Free Republic

Conservatism may be the superior political ideology, but don't beat yourself up, liberals. There's still plenty to be thankful for this year. Here are just a few examples: 1. Trump will probably die before he's 100, so he can only be president for like 20 more years: No one lives forever. 2. Trump got totally owned by Jimmy Fallon or Kimmel or whatever his name is: Tens of people saw it. 3. The right is currently tearing itself to shreds, arguing about whether they should team up with literal Nazis, so the future for Democrats is pretty bright actually: Just...

https://babylonbee.com/news/heaven-confirms-people-who-prefer-ham-at-thanksgiving-will-not-enter-the-kingdom HEAVEN — Celestial sources have recently confirmed that people who prefer ham to turkey at Thanksgiving will not enter the kingdom of God. According to the Almighty, preferring ham on the fourth Thursday of November is a sure sign of reprobation and will lead to a person's eternal damnation if they do not repent. "It is harder for one who prefers ham to enter the kingdom of Heaven than it is for a man to thread a needle," said Gabriel, a heavenly spokesangel. "Woe unto them who reject the grace of God by choosing the much-inferior ham to the...

https://babylonbee.com/news/trumps-strategy-of-hiring-lawyers-based-on-bust-size-not-working-as-well-as-anticipatedWASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump's seemingly bulletproof strategy of choosing lawyers exclusively based on bust size has not worked out nearly as well as anticipated. Trump was left befuddled this week as the administration suffered a string of legal setbacks despite all of his lawyers having large bra sizes. "How could she lose, she's so hot," wondered Trump. "It doesn't make any sense. Our lawyer clearly has a much larger bust than their lawyer. It's not even close. It's embarrassing, frankly, the bust comparison. We should have won easily. Maybe the judge is gay, or blind. There's no other way...

Jonathan Alpert, a licensed psychotherapist in New York City says "75% of my patients have Trump Derangement Syndrome. They are obsessed with Trump. They're hyperfixated on Trump. They say they can't sleep. They feel traumatized by Mr. Trump. They feel restless." "Our country has strayed so far away from where we once were," Alpert lamented. "If you look at the '80s when President Reagan was shot, people were united. He famously said, 'I hope you're all Republicans' to the surgeons. The response was, 'Today, Mr. President, we're all Republicans.' But our country has lost that." Emma Nutz, a former patient...

CAPERNAUM — Residents of several nearby villages were abuzz with excitement this week, as the traveling carpenter-turned-teacher Jesus of Nazareth healed a demon-possessed man by taking away his smartphone. According to witnesses, the man's desperate friends and family brought him to Jesus after His disciples were unable to help him. Multiple reports indicated that the man's rages, convulsions, and foaming at the mouth were instantly healed as soon as Jesus removed the man's smartphone from his hand. "You could tell he was immediately a different person," one witness said. "He had been screeching and wailing, screaming about arguing with...

CHICAGO, IL — Residents of the Windy City noticed that it was beginning to look a lot like Christmas these days, as the Chicago Police Department kicked off the holiday season by unveiling festive red and green crime scene tape. The tell-tale yuletide sign began popping up around town early this year, as the police couldn't wait until after Thanksgiving to start cordoning off scenes of horrific murders and blood-stained street corners with tape that was noticeably more decorative and Christmas-y. "It brings a little bit of joy and childlike nostalgia to every deadly shooting," said Chicago Police Department...

Suspicions were raised around the internet as Wormtongue's X account was revealed to have been created in Isengard. Gríma, son of Gálmód, who goes by the handle "@Real_Grima6701" on X, has long been the trusted chief advisor to the sick-of-late King Théoden. He had always been esteemed as a loyal and faithful advisor in all the land of Rohan until the grey wizard Gandalf petitioned X to roll out their new "about this account" transparency feature which displays the country from which an account primarily operates based upon factors like download location and activity patterns. Now when users click on...

State Rep. Aftyn Behn (D-Nashville) says "the recent discovery of a podcast from 2020 where I said 'I hate the city, I hate the bachelorettes, I hate the pedal taverns, I hate country music, I hate all of the things that make Nashville. I hate it.' Won't stop me from winning this election." "This election" is a special election to fill the congressional seat vacated by former Rep. Mark Green (R) earlier this year. Her opponent for the seat Matt Van Epps suggested that "this district cannot be well-represented by a person who hates everything about it." Behn disagreed, saying...

Rep. Sheila Cherfilus-McCormick (D-Fla) has been indicted for stealing $5 million in Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) funds, laundering the proceeds, spending part of the money purchasing luxury items for her own personal use, giving part of the money to friends and relatives who then illegally donated to her campaign for Congress, and for tax evasion. Her brother Edwin Cherfilus, Nadege Leblanc, and David K. Spencer were also indicted as accomplices in one or more of the criminal acts. Additional details may be found on the website of the District Court for the Southern District of Florida at www.flsd.uscourts.gov. In...

https://babylonbee.com/news/average-iq-in-congress-expected-to-rise-7000-points-after-mtg-resignsWASHINGTON, D.C. — With Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene announcing her resignation in January, the average IQ in Congress is expected to rise about 7,000 points. Though the new average will be in the low 40s, the score will be substantially higher than the current mark of -6,940. "It's a big step up," explained Congressional aide Tim Buckley. "The mean IQ of a Congressman will still be roughly that of a baked potato, but we'll take it. She's been really dragging us down." Though the IQ test was not supposed to have the possibility of a negative score, Greene has gone...

https://babylonbee.com/news/mom-continues-longstanding-tradition-of-making-cranberry-sauce-for-no-oneLANSING, MI — Local mom Janet Fields has continued her decades-long tradition of making cranberry sauce for no one to eat. Despite no one remotely considering touching the cranberry dish for the past thirty years of Thanksgiving dinner, Fields remains undeterred. "Ope! Can't forget the cranberry sauce," said Fields as she began the feast preparations. "Wouldn't be Thanksgiving without cranberry sauce, you know. I love the color it adds to the table, it's so bright and festive. Mm, that smell! You know, I don't actually care for cranberry sauce myself, but it's part of the tradition and it's always gone...

https://babylonbee.com/news/microsoft-introduces-convenient-new-47-factor-authenticationSEATTLE, WA — The Microsoft Corporation announced today that they've developed a convenient new 47-factor authentication protocol for all Windows-enabled computers. A spokesperson for Microsoft said that the new unnecessarily complicated measure serves as the company's latest response to the ever-increasing need for digital security. "Two factors just weren't secure enough," said Wayne Parkington, director of media relations at Microsoft. "So we went back to the drawing board to design a simple, easy-to-use, 47-factor security protocol that anyone can remember." Starting today, users will need to enter their usernames and passwords to log in, followed by an authentication code sent...

After months of scurrilous accusations and gloating over how the Epstein case would bring about his end, President Trump agreed to sign the Congressional resolution authorizing the release of all the Epstein files in the government's possession. The results were not those Democrats had hoped for. Virginia Giuffre, one of Jeffrey Epstein's under-aged, sexually exploited victims, turned out to be a big fan of Donald Trump. In her book "Nobody's Girl" Giuffre had only positive things to say about him. She said Trump was not involved in Epstein's sex-trafficking network, was kind to her, never treated her inappropriately, and would...

This week, a six-pack of Democrat members of Congress urged federal military and intelligence officers to disobey "illegal orders." The six included Sen. Elissa Slotkin (Mich), Sen. Mark Kelly (Az), Rep. Chris DeLuzio (Penn), Rep. Maggie Goodlander (NH), Rep. Chrissy Houlihan (Penn), Rep. Jason Crow (Colo). All touted their own prior service in these federal agencies. Their joint statement asserted "this administration is pitting our uniformed military and intelligence community professionals against American citizens. Like us, you all swore an oath to protect and defend the Constitution. Right now, the threats to our Constitution aren't just coming from abroad, but...

NEW YORK, NY — Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani announced plans on Thursday to specifically target the rich with a new tax on anyone who makes more than $0.00 a year. The plan, dubbed the "How Much You Got?" Tax, was expected to go into effect in January after Mamdani officially takes office. He has called the tax a day-one initiative, claiming his bread lines would be a disaster without the increased revenue from taking all of everyone's money. "Everything will be free because we'll use everyone's money to pay for it," Mamdani said. "It's basic economics. You wouldn't understand." Officially, Mamdani...

https://babylonbee.com/news/in-show-of-support-for-immigrants-pope-leo-dons-new-papal-sombrero VATICAN — In a powerful show of solidarity with people who cross America's southern border illegally, Pope Leo XIV unveiled a brand new Papal Sombrero at the Vatican. The ornate Spanish headwear is trimmed with real gold and cost $12 million, according to sources. "Church teaching is clear on this. Walls are racist, and deporting illegal immigrants is a mortal sin," said Pope Leo as the Sistine Chapel Choir sang a lively rendition of "La Cucaracha" in Latin. "Also, our Catholic NGOs at the southern border are strapped for cash, and withholding these needed funds is an affront to...

https://babylonbee.com/news/new-thermostats-will-now-require-you-to-relinquish-your-man-card-in-order-to-turn-the-heat-on AKRON, OH — In order to properly shame the weak, newly installed thermostats will now require men to surrender their Man Card in order to turn on the heat. "You sure you want to do that, you low-T coward?" asked the thermostat, as local man Daniel Miller reached for the heat button. "If so, hand over your man card and go enroll yourself in a birthing class, immediately." Being a feeble namby-pamby, Mr. Miller has again considered turning on the heat after all of the house pipes froze, leaving the family without water. "I get that I will disgrace...

https://babylonbee.com/news/starving-african-children-raise-money-to-feed-ariana-grandeMEKELLE, ETHIOPIA — Starving African children bravely banded together this week to raise money to feed singer and actress Ariana Grande. The Feed Ariana Fund was established by 12-year-old Dawit Kebede, a starving child who lost both parents during the 2023 drought. He first became aware of Grande's predicament after a member of the World Food Programme (WFP) showed him one of her albums. "This woman needs the rice!" Kebede had allegedly exclaimed in his native tongue when he first saw her picture. "How is she still alive?" Kebede was quick to gather local children to take up the cause...

The disappearance of Amelia Earhart is one of America’s biggest mysteries. The iconic aviator who became the first woman to cross the Atlantic tragically went missing while attempting to fly around the globe in 1937. Many of the documents relating to her disappearance have been classified. Until now! Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard on Monday announced the Trump admin have released a new batch of documents relating to Earhart’s disappearance including her last message. CBS News provided further details of the declassified records and revealed what was Earhart’s last known communications on this earth: The U.S. National Archives has...

https://babylonbee.com/news/san-francisco-mayor-reminds-everyone-to-get-their-christmas-shoplifting-done-earlySAN FRANCISCO, CA — With Christmas just around the corner, San Francisco encouraged residents to get their shoplifting done early this year. "Hard to believe the looting season is already upon us!" said a spokesperson for city council. "We are encouraging all residents to begin shoplifting for Christmas before everything, including the stores themselves, are shuttered and gone!" Though typically last-minute shoplifters, local couple Jared and Stacey Adams said they would be committing grand larceny much earlier this year. "I waited until Christmas Eve last year and every store in the city had been cleared out and turned into safe...