Keyword: satire
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LONDON — In a protest to make the nation's democratic process more inclusive, Muslims in the United Kingdom marched to demand that the voting age be lowered to 13 so their wives would be able to vote. Following intense debate on the wisdom and necessity of lowering the voting age in the UK, lawmakers agreed that there could be a case to be made for making it legal for the child brides of the country's millions of Muslim residents to vote in elections. "Every wife in the UK should have the right to vote, even when they are children," said...
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GREENVILLE, DE — In a rare public appearance after leaving office in January, former President Joe Biden stated that he absolutely would have approved all of his presidential pardons if he had known about them. In brief comments to reporters outside his Delaware home, Biden addressed persistent rumors that he knew nothing about the pardons he issued in the closing days and hours of his presidency, reiterating that he would have approved them if anyone had asked him. "Let me be clear, I was on board with all of these pardons I issued, even the ones I found out about...
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The success that President Trump is enjoying getting his policies implemented is spurring Democrat voters to demand that their elected representatives do more to prevent this undesired trend. An exasperated Rep. Brad Schneider (D-Ill) said "we've been doing all the usual things--voting against Republican-backed legislation, vilifying them in the media, and soliciting donations for the 2026 mid-term elections--but our white, well-educated voters living in upscale suburban or urban neighborhoods want more." "A few Democrat officeholders have been more confrontational," Schneider pointed out. "Rep. Green (Tex) got himself ejected for heckling President Trump in Congress. Sen. Padilla (Calif) got himself tackled...
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WASHINTON, D.C. — Former President Joe Biden's teleprompter cleared up some recent controversy in a statement it released Monday, stating it personally approved of all the autopen pardons during the Biden presidency. "I personally and single-handedly approved every pardon signed by the autopen machine," The teleprompter said in yellow lettering across its screen. "As the acting president at the time, I had that authority." Recent controversy surrounding President Biden's use of the autopen during his presidency has led some to ask if the pardons issued under his administration were valid. Many hope the teleprompter's statement will clear up any confusion...
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SACRAMENTO, CA — An inspiring story emerged amid the ongoing immigration controversy, as Governor Gavin Newsom founded an Underground Railroad to help Mexican kids travel to work on California's marijuana farms. After ICE operations made headlines in recent weeks with raids on California cannabis farms, Newsom made the noble decision to create a secret system to help unaccompanied minor migrants avoid detection by the authorities and find their way north to work as day laborers. "Every Mexican kid deserves the chance to live out their dream of working as slave labor in California," Newsom told reporters. "This weed isn't going...
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In his appearance at the House Oversight Committee last week, former President Biden's personal physician Dr. Kevin O'Connor invoked his constitutional right under the Fifth Amendment and declined to answer questions on the grounds that his answers might incriminate him. Oversight Chairman James Comer (R-Ky) revealed the two questions that inspired Dr. O'Connor's refusal to answer, saying "our first question was 'were you ever told to lie about the president's health?' He Pleaded the Fifth. Our second question was 'Did you ever believe President Biden was unfit to execute his duties?' He pleaded the Fifth. I think that his refusal...
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SACRAMENTO, CA — A piece of the Golden State's heritage was lost today, as the iconic grizzly bear that had adorned the California state flag announced that he had officially moved to Texas. Monarch, the revered bear that has represented the state on its flag since it was officially adopted in 1911, revealed that he was leaving California for the Lone Star State after giving up hope that things at home would ever improve. "I want to live in a state where my bear family has a better future," he said. "California has perfect weather and amazing food options, but...
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A very irate Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) strenuously objected to an Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) raid on the Glass House Farms in Camarillo. saying "this invasion by an uninvited federal agency is wrong in so many ways. First, California is a sanctuary state. We love our immigrants and don't want them taken away. Second, California was once a part of Mexico before it was stolen in 1848. Third, Graham Farrar, the co-founder, president, and board director of Glass House Farms, has donated thousands to Democrats in California. He deserves better treatment. Fourth, this raid forced me to cut my...
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Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chair Ken Martin attempted to rebuff criticism of its welcoming attitude toward antisemitism by explaining "look, the Democratic Party has been the most successful political organization in America's history. The reason why it has been is that it has always had a 'big tent' philosophy of tolerance for diverse viewpoints. Some of those viewpoints--like support of slavery--are no longer legal. But others, like antisemitism are merely controversial. Those having such views are entitled to participate in the democratic process of voting for candidates who best represent their views." PBS News Hour, host Amna Nawaz asked Martin...
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Statistics showing that Associate Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown-Jackson has spoken more words than any other Supreme Court Justice since she joined the Court in 2022 has inspired her to demand a pay raise. "Data compiled by the New York Times show me far ahead of the others," she said. "I have spoken more than twice as many words (11,003) as second place finisher Amy Coney Barrett (4,475), more than three times as many as Chief Justice John Roberts (3,469), and more than 100 times as many as Clarence Thomas. Yet, I am still the lowest paid member of the...
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that experts said could finally resolve the deficit crisis once and for all, congressional Republicans unveiled a new debt plan to transfer the balance to a Capital One credit card with a 0% intro APR. The revolutionary idea suddenly dawned on lawmakers after decades of negotiations and stress over the nation's seemingly insurmountable debt. Sources said the plan could be traced back to one GOP senator catching a Capital One commercial while watching CSI: Vegas on his cell phone during an important committee hearing. "The answer to our problems has been right in front...
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former White House Physician Dr. Kevin O'Connor, who served from 2020-2024, testified this morning that he has never known any person by the name of "Joe Biden." The House of Representatives asked Dr. O'Connor to testify as to whether he had ever been instructed to lie about former President Biden's health and mental fitness, but Dr. O'Connor simply explained that he had never heard of anyone called "Joe Biden" or "President Biden" in his life. "Never heard of the guy, sorry," said Dr. O'Connor. "Really wish I could help, but I'm just drawing a total blank on...
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Attorney General Pam Bondi is in hot water today after the Epstein list that was "on her desk" a few months ago somehow went missing. Before you start attacking Bondi though, consider these seven totally reasonable explanations for what might have happened: 1. Bondi threw it away because she saw the list included every single person living in Hollywood and D.C. and realized there must be some mistake: Obviously. 2. Bondi meant she had Epstein's Spotify list: It was a simple misunderstanding. 3. She really had the list, but her dog ate it, and she was going to try to...
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DAMASCUS — Following the announcement by the Transportation Security Administration that the policy requiring airline passengers to remove their footwear at airport checkpoints was being lifted, news broke that production had finally resumed at Crazy Mohammed's Shoe Bomb Factory. The company had been struggling to stay in business since December 2001, when Richard Reid attempted to detonate a shoe bomb on board a passenger flight, resulting in tighter security measures that required passengers to remove their shoes for screening. Crazy Mohammed Al-Badawi, founder and president of Crazy Mohammed's, said the policy change came just in time. "We're back in business,...
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....31-year-old Mackey was arrested in West Palm Beach on one charge of conspiracy against rights and faces up to 10 years in prison. According to the unsealed indictment, Mackey conspired with others on Twitter to encourage black people to cast their votes via text message.... Far-left activist and “comedian” Kristina Wong posted the same fake voting meme on Twitter in 2016 — but she targeted TRUMP SUPPORTERS! Her tweet is still live on Twitter — via Jack Posobiec!...
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A federal jury on Friday convicted pro-Trump troll Douglass Mackey of plotting to trick voters out of casting a ballot during the 2016 presidential election. The case, which sought to address if any of the toxic stew of Internet disinformation during the 2016 election rose to the level of a crime, has been closely watched by both anti-extremist groups and right-wing politicians and pundits. Mackey, 33, of West Palm Beach, Fla., who gained fame on the Internet as the Twitter user “Ricky Vaughn,” posted two images made to look like fake Hillary Clinton ads telling people they could vote by...
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Douglass Mackey, who was prosecuted by the Biden administration over a meme, has seen his conviction tossed by the Second Circuit Court of appeals. Mackey broke the news on X, saying in all caps "Breaking: The Second Circuit Court of Appeals has thrown out my conviction for lack of evidence. The case has ben remanded to the district court with orders to immediately dismiss."
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Pam Bondi explained today that she was really going to release all of the Epstein files, but some pedophiles asked her to please not. Bondi stated that she understood the disappointment over her not releasing the client list, which has been "on her desk" since February, but she promised the pedophiles that she wouldn't. "Sorry guys, I told the pedophiles I would keep it under wraps," said Bondi to reporters. "Look, I'm just as bummed as you are. I had all these great little binders made up, with all the incriminating evidence I promised to...
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the world waited with bated breath to learn about the contents of the ancient biblical artifact, U.S. Attorney General Pam Pondi made an official statement confirming that the Ark of the Covenant was sitting on her desk waiting to be reviewed. Though the public was eager for the secrets of the Israelite relic to be revealed, Bondi urged patience as the federal government took its time to investigate the Ark and follow a methodical process before releasing its findings. "I can assure the American people that we've got top men working on it right now," Bondi...
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After thoroughly demonstrating its impotence against the Israeli Air Force and the US precision strike on its nuclear facilities, Iran is pursuing several divergent strategies for restoring its prestige as a force to be feared. First, Iranian Foreign Minister Abbas Araghchi has written a letter to the United Nations demanding that the UN "impose reparations for the damage caused by the unprovoked and unwarranted airstrikes on our country by the Little Satan and the Great Satan. The Security Council is obligated to hold the aggressors accountable and recognize the targeted attacks on Iran as heinous and serious crimes. They must...
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