Free Republic

In a bizarre display of intergenerational opportunism, Medicare Supplemental Insurance salesman Jerry Jenkins has been raking in the dough by targeting the unlikeliest of demographics: Baby Boomers participating in the No Kings Day protests against Trump's alleged authoritarianism. Yes, you read that right-Boomers, armed with inflatable unicorns and "America Has No Kings" signs, are storming the streets, and Jenkins is right behind them, clipboard in hand. "I mean, who better to sell to than people already primed to trust the government?" Jenkins mused, adjusting his plaid suit. "They're like, 'We need to protect democracy-oh, and also my Medicare benefits!' I'm...

ATHENS — Activist Greta Thunberg told reporters today that Israel put a noose on her, dumped bleach on her hair, and shouted, "This is bagel country!" Thunberg stated the assailants wore masks to hide their identity, but had on giant shtreimels and kept shouting "Oy vey" to intimidate her. "I literally thought I was going to die," said Thunberg. "They threw bagels at me and shouted 'Take that, gentile!' The bagels even had schmear. And then they smacked me in the face with a pastrami sandwich and said 'This is kosher country!'" Israel has denied the accusations, stating that...

Speaking at a NewsNation town hall meeting, Sen. John Fetterman (D-Pa) disagreed with Democrats who call Trump and those who voted for him fascists, saying "I'm the only Democrat in my family. I grew up in a conservative part of Pennsylvania. I know and I love people who voted for President Trump. But they are not fascists, they are not Nazis, they are not trying to destroy the constitution or democracy." He went on to caution "against inciting violence against our political opponents. The whole point of having democracy and constitutions is to replace the ancient method of allowing the...

This week, former Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) told LindellTV reporter Alison Steinberg to "shut up." The incident occurred as she was being assisted in her efforts to navigate the stairs to the Capitol building in DC. "I could've been seriously injured or killed!" Pelosi contended. "I have a right to walk without being accosted by unwanted questions." "I was only trying to get Speaker Pelosi's response to Republican assertions that she was at least partially to blame for the disorder at the Capitol on January 6, 2021," Steinberg said. "Former Capitol Police Chief Steven Sund...

Grievously irked by the Trump Administration's efforts to enforce immigration laws in his state Gov. JB Pritzker (D-Ill) vows "I will prosecute each and every one of the federal officers--the ICE agents, the FBI agents, the National Guard troops, the Department of Justice attorneys, and whoever else may be in anyway involved in the current terrorist attack by federal agents against immigrants in my state. The crimes they are committing now will be punished when Trump's tyranny ends with my election as president in the 2028 election." "I have spoken with Illinois Attorney General Kwame Raoul and other Democratic officials...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy was reportedly invited to an official meeting in the Oval Office today after President Trump spotted him climbing a sycamore tree outside the White House just to see him. According to sources, Zelenskyy was trying to see Trump, and he was unable to do so not only because of the press pool surrounding him, but also because he was short in stature. So he ran on ahead and climbed up a sycamore tree in the South Lawn of the White House to see him, for he was to pass that way. Witnesses...

U.S. — Airline passengers of the world could finally breathe a sigh of relief, as all major airlines have introduced ejection seats for people who have loud conversations. According to representatives from Delta, Southwest, United, Spirit, Frontier, and Canada Air, all commercial aircraft were being retrofitted with ejection seats to get rid of irritating, inconsiderate jerks who have loud conversations when you're trying to sleep. "It's a huge step forward in customer satisfaction," said airline spokesman Bob Jet. "People love it. Just one syllable above a certain noise threshold, and — FWOOOSH — your irritating neighbor will be going...

GAZA — Day-to-day life in the terrorist occupied area of Gaza settled back into its normal pre-war routine, as with Israel's withdrawal to comply with the ceasefire agreement, Hamas was finally able to conduct public executions in peace. After two years of brutal conflict with Israeli forces, Hamas terrorists expressed relief that the peace deal brokered by President Donald Trump allowed them to get back to business as usual and handle the murdering Gazans themselves. "Like slipping into a comfortable pair of old shoes," said spokesterrorist Amal Qadir. "It's been a long time since we were able to enjoy...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson claimed in court today that all black people are mentally disabled, Justice Clarence Thomas gently informed her that it's actually just her. Not wanting to embarrass Jackson in front of the rest of the court, Justice Thomas waited until a brief recess to explain. "I don't know how to say this best, Ketanji, but not all black people are mentally disabled. It's just you," said Thomas. "You having an exceptionally low IQ has absolutely nothing to do with your skin color, Ketanji. You're just an idiot. I know this is hard for...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As President Trump continues brokering peace deals across the globe, Democrats warned that we are now further away from World War III than ever before. According to Senator Chuck Schumer, the distance between the world and a new global war is widening at an alarming rate. "If Trump isn't stopped, it's possible that we even might not see a humanity-threatening war in our children's lifetimes," Schumer told reporters, eyes wide in alarm. "Trump's peace-mongering puts our entire nation at risk of not being plunged into a nuclear holocaust. Someone must stop this madman, and soon." Noted...

In Euless, Texas, three Muslims have been charged vandalizing a church in 2023. One of them is Raunaq Alam who claimed that he was merely exercising his First Amendment rights. He pointed out that "the church had raised an Israeli flag they claimed was a show of solidarity with the victims of the October 7 massacre. My spray painting 'f*** Israel' and putting Hamas stickers on the outside of the building was my rebuttal. I admit that they may have considered my rebuttal offensive, but their message was offensive to my religion. Allah commands us to slay the Jews. October...

U.S. — According to sources, federal employees are eager for the government shutdown to end so they can go back to work and get some real rest. "Vacation is nice, but I'm always tired at the end of it and feel like I need a vacation from my vacation, you know?" said Dan Patrick, an auditor for the IRS. "I miss sleeping in my cubicle while doing nothing of note for the American people and collecting a big fat check." According to sources, all but the most essential federal employees have been sent home without pay as a result of...

STOCKHOLM — The ceasefire agreement between Israel and Hamas that was brokered by President Donald Trump had other unforeseen consequences, as sources reported hearing a sad Greta Thunberg ask if anyone else needed a flotilla. The climate change activist, who took up the Palestinian cause and led a fleet of seafaring vessels on a crusade to draw attention to the humanitarian crisis in Gaza, told those close to her that she now felt disappointed that her hopes for another flotilla expedition were no longer needed. "We're ready to set sail for any random cause," she reportedly said. "We were preparing...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Americans across the country continued to carry on their day-to-day lives without any significant changes, Democrats vowed to keep the federal government shut down until someone notices. Sources on Capitol Hill said that, though congressional Democrats had grown frustrated by the fact that the country seemed to keep existing and flourishing despite the lack of involvement from the federal government, they remained committed to keeping the shutdown in effect until someone acknowledged it. "Sooner or later, it's bound to have some type of effect," House Minority Leader and government shutdown architect Hakeem Jeffries said. "I know...

Former member of the Virginia House of Delegates and current Democrat nominee for State Attorney General (AG) Jay Jones is facing widespread criticism for a 2022 text exchange with Delegate Carrie Coyner (R) in which he wrote "if I had two bullets and faced a choice between shooting then-House Speaker Todd Gilbert, Adolf Hitler, or Pol Pot, Gilbert gets two bullets to the head." Coyner called him back to express her dismay at his remarks, but was treated to Jones speculating that "if Gilbert's two little fascists were to die in their mother's arms perhaps that would be more effective....

This week, a Virginia Grand Jury indicted New York Attorney General Letitia James for mortgage fraud. Evidence included her signature on a mortgage loan document that asserted the property to be financed was to be her primary residence. The Jury found that the fact that James lives and works in New York and that the Virginia house could not possibly have been her primary residence sufficient for her to be put on trial for fraud. James denounced the indictment calling it "unfair political retribution directed at me by Trump. True, I did prosecute and convict Trump for mortgage fraud, but...

Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado bested 337 other nominees to win this year's Nobel Peace prize. The Nobel Prize Committee stated "she is receiving the Nobel Peace Prize for her tireless work promoting democratic rights for the people of Venezuela, and for her struggle to achieve a just and peaceful transition from dictatorship to democracy." The 58-year-old Nobel Prize winner has been in hiding since August 2024, fearing for her safety after threats from supporters of the dictatorship led by President Nicolás Maduro. She has refused to leave the country even though the Maduro government has repeatedly threatened her...

Mayor Brandon Johnson issued an executive order "banning Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officers from entering any city property to enforce federal laws against illegal immigration. This includes streets and parking lots. Further, City Police are instructed to ignore any 911 calls from ICE personnel being attacked by protesters." Gov. JB Pritzker hailed this "strong response to the federal invasion of Chicago and our state. In support of Mayor Johnson I have filed a lawsuit seeking a court injunction to prevent Trump from using National Guard troops to fight crime in our state. We going to use every lever at...

NEW YORK, NY — Sources said the indicted New York attorney general held out hope that she could ease her combative relationship with the president, as Letitia James attempted to smooth things over by sending Trump a heartfelt "Sorry I Maliciously Prosecuted You" card. Indicted on charges of bank fraud after spending the last two years prosecuting President Trump, James reportedly scrambled to perform some type of gesture that would thaw the ice between the two political enemies, eventually deciding that a greeting card was the perfect choice. "Dear Donald, my bad for trying to falsely imprison you," James wrote...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the peace agreement between Israel and Hamas tentatively settled, President Donald Trump reportedly set his sights on quelling the longstanding unrest between Yankees and Red Sox fans. "We're going to make a HISTORIC and TREMENDOUS deal that will unite these two fanbases and bring an end to this 3,000 YEAR CATASTROPHE," Trump said in a post to his Truth Social account. "THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!" Yankees and Red Sox fans have been caught up in an intense rivalry since ancient times, fueled primarily by their vastly different demographics. The largely blue-collar Bostonians...