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Keyword: satire

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  • Objections to Electoral Votes [semi-satire]

    01/16/2021 9:36:11 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2021 | John Semmens
    Despite hundreds of witness affidavits attesting to election "irregularities," videos of suspicious behavior in some vote counting locations, thousands of ballots in the names of dead people being cast, precinct turnouts exceeding 100% of eligible voters in numerous areas, never folded mailed-in ballots, and dozens of malfunctioning vote counting machines—all of which supported the hypothesis that the presidential election may have been stolen, Democrats are currently eager to punish anyone who questions the outcome. Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-MD) called the raising of questions "dangerously divisive. Trump and his supporters are undermining the legitimacy of the election. It is the patriotic...
  • Bill Would Ban Trump from Capitol [semi-satire]

    01/15/2021 8:53:10 PM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2021 | John Semmens
    Calling last week's riot at the US Capitol "the worst thing that has ever happened in America," Rep. Nikema Williams (D-GA) has filed a bill that would permanently bar Donald Trump from entering the building. "Above all else, members of Congress deserve to feel safe as they go about conducting the people's business," she said. "I, for one, would be greatly reassured if I knew that the Capitol Police were to be authorized to shoot him on sight should he ever attempt to enter this sacred place." Inasmuch as Trump was not in the Capitol when the riot took place,...
  • FBI Puts Agents On Overtime Before Inauguration (Satire)

    01/15/2021 4:01:26 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 3 replies
    1/15/21 | RetiredTexasVet
    Director Chrissy Wray has put all of the FBI agents on overtime before the inauguration of Slow Joe Biden. FBI agents will be venturing into bars, strip clubs, BLM, ANTIFA and drug dens to recruit rioters for the inauguration at the nations capitol and state capitols. The FBI will provide the going FBI CI rates, MaGA hats, food and lodging, transportation, bail money and "Friend of Judge Sullivan" cards to recruits. Potential recruits should be prepared to be able to assemble and use gasoline based flammables, beat old people with sticks, break windows, and use vile language when referring to...
  • Out-Of-Work Waitress Excited To See Congress Spend Time Impeaching Trump Again

    01/15/2021 12:19:26 PM PST · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 14 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | January 14, 2021 | The Babylon Bee
    SAINT PAUL, MN—With Democrats in control of Congress, Americans are looking forward to seeing their elected representatives put the needs of the American people first. Democrats have responded by pursuing the one thing every American affected by devastating lockdowns needs: another Trump impeachment. According to experts, there are millions of struggling Americans-- many of whom are completely destitute-- wondering where their next Trump impeachment is coming from. Local unemployed waitress and single mother Alissa Martins spoke to reporters, saying she is "very happy" about this development. "I haven't made a dime in over 3 weeks," said the struggling young mother....
  • Trump Close To Filling Impeachment Punch Card For Free Sub Sandwich

    01/14/2021 8:53:25 PM PST · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 18 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | January 13, 2021 | The Babylon Bee
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—With Trump closing in on a record second impeachment in 4 years, he is now close to filling out his impeachment punch card that grants him a free sub sandwich of his choice in the Capitol Building cafe. "It's a little-known addition to Article II, Section 4 of the U.S. Constitution you may not have heard of," said Constitutional scholar Jenna Ellis. According to Ellis, the full section reads as follows: "The President, Vice President and all Civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high...
  • Professor Calls for Election Investigation [semi-satire]

    01/14/2021 9:26:49 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2021 | John Semmens
    Prof. Jonathan Turley, a constitutional scholar and longtime Democrat, has called for a "thorough, no holds barred investigation of the 2020 presidential election." Turley says that "while I don't personally believe the election was stolen, the fact that tens of millions of voters do is cause for concern. Rather than telling these people to shut up and sit down, I think it would better serve the quest for unity if all the claimed evidence cited by Trump and his supporters could be carefully examined in a fully transparent and open process." "Contrary to media claims, these claims have not really...
  • (Satire) Marine Corps. Rebukes Pelosi: “WE DON’T WORK FOR YOU!”

    01/14/2021 7:21:19 AM PST · by Candor7 · 95 replies
    Real Raw News ^ | January 13, 2021 | Staff
    General David H. Berger, Commandant of the United States Marine Corps., refused House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s request to use the Corps. to safeguard Biden’s Jan. 20 inauguration from Trump supporters and insurrectionists. A Pentagon source speaking under promise of anonymity told Real Raw News that Pelosicontacted Gen. Berger late Monday night, and she beseeched him to commit 5,000 troops to help ensure a peaceful transition of power and to prevent a repeat of the Jan 6 siege of the Capitol. Gen. Berger, our source said, didn’t understand why Pelosi needed additional soldiers to augment an already impressive force assembled by...
  • NY Dems Want COVID Detention Camps [semi-satire]

    01/13/2021 9:24:55 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2021 | John Semmens
    New York State Assembly Member Noah Nicholas Perry (D-Brookyn) has introduced legislation that would authorize Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) to "order the detention of any person who poses an imminent and significant threat to the public health." "The governor has issued numerous decrees ordering folks to stay home, shutdown their businesses, stay out of church, always wear a mask, and refrain from family gatherings involving nonresidents of the home," Perry said. "Most people obey, but there are recalcitrant types who complain that they have a right to live as they please. The fines we have been levying are ineffective when...
  • FBI Finds Buffalo Guy Grazing At Yellowstone Park

    01/12/2021 7:07:18 PM PST · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 13 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | January 11, 2021 | The Babylon Bee
    WYOMING—It was a blistering 7 below zero this morning at Yellowstone National Park, but that didn’t seem to faze Buffalo Guy Jake Angeli, who was grazing on the vegetation. FBI agents were made aware earlier this week that Yellowstone is Angeli’s natural habitat, so they arrived on the scene this morning with a warrant for his arrest and their weapons drawn. “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!” shouted FBI agent Patrick Henderson as Angeli’s head emerged from the tall grass. “HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!” “You talking to me?” asked the Buffalo Guy with his mouth full. “Because these are clearly hooves, not...
  • Trump Sneaks Back On Twitter By Disguising Self As PR Rep For Chinese Communist Party

    01/12/2021 6:01:53 PM PST · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 12 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | January 8, 2021 | The Babylon Bee
    U.S.—Donald Trump was permanently banned from Twitter today, being a crazy fringe extremist who also happens to be the president of the United States. But the ever-clever Trump, always known as the smartest man in the room, has managed to get back on the social network by disguising himself as one Chongald Xrump, PR specialist for the Chinese Communist Party. Trump is reportedly attempting to build a following by tweeting about how good Uighur concentration camps are and how nice the Chinese government is, since those things are not banned under Twitter's terms of service. Once he has enough followers,...
  • NY Dem Wants to Ban Body Armor [semi-satire]

    01/12/2021 2:06:26 PM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2021 | John Semmens
    New York Assembly Member Jonathan Jacobson (D-Newburgh) is sponsoring a bill that would outlaw the possession of body armor by any private person in the state. Jacobson explained that "with millions of potential Trump-supporting insurrectionists residing in our state our law enforcement and national guard troops could be substantially outnumbered. The only edge we have is the body armor we can provide for our troops. To protect this edge we must immediately ban the possession of similar equipment by private persons." Jacobson acknowledged that "there might be legitimate reasons for a person to want such protection. For some unknown reason...
  • Evil Fascist Dictator Censored And Voted Out Of Office

    01/11/2021 4:55:37 PM PST · by Rummyfan · 6 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 11 Jan 2021 | Anonymous
    The dangerous, evil, all-powerful, fascist, Nazi dictator Donald Trump has been voted out of office and censored, as is tradition for evil dictators. “I never thought I’d live to see the day where America is ruled by a dictator!” said concerned American Kelly Lampler. “But at least now he’s a dictator that has been effortlessly silenced online!” “We are living through scary times indeed under the rule of this fascistic tyrant,” said worried CNN reporter Zeeke Chambers at a time when zero journalists or dissenters have been silenced, jailed, or executed by this administration. Like many dictators before him Trump...
  • Dems Want to Punish Republicans [semi-satire]

    01/11/2021 10:14:42 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2021 | John Semmens
    Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) is drafting articles of impeachment against President Trump. "People ask me why I'm going to the trouble," Omar said. "They say he lost the election and has agreed to transfer power to Biden on January 20th. But Trump has also said that he will never stop trying to make America great. If we simply let him leave he will be free to do that. We need to drive a stake through the heart of this monster. If we impeach him we can bar him from ever seeking office again." "A little more than two years ago...
  • Twitter Bans Trump [semi-satire]

    01/10/2021 9:58:57 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2021 | John Semmens
    After getting word that some of the people who went to protest at the capitol were not entirely peaceful and respectful toward members of Congress, Trump urged all his supporters to “go home in peace.” Twitter cited this tweet as a rationale for permanently banning Trump from his Twitter account. As CEO Jack Dorsey explained “the meme being broadcast by the media is that Trump goaded his supporters to terrorize the federal government in order to seize control and overthrow our democracy. His ‘go home in peace’ tweet falsely contradicts this meme. We cannot allow our platform to be used...
  • Biden Says "Trump Incited Insurrection" [semi-satire]

    01/09/2021 12:21:24 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2021 | John Semmens
    After the "Stop the Steal" rally held in Washington DC on Wednesday, thousands of those who attended walked over to the Capitol to protest the acceptance of electoral votes obtained by election fraud. As hundreds of shrieking congressmen cowered under their desks a police officer shot an unarmed protester trying to enter the chamber where the debate initiated by formal challenges to some of the electoral votes was getting underway. President-Elect Joe Biden characterized the protest as an insurrection and blamed Trump "for inciting what history will come to be called the worst threat to democracy this country has ever...
  • Biden Favors Quick Dispersal of Vaccines [semi-satire]

    01/09/2021 12:40:49 AM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2021 | John Semmens
    Chiding the Trump Administration's plan for distributing the COVID vaccines too slowly, President-Elect Joe Biden promised to "step on the gas pedal." Since the vaccines currently available seem to require two shots per patient for optimal effectiveness, the Trump Administration has been reserving the second shots in order to ensure that they can complete the immunizing protocol. "Look, we are able to send out stimulus checks even though the federal government is trillions of dollars in debt," Biden said. "Republicans are always scared that there won't be money to fund necessary expenditures. Now they are scared that there won't be...
  • Ignorant Republicans Riot And Don't Even Get Any Big-Screen TVs

    01/08/2021 2:05:00 PM PST · by budj · 7 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 1/7/2020 | Somebody at the Bee
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—Ignorant Republicans rioted yesterday but didn't even snag any free big-screen TVs out of the deal, sources at the Capitol Building reported. The short-sighted protesters stormed the Capitol without stealing a bunch of stuff, prompting many to question whether they really understand the purpose of a peaceful protest at all. "Look at these morons, rioting at the Capitol when there's a perfectly good Target just down the street," said one CNN reporter. "If they'd looted a bunch of local businesses in the name of social justice or whatever, we'd be covering this protest a heck of a lot differently,...
  • California to Consider "Fugitive Slave" Law [semi-satire]

    01/07/2021 9:43:26 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 January 2021 | John Semmens
    Distressed at what a rising surge of out-migration is doing to the State's finances, Democrats in California are poised to make another run at enacting a wealth tax on these emigrants. Assemblyman Rob Bonta, sponsor of the wealth confiscation bill, acknowledged that "the right of persons to live wherever they want is a foundation block of a progressive society. That's why we need to erase our borders. However, this right does not extend to any property they might own. There is historic precedent for extracting an exit fee from those leaving a state. Notably, Germany had such a fee during...
  • Communists Plan Their Post Inauguration Festivities (Satire)

    01/06/2021 4:01:20 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 3 replies
    1/6/21 | RetiredTexasVet
    Slow Joe and Willys' Hoe are planning their post inauguration festivities in true communist tradition. Slow Joe, Willys' Hoe and the communist politburo will be rounding up the entire Trump family and dress them up as the Tsar Nicholas family. The children will be bayoneted and then shot in front of their families. The adults will be shot will be shot and publicly displayed by the Marxist State Media. Marxist State Media giants will have first choice at souvenirs. This will be done because of their many crimes and to ensure that all vestiges of the family are erased from...
  • Pelosi Defends Panel to Combat Wealth [semi-satire]

    01/06/2021 11:03:15 AM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 January 2021 | John Semmens
    House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) announced a new congressional committee to "combat the concentration of wealth in America and its role in triggering 2020's economic collapse. Millions of people lost their jobs. Thousands of businesses were closed. We need to find out how this was allowed to happen." Critics were quick to point out that the government played a major role in the economic misfortune inflicted on so many Americans. In Pelosi's home state it was Democrat Gov. Gavin Newsom who ordered a series of stay home and business shutdown orders that spurred the sharpest decline in personal income for...