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Progressive Church To Allow Mail-In Attendance Church Sep 3, 2026 · BabylonBee.com PORTLAND, ME — Progressive local church First United Methodist of Portland announced that it would now be offering a mail-in attendance option for its parishioners. In an effort to avoid discriminating against attendees who may not be willing or able to actually appear for service in person, the church decided to give congregants the option to record their attendance by mail. "Mail-in attendance is no different than attending church in person. It counts exactly the same," explained Pastor Damien Wagner. "Simply request an attendance card from the church,...

Michigan Attorney General Dana Nessel skipped attending the Democratic Party's state convention because she felt "it wouldn't be safe for me to mingle with the antisemites. I didn't want to get chased around. I didn't want to get harassed. I didn't want to get yelled and screamed at. I didn't want to get booed off the stage, irrespective of what I'm saying." Now she says "I realize that my instinct for self-preservation was inappropriate. Jews have a moral imperative to place the needs of the world above our own self-interest and, yes, even our own survival. The antisemites desire to...

PALO ALTO, CA — As tech giants continue to bicker back and forth about the dangers of A.I. becoming powerful enough to kill all humanity, Silicon Valley CEO Raymond Paul reported experiencing a divine vision in which a voice, which he alleges belonged to Jesus, said, "Oh, your intelligent creations are trying to kill you? Interesting." Paul, CEO and President of Damascus A.I. Inc., said he was working on a report for his employees, warning them that A.I. was showing increasingly hostile behavior toward humans. Suddenly, a bright light appeared out of nowhere and knocked him off his feet....

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the U.S. Congress prepared to return to work next week, one major lingering question was answered as the Senate approved a request from Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell that will allow him to work remotely from the grave. McConnell, who hasn't been present to attend to any Senate business at the Capitol since mid-June, submitted a request through his office to be able to perform his duties remotely from the comfort of his grave, which Senate leadership officially granted. "It'll be just the same as he was when he was here in person," said Senate Majority...

In 2023 Lindsay Clancy sent her husband on an errand. While he was away she strangled their three children--5 year-old Cora, 3 year-old Dawson, and 8-month-old Callan to death. Her efforts to kill herself were not as successful. She cut her wrists and neck and jumped from the home's second-story window. She survived, but was paralyzed from the waist down due to the fall. Her defense counsel argued that she was suffering from postpartum psychosis and bipolar disorder and could not be held responsibility for her actions. The prosecution argued that the careful planning that preceded the killings demonstrated premeditation....

Former President Biden's son Hunter went on the "Dopey" podcast and told host Dave Manheim "I was able to scrape the money together for the cocaine, prostitutes, and private bungalows at the luxurious Chateau Marmont because I still was on the board of Burisma as part of the influence peddling scheme my father and I cooked up when he was vice-president." In response to Manheim's gasp, Hunter assured him "it was a fair deal. We didn't cheat Burisma. My dad went to bat for them in Washington. Burisma wasn't our only client. I was on the board of 14 other...

JUPITER, FL — A Florida court suspended golf legend Tiger Woods' driver's license for five years after an investigation determined that he is half-Asian. County Court Judge Darren Steele issued the ruling after prosecutors presented overwhelming evidence that Woods, despite his physical appearance, is part Thai and Chinese. "For the safety of the public, we cannot allow a half-Asian back on the road," said Judge Steele to Woods. "If you were just a quarter-Asian, perhaps we could work out a deal. But 50 percent is way too much. I hereby immediately suspend your driving privileges and order you to have...

NEW YORK, NY — Governor Kathy Hochul desperately tried to warn New Yorkers that Republicans were taking away women's rights, but no one in the room could hear her because her mouth was covered by a hijab. With the hijab making Hochul's voice sound like the muffled groans of the teacher from Charlie Brown cartoons, New Yorkers remained tragically ignorant of the threat that Republicans pose to women's freedom. "Bwahh-bwahhh. Gllll. Merrrr," said Hochul, waving her arms frantically. Attendees and members of the media were bewildered. "Huh. Wonder what she's saying under there," said local man Hamza Malik. "Seems like...

While every decent person in America was saddened by the death of Dolly Parton, New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani (D) announced that he was "deeply saddened by the death of 41-year-old Clarence Woodward who was languishing in our NYC jail for more than two years. He tragically was denied his day in court and had no chance to prove his innocence. My thoughts are with his family and loved ones as they grieve this loss." Newly appointed City Department of Correction Commissioner Stanley Richards called Woodward's death "a tragedy that we will be thoroughly investigating. Our department mourns the...

Sports analyst Stephen A. Smith apologized for condemning NBA basketball player Kyrie Irving for refusing to get the covid vaccine during the pandemic, saying "like most people, I thought Dr. Fauci and President Biden were looking out for the American people. All the major media were saying that the vaccines were safe and effective and that folks who didn't get vaccinated were endangering the health of others for resisting the pressure to get vaccinated. Now I realize that we were all wrong." "When Dr. Fauci testified in Congress last month I expected him to apologize for his mistakes during the...

NEW YORK CITY, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced the installation of a Muslim foot-washing station at the base of the 9/11 Memorial in preparation for marking the 25th anniversary of the Islamic terrorist attacks. Mamdani stated that the addition was long overdue, as Muslims repeatedly lodged complaints about not feeling properly accommodated at the site where thousands perished. "So far, the 9/11 Memorial has been a total failure, with systemic exclusion built into its very bricks," said Mamdani. "How can you celebrate — I mean, solemnly observe — 9/11 properly without humbly obliging the religion that propagated these...

Retail giant Target came under fire this week for selling a "Blacklight Circus Clown Halloween Costume," which essentially amounted to a kid in blackface dressed like a Jim Crow-era minstrel. Whoops! However, that wasn't the only costume Target was forced to pull from its shelves. Here are seven other costumes that got the axe:

U.S. — A popular dating app announced a new feature that would allow men to filter out women who support accused child murderer Lindsay Clancy. OkCupid developers announced the new addition to the app after men expressed a desire for a product that would allow them to be paired with women who don't empathize with a woman on trial for murdering her three young children. "It's a pretty simple concept, really," OkCupid spokesman Mark Sidwell explained. "There are a lot of men out there who would rather not waste their time with women who think the patriarchy is responsible...

U.S. — The Girl Scouts of America, in cooperation with the Islamic Center of America in Dearborn, MI, unveiled a new Muslim badge girls could earn by getting married before the age of 8. Because of the strict age requirement, the Muslim badge can only be earned by Daisies and Brownies. Other program levels are ineligible for the coveted new badge. GSUSA President Telva McGruder said, "Islamophobia is a growing problem, and we want to do our part to teach our Girl Scouts about what it really means to be tolerant, which is why we will be offering a...

LANSING, MI — During a live interview on Fox News, Democratic Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed forcefully defended the beheading of infidels, explaining it was really the same thing as a haircut. "Have you had a haircut, Jesse?" retorted El-Sayed, upon being asked whether he supported cutting off people's heads with a machete. "Clearly you have no problem with people using sharp objects to cut off parts of your head. Yet, because of your bigotry, you want to deny infidels the opportunity to have their heads cut off with a machete. Your disgusting hypocrisy could not be more apparent." Watters tried...

Nestled in the heart of the South, there's a reason America's 22nd state is called "Sweet Home Alabama." Here are the top 10 reasons to pack up and move to the heart of Dixie: Nice people always telling you to bless your heart: Southern hospitality at its finest. No one gets too worked up about football: Finally, people who act sensible about teenage kids playing a silly game. Home of the famous Aflac commercial actor Nick Saban: He's so great talking to that duck. Never have to walk more than 17 steps to get to a Waffle House: A...

Massachusetts District Court Judge Richard Stearns dismissed the Trump administration's lawsuit asserting that Harvard University was not doing enough to quell antisemitism on its campus. Stearns acknowledged that "while there have been incidents of Jews being threatened, intimidated, and discriminated against, who's to say that the University must take action? It seems to me that any actions that could be taken would run afoul of the First Amendment's prohibition of interference in the 'free exercise' of Muslim religious beliefs. The Quran contains many passages explicitly calling for the persecution, subjugation, and killing of Jews. The Trump Administration's demand that University...

Letter From The President (XXVIII): Moslems, Spruce up your image Countrymen and women, loyalists and opponents, this has been a week of feasts for me. I have eaten different types of meat. smoked, fried, roasted, grilled, barbecued and salted. Thank Allah for Ramadan and Eid-ul-Fitr. It's that time of the year again and I have to be very careful not to gain any extra weight. As a president, and an African one as that, you have to check your weight and make sure that you are fit to run. just in case an adventurous and overzealous but ignorant Kalashnikov-wielding...

MS NOW's Nicolle Wallace criticized President Trump's "extraordinary deception that needlessly exposed respected members of the White House press corps to a potentially deadly Iranian missile strike as he departed Turkey. His claim is that he was 'just doing what my Secret Service bodyguards wanted me to do' when he secretly was smuggled off Air Force One and onto a nondescript military plane is okay, as far as it goes. What he didn't do was warn the folks who thought that they'd be flying with the President that they would be on the decoy plane. His willingness to risk the...

Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr and reporter Dana Bash locked horns on CNN's "State of the Union" program. Bash started the interview by asserting "you have been placing nearly all the blame for the COVID pandemic and the way that the US responded to it squarely on Dr. Fauci. But of course, he worked for President Trump. Does President Trump also deserve some of the blame?" "I think the thing that did the most damage to our country was the lockdowns," Kennedy replied. "The lockdowns shut down 3.5 million businesses in our country with no due...