Free Republic

OSLO — The Nobel Committee announced that it had officially chosen Greta Thunberg to receive the Nobel Peace Prize for her pivotal role in bringing an end to the war in Gaza. "Without her heroic and daring flotillas, this peace deal would never have happened," said Jørgen Biørgen, the Assistant to the Vice Chair on the committee. "She braved the waters of the Mediterranean armed with nothing but Instagram, a pallet of snacks, and 42 pounds of cannabis, all to bring salvation to Palestine and hold space for the oppressed brown bodies of Gaza. There has never been a...

President Trump may have finally achieved what many long thought impossible, as Israel and Hamas have agreed to the first phase of a peace agreement, but this ceasefire didn't come without conditions from Hamas. Here are 10 demands Hamas is making as part of the peace deal: 1. Israel must eliminate 100% of its Jews: This is a dealbreaker for Hamas. 2. New pagers: The last batch had some problems. 3. A new fleet of paragliders: They have assured everyone it's only for recreational purposes. 4. Goats. Lots of goats: They won't say why. 5. Super Bowl tickets: They're apparently...

SAN FRANCISCO - The National Guard has been called to California's Golden City to neutralize a 600-foot-tall Katie Porter, who is apparently rampaging her way through San Francisco. Porter, a frontrunner in California's gubernatorial race, reportedly began roaring and growing to an unusual size after a reporter asked her a question. "You didn't ask her a question, did you? Oh no! She hates that!" cried Mayor Daniel Lurie as the hulking monstrosity smashed a giant hole in the the Transatlantic tower. "There's no stopping her now! Run! Run for your lives!" "BLLAAAAWWWRRRGGHHHHH!" responded Porter before swallowing a cable car....

HELL — The founder of Islam expressed continued frustration with Democrats on Wednesday, calling them out for referring to Islam as a "religion of peace." "I literally created this religion by murdering people and threatening to murder people," said an exasperated Mohammed. "How do I not get any credit for all that violence? Sometimes, it almost feels like I killed all those people for nothing. It's so disheartening." Mohammed praised the continued work of his followers on earth, who have worked tirelessly to set the record straight. "My followers have continued murdering and raping tens of thousands of people every...

NEW YORK CITY — New York City mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani paraglided into his campaign event today in honor of October 7th and the horrific atrocities committed by Hamas that day. Mamdani chose to pilot the same sort of paraglider that Hamas used to commit mass rape and murder at a music festival, stating that it was the least he could do to extoll the glorious freedom fighters. "What a beautiful anniversary we are celebrating," said Mamdani as he strode from his paraglider to the podium. "Look around you at the New Yorkers wearing Hamas headbands, celebrating women and children...

ARLINGTON, VA — An embarrassed Jay Jones realized earlier this week that he was only supposed to support murdering kids before they were born, not after. Sources say that the Democrat AG candidate who fantasized about murdering Republican children over text was totally mortified to realize that he should have just been publicly supporting the murder of children in the womb instead. "That's my bad," said Jones, slapping his forehead in frustration. "I forgot that you can only want to kill kids before they pass the birth canal, not afterwards. Silly me. I deeply apologize for my texts wishing death...

ALEXANDRIA, VA — At his arraignment on charges of making false statements and obstruction, former FBI Director James Comey produced a letter signed by 51 former intelligence officials testifying to the fact that he's totally innocent. At his highly publicized hearing in a Virginia federal courtroom, Comey produced the letter as evidence to show that these trusted members of the intelligence community were just as confident in his innocence as they were in the fall of 2020 that Hunter Biden's laptop was a Russian misinformation operation. "This is rock-solid proof of my innocence," Comey told the court as he held...

GAZA — The few remaining terrorists keeping up the fight against Israel acknowledged their grim circumstances this week, as the three surviving members of Hamas started to think that maybe their October 7, 2023, wasn't such a great idea. As overheard by a surveillance team, the three terrorist fighters reportedly conferred with each other early Tuesday morning as they huddled together in the rubble of their Gaza hideout, lamenting ever participating in the horrific plan to murder 1,200 people and take 250 others hostage now that it had resulted in Hamas being brought to the brink of extinction. "Hindsight...

In a desperate effort to win Jewish votes in his race for New York City mayor, former Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) apologized for imposing covid lockdowns that he now acknowledges "needlessly interfered with Jewish religious services and schools." His apology included a claim that "I was only thinking of the health and safety of the public during a time of a great threat to both." Cuomo failed to mention his order sending infected coronavirus patients of differing faiths into nursing homes inhabited by highly vulnerable elderly individuals. Observers estimate that this order caused thousands of additional deaths, to which Cuomo...

NORFOLK, VA — State attorney general nominee Jay Jones was seen relaxing after a stressful day on the campaign trail by repeatedly stabbing his trusty Republican voodoo doll. "Die! I hope you and your children die!" Jones reportedly screamed at the tourist novelty he had picked up from a New Orleans gift shop. "Aww. So relaxing." According to sources, Jones travels everywhere with his Republican voodoo doll, treating it almost like a security blanket. He reportedly bought it back in 2022 after fantasizing about shooting then-Virginia House Speaker Todd Gilbert and wishing death upon his children. "I can't believe I...

Portland Mayor Keith Wilson's decision to align himself with the masked Antifa "protesters" confronting the ICE agents attempting to enforce America's immigration laws has created an inverted sense of justice in the city. At a demonstration outside the ICE offices in the city Antifa goons proceeded to attack journalist Nick Sortor who was observing the demonstration. Though outnumbered, Sorter's efforts to defend himself attracted the attention of the Portland Police who arrested him "for his own protection." The arresting officer explained "first of all, there was only one of him and dozens of Antifa. Arresting Sorter was feasible with minimal...

VATICAN CITY — The supreme pontiff of the Catholic Church issued a sharp criticism of the Almighty Creator of the universe this week, as Pope Leo XIV publicly condemned God for instituting the death penalty.When asked by the media to comment on critics of the death penalty, the pope singled out the Lord, offering a stinging critique of the Almighty for instituting capital punishment and questioning whether or not God was actually pro-life."I question God's moral standing here," Pope Leo told reporters. "Someone who says, ‘I'm against abortion,' but says, ‘I'm in favor of the death penalty,' is not really...

President Donald Trump's 20-point plan to end the war in Gaza garnered widespread support from many Middle Eastern countries. Foreign ministers of Saudi Arabia, Jordan, the UAE, Indonesia, Pakistan, Türkiye, Qatar, Egypt, and the Palestinian Authority all welcomed Trump's efforts and agreed to work with the US to advance the implementation of the peace plan. The plan includes releasing the remaining hostages, disarming Hamas, and the possibility of a Palestinian state — if Hamas complies with the plan and the Palestinian Authority agrees to discontinue its anti-Israel policies. If Hamas does not comply, Israel is authorized to continue fighting until...

VATICAN CITY — In a stunning scene this morning, Pope Leo activated his long-dormant ice powers and built a magical ice palace while belting out showtunes. Pope Leo had spent much of his life trying to suppress his ice powers so as not to accidentally hurt those around him, but now let them burst forth unhindered, declaring, "Let it go, let it go, can't hold me back anymore." "That perfect girl is goooone," sang the emotional pontiff, his blue dress sparkling with frozen fractals. "I don't caaaare, what they're goiiing to sayyyy. Let the storm rage oooooon!" Onlookers gaped in...

Speeches by President Trump and Secretary of War Pete Hegseth to America's top generals and admirals were assailed by anonymous ex-Pentagon employees. "What difference does it make if a general or admiral is too fat to pass any of the fitness requirements that front-line soldiers and sailors are expected to meet?" one source wanted to know. "They're not going to be storming enemy positions or flying combat missions. All they have to do is give orders." Another fretted that "all the effort we've expended to compile a force that exemplifies diversity, equity, and inclusion is being cast aside. We're a...

This week, the Democrat minority in the US Senate refused to vote for the continuing resolution that was needed to keep the federal government funded while the negotiations for the next budget are underway. The resolution was passed by the House, but couldn't make it past the Senate's filibuster rules. Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) explained "Republicans want to discontinue the special pandemic increase in the spending for medicaid that has been part of the budget since 2021. Democrats want to continue this level of spending. Until Republicans do what we demand we will oppose the funding required to keep the...

Netflix has come under fire recently for inserting trans content in its kids' programming. In response to the controversy, the streaming platform revealed plans to revamp its entire children's section with new shows designed to win back angry parents. Check out these 8 new kid-friendly shows: Homomelon: This educational show, designed for preschoolers, guides kids through every letter in the LGBTQ+ pantheon. Dora the Sexuality Explorer: Dora, now in her late teens, takes time away from exploring lost ruins to instead find the most important thing... herself. Mickey Mouse Bathhouse: Any child who watches this show will receive an...

A savage satire taking aim at London Mayor Sadiq Khan. This parody track exposes the lies, failures, and clownish behaviour behind the man in charge of the capital. From ULEZ lies and virtue signalling to globalist fanboying, this song pulls no punches. Think political comedy meets musical mockery — if you’re tired of censorship, weak leadership, and London’s decline, this one’s for you. 🔥 LYRICS HIGHLIGHTS: “I’m Sadiq Khan, snivel-snivel-snivel-um, I’m a horrible man, snivel-snivel-um…”

Brace yourself, America: the federal government has been shut down. Congress will no longer be able to pass any bills and all federal agencies will grind to a halt. But, there will also be some very serious consequences. Here are the 7 most terrifying: The Capitol cafeteria will not be able serve Ted Cruz his customary afternoon Ho Hos: Devastating. That department you've never heard of that does nothing for you will be furloughed: You can kiss the Commission on Overseas Native Fisheries goodbye. Government workers will lose thousands of hours of sleep they would otherwise be getting at work:...

When US Border Patrol boats were spotted in the Chicago River Mayor Brandon Johnson (D) demanded to know "who authorized this? I didn't authorize this. I wasn't consulted before this invasion was launched. The federal government is not communicating with me or our police department." Border Patrol chief Michael Banks said "we've posted information about our latest immigration enforcement activities on social media to let residents know what we're doing. We didn't make a separate effort to coordinate with the Mayor since he has declared he wants to eradicate law-enforcement in his city." Johnson called Banks' reply "disrespectful. He's only...