Free Republic

CAMBRIDGE — As the nations of the West continue to struggle with understanding how to deal with the spread of immigrants from Islamic countries, a groundbreaking new study found that islamophobia may be at least partially caused by Muslims killing people all the time. The research project, conducted by an elite group of scientists at the University of Cambridge, discovered that millions of people around the globe have grown wary of Muslims due in large part to the fact that Muslims keep committing horrific acts of murderous violence around the world. "Yeah, they just keep killing people all the time,...

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA — A heroic man who bravely wrestled away a rifle from an Islamic terrorist during the deadly shooting at Bondi Beach on Sunday has been formally charged with the unlawful possession of a firearm. "Rest assured, this man is going away to a long, long time," confirmed Police Commissioner Mal Lanyon. "No one breaks our gun laws and gets away with it. No one. We have him on video, dead to rights." Authorities identified the man who illegally held a gun for three minutes as Ahmed Al Ahmed, a Syrian fruit shop owner who thought he was helping...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An executive order banning immigration from several Muslim-majority countries compelled Democratic lawmakers to voice concerns that this may delay the global intifada. "It is the right of every American to endorse global intifada and murder Jews," Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said, in light of the executive order. "President Trump, in this authoritarian executive order, has proven himself anti-American by limiting the freedom of Americans and immigrants to engage in and call for Palestinian violence." According to sources, the global intifada is an international call for violence against Jews, Zionists, infidels, and the entire Western world. Trump...

The Biden Presidential Library has recently suffered a series of setbacks caused by a lack of funding. The initial presidential library was envisioned to eclipse the Obama Presidential Library (aka Obama Death Star) however those plans have been scaled back significantly by the lack of donor largesse. Donations from persons pardoned in the last moments of his presidency have been severely curtailed when President Trump declared those autopen pardons null and void. Even with these setbacks, Slow Joe declared he will march forward with the project even though he will have to scale it back somewhat. The Biden Presidential Library...

WORLD — Fake news media across the globe have reported that a mass shooting occurred in Australia, which is literally impossible because guns are illegal there. Despite the patent absurdity of criminals using guns, which are banned, several major news stations in the United States repeated the obviously fictional story, "It's embarrassing how many news outlets were duped by this clearly fake story," said misinformation expert Harold Cannon. "It would have taken thirty seconds for these so-called news stations to simply Google gun laws in Australia, and they would have known the story couldn't be true. You simply can't have...

PACIFIC PALISADES, CA — Bucking years of tradition, a family new to the California area has failed to build a single gingerbread house this Christmas season due to a backlog at the permit office. "We're still waiting for the appropriate permits to build our gingerbread house," said Mona Riggs. "Baking gingerbread houses is a fun tradition we do every year, but at this point we'll be lucky to have one put together by the end of the decade." According to sources, the January Pacific Palisades fire and its resulting destruction caused a significant logjam of processing permit applications. The city...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump expressed concern that his wife, Melania, may now be aware of what he got her for Christmas after news reports surfaced that the U.S. military had seized a Venezuelan oil tanker this week. When the story broke, Trump reportedly scolded White House staff for potentially spoiling the surprise that he was giving his wife the one-of-a-kind gift of a seized tanker filled with crude oil. "I hate to think the surprise is ruined," Trump told friends. "I know she would love to have opened that tanker on Christmas morning and have it be a...

U.S. — In a corroboration of what many had long suspected, a new report finally confirmed that the holiday of Kwanzaa had been revealed to be an elaborate prank on white people. While experts had wondered for decades if the manufactured holiday was just a clever inside joke to mess with caucasians, it wasn't until a bombshell exposé revealed the complex ruse for what it was all along. "Yeah, you got us," said black dude Achonte Ndukwe. "We all held a secret meeting back in the late '60s to figure out what we could do to mess with white people....

US District Judges James Boasberg and Deborah Boardman have both turned down invitations to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Both invoked their Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination. "Look," Boasberg said. "The title of the hearing session is 'Impeachment: Holding Rogue Judges Accountable.' We don't want to be held accountable. We're both members of a separate but equal branch of the government. Congress can't force us to be accountable to them." Senate Committee on the Judiciary Chairman Chuck Grassly (R-Iowa) pointed out that "both of these judges have exercised powers that they do not have to thwart federal law and...

So far in 2025, the state of New York has released nearly 7,000 illegal migrant criminals from its jails and prisons and set them loose on society. For every one of them ICE had filed active detainers with state authorities. The crimes for which these criminals were incarcerated included attempted murder, thousands of assaults, and hundreds of burglaries, robberies, drug offenses, weapons offenses and sexual predatory offenses. Currently, 7,113 illegal migrants with active ICE detainers are currently being held New York's prisons and jails. The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is demanding they be turned over to them for deportation...

NEW YORK, NY — In a shocking development in the case of a killer charged with murdering a health insurance executive, a New York judge found that Luigi Mangione was too stunningly handsome and gorgeous to stand trial. Though the prosecution had reportedly built a strong case with substantial evidence against him, Mangione was deemed, upon examination, to be far too good-looking to be tried for the murder. "Have you seen him?" said Judge Maureen Donaldson in her ruling. "My goodness. In all my years on the bench, I have never run across a case that is so startlingly violent...

Sen. Tammy Duckworth (D-Ill) railed against the Department of Transportation (DOT) proposal to give $10,000 bonuses to only the air traffic controllers and FAA technicians who worked everyday without pay during the government shutdown. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem has announced a similar bonus for TSA screeners who worked all of their assigned shifts during the government shutdown. "It's not fair to the thousands of other government employees who for one reason or another opted not to work without pay," Duckworth complained. "The problem with these selective bonuses is that it weakens the solidarity that labor unions need...

Michael Dell, founder and CEO of Dell Technologies, and his wife Susan are donating $6.25 billion to fund investment accounts for 25 million American children. "It's designed to help families feel supported from the start and encourage them to keep saving and investing as their children grow," Michael said. "We know that when children have accounts like this, they're much more likely to graduate from high school, from college, buy a home, start a business and less likely to be incarcerated." Their donation will be coordinated with a new federal government program that allows parents to open tax-advantaged investment accounts...

VATICAN CITY — Catholics and Protestants around the world expressed concern this week, as Pope Leo XVI gave his recommendation that Christians pray the rosary while facing in the direction of Mecca. The pontiff made the proclamation after visiting Turkey and Lebanon, stating that not only should the West be less fearful of the spread of Islam, but all Christians should seek to live more peaceably by facing toward the holiest of Islamic sites when they pray the rosary. "This is an important step toward helping the Muslims conquer us all," Pope Leo said. "I do not think that Christians...

Hundreds of social service workers at the Minnesota Department of Human Services have identified Gov. Tim Walz (D) as the reason why fraudsters were able to steal over one billion dollars of public funds intended to feed the hungry, saying "Tim Walz is 100% responsible for massive fraud in Minnesota. We let Tim Walz know of fraud early on, hoping for a partnership in stopping fraud. Instead, he systematically retaliated against whistleblowers and did his best to discredit fraud reports. Meanwhile the perpetrators of the Feeding Our Future fraud scheme stole the money that was supposed to feed children during...

In a test, the Government Accountability Office (GAO) created 20 fake applications for Obamacare subsidies. Despite the absence of documentation to verify that the Social Security numbers (SSN), citizenship, and reported incomes were valid, 18 of the applications were approved for a total of $10,000 per month subsidies. Other avenues for fraud included subsidies for dead people and multiple subsidies to identical SSNs--one of which was linked to 125 insurance policies and an aggregate coverage of 26,000 days in one year. These subsidies were paid to insurance companies on behalf of the fictitious and deceased individuals--none of whom ever filed...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Amid national outrage over Somali immigrants in Minneapolis raping people all the time, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz held a press conference to assure concerned citizens that not all Somali rapists are bad people. "I'm friends with a lot of Somali rapists, and they really aren't all bad," said Walz while prancing back and forth across the stage to the delight of his voters in the press. "Somali rapists are some of the nicest, smartest, most polite people I know, and many of them contribute to the economy somehow. Anyone who is prejudiced against them should be ashamed...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A remake of the popular 2001 war film Black Hawk Down was reportedly in development at Columbia Pictures, with producers eyeing downtown Minneapolis as the primary filming location. "I got stuck there on a layover once, and I thought I'd landed in Somalia, but it was just Minnesota," producer Jerry Bruckheimer said. "I've never been more scared in my entire life. And I'm from Detroit." The original film, based on the true story of two U.S. military Black Hawk helicopters that were shot down during the Battle of Mogadishu during the Somali Civil War, was filmed using...

What good is an amendment saying we have the right to bear arms if I can't go house to house firing buckshot into every inflatable Christmas minion I see? Look, I don't have to spend my evenings driving around the neighborhood in my 2003 Silverado, shooting high-powered ammunition into inflatable Grinches. I do it as a service to my community. I'm just an everyday, red-blooded American, trying to do his part to rid the world of these abominations. Putting up inflatables to decorate for Christmas is like celebrating your anniversary by kissing your sister. It's gross, and it doesn't...

EAGAN, MN — In a move intended to better reflect the state's modern demographics and generate more interest in the team from the populace, the Minnesota Vikings announced that they were changing their name to the Minnesota Somali Pirates. Though the franchise had built a proud tradition since joining the NFL in 1961, team ownership reportedly decided that updating the team's name, logo, and mascot could lead to an increase in fan interest among Minnesota's growing Somali migrant population. "This could be a huge boost in interest and revenue," said Steve Poppen, the team's Executive Vice President and Chief Business...