Free Republic

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Local man Asher Grayson, who recently graduated from Harvard with a degree in neuroscience, confessed he feels woefully unprepared to join the workforce because the only thing he knows how to do is chant "Free Palestine!" "I'm starting to think my $500,000 of student debt wasn't worth it because I don't know a thing about molecular neuroscience," said Dr. Grayson, who finally earned his PhD in 2024. "Free Palestine!" Grayson is just one of several students who feel they've been failed by Ivy League universities that spent more time training them to protest Israel than helping them...

Music, while thoroughly enjoyable and a beautiful form of artistic expression, is often full of logical fallacies and outright misinformation. Having an expert separate the truth from the lies can be helpful. The Babylon Bee enlisted famed astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson to debunk the myths of the following popular songs: 1. "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves: "It is quite physically impossible to ‘walk' on sunshine, as light is made up of photons and is not a solid substance." 2. "Love Is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar: "Provably false. Love is, in fact, an emotion induced by various...

EL SALVADOR — As Trump's deportation efforts continue, leaders from several South American countries have expressed their outrage at having their sovereign countries flooded by an influx of their own citizens. According to leaders from Colombia, Costa Rica, Ecuador, and Venezuela, Trump's deportations are unjustly violating their countries' rights to not be flooded by their own citizens. "We cannot sustain the tidal wave of our own citizens coming back over our borders," complained Colombian President Gustavo Petro. "Colombia is being overrun by all the violent, criminal, rapist Colombian citizens Trump is funneling into our country. His immigration policies must be...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The leader of the free world was sporting a new look this morning, as witnesses noticed that President Donald Trump's skin had returned to normal human color just one day after HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. began phasing out artificial dyes. The president's hue marked a drastic change from the standard orange-tinted tone he had become known for, with experts speculating that RFK Jr.'s ban on synthetic dyes resulted in Trump's skin reverting back to a far more natural shade commonly associated with human beings. "He's a cleaner, far less-toxic Trump," said one White House...

https://babylonbee.com/news/cnn-reports-behind-closed-doors-pope-is-focused-sharp-and-energeticVATICAN CITY — CNN journalists on the ground at the Vatican are reporting that behind closed doors, Pope Francis remains focused, sharp, and brimming with energy. Though videos circulating online have purportedly showed Pope Francis to be dead and lying in state at Saint Peter's Basilica, CNN stated these videos were "deepfakes" and part of a right-wing misinformation campaign. "Claims of the Pope being dead are completely ridiculous. Francis has so much energy, we can barely keep up with him," said Kaitlan Collins. "These videos use deceptive editing and clever angles to make it appear that Pope Francis is dead...

U.S. — Following news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had officially banned artificial food dyes, Post Consumer Brands announced that it would be changing its "Fruity Pebbles" cereal to the more compliant "Whitey Pebbles." The food giant said the cereal would feature all the same great ambiguously fruity flavors in similar packaging to the original, but now with 100% fewer carcinogenic food colors to avoid facing severe reprimands from Kennedy's Health Department. "All the deliciousness, none of the poison!" Post marketing representative Shelly Banks said. "There's nothing quite like waking up in the morning, heading into the kitchen,...

This week, investigative journalist Joel Gilbert revealed that his research discovered that New York Attorney General Letitia James committed mortgage fraud by making false statements on loan applications. In 2023 she claimed a property she purchased in Virginia as her primary residence. On another property loan in 1983 she claimed to be married to her father. These deceptions resulted in lower interest rates being granted. Needless to say, the AG of New York dioes not reside in Virginia and she and her father were not married to each other. While James did not directly refute the obvious deception of her...

U.S. — According to sources, several individuals who bypassed the legal process in migrating to the United States are demanding due process before being deported. "The law has to mean something!" said José, a member of the international crime gang MS-13. "America is a nation of laws, and laws must be followed, except for the ones that say I can't sneak in and do a bunch of murderin'. Those don't count." Washington Democrats blasted the Trump administration for swiftly punishing migrants just because they "broke the law," arguing that migrants shouldn't have to follow the law. "Following the law is...

GLORY — The afterlife of one of the world's most prominent religious figures got off to an awkward start today, as Saint Peter reportedly asked the newly arrived Francis if he could have his pope hat back. Witnesses said the uncomfortable interaction occurred just after Pope Francis approached the pearly gates, with the revered Simon Peter allegedly confronting him to ask for the return of his special papal headdress. "Would you mind handing that over to me, bruh?" Peter reportedly asked. "I'm sure you've taken good care of it for me, but… you know… I'd appreciate it if I could...

The Jewish comedian has long made Nazi references in his satire.Add Larry David to the list of celebrities who were put off by comedian Bill Maher’s friendly sitdown with President Trump. In a New York Times opinion piece, “My Dinner with Adolf,” the Jewish creator of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” imagines a get-to-know-you meeting “at the Old Chancellery with the world’s most reviled man, Adolf Hitler.” The narrator ends up being charmed by the Nazi leader. “I thought that if only the world could see this side of him, people might have a completely different opinion,” he gushes. The essay doesn’t...

Former Secretary of the Treasury during Biden's presidency Janet Yellen called Trump's efforts to revitalize America's manufacturing capabilities "a pipe dream. Not only will it not happen, it's not even a desirable goal. America has entered a post-industrial phase. Generation Z quite sensibly rejects the idea of having to work for a living. We won't have the workforce needed to run complex industrial output in another 20 years." "In contrast, China has millions of workers willing to accept extraordinarily low wages," Yellen contended. "Why not let them do the work making products so Americans can concentrate on consuming them? China...

https://babylonbee.com/news/male-churchgoers-partake-in-beloved-easter-tradition-of-being-forced-to-wear-pastel-polo-shirtsU.S. - The nation's churchgoing men have reported that they had a great time partaking in their beloved annual tradition of being forced to wear pastel shirts on Easter Sunday. The tradition goes back as far as the early church, where the apostles begrudgingly wore pastel robes at their wives' bidding each time they celebrated the risen Lord. "We just love letting our wives pick out pink, baby blue, or pastel green polo shirts for us to wear all day long," one man wearing a pink shirt mumbled as his wife stood nearby listening. "It's a really great tradition. We...

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton warned "if they can ship Kilmar Abrego Garcia to a foreign prison—accused of no crime, with no trial—they can do it to anyone. Americans of conscience must stand against this now." Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Ma) warned that "if President Donald Trump's administration can deport Kilmar Abrego-Garcia, they can 'disappear' you. This is the time for the American people to start fighting back for our country." Rep. Debbie Dingell (D-Mi) said "I did three town halls in a 24 hour period. One was in a very conservative part of my district that voted for Trump,...

This week, Sen. Chris Van Hollen (D-Md) flew to El Salvador on a quest to secure the return of Kilmar Abrego-Garcia to the US, saying "this Maryland family man is one of my constituents who was wrongfully abducted from his home and flown to his country of birth by the Trump Administration. This man escaped from El Salvador as a teenager in fear for his life and was granted refugee status by a US court. Sending him back there is a cruel and callous disregard for his life." White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt disputed the Senator's characterization of the...

This week, District of Columbia Judge Ibn al-Murderu ordered the restoration of the USAID funds designated for Hamas that he says "Secretary of State Marco Rubio has illegally canceled. The desire for government efficiency does not override the commitments made by the prior Biden Administration." ACLU spokesperson Bertram Petty praised the ruling, calling it "both correct and humane. Israel has cut off the humanitarian aid to Gaza that Hamas had been pilfering to supplement the contractual payments USAID had been making to the organization. This has made it impossible for Hamas to meet its payroll obligations to its fighters. These...

AUGUSTA, ME — The state of Maine has recently continued its struggle for equity by suing the federal government to allow Sasquatch to continue competing in women's sports. According to Governor Janet Mills, Maine will "always be a safe place" for Sasquatch to play women's volleyball or any other women's sport his enormous mammalian heart desires. "Deep inside Sasquatch's hulking muscles and furry coat is a little girl who just wants to play," said Mills. "We in Maine will never kowtow to the federal government's argument that 'sometimes Sasquatch rips girls' limbs off, creating an unsafe environment.' Sasquatch has not...

Though men were the first to reach for the stars, science has proven definitively that women are far better suited to the task. Consider the evidence. Here are ten reasons women make better astronauts than men: They look so cute in their little space outfits: Science has proven that girl astronauts look way cuter in little space outfits. Men could never pull this off. Space is a vacuum and women love vacuums: For cleaning. If you time the mission right, they're all in good moods and super cooperative: But if your timing is off... God help you. They need...

https://babylonbee.com/news/9-loopholes-to-help-you-avoid-paying-taxesIt's that time of year again when everyone lets the government steal from them in the form of "taxes." But what if there were some easy tricks to avoid paying taxes altogether?The Babylon Bee has come up with the following list of clever loopholes to get out of giving Uncle Sam any of your hard-earned money:Get yourself deported to an El Salvadorian prison: This one's easier now than it's ever been. Just find your nearest Homeland Security office and tell them your name is Manuel and you're here illegally.Claim all 15 million illegal aliens as your dependents: This is technically...

CAMBRIDGE, MA — In the wake of the Trump administration freezing $2.3 billion in federal funding to Harvard University, leaders of the university are sounding the alarm that the loss of funding will severely cripple their ability to find a final solution to the Jewish Problem. The Jewish Problem, according to Harvard, is that there are many Jews on campus and these Jews believe they have a right to attend classes without being harmed, even though they are Jews. Trump had frozen federal funding in part over a disagreement with the university's tolerance for violent antisemitism on campus, which Harvard...

Internal State Department documents reveal that in 2023 when a Chinese spy balloon coasted across North America collecting intelligence, Biden Administration officials were more worried about how public exposure of this intrusion would affect our relationship with China than they were about the security breach. When Secretary of State Antony Blinken attempted to discuss the matter with President Biden he was told "Hunter says there nothing to be concerned about. He is in direct contact with members of the Chinese government who purchased the balloon's 'visitation rights' from him. It's only gathering weather data to help better prepare for potential...