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https://babylonbee.com/news/hunter-biden-warns-that-without-illegal-immigrants-the-price-of-crack-will-skyrocketWILMINGTON, DE — As part of a wide-ranging sit-down interview released on YouTube, Hunter Biden warned Americans that, without illegal immigrants, the price of crack cocaine and prostitutes would skyrocket. In an urgent plea to the American people, Biden told the public that President Donald Trump's hardline immigration policies threatened not only to affect various industries across the country but also drive the cost of hard drugs and sex slaves through the roof. "These essential products will become totally unaffordable to the average American," Biden said. "I think the people of this country need to realize what's at stake here....

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blow to hopes from conservatives that the former president would face severe consequences for allegedly overseeing an attempt to deligitimize the Trump presidency, Barack Obama argued that he can't be charged with treason since he wasn't born in America and isn't a legitimate American citizen. Republicans acknowledged that they could be left without any legal recourse after President Obama absolved himself of any potential treason charge by reminding everyone that he couldn't face any consequences since he was never a citizen to begin with. "I can't commit treason against America if I was never an...

Statistically, all of the jobs gained since Trump took office have gone to native-born Americans. In Biden's last year in office half of the jobs gained went to immigrants. Secretary of Labor Lori Chavez-DeRemer explained "President Trump promised to focus on improving the opportunities and wages of Americans when he campaigned for the presidency. We are now delivering on that promise. Two million more Americans have jobs that they didn't have while Biden was president." House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) was less enthusiastic about this outcome, pointing out that "President Biden's policies produced a more balanced result. I addition...

After announcing the cancellation of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, CBS is hard at work searching for a better program to replace their old flagship. Here are ten great ideas that would be way better than The Late Show:Larry The Dying Leper: This show is just watching a man slowly die of leprosy. Way funnier!Kidney Stone Watch: 90 straight minutes of a dude trying to pass a kidney stone.That old "KaBoom" infomercial with Billy Mays on loop: Such a classic.Cemetery Cam: Nothing but a livestream from a camera at a cemetery. Big upgrade, CBS.The Ingrown Toenail Experience: Way less...

NEW YORK CITY — In a stunning example of rampant fascism, a TV network cancelled a show that wasn't making any money and had terrible ratings. "The Colbert Show spoke truth to power and its cancelation is a chilling example of the fascism that's growing every day here in the U.S.A.," online culture blogger Danielle Swanson wrote this week. "With Colbert off the air, there will not be one single late-night host left who will criticize Trump. Fascism has won." CBS announced this week it was cancelling The Late Show starring Steven Colbert, stating it was purely a business decision...

A group of four Florida Democrats--Reps. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Maxwell Alejandro Frost, Darren Soto, and Jared Moskowitz--visited the new "Alligator Alcatraz" immigration detention center in the Everglades and judged the accommodations "disturbing and disgusting." Wasserman-Schultz observed "the place is like a prison. Freedom of movement is restricted. Detainees are served grilled cheese sandwiches while employees are served roasted chicken meals. The are no fences or walls to prevent detainees from wandering into the alligator and snake infested swamp that surrounds the place. It's as if they're daring the inmates to try to escape." Frost brought a binder filled with names and...

U.S. — A terrifying study has confirmed what some already feared: there are people still getting vaccinated for COVID. The startling report, released by the CDC, revealed that there were thousands of sentient human beings who were actually opting to receive a COVID booster in the year 2025. "I had no idea it was this bad," said one concerned citizen to reporters."Are people really that dumb? What's going on here? I wonder if the COVID vax has fried their brains. That must be it." There are still COVID boosters being offered by drug companies designed to protect against Alpha (B.1.1.7),...

U.S. — The news media which remained unconcerned for four years by the lack of circulation to former President Biden's brain have expressed deep concern over the circulation in President Trump's ankles. Journalists, who were unable to identify any symptoms of cognitive decline in a man who could not speak and shook hands with ghosts, have sounded the alarm over the mild swelling in Trump's ankles. "This is no deep fake, America. This is real," said ABC journalist Mario Arrato. "The administration says Trump is okay, but as journalists, we do not simply take their word that the President is...

LONDON — In a protest to make the nation's democratic process more inclusive, Muslims in the United Kingdom marched to demand that the voting age be lowered to 13 so their wives would be able to vote. Following intense debate on the wisdom and necessity of lowering the voting age in the UK, lawmakers agreed that there could be a case to be made for making it legal for the child brides of the country's millions of Muslim residents to vote in elections. "Every wife in the UK should have the right to vote, even when they are children," said...

Last week, former President Biden's physician Dr. Kevin O'Connor refused to answer questions regarding his patient's fitness to carry out the duties required of the presidency. Earlier this week, Anthony Bernal, senior advisor to First Lady Jill Biden, refused to answer questions on the same subject. On Friday, Annie Tomasini, deputy chief of staff to Biden, refused to answer questions on the same subject. All three of them invoked their 5th Amendment right against self incrimination. House Oversight Committee Chairman James Comer said the "pattern of key Biden confidants seeking to shield themselves from criminal liability increases our suspicion that...

With polls showing him favored to win the election in November, New York City socialist Democrat mayoral nominee Zohran Mamdani vowed to "revolutionize the way this city will be governed. Half-measures will be swept aside and replaced with true equality for all." "For generations rent-control has produced huge housing inequities," he pointed out. "Those lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time were awarded windfall benefits. Those less fortunate have had to pay outrageous sums for inadequate living space. I will tear down this rotten system by abolishing private ownership of property. Right now the majority...

LONDON — In a protest to make the nation's democratic process more inclusive, Muslims in the United Kingdom marched to demand that the voting age be lowered to 13 so their wives would be able to vote. Following intense debate on the wisdom and necessity of lowering the voting age in the UK, lawmakers agreed that there could be a case to be made for making it legal for the child brides of the country's millions of Muslim residents to vote in elections. "Every wife in the UK should have the right to vote, even when they are children," said...

GREENVILLE, DE — In a rare public appearance after leaving office in January, former President Joe Biden stated that he absolutely would have approved all of his presidential pardons if he had known about them. In brief comments to reporters outside his Delaware home, Biden addressed persistent rumors that he knew nothing about the pardons he issued in the closing days and hours of his presidency, reiterating that he would have approved them if anyone had asked him. "Let me be clear, I was on board with all of these pardons I issued, even the ones I found out about...

The success that President Trump is enjoying getting his policies implemented is spurring Democrat voters to demand that their elected representatives do more to prevent this undesired trend. An exasperated Rep. Brad Schneider (D-Ill) said "we've been doing all the usual things--voting against Republican-backed legislation, vilifying them in the media, and soliciting donations for the 2026 mid-term elections--but our white, well-educated voters living in upscale suburban or urban neighborhoods want more." "A few Democrat officeholders have been more confrontational," Schneider pointed out. "Rep. Green (Tex) got himself ejected for heckling President Trump in Congress. Sen. Padilla (Calif) got himself tackled...

WASHINTON, D.C. — Former President Joe Biden's teleprompter cleared up some recent controversy in a statement it released Monday, stating it personally approved of all the autopen pardons during the Biden presidency. "I personally and single-handedly approved every pardon signed by the autopen machine," The teleprompter said in yellow lettering across its screen. "As the acting president at the time, I had that authority." Recent controversy surrounding President Biden's use of the autopen during his presidency has led some to ask if the pardons issued under his administration were valid. Many hope the teleprompter's statement will clear up any confusion...

SACRAMENTO, CA — An inspiring story emerged amid the ongoing immigration controversy, as Governor Gavin Newsom founded an Underground Railroad to help Mexican kids travel to work on California's marijuana farms. After ICE operations made headlines in recent weeks with raids on California cannabis farms, Newsom made the noble decision to create a secret system to help unaccompanied minor migrants avoid detection by the authorities and find their way north to work as day laborers. "Every Mexican kid deserves the chance to live out their dream of working as slave labor in California," Newsom told reporters. "This weed isn't going...

In his appearance at the House Oversight Committee last week, former President Biden's personal physician Dr. Kevin O'Connor invoked his constitutional right under the Fifth Amendment and declined to answer questions on the grounds that his answers might incriminate him. Oversight Chairman James Comer (R-Ky) revealed the two questions that inspired Dr. O'Connor's refusal to answer, saying "our first question was 'were you ever told to lie about the president's health?' He Pleaded the Fifth. Our second question was 'Did you ever believe President Biden was unfit to execute his duties?' He pleaded the Fifth. I think that his refusal...

SACRAMENTO, CA — A piece of the Golden State's heritage was lost today, as the iconic grizzly bear that had adorned the California state flag announced that he had officially moved to Texas. Monarch, the revered bear that has represented the state on its flag since it was officially adopted in 1911, revealed that he was leaving California for the Lone Star State after giving up hope that things at home would ever improve. "I want to live in a state where my bear family has a better future," he said. "California has perfect weather and amazing food options, but...

A very irate Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) strenuously objected to an Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) raid on the Glass House Farms in Camarillo. saying "this invasion by an uninvited federal agency is wrong in so many ways. First, California is a sanctuary state. We love our immigrants and don't want them taken away. Second, California was once a part of Mexico before it was stolen in 1848. Third, Graham Farrar, the co-founder, president, and board director of Glass House Farms, has donated thousands to Democrats in California. He deserves better treatment. Fourth, this raid forced me to cut my...

Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chair Ken Martin attempted to rebuff criticism of its welcoming attitude toward antisemitism by explaining "look, the Democratic Party has been the most successful political organization in America's history. The reason why it has been is that it has always had a 'big tent' philosophy of tolerance for diverse viewpoints. Some of those viewpoints--like support of slavery--are no longer legal. But others, like antisemitism are merely controversial. Those having such views are entitled to participate in the democratic process of voting for candidates who best represent their views." PBS News Hour, host Amna Nawaz asked Martin...