Free Republic

SAN FRANCISCO — Pride Month festivities drew to a close Monday with one final Pride Parade that was closely followed by a Disinfectant Parade. Street sweepers, janitors, and crime scene cleaners, all clad in HAZMAT suits, were joined by a marching band that played loud trumpets to mask the noise of the heavy cleaning equipment. "Ugh, gross," said a marcher in the disinfectant marching parade as he trudged through piles of unspeakably filthy and highly infectious parade trash. "I mean, yay pride!" As the parade progressed, the rainbow-colored motif of Pride was replaced with the vibrant blue of barbicide...

The Democratic Socialists of America (DSA) has decided that face masks will be strongly encouraged rather than required for their August 2025 national convention. This slight move to allow a small bit of individual choice was harshly condemned by the Democratic Socialists of Maine (DSM). "The National Political Committee's decision to make masking optional, despite years of advocacy from DSA's Disability Working Group puts members at risk, and has already had an impact on our delegation," said a name-witheld-on-request spokesperson for DSM. "COVID is still a threat to the working class in 2025, and to deny this would be a...

U.S. — In the wake of the United States Supreme Court ruling that will effectively prevent district courts from issuing nationwide injunctions, a district court issued a nationwide injunction against the Supreme Court ruling. In a stinging rebuke, Federal Judge James Boasberg handed down a nationwide decision against the Supreme Court, which struck down the Supreme Court's ruling that he and other lower court judges had no authority to hand down nationwide decisions. "This nationwide injunction holds that the Supreme Court's ruling against our nationwide injunctions is unconstitutional," Boasberg said in his ruling. "The United States Supreme Court, despite holding...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented move sure to take the legal world by storm, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson issued a savage dissent in the form of a TikTok dance. Jackson, the newest justice on the court, eschewed the traditional format of a written dissent to instead embrace the more modern trend of expressing her opinion through an interpretive dance posted on the popular social media app TikTok. "Alright, ya'll, check it out, I'm about to dissent," Jackson could be heard saying at the start of the video before breaking into a choreographed routine. "The other justices seem to think...

Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass said "the ICE raids are scaring immigrants from going to their jobs to earn the income they need to pay their rent. Everyone I talk to says that as long as ICE is here we need another rent moratorium to prevent these folks from being evicted." Kenia Alcocer, representative of the Los Angeles Tenants Union and an illegal alien herself, says "we know that many immigrants will not be able to pay their rent come July 1. Without a rent moratorium landlords will be able to kick us out of our homes. We had a...

Concerned that "ICE enforcement efforts to arrest illegal immigrants are taking over our streets," Vice-Mayor Cynthia Gonzalez of Cudahy--a suburb of Los Angeles--urged members of two local gangs Florencia 13 and 18th Street "to defend our turf from these uninvited invaders who are terrorizing Latinos." The Los Angeles Police Protective League, a union representing thousands of police officers, condemned the Vice-Mayor's remarks, saying "what Ms. Gonzalez urged and taunted these specific gangs to do in her social media post puts police officers and other law enforcement professionals at greater risk. These two gangs have murdered police officers. Her actions are...

Locals have begun questioning the authenticity of purported Mexican restaurant "El Bandido" as ICE has yet to raid the restaurant a single time. With nearby restaurants being hit by ICE on a near-daily basis, concerns about El Bandido's genuineness have risen as no waiter, cook, or busboy has been taken into custody. "It's a bad look," said former patron Dan Billings. "How do you claim to serve authentic Mexican cuisine and your kitchen door hasn't even been broken down by ICE? It just doesn't add up. I'm taking my business over to Julio's, they're getting raided all the time. Just...

This week, Senate Parliamentarian Elizabeth MacDonough ruled that the Big Beautiful Bill (BBB) "cannot cut Medicaid funding for sex changes or illegal immigrants. The eligibility of these two categories is a policy decision made by a previous president and a previous congress and cannot be changed by a simple majority vote on this reconciliation bill." Sen. Tommy Tuberville (R-Ala) asserted "the 'woke' Senate Parliamentarian, who was appointed by Harry Reid ten years ago, just struck down a provision banning illegals from stealing Medicaid from American citizens. The Parliamentarian 'advises.' She does not 'rule.' Reducing the amounts spent is germane to...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In what some are taking as perhaps a bad omen, President Trump responded to the SCOTUS ruling on nationwide injunctions by screaming "UNLIMITED POWER!" and shooting lightning from his fingertips. "That's probably not good," said an eyewitness as a cackling Trump scorched an aide with lightning. "It sounded like he said something to the effect of ‘Now, nothing can stop me from controlling the galaxy'. It's a bit concerning." While many conservatives had felt that district courts issuing nationwide injunctions was an unfair check on executive power, they no longer felt so sure after witnessing Trump levitate...

In an address to Iranian citizens Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told them that "we have repelled the aggressors who treacherously tried to take our land from us. Though many of our heroic military leaders lost their lives in the conflict the nation as a whole has survived the bombings. I have successfully eluded assassination." "Our victory was achieved in only 12 days," he added. "The Zionist little Satan hit us with everything they had, but was forced to retreat without accomplishing their goal of dislodging me from my post or causing our people to lose faith in the eventual triumph of...

CAMBRIDGE, MA — The Department of Homeland Security announced that a massive terrorist sleeper cell was discovered hiding just outside of Boston, Massachusetts. Authorities found the large group of infiltrated terrorists after a routine patrol around a well-known university's infamous quad uncovered dozens of Iranian sleeper cell operatives. "We've never seen anything like it," FBI spokesman Agent Dale Johnson said. "On the outside, they appeared to be dressed like college students and faculty, but every single one of them was a terrorist or terrorist sympathizer. We have reason to believe that the entire campus is, in fact, a terrorist training...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ramifications were predicted to be felt for generations after today, as in a historic 6-3 Supreme Court decision, 3 justices were ruled to be morons. The ruling came near the end of the U.S. Supreme Court's current term, leaving legal analysts around the country saying that the decision was sure to have a long-lasting impact on all future cases. "This was a ruling that shifts the balance in the country," one expert said. "According to this 6-3 decision, three of the justices sitting on the Supreme Court as morons, with the three morons themselves providing the dissenting...

NEW YORK, NY — Democratic Party strategists were thrilled this week after they stumbled upon an innovative new strategy of winning elections by promising free stuff to stupid people. According to Democratic mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani, the bold new strategy of showing idiots with promises of free stuff could be "a total game-changer" for the party. "Hear me out, guys — what if we just tried promising uninformed, ignorant people that we'll give them free stuff if they vote for us?" Mandami reportedly asked at a campaign brainstorming meeting. "Why haven't we tried this before? Come on, people. Get your...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth responded to allegations of sexism on Thursday by vowing that the United States military would never discriminate against chicks, broads, or dames. Hegseth had fallen under criticism after apparently failing to specifically recognize the females who participated in the air strikes on Iran, leading him to issue a clarifying statement that the armed forces would never engage in prejudice against skirts. "I'm sorry for the lack of gender inclusive language," Hegseth said, apologizing to Associated Press reporter Tara Copp. "It was not my intention to impugn the contributions of any chicks, broads,...

NEW YORK CITY — Zohran Mamdani, winner of New York City's mayoral Democratic primary, has vowed to knock down the One World Trade Center in order to build more affordable housing. Mamdani admitted that taking down the popular tower was something of a political suicide mission, but he remained undeterred. "We will not allow the wealthy capitalist elite to hijack our city," said Mamdani. "As mayor, I promise to take this problem head on by bringing down One World Trade Center and putting cheap, government-controlled apartments in its place. I understand that people believe this initiative could really blow up...

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) sharply criticized Republicans for removing federal subsidies for Planned Parenthood from the reconciliation bill, saying "they want to rip away health care from millions more Americans. Without these subsidies up to 200 Planned Parenthood centers could close. More than 90% of these closures would be in states where abortion is legal for the voters of the state." Sen. Patty Murray (D-Wash) said "there is not a day that ends in 'y' where Republicans are not trying to ban abortion here in Congress. We are talking about women left with no options for the care...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington politicians sounded the alarm Tuesday that a ceasefire agreement brokered by President Trump between Israel and Iran may be a slippery slope that leads to peace in the Middle East. Democrats criticized Trump's involvement in Israel and Iran's war, calling it unconstitutional and blasting it for threatening peace in the region. "No one wants that," said Senator Chuck Schumer. "Peace opens up the frightening possibility of no war. Not on my watch!" "Death!" he added. "I like death!" New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez slammed the ceasefire as a sham, saying it requires Iran to stop launching...

MIDDLE EAST — The region rejoiced and the world marvelled as peace broke out in the Middle East and lasted a record 27 minutes. The normal pace of life in the violent, war-torn region was oddly broken up on Tuesday after a ceasefire occurred between Israel and Iran. The ceasefire went into effect shortly after the United States bombed Iran's heavily guarded nuclear site, but experts are quick to point out that the ceasefire had nothing to do with that. "I didn't know what to do at first," said Yaakov Peretz in Israel. "Normally at this time I am in...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ongoing hostilities in the Middle East raised tensions in the nation's capital as well, with frustrated legislators who fail to meet their responsibilities on a daily basis reminded everyone that launching military actions was their responsibility. Lawmakers had given pushback against President Donald Trump over the last two weeks as he raised the temperature of his rhetoric regarding Israel and Iran, telling the president and anyone else who would listen that officially starting wars was their job, even though they don't do their job. "Declaring war is our job!" said one congressman. "We haven't really been holding...

This week the US Supreme Court ruled 6-3 that a Tennessee law prohibiting surgical mutilation and chemical castration of minors is not unconstitutional. The ruling parallels the Court's 2022 decision recognizing that states have the authority to determine for themselves whether abortion is or isn't permissible within their jurisdiction. Justice Sonia Sotomayor dissented, saying that "the majority's view that questions about such medical treatments should be resolved by the people, their elected representatives and the democratic process tramples the individual's right to choose his or her own sex and goes against the consensus of the experts who have testified against...