Free Republic

EDINA, MN — An alarming new study of Minnesota schools revealed that the average Somali high school senior is only committing fraud at a 5th-grade level. While Minnesota's numbers still lead the nation, education experts said that the statistic was "a bad sign" for a state traditionally well-recognized for its students' fraud aptitude. "It's quite worrisome — the average fraud level of Minnesota's Somali seniors has been slowly declining," warned Kaylee McCaulkins, who works for Minnesota's Department of Education. "We've been throwing everything we've got at them, short of opening daycares and learing centers for them ourselves, but it's so...

While the mainstream media is trying to portray deporting illegal immigrants as an unpopular policy, a survey from Cygnal Polling indicates this policy is popular. Nearly two-thirds of voters think that illegal immigration is a serious problem. This includes 97% of Republicans, 71% of "swing" voters, 60% of independents, but only 33% of Democrats. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) discounted these results "because these polls only include registered voters. If elections were really restricted to this narrow constituency we would be worried. However, many states governed by our Party don't limit ballots to only those who are registered to...

Mayor Brandon Johnson (D-Chicago) issued an executive order directing City Police to monitor ICE enforcement officers and look for potential felonies that could be prosecuted. He justified this order, saying "our state and city are sanctuaries for illegal immigrants. ICE is invading us in an attempt to negate our sovereignty over the areas we rule. We have a right to resist and repel this invasion." Gov. JB Pritzker (D-Ill) praised Johnson's "aggressive defense of his city from the unwanted ICE invasion. I know the Trump Administration has emphasized that its focus is on so-called 'criminal illegal aliens'--those that supposedly have...

In Boston, Mayor Michelle Wu (D) declared that "every single human being has the legal right to come to the United States and seek shelter. We are the richest and most prosperous nation in the world. It shouldn't be hard for us to understand why people would want to live here. We have the billionaires who can be taxed to give immigrants a lifestyle unattainable anywhere else in the world. As a matter of equity, we owe it to immigrants, many of whom are too ignorant, too ill, or too unmotivated to support themselves, a decent standard of living that...

U.S. — After watching several videos of anti-ICE protesters viciously hunting people down to check their papers, an impressed President Trump announced he will immediately hire the protesters to join Border Patrol. Trump stated that the protesters' stiff enforcement of checkpoints, motivation to build physical barriers, and commitment to chasing down anyone without proper identification made them perfect for the job. "I can't think of anyone better," said Trump. "Have you seen these people? They're so passionate about border security, you don't even have to pay them and they'll stand out in the freezing cold to monitor every single person...

The FBI's seizure of ballots, documents, and machinery used by Fulton County in the 2020 presidential election was challenged by Fulton County election Commissioner Marvin Arrington. "Look, we went through all this nonsense in November of 2020," he complained. "At that time everyone agreed that Trump lost the election. The media declared Biden the winner. Judges determined that Trump lacked standing to challenge the results. Reexamining the outcome at this late date isn't worthwhile and could destabilize the country if it turns out that some mistakes were made." FBI Director Kash Patel pointed out that "the 'lacks standing' grounds used...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With President Trump and Republicans campaigning hard to shore up election integrity in the U.S., congressional Democrats agreed to negotiate on the issue on the condition that death certificates be added to the list of acceptable forms of voter ID. Though initially opposed to any form of legislation mandating voter ID, Democrats surprisingly came forward with a proposal to compromise by guaranteeing that presenting a current death certificate would be accepted as valid identification to vote in elections. "It's our base's most widely used form of documentation," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We didn't want to...

At the most recent Grammy Awards, singer Billie Eilish asserted that "no one is illegal on stolen land." While her intent was to denounce the deportation criminal aliens being conducted by Immigration, Customs and Border (ICE) officers, the Tongva tribe has called for her "to be evicted from the land that was stolen from us." Chief Anthony Red Blood Morales explained "we appreciate her admission that she is occupying land that was stolen from our people. We look forward to her agreeing to exit this land or propose an equitable rent or leasing fee to continue her occupation of our...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As lawmakers and other notable figures gathered once again for the annual solemn occasion to petition the Almighty God on behalf of the country, politicians were reportedly hoping that the National Prayer Breakfast would wrap up in time for them to make it to the scheduled Coke Orgy Lunch. Republicans and Democrats alike expressed eagerness to attend the annual event in the nation's capital to publicly pray for the United States, but inside sources confirmed that multiple members of Congress had to double-check with their respective staffs to make sure that the prayer breakfast would not...

Our current society can have trouble showing acceptance — especially to conservatives. If you're a young conservative who has kept your political views a secret from your family, knowing how to tell your parents can be difficult. The Babylon Bee is here to help you closeted folks with the following list of ways to come out as a conservative to your liberal parents: Go on a date with someone of the opposite sex: Seeing blatant displays of heterosexuality will make it obvious to them. Get a job: Another child lost to capitalism. Put up a "Fat JD Vance" poster...

Former President Joe Biden's son Hunter is being sued by the mother (Lunden Roberts) of his out-of-wedlock daughter (Navy, now 7 years old) for failing to pay court-ordered child support or honoring the other promises he made to his daughter. "Immediately after the court ruling two years ago Hunter and Navy shared some bonding through scheduled phone calls," Lunden said. "Suddenly and without warning or explanation, Hunter ghosted Navy, and caused her to experience emotional trauma when she realized that her dad would not walk her down the aisle or dance with her at her own wedding reception." Lawyers for...

Gov. Abigail Spanberger (D-Va) ran on a platform of making Virginia more affordable. Now she and the expanded Democrat majority in the legislature are set on imposing new taxes on dog walking and grooming, guns and ammunition, storage facilities, dry cleaning, home repairs, electric leaf blowers and electric landscaping equipment, and creating some new income tax brackets. The Governor admitted that "these new taxes seem like they will raise the cost of living for the folks that spend money on these items. However, none of the things we're putting new taxes on are necessities. No one needs to own a...

ST. PAUL, MN — Governor Tim Walz has emerged from the den of the Governor's Mansion to declare that there will be six more weeks of rioting and fraud. "We know this is all silly, but it's fun," said handler Marsha Billingsworth. "It's always rioting and fraud season, but the Governor-coming-out-of-the-den tradition is good family fun that brings in some tourism money, which will help offset the costs of all the rioting and fraud in the state." Once a year, Minnesotans cheerfully gather around the mansion to see what the governor will do, depending upon whether or not he sees...

In four years of operation, Gov. Gavin Newsom's (D-Calif) $236 million mental health CARE Court program has helped 22 individuals. Initial estimates projected that 12,000 to 50,000 would be helped. The Governor denied the program was a flop. "Look, it's not as if there was no benefit," he said. "Almost two-dozen individuals got the care that they needed. It was a better deal than the Somali daycare fraud that siphoned off billions from the public coffers of federal and state governments. Besides, if we hadn't made this investment no one would've been helped. So, I ask my critics, 'what would...

U.S. — The new trove of Epstein documents has revealed damning photos of Microsoft's former assistant "Clippy" visiting Epstein island. Several compromising pictures released by the DOJ have placed the anthropomorphic paper clip at the island during the time when girls were being trafficked there by Epstein. "This looks really bad," said legal expert Kenny Montana. "Picture after picture of Clippy, right on the island, and never with clothes on. He doesn't look remotely embarrassed. On the contrary, Clippy always has the same lurid smile and wide-eyed gaze. There's no explaining his way out of this." Not only did...

Gov. JB Pritzker (D-Ill) told Jennifer Welch, host of the "I've Had It" podcast that "the Trump era is worse than the COVID era. During COVID the nation was guided through the crisis by a very loving President Biden. He urged everyone to get vaccinated and wear masks. At one point, he even mandated that employees get vaccinated or lose their jobs. To show he meant business he terminated thousands of soldiers and sailors for refusing to take this vaccine. He deployed the FBI to urge the censorship of misinformation about COVID and the vaccine. This is the sort of...

U.S. — Self-proclaimed journalist Don Lemon was arrested on Friday for allegedly raiding a church service and intimidating its congregation, prompting experts to warn that such actions taken by the DOJ could be a slippery slope that leads to arresting politicians and other people who deserve it. "This is an outrage," sociological analyst Kelvin Grimp said. "If we start enforcing laws, elected officials and other criminals could be in really big trouble." According to sources, approximately 99% of the U.S. Congress and up to half of the nation's governors would be behind bars if America were to continue down this...

State Rep. Elliot Forhan (D-Cleveland) and candidate for Ohio Attorney General, promised that "if I'm elected I will prosecute, convict, and execute Donald Trump for his crimes against humanity." This promise contradicts his earlier expressed opposition to imposing the death penalty for convicted murderers. Forhan explained that "most convicted murderers have life experiences that dilute their responsibility for the crimes they commit. Some grew up in poverty. Some had abusive parents. Some committed their crimes under the influence of drugs or alcohol." "In contrast, Trump grew up in a wealthy family," Forhan pointed out. "He inherited billions of dollars from...

St. Paul Police Federation President Mark Ross asserted that "the tragic deaths of Ms. Good and Mr. Pretti could've been averted if Minnesota Gov. Walz (D) and Minneapolis Mayor Frey (D) hadn't barred police from exercising its crowd control expertise to reduce the clashes between ICE agents seeking to arrest illegal immigrants and protesters trying to prevent these arrests. Minnesota law enforcement has undergone extensive training in mobile field force configurations and crowd management for major events. And because of that, I think we're in the best position to deal with that." Walz defended his decision to block local police...

COLTS NECK, NJ — After putting out a new song titled "Streets of Minneapolis" as a show of support for anti-ICE protesters, musician Bruce Springsteen issued a statement threatening to keep releasing songs until deportations were stopped. The news quickly spread across the country, with frightened Americans buying up canned goods and preparing to take shelter due to Springsteen's threat to continue putting out new music unless the trump administration ended all ICE operations. "I can do this every day, and nobody wants that," Springsteen said in a video posted online. "If you want to prevent me from releasing...