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WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced the immediate deportation of the infamous "Phillies Karen," a woman who complained until a baseball was taken from a child, to an El Salvador Prison. "She took a ball from a kid. Who does that?" Trump said. "She's got no place here in America. I have revoked her citizenship. Even the losers and haters in the Democratic Party don't want her here. Adios, Karen!" Phillies Karen garnered attention Friday when she failed to catch a home run ball and, instead of going back to watching the game, complained about it. A local dad had...

GULF OF MEXICO — In a compromise intended to silence critics of the Trump Administration's aggressive stance against drug traffickers, the U.S. Navy airdropped a public defender onto a drug boat to give cartel members due process. After a previous strike on a boat of Venezuelan drug runners ignited a furious debate over the legality of such an action without a fair trial, orders were given for the Navy to go the extra mile and allow a defense attorney to parachute onto a suspected cartel vessel to provide legal representation. "We've heard the outrage and we're taking steps to do...

CHARLOTTE, NC — Democratic lawmakers responded to the fatal stabbing of a Ukrainian refugee aboard the Charlotte light rail by condemning all stabbing victims for inflating crime numbers. Furthermore, Democrats are calling on stabbing victims to stop dying, arguing that their deaths make soft on crime policies look soft on crime. "If you're going to be stabbed to death, at least make it look like an accident," Charlotte Mayor Vi Lyles urged her citizens. "Stabbing arrests unfairly affect minority communities, so we really need to take it easy on causing a fuss when we get stabbed." "It's what Dr. King...

Former New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio urged voters to elect Zohran Mamdani to be the City's next mayor, saying "he is the best person to resume the work that I did to try to make NYC the great place it can be. He has the right ideas. The rent freezes, free child care, free city buses, and city-owned grocery stores are the bold moves needed to recover from the dismal years under the incompetent governance of Mayor Eric Adams." "Mamdani's proposal to seize the means of production evokes the brilliance of how Lenin dispossessed the old ruling class...

PHILADELPHIA, PA — The nation is in shock today after a widely-circulated video showing a Philly sports fan acting like a Philly sports fan. The video shows a woman dressed in Phillies gear demanding a kid turn over the home run ball that his dad had just scored him on his birthday, which is the sort of horrific behavior expected of all Philly sports fans. "Stealing a kid's home run ball on his birthday, that's pretty standard," said Philly sports fan Mark Madison. "I don't really understand why everyone is acting so surprised and appalled. This is Philly we're talking...

Florida Surgeon General Joseph Ladapo announced that he will work with Gov. DeSantis (R) and the state legislature to repeal all laws mandating vaccinations. "The state should not be forcing anyone to get vaccinated," he said. "Look, if vaccinations work they will protect the person being vaccinated from both getting the disease and transmitting it to others. Doctors will remain free to recommend vaccination. Individuals will remain free to choose vaccinations for themselves and their children. We just don't need or want government to force anyone to get vaccinated." Dr. Susan Kressly, the president of the American Academy of Pediatrics,...

This week, Sen. Tim Kaine (D-Va) took issue with the American Declaration of Independence's assertion "that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." "I find the notion that human rights are granted by God to be extremely troubling," Kaine said at a Senate hearing. "The belief that some invisible God could be the source of a person's rights is what the Iranian government believes. The sparseness of the grant of only life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is miserly...

https://babylonbee.com/news/michigan-police-help-muslim-immigrants-feel-welcome-by-wearing-suicide-vests DEARBORN HEIGHTS, MI — In what experts described as a major step toward a greater level of inclusivity for law enforcement agencies across the country, one Michigan police department announced that it would help Muslim immigrants feel more welcome by having its officers wear suicide vests while out on patrol. The Dearborn Heights Police Department, which provides law enforcement to a town with a significant number of Muslim residents, held a press conference to introduce its latest initiative to make Middle Easterners feel more at home by outfitting officers with authentic suicide vests. "It's all about making the people...

LONDON — Authorities warned British citizens of widespread reports of a dangerous man loose on the streets, threatening to share an opinion. According to an official bulletin, the recently released Graham Linehan represented an urgent threat to public order, as he had not only come up with an idea not conforming to politically acceptable ideology all on his own, but also threatened to spread this idea by engaging others in reasonable civil discourse. "The suspect is about medium height, brown-haired, and radically free-thinking," the official police bulletin read. "Linehan, who we believe may be armed with a bullhorn or possibly...

Speculation has been swirling about President Donald Trump's health, with some people even spreading wild rumors that he died over the weekend. What's the real story? The Babylon Bee has come up with the following list of undeniable signs that Trump's health is going downhill: Trump has been occasionally posting in lowercase on social media, and his posts have been more coherent: This is not normal. He is sometimes seen sitting down: A sure sign of failing health. Obviously weak. He only managed to eat eight Big Macs today: It's like he's slowly fading away. The man's frickin' 80...

CHICAGO, IL — City officials were relieved to get some unexpectedly positive news following the holiday weekend, as Chicago shootings were reportedly down, as the guy who keeps track of all the shootings got shot. The numbers came as a pleasant surprise after what was feared to be a record-breaking Labor Day weekend in the Windy City, with the shooting of the guy who is responsible for tabulating all the shootings providing much-needed relief from the onslaught of violent statistics. "After that guy caught a bullet, our shooting numbers suddenly got a lot better," said Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson. "We...

Harjinder Singh, the illegal immigrant truck driver who made a left turn across a lane of traffic on the Florida Turnpike in order to use "an official vehicles only" cut through to traffic running in the opposite direction and caused a crash that killed a family of three, was the beneficiary of a petition signed by more than 2.5 million urging Florida officials to show leniency toward him. One of the signers cited the case of Jaskirat Singh Sidhu, an Indian immigrant truck driver who sped through a stop sign at nearly 60 mph and slammed into a bus killing...

Secretary of Health & Human Services (HHS) Robert F Kennedy's decision to revise the Center for Disease Control (CDC) regulations for the covid vaccine so rankled CDC Director Susan Monarez and her staff that they publicly criticized his decision. Monarez contends that "the successful launch of the mRNA vaccines during the pandemic saved millions of lives. The Secretary's decision to take these vaccines off the list of inoculations that children must receive to enter schools is unwarranted." Kennedy pointed out that "these vaccines bypassed the normal drug approval process. They were never properly tested for safety or effectiveness prior to...

The success of President Trump's crackdown on DC crime is impressing the majority of Americans. Vice President JD Vance observed "this town averaged one murder every other day for the last 20-30 years, which means in two short weeks the president and his team have saved six or seven lives. People who would have been killed on the streets of DC are now living, breathing, and spending time with their families because the president had the willpower to say no more, we're not going to give the streets of DC over to vagrants and robbers and murderers." A recent Harvard...

This week, a person who was "tired of being trans" opened fire on praying students at the Annunciation Catholic School in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Two children were killed and 17 others were wounded. The killer's manifesto complained "gender and weed f**ked up my head. I wish I never tried experimenting with either. Don't let your kids smoke weed or change gender until they are like seventeen." The heinous crime sparked outrage among many public officials. Mayor Jacob Frey (D) warned "the most important thing is that we not blame the 'trans community' for this tragedy." He insisted that "anti-trans hate is...

The world needs men. Sadly, however, many men are shirking their God-given responsibilities these days to live like little fancy boys. To guard against this spreading loss of masculinity, The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of guaranteed ways to lose your "man card." Linger too long on the soccer game while flipping through the channels: If your eyes cause you to sin by watching a gay sport, pluck them out. Not really know what a "joist" is: If you don't know, maybe ask your wife, since she probably wears the pants in your household. Go to therapy:...

This week, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard announced a dramatic reduction in expenditures for the agency she's head of. She characterized the cuts as "the start of a new era focused on serving our country, fulfilling our core national security mission with excellence, always grounded in the US Constitution, and ensuring the safety, security, and freedom of the American people." Senior ODNI officials who assisted in the months-long mission review stressed that the review was "incredibly thoughtful and thorough. It specifically took into account the feedback from staff who Director Gabbard encouraged to come to her with ideas on...

Doctor, I’m so screwed. You see the news about the FBI raiding neocon John Bolton’s home? Oh man, I’m so screwed. The New York Times just reported we’re hemorrhaging millions and millions of Democratic votes to those damn Republicans. And now Politico has come up with lists of stupid woke words we should ban to just to maintain our authenticity. Authenticity? What authenticity? “Among the blacklisted terms: privilege … violence (as in “environmental violence”) … dialoguing … triggering … othering … microaggression … holding space … body shaming … subverting norms … systems of oppression … cultural appropriation … Overton...

In April, illegal Harjinder Singh made an illegal u-turn on a Florida turnpike and caused a crash that killed three occupants of a minivan in the lane to the left of his semi-truck. Hoping to bolster his chances of running for president in 2028, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) pointed out that "Trump was president when Singh illegally entered the US. His failure to secure the border enabled this tragedy to occur." What Newsom failed to mention was that it was California that illegally granted Singh a commercial driver's license. When Singh was tested for English language proficiency by the Federal...

After arguing that Washington DC crime rates were not excessive, Democrats were outraged that the increase in federal law-enforcement efforts in the city has significantly reduced crime. "Since national guard troops and federal law-enforcement officers began patrolling the streets crime has sharply declined," President Trump declared. "This last week was the first week without a homicide in as long as anyone can remember. Carjackings decreased by 83%, robberies by 46%, and overall violent crime is down 22%. I'm thinking that a similar approach for other high-crime cities would be effective." DC Attorney General Brian Schwalb claimed "the deployment of more...