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Keyword: satire

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  • Green Dilemma: Clean Air = More Hurricanes [semi-satire]

    05/18/2022 9:27:26 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2022 | John Semmens
    A recently completed National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration study found that a 50% decrease in air pollution particulates led to a 33% increase in Atlantic hurricanes. NOAA hurricane scientist Hiroyuki Murakami explained that "hurricanes need warm water to fuel them. The sun-blocking effects of particulates lower the temperature and act to reduce the quantity of warm water. Ironically, our successful effort to clear the air of these pollutants has made hurricanes worse." Biden's EPA Administrator Michael Regan called the effects "transitory. The potential for air pollutants coming out of China should more than make up for the reductions achieved in...
  • Dems Worried About Covid [semi-satire]

    05/17/2022 10:09:55 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2022 | John Semmens
    Biden COVID response coordinator Ashish Jha says he has "two major worries about a possible uptick in covid that could infect over 100 million Americans by Fall. The increasingly infectious variants mean more people will catch the disease. On the other hand, the diminishment of symptoms means that hardly anyone will realize they are infected." "People who don't realize they are infected won't feel an urgency to get tested or vaccinated," he predicted. "The whole pandemic infrastructure will be underutilized. People will be going about their business as if life is normal. Their willingness to obey directives to wear masks,...
  • GOP Wants to Defend Justices from Violence [semi-satire]

    05/16/2022 10:11:49 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2022 | John Semmens
    A simple one-page bill authored by Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) that would provide for increased security protection for members of the Supreme Court whose homes are being besieged by abortion supporting fanatics got a cold reception from Democrats in the House. House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) called the brief proposed statute "unimpressive. Where are all the carve-outs for special interests? How can a bill of less than a thousand pages adequately reward all the key constituencies?" House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) characterized the attempt to provide extra protection "an extraordinary infringement of freedom of speech. People who need access...
  • Biden Predicts Roe v. Wade Reverse Could End Big Government [semi-satire]

    05/15/2022 9:12:16 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2022 | John Semmens
    President Biden predicted that "overturning Roe v. Wade will lead to a cascade of other brutalities inflicted on this country by an out-of-control Supreme Court. Why wouldn't they follow up the cruelty of allowing states to enact laws limiting a mother's right to kill her own baby with a similar atrocity like allowing states to ban gay marriage?" "Look, here's the deal," Biden said. "The logic behind overturning Roe v. Wade is that the 1973 Court lacked the authority to proclaim a nationwide right to abortion. There's nothing in the Constitution authorizing the Court to do that. Likewise, there's nothing...
  • Trump Crowned MAGA King After Pulling Rittenhouse's AR-15 From Stone

    05/14/2022 6:33:38 PM PDT · by wastedyears · 35 replies ^ | 5/13/2022 | unattributed
    ANTIOCH, IL—Former President Donald J. Trump was crowned MAGA King shortly after pulling the legendary rifle of Kyle Rittenhouse from a stone. According to legend, the AR-15 rifle had been placed in the stone by Rittenhouse himself where it could lay dormant until a hero worthy of ruling America could pry it from its slumber.
  • War Time Criticism of President Improper [semi-satire]

    05/14/2022 10:19:52 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2022 | John Semmens
    Unsatisfied with massive GOP support for $40 billion in aid to Ukraine in its war with Russia, House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) slammed the few dozen Republicans who voted against the measure, insisting that “it is improper for anyone to be opposing our president when we are at war.” “Since when have we been at war with Russia,” Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) wanted to know. “Congress has not declared war. Congress hasn’t even authorized the use of military force.” The senator recently blocked Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer’s push for a “unanimous consent” for the $40 billion aid, calling...
  • "Boost Abortions to Fight Inflation" [semi-satire]

    05/14/2022 12:38:56 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2022 | John Semmens
    As spiraling inflation puts the pinch on many household budgets, Rep. Katie Porter (D-Calif) has a solution: "increase the number of abortions. As we all know inflation happens when too many dollars are chasing too few goods. Well, bringing new babies into the world aggravates this problem. In fact, one of major pressure points for increasing inflation has been seen in the consumption of baby formula. This problem could be significantly eased if fewer babies were brought to term." Porter complained that "rather than helping this problem the pending Supreme Court outlawing of abortion will only make things worse. Our...
  • Saved! Trump Reveals He Has Been Stockpiling Baby Formula For Seven Years After Being Warned Of Coming Shortage In A Dream

    05/13/2022 9:09:59 AM PDT · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 12 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | May 12, 2022 | The Babylon Bee
    PALM BEACH, FL—The nation can breathe a sigh of relief today as former President Trump announced he has been stockpiling baby formula for seven years after being warned in a dream of the coming shortage. "I have so many silos filled, it's unbelievable," said President Trump as he cracked open a fresh can. "Absolutely the best formula, ready for Sleepy Joe's total disaster of a famine. Plus, the taste is incredible—all the babies are saying they just love it." Years ago, Trump had awoken disturbed by an unusual dream and reportedly convened his closest advisers to ascertain its meaning. "This...
  • Liberals Should Be Worried About the Conservative Comedy Scene

    05/13/2022 4:30:33 AM PDT · by where's_the_Outrage? · 36 replies
    Politico ^ | May 13, 2022 | Ian Ward
    Since the golden days of political satire in the early 2000s, left-leaning journalists and comedy critics have wondered — with a mix of smugness and genuine curiosity — why conservatives aren’t funny. Why, these critics ask, are the comedic bits at CPAC so terrible, and where is the conservative Jon Stewart and why hasn’t there been a right-of-center rejoinder to Saturday Night Live? The various explanations for the right’s comedic deficiencies all circle the same basic thesis: that there is some sort of intrinsic contradiction between conservatism and comedy. As the academic Amber Day put it her book Satire and...
  • Motorcyclist Who Identifies As Bicyclist Sets Cycling World Record

    05/12/2022 11:46:31 AM PDT · by Eleutheria5 · 6 replies
    The Babylon Bee identifies proudly the inspiring true story of the first motorcyclist who identifies as a bicyclist. This is... Switching Gears: The Norm Hiccup Story. Please give us awards.
  • Ability to Laugh at Others Shows Mental Fitness [semi-satire]

    05/09/2022 11:32:37 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 May 2022 | John Semmens
    Joy Behar told her co-hosts on ABC's "The View" that President Biden's ability to laugh at White House Correspondents Dinner host Trevor Noah's jokes about people suffering from inflation "proves his mental fitness. It wasn't like he was all confused or anything. He was laughing right along with everyone else." "When you think of it, though, what's so bad about not being able to afford to put gas in your car or meat on your dinner table?" she added. "Wouldn't all of our lives be better if we drove or ate less? If the President's policies have prompted these healthier...
  • Wife Successfully Executes 37-Point Turn

    05/09/2022 9:49:47 AM PDT · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 26 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | May 6, 2022 | The Babylon Bee
    AMARILLO, TX—A local woman stunned critics Friday by successfully executing a record-breaking 37-point turn in front of Lawndale Elementary School on Bivins St. The driver, identified as Cheryl Alessa, only held up traffic for 12 minutes as she performed the daring expert maneuver. Alessa dropped her kids off for school on 25th Ave and then proceeded to make a wrong turn in a northward direction. To avoid a minor delay on her way to a yoga class she promptly initiated the 37-point turn on the packed street. Bystanders began laying on their car horns and raising their voices at the...
  • Mandatory Vaccination for Migrants Cancelled [semi-satire]

    05/08/2022 11:32:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 May 2022 | John Semmens
    After a brief show of treating illegal immigrants the same as Americans, the Biden Administration has abandoned its policy of mandatory covid vaccinations. "We tried telling them that they wouldn't be able to go anywhere in the United States without proof of vaccination, but the vast majority still refused to be injected," said a Border Patrol official. "The practical thing is we have no leverage over them. We can't threaten their jobs because they have no jobs. We can't threaten to send them back because the President doesn't want them sent back. All we can do is put them on...
  • Dems React to Pending Court Reversal of Abortion Decision [semi-satire]

    05/07/2022 1:03:41 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 May 2022 | John Semmens
    An unprecedented leak of a coming Supreme Court ruling overturning the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision making abortion the law of the land has sparked a spate of panic and crazy talk from leading Democrat luminaries. The opinion written by Justice Alito says the 1973 Court overstepped its bounds and violated the Tenth Amendment’s reservation of powers not explicitly granted to the federal government to the states. Going forward, whether abortions shall be permitted, banned, or regulated will be determined by each state’s own laws. Former President Obama called the reversal “a blow to all who believe in a free...
  • American Extremists [semi-satire]

    05/06/2022 5:52:44 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 May 2022 | John Semmens
    This week, President Biden denounced Trump supporters as "the worst extremists in our country's history." Inasmuch as the Klu Klux Klan terrorized blacks for decades—murdering and lynching them—and Antifa has been instigating riots that have caused billions of dollars in damage and dozens of deaths of innocent bystanders over the last few years, Biden's judgment raised some eyebrows. Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained the President's thoughts on the topic, emphasizing that "scope of impact is an important determinant. While no specific deaths or destruction can be clearly attributed to Trump supporters as a group, they were able to seize control...
  • Woke Liberal News anchor says we need a white tax

    05/06/2022 9:42:41 AM PDT · by Impala64ssa · 17 replies
    You Tube ^ | 5/5/22 | Cassidy Campbell
    Woke Liberal News anchor says we need a white tax
  • Woman Driving Alone In Carpool Lane Claims Preferred Pronoun Is 'They'

    05/06/2022 4:39:17 AM PDT · by Eleutheria5 · 8 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 5/5/22
    This woman - er, wymxn? - was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she's got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!
  • 'Wherever You Want To Go Eat Is Fine With Me', Lies Wife

    05/05/2022 1:18:07 PM PDT · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 19 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | May 4, 2022 | The Babylon Bee
    VALENCIA, CA—When Nick Samuels took his wife out for their weekly date night on Monday, he was pleased to hear that she was flexible on restaurant destinations. “Wherever you want, honey—I had a late lunch so I’m not too picky tonight.” Excited by his wife Nicholette’s flexibility, Mr. Samuels started rattling off local favorites, including a popular Texas-style BBQ joint, a Korean BBQ joint, and a burger place called Meats, Meats & More Meats. Early reports indicate that his wife was lying when she said “whatever you want” as she cut him off at the knees while they were still...
  • Buffalo Hat-Wearing Elizabeth Warren Leads Insurrection Against Supreme Court

    05/05/2022 10:01:54 AM PDT · by servo1969 · 12 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 5-4-2022 | Babylon Bee Staff
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—Eyewitnesses reported Senator Elizabeth Warren donned a buffalo hat and led a group of bloodthirsty insurrectionists up the marble steps of the Supreme Court Building Wednesday morning. According to sources, they are outraged that the murder of babies as a constitutional right is under dispute. Sen Warren, literally shaking, tumbled up the building steps and wailed righteously at the main door of the marble palace as her minions violently assaulted it with poster board and clothes hangers. "The court has been compromised!" she yelled. "They are ruling in a way I disagree with!" "America has fallen! WE DEMAND BLOOD!...
  • Why Criminal Aliens Must Be Set Free Inside the US [semi-satire]

    05/03/2022 1:22:23 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2022 | John Semmens
    Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas defended the Biden Administration’s policy of releasing illegal immigrants with criminal records inside the US, calling it “a key fundamental principle of implementing alternatives to incarceration.” “Look, here’s the deal,” Mayorkas said. “Throughout history criminals have been a part of every society. It would be abnormal and inequitable for us to try to impede their necessary migration toward habitats that can better support their needs. Of necessity, this means that wealthier societies must expect to bear a fairer share of the burdens of dealing with them. Insisting that our borders be closed to...