Free Republic

Using powers authorized by the Home Rule Act, President Trump ordered the deployment of National Guard troops, FBI agents, and other federal law-enforcement officers to patrol the streets of Washington DC. This move has been met with mixed reactions. Citing a similar protest where Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich) called attention to Israeli atrocities against Hamas by banging a pot, Free DC Project Campaign Director Alex Dodds urged supporters to "bang pots and pans every night until this occupation by an invading army is ended. We will multiply Rep. Tlaib's effort by a thousand fold. Everyone in the city will hear...

In addition to ordering a comprehensive review of the Smithsonian museums to root out "wokeness," President Donald Trump has reportedly provided the institutions with a list of new items to display instead. The Babylon Bee has obtained an exclusive copy of the list of artifacts Trump wants preserved and displayed for their historical significance: The gold Trump statue from CPAC 2021: Every bit as culturally significant as a giant Olmec head. A rare laserdisc copy of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York: Featuring an extended, director's cut version of Trump's cameo. A display of the Obama years titled...

SACRAMENTO, CA — In his ongoing public sparring with the administration over its agenda, Governor Gavin Newsom vowed to double California's violent crime rate if President Donald Trump refused to stop cleaning up Washington, D.C. Acting as a constant and vocal opponent to Trump's policies, Newsom took things up a notch this week by promising to offset any progress Trump might make in his attempt to crack down on crime in the nation's capital by promoting even more violent crime in the Golden State. "If Trump insists on lowering crime in D.C., then we're going to commit crimes even harder...

U.S. — Despite claims by President Donald Trump that American cities are being overrun by criminals, Democrat mayors across the country reported that violent crime was actually down 40% since they redefined the words "violent" and "crime". Trump vowed to clean up America's streets, starting with ordering the National Guard into action to bolster law enforcement efforts in Washington, D.C., eliciting an outcry from mayors who pointed to a sharp drop in crimes now that the definition of crime had been completely changed. "There's actually almost no crime when you look at it a certain way," said D.C. Mayor Muriel...

https://babylonbee.com/news/dc-mayor-warns-trumps-crime-fighting-measures-will-unfairly-impact-criminalsWASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the announcement that the president had ordered the federalization of law enforcement in the nation's capital, Washington, D.C., Mayor Muriel Bowser warned that Trump's crime-fighting measures would unfairly impact criminals. President Trump ordered the National Guard into action to begin patrolling the streets of the District of Columbia following ongoing incidents of violent crime, causing the capital's mayor to sound the alarm that lawbreakers would disproportionately bear the brunt of the initiative. "Why should fighting crime focus so much on criminals?" Bowser asked during a press conference. "It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that...

In Texas, the Republican majority in the legislature wants to redraw the boundaries of several congressional districts. Democrats are boycotting the legislature in an attempt to prevent this outcome. The Republican majority has issued arrest warrants, but the boycotters have taken refuge outside the jurisdiction of the warrants. Some fled to Massachusetts and others to Illinois. The current number of Texas' congressional seats held by each Party are 25 for Republicans to 12 for Democrats (a 68% to 32% edge for Republicans over Democrats). If the Republican redistricting plan goes through it is projected to change the ratio to 30...

The US Census Bureau has admitted that it made some serious errors in its 2020 counts. There were significant under-counts in Republican-leaning states like Florida (-3.48%) and Texas (-1.92%), while blue states such as New York (+3.44%) and Rhode Island (+5.05%) were over-counted. These miscounts led to an incorrect apportionment of House seats and Electoral College votes. To correct these errors President Trump said "I instructed our Department of Commerce to immediately begin work on a new and highly accurate census based on modern-day facts and figures. Since the Constitution requires the census for the purpose of apportioning the membership...

Golem Salami, spokesman for Iran's Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps, announced that Rouzbeh Vadi, one of Iran's top nuclear scientists, was hanged this week. "The fact that Vadi was not taken out by the Israeli air attacks like our six other nuclear scientists were raised our suspicions," Salami said. "Vadi was arrested and interrogated. Despite the rigorous torture applied by our best experts he would not confess. However, our offer to spare his family from execution if he would admit to being a spy for the Mossad persuaded him to admit his guilt. We are also pleased to confirm the arrest...

TULSA, OK — Witnesses said local wife Danielle Matson perked up quickly after hearing the sound of her husband, Dave, plopping down on the couch, as it instantly reminded her of all the things she needed him to do for her. While her husband had just finished mowing and weeding the yard after spending all day working at his day job, Danielle didn't remember all of the pressing tasks she needed him to complete until she heard his body make contact with the couch cushions. "Oh! Dave!" she exclaimed. "Can you bring in the giant bag of flour I bought...

https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-gerrymanders-us-to-include-canada WASHINGTON, D.C. — The geopolitical balance of power appeared to experience a significant shift this week, as President Donald Trump announced that he had gerrymandered the United States of America to now include Canada. The savvy political maneuver by Trump completed his plan to annex Canada, simultaneously solving the U.S.'s trade deficit with its northern neighbor while also now merging the two nations into one supercountry that possessed the largest maple syrup reserve in the world. "It's done. I drew the line myself," Trump told reporters in the Oval Office after unveiling the order. "I'm the president, and I...

https://babylonbee.com/news/study-finds-possible-connection-between-current-heatwave-and-giant-flaming-orb-in-the-sky SILVER SPRING, MD — A new study commissioned by the National Weather Service may have found a possible connection between the current heatwave and a giant flaming orb in the sky. The mystery of what causes heatwaves has perplexed climate scientists around the world for decades. Researchers working with NASA and top American universities have recently decided to stop using complex climate models, step away from their desks, and look outside at the giant flaming orb in the sky as a possible explanation as to why things get hot in the summertime. "That big flaming orb in the sky...

In an effort to create a strong deterrent to anyone considering perpetrating any further incidents, the WNBA issued a warning that anyone caught throwing things onto the court would be forced to attend 10 more WNBA games. The policy change came on the heels of multiple incidents in which unidentified individuals threw inappropriate items into the court during play. WNBA officials said that any further instances of such behavior would result in the people responsible being sentenced to watch more WNBA, whether they liked it or not. "It's a severe penalty, yes, but hopefully it will make people think twice,"...

Sydney Sweeney is in hot water for her recent jeans ad, with many calling her a Nazi. And this video proves it - an exclusive authentic Hitler jeans ad from 1942. Hitler has great jeans.

Former President Biden's Infrastructure Investment and Jobs Act (IIJA) of 2021 appropriated $7.5 billion for the National Electric Vehicle Infrastructure Formula (NEVI) and the Charging and Fueling Infrastructure Discretionary Grant Program (CFI). Four years later all the money has been spent but only 384 EV charging stations have been built. That averages out at $19 million per station. The Trump Administration is refusing to commit any more funds to either NEVI or CFI. Secretary of Transportation Sean Duffy insisted that "it's time we stop wasting the taxpayers' money on this stuff. EVs are too expensive to compete against gasoline-fueled vehicles."...

The beating of two whites by a mob of Blacks after the Cincinnati Jazz Festival was called "justified" by the City's Police Chief Terri Theetge. "Look, the two white individuals provoked the assault," she said. "First, the concert they all attended was a jazz concert. Jazz is Black music--invented by and for Black folks. The white folks were engaging in cultural appropriation by intruding on turf that didn't belong to them." "Second, the beatings were video taped by numerous individuals at the scene," Theetge pointed out. "This intrusion into police business precludes our opportunity to say there that isn't enough...

Lex Luthor Reveals To The World That Superman Is A Registered Republican https://buff.ly/HprGC5Qhttps://babylonbee.com/news/lex-luthor-reveals-to-the-world-that-superman-is-a-registered-republicanMETROPOLIS — Superman is a registered Republican, as confirmed by LuthorCorp CEO Lex Luthor at a press conference on Monday. "Superman is not who you think he is!" Luthor said. "He's no hero. He's a registered Republican and has been since 2024!" Luthor reportedly discovered the shocking news after breaking into Superman's Fortress of Solitude and discovering his voter registration form. "I knew I was going to find something horrific, but I never thought it'd be that he was a Republican," Luthor later said of the find. "Maybe...

TEXHOMA, TX — Democratic lawmakers who fled the state to disrupt a vote on a new congressional redistricting map could soon find themselves out of a job, as Governor Greg Abbott announced the construction of a giant northern border wall designed to keep them out permanently. Abbott issued a statement declaring that while any Democrat who did not show up to vote on the new redistricting map was vacating their seat, he would also be building a wall to prevent them from re-entering the state. "You all can just stay up there in Oklahoma," Abbott said. "I just wanted them...

Citing Canada's plans to recognize a Palestinian state and the persistence of fentanyl smuggling over the border, President Trump imposed a 35% tariff on goods shipped into the US from Canada. "As it is now, Hamas bombards Israel whenever it wants to," Trump asserted. "Establishing it as a Palestinian state will only worsen the situation. Canada needs to be more responsible." Prime Minister Mark Carney took offense, saying "Canada's government is making historic investments in border security to arrest drug traffickers, take down transnational gangs, and end migrant smuggling. These include thousands of new law enforcement and border security officers,...

BERLIN — Historians have uncovered a blue jeans ad featuring Adolf Hitler from 1942. "Hitler has good jeans," declared the newly-unearthed advertisement, a clarion call for the violent establishment of a dominant Aryan race. "This blue jeans ad was truly the moment when Hitler's ambitions became clear," said historian Steve Marks. "The jeans, the sexy pose, the open call for eugenics to destroy deplorables... this photograph truly encapsulates the very heart of Naziism. Horrifying." While scholars have long speculated that Hitler must have modeled blue jeans as part of his fascist rule, the shocking ad has roiled historians. "We always...

On January 28, President Trump issued an executive order declaring that "it is our policy to not fund, sponsor, promote, assist, or support gender transition for people under 19. As such, we will discontinue federal funding to medical institutions that provide this type of care and the Secretary of Health and Human Services, as appropriate and consistent with applicable law, shall rigorously enforce all laws that prohibit or limit these destructive and life-altering procedures." California, Connecticut, Illinois, Massachusetts, New York, Pennsylvania, Delaware, the District of Columbia, Hawaii, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Nevada, New Jersey, New Mexico, Rhode Island and Wisconsin are...