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Keyword: satire

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  • SSA to Ease Enrollment in Trump Accounts [semi-satire]

    07/05/2026 11:06:05 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 July 2026 | John Semmens
    The Social Security Administration (SSA) is setting up an automated process for parents to obtain Trump Accounts for their children. These Accounts can be established for newborns and children who have a valid Social Security number up until they reach the age of 18. A one-time $1,000 pilot program contribution from the Department of Treasury is available to children born between January 1, 2025, and December 31, 2028, who are US citizens with a valid Social Security number. So far, six million children have been enrolled in Trump Accounts. SSA Commissioner Frank Bisignano explained "Social Security numbers are the backbone...
  • Mamdani Fires Staffer Who Suggested NYC Prioritize NYC Over "palestine" (PreOccupied Territory)

    07/05/2026 12:28:16 AM PDT · by Words Matter · 32 replies
    EoZ ^ | 07/02/2026
    New York, July 2 - The city's mayor fired his deputy chief of staff Thursday after the aide had the audacity to propose that city resources focus on New York City rather than the Palestinian cause, in a move progressive activists haled as a principled stand against localism. The disgraced staffer, identified as career civil servant Rachel Katz, reportedly circulated a memo suggesting the administration tackle subway delays, migrant shelter overflows, and street crime before allocating more municipal staff time to Nakba commemorations and virtual Gaza solidarity hours. Sources say Mamdani read the document, turned pale with ideological fury, and...
  • No Time Limits on Ballot Counting [semi-satire]

    07/04/2026 10:35:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 July 2026 | John Semmens
    In another ruling, US Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett, writing for a 5-4 majority, declared that "the writers of the Constitution purposely left the election rules flexible, knowing that there might be future instances in which additional votes would need to be found and counted to reverse an undesired outcome from the election day counts. Therefore there is no specified legal time limit on counting the ballots. Caches of ballots that were somehow overlooked within the five business day limit the Court has created, but subsequently found years later can still be counted. As a hypothetical, say a sufficient...
  • Anyone Born in US Is a Citizen [semi-satire]

    07/04/2026 1:01:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 July 2026 | John Semmens
    This week, a 6-3 majority of the US Supreme Court struck down President Trump's executive order attempting to restrict citizenship to persons legally residing in the country and a 5-4 majority ruled that the Constitution's 14th Amendment decrees that any person born here is a citizen. Chief Justice John Roberts asserted that "we are a nation of immigrants. No humans originated on any land in the western hemisphere. All humans arrived here from somewhere else on the planet. Historically, the US government encouraged immigration in order to populate a largely empty landscape. Anyone who could make the journey into the...
  • Obama Presidential Library Scandal [semi-satire]

    06/29/2026 10:38:49 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 20 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 June 2026 | John Semmens
    Former President Obama has frequently and falsely asserted that his administration had no scandals. His recently opened eight-story Presidential Library took $850 million to build. Chicago's much more impressive 100-story Trump International Tower also took $850 million to build. As is normal for Democrats buying stuff, many of the contractors who worked on Obama's Library have not been paid. Obama pointed out that "we promised that building this structure would provide jobs and it did. It is not the fault of the Obama Foundation that the funds ran out before everyone could be paid. Considering the historic nature of my...
  • "Trans Femicide State of Emergency in Chicago" [semi-satire]

    06/28/2026 10:47:41 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 June 2026 | John Semmens
    Alarmed by the recent murder of a transgender woman, Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson (D) has redeclared what he calls "a trans femicide state of emergency. Too many transgender Chicagoans don't feel safe in spaces where they should feel safe and welcome. This declaration renews a state of emergency first declared in 2024. It is shameful that I have to reiterate this, but the killing must stop." Critics question the Mayor's focus on such a small fraction of the city's homicides. In the last decade 14 transgenders have been murdered. During this same period more than 5,000 non-transgenders have been murdered....
  • Ensuring that Mail-in Ballots Go to Registered Voters [semi-satire]

    06/27/2026 12:12:10 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 June 2026 | John Semmens
    In an effort to reduce fraud via mail-in ballots, President Trump has directed Postmaster General David Steiner to refuse to deliver mailed ballots in states that refuse to submit voter registration data to the federal government. During a Senate hearing testimony, Steiner pointed out that "a super-majority of registered voters want ballots to be cast only by US citizens. The only way to fulfill this mandate is to verify that every person who casts a ballot is a citizen. Folks who vote in-person can easily show a photo ID that verifies they are a person registered to vote. Folks who...
  • Dems Object to End of Temporary Protected Status [semi-satire]

    06/27/2026 12:24:40 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 June 2026 | John Semmens
    This week in Mullin v. Doe, a 6-3 majority of the US Supreme Court ruled that the temporary protected status granted to immigrants from Haiti in 2010 could be discontinued by the Trump Administration. Writing for the majority, Justice Samuel Alito asserted that "a temporary status initiated by a previous administration can be terminated by a later administration if it determines that the conditions justifying the original decision have changed. In this case, the temporary protection was initiated due to an earthquake in Haiti." In her dissenting opinion, Justice Elena argued that "the original temporary protection order was put in...
  • Happy 100th Birthday, Mel Brooks!

    06/26/2026 7:44:55 PM PDT · by Red Badger · 41 replies
    NY Times ^ | June 26, 2026 | Manohla Dargis and Jason Zinoman
    Here are 100 reasons to love the comedy writer, director and star who’s celebrating a milestone on Sunday. No. 1 He started a novel titled “Springtime for Hitler.” No. 2 He turned that into a play. No. 3 He turned that play into a flop film titled “The Producers.” No. 4 He won a screenplay Oscar for that flop … No. 5 … turned that flop into a Broadway hit … No. 6 … then tried to destroy “The Producers” on “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” No. 7 He never did a serious movie because to him comedy was serious. No. 8...
  • In Powerful Act Of Protest, Liberals Begin Adding Algae To Drinking Water

    06/25/2026 8:44:59 AM PDT · by dayglored · 11 replies
    The Bee ^ | Jun 24, 2026 | The Bee
    U.S. — In a powerful showing of solidarity with the algae discoloring the newly-renovated Reflecting Pool, liberals across the nation have begun adding green pond scum to their drinking water. Democrats are proudly guzzling the verdant potable, a small act of daily rebellion against the tyranny of President Trump. The trend gained momentum after activists began posting videos of themselves drinking murky green water under the hashtag #StandWithTheScum. Influencers competed to demonstrate their commitment by consuming increasingly opaque beverages. "Take that, Donald," said local liberal woman Amy Gunther as she videoed herself gulping down another glass of algae. "Team...
  • Amelia - Replacing Starmer With Burnham Is Like... | AI Satirical Song

    06/24/2026 6:23:45 AM PDT · by Eleutheria5 · 11 replies
    0:022 seconds: been a number [music] 10 for what feels like forever. Taxes upers wide and the country's under weather. Now the Red Rose boys are whispering Burnham's our 0:1111 seconds: guy. Like swapping the driver on the same sinking ship is why they say he's [music] different. He's northern he's tough, but he's still the same party 0:1919 secondsthat loves to tax stuff. Same manifesto, 0:2121 seconds: [music] 0:2222 seconds: same net zero dreams. Same open borders and the same work schemes. Replacing star [music] 0:2929 seconds: with burn is like [ __ ] in your pants and changing...
  • We Asked AI To Simulate If The U.S. Had A Second Civil War

    06/23/2026 6:33:42 PM PDT · by Tench_Coxe · 21 replies
    What would happen if Civil War broke out in the United States again in 2026? Thankfully, with modern AI technology, we no longer need to wonder.
  • Free Chocolate Condoms in NYC [semi-satire]

    06/23/2026 11:00:40 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 June 2026 | John Semmens
    In New York City, gonorrhea rates have doubled over the last 10 years and syphilis cases are rising statewide. Mayor Zohran Mamdani boasted that "my predecessors were negligent in dealing with this crisis, but I have secured a cheap supply of chocolate condoms that we are distributing free-of-charge to those who need them." Apprised that the condoms are manufactured by a Malaysian company that has been accused of slavery, the Mayor pointed out "none of these slaves are my constituents. I am not responsible for their welfare. I am responsible for the welfare of New Yorkers and will not apologize...
  • Reflecting Pool Algae Surges Ahead Of Kamala In 2028 Democrat Presidential Polls

    06/22/2026 1:44:23 PM PDT · by DFG · 20 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 06/22/2026 | Babylon Bee
    WASHINGTON, D.C. — The algae from the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool surged ahead of former Vice President Kamala Harris in polls for the Democratic Party's 2028 presidential nomination. The news came over the weekend after many Democrats expressed approval of the green sludge covering much of the newly renovated reflecting pond in front of the national monument. Many said they thought the ooze adequately reflected their values and political objectives over other potential candidates like Harris. "I like that stuff," Democratic voter Kelsey Waters said. "I'd vote for it in a heartbeat. It knows how to stand up to Republicans,...
  • LA City Council to Expand Voting Rights [semi-satire]

    06/22/2026 11:54:10 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 June 2026 | John Semmens
    This week the Los Angeles City Council voted 10-5 to place an election reform proposition on the November ballot. Councilman Hugo Soto-Martinez explained "most members of the Council are tired of the nonstop harassment over voter ID we're getting from Republicans at the local and national level. I mean, the insistence that voting ought to be confined to citizens is simply unfair. Everyone who resides in the City should have a say in who governs them. This includes individuals who have no mailing address. Why should the homeless and poorest inhabitants of our City be denied a voice?" The Councilman...
  • ISIS Claims Responsibility For Reflecting Pool Algae

    06/22/2026 9:41:50 AM PDT · by dayglored · 7 replies
    The Bee ^ | Jun 20, 2026 | The Bee
    KABUL — The notorious terrorist organization ISIS has claimed responsibility for an algae attack that has disrupted the beautiful blue color of the Reflecting Pool. An ISIS spokesman released a statement today stating that the group was behind the infiltration of the pool by algae, turning the radiant blue water an unsightly off-green hue. "You have now seen the carnage we are capable of," said ISIS spokesman Ali Kandrahar. "Look how gross that green color is. Nasty. We have brought the Reflecting Pool to its knees, and this is only but a taste of what we have in store...
  • "Hollywood Needs a Bailout" [semi-satire]

    06/21/2026 10:19:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 June 2026 | John Semmens
    Sen. Adam Schiff (D–Calif) wants "federal money for subsidies for movies to be made in Hollywood. For over 100 years movies made in Hollywood have entertained the world. Lately, though, more and more movies are being made in other states and countries where costs are lower. It's not fair. I've drafted legislation that will help offset the higher California costs by providing more federal support for this historically vital industry." "Critics say the high cost of making movies in California is our own fault," Schiff observed. "They say that corruption and incompetent government are self-inflicted wounds. Well, Spencer Pratt said...
  • Muslim Lectures Jew on Genocide [semi-satire]

    06/20/2026 10:54:50 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 June 2026 | John Semmens
    Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) chided Jerry Seinfeld for rejecting repeated demands that he say "Free Palestine" in the post-game celebration of the New York Knicks winning the NBA championship. Instead, he said "Palestine doesn't exist." "Anyone who won't support a free Palestine is a horrific human being," the Congresswoman asserted. "As a Jew, Seinfield should be especially sympathetic to others who are being subjected to the same kind of treatment the Jews endured during the Holocaust." Seinfeld defended himself, saying "the people that Ms. Omar is purporting to champion are not being sent to death camps for extermination by Nazis....
  • Fauci Funded Creation of COVID {semi-satire]

    06/19/2026 11:15:47 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 June 2026 | John Semmens
    This week, Director of National Intelligence (DNI) Tulsi Gabbard released "evidence showing how Dr. Anthony Fauci, as head of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, provided millions in US taxpayer funds to support research on bat coronaviruses at the Wuhan Institute of Virology in China and how he worked with the Intelligence Community to suppress the truth about his actions, the virus' lab-leak origins, and his role in directing this dangerous research that caused widespread harm and killed millions of people." "After years of lies, censorship, and cover ups, the American people deserve truth, and accountability," Gabbard said....
  • Al Gore Explains That While ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ Did Not Prove Accurate, It Did Make Him Incredibly Rich

    06/19/2026 9:31:36 AM PDT · by dayglored · 15 replies
    The Bee ^ | Jun 18, 2026 | The Bee
    NASHVILLE, TN — While commemorating the film's 20th anniversary, former Vice President Al Gore explained that while An Inconvenient Truth did not prove to be accurate, it did make him incredibly rich. Gore, who wrote and starred in the Oscar-winning documentary, was happy to sit down for an interview with ABC News' Ginger Zee this week to discuss how successful the film was at building his wealth. "I think the film was a great success, actually," Gore said, speaking of the film's numerous failed predictions. "For me, that is. It may not have been true in any way, but...