruments of production, and thereby the relations of production, and with them the whole relations of society. Right, kids?" The preschoolers looked on in admiration and slight confusion as the two politicians continued their reading, pausing only to make sure the kids were...

SOUTH PADRE ISLAND, TX — SpaceX team members were left confused and awkwardly unsure about how to respond when founder Elon Musk emerged from a darkened room on 4/21 with bloodshot eyes and a relaxed smile while asking if anyone had seen his Starship rocket. The Starship launch had taken place, as scheduled, on 4/20, resulting in a successful liftoff before the rocket exploded in what SpaceX called a "rapid unscheduled disassembly." Though it was still considered a successful test, team members were uncertain about how to break the news of the spacecraft's destruction to Musk, who had been enjoying...

U.S. — Local man Richard Manfred was arrested today after failing to give attention to a matter despite President Trump thanking him for his attention to the matter. President Trump had very generously expressed appreciation for Manfred's attention to this matter, but Manfred made no effort whatsoever to give the matter his attention. "Lock him up," said Trump, after learning of Manfred's negligence. "How can I say 'Thank you for your attention to this matter' if the matter was not given attention? That would make me a liar. Making me out to be a liar is illegal and anyone...

VATICAN CITY — Seated inside a fortress with 40-foot walls and surrounded by Swiss guards, Pope Leo XIV cautioned the rest of the world's population not to fear mass Islamic migration. After condemning anyone opposed to their country being overrun by Muslims, the pope then ordered the doors of the Vatican sealed as he hopped into his bulletproof car. "You must lovingly accept anyone into your country, even if they want very much to kill you," explained the Supreme Pontiff. "Do not put up high walls to protect yourself. Do not close yourself in a church with others like yourself....

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of ongoing ceasefire negotiations with Iran to bring the weeks-long conflict to a close, U.S. President Donald Trump announced that the Strait of Hormuz had been officially renamed as the "Donald J. Trump Straight of America." The strait remained under military blockade as tense negotiations continued, with Trump publicly declaring that the U.S. had taken control of the waterway and christened it with a new title named after his two favorite things — himself and America. "It is now the greatest strait of all time," Trump said in a post to Truth Social. "Other straits...

VATICAN CITY — President Donald Trump escalated his feud with Pope Leo this morning, nailing a copy of The Art of the Deal to the door of the Vatican. "Here I stand, and can do no other," declared Trump as he drove the nail into the Vatican door. "My conscience is captive to making the best deals. If the haters and losers like Pope Leo can't handle that, too bad. I cannot and will not recant anything about the elements of the deal and why I make the best deals of anyone." A crowd of onlookers stood in stunned silence...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the sudden resignation of California Representative Eric Swalwell over sexual assault charges, analysts speculated that there were now just 534 perverts remaining in the United States Congress. According to political experts, there are typically 535 perverts in Congress at any given time, with 435 perverts in the House, and 100 perverts in the Senate. However, the temporary vacancy left by Swalwell's departure has left Congress with the unusual number of 534 total perverts. "This is not as many pervs as we're used to around here," said Congressional aide Tracy Johnson. "Usually, every office I walk by...

VATICAN CITY — In an escalation of the public feud between the U.S. president and the supreme pontiff of the Catholic Church, Pope Leo XIV shared an AI-generated photo of himself dressed as Donald Trump. After President Trump shared a controversial AI-generated image of himself with overt religious imagery on the heels of bashing the pope, the pontiff retaliated by releasing his own image depicting himself with a distinctly Trump-like appearance and sitting in the Oval Office. Critics immediately bashed the image as being blasphemous. "This image is highly offensive," one social media user said. "For the pope to...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump told reporters on Monday that he wasn't concerned about his recent dip in popularity or the controversy that resulted from his posting of a social media image depicting himself as Christ, boldly predicting that his approval ratings would be resurrected in three days. Trump's popularity had slipped as of late, following a tweet of himself as a Christ-like figure and the ongoing war in Iran. Even his most ardent supporters, who had continued to champion him through various scandals, were put off by what they called a sacrilegious depiction of himself in place of Jesus....

In a historic ecumenical breakthrough, devout Roman Catholics finally found common ground with Protestants in ignoring what the pope says most of the time. The reconciliation between the two long-opposed factions came right after Pope Leo XIV said something that both sides decided to ignore. The key moment happened when conservative, traditional Roman Catholic believers realized that if the pontiff did not speak "ex cathedra," then they were not really obligated to agree with or follow whatever thing he just said. "I would always groan whenever I saw him talking on television about war or immigration or climate change," said...