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Keyword: satire

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  • California Voters Oppose Reparations [semi-satire]

    09/20/2023 11:33:43 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 September 2023 | John Semmens
    A UC Berkeley Institute of Governmental Studies poll found that 59% of voters oppose cash payments to Blacks as reparations for the slavery suffered by their ancestors. This is twice as many as the 28% who support such payments. Forty percent are strongly opposed to these payments. Gov. Gavin Newsom and state lawmakers who created the California's Reparations Assistance Project (CRAP) expressed dismay that "our efforts to atone for the great evils inflicted by slavery don't seem to have inspired the level of guilt necessary to garner the kind of public support we wanted to see." State Sen. Steven Bradford...
  • Bad Luck: Military Announces Lost F-35 Was Carrying Epstein Client List

    09/20/2023 6:49:11 AM PDT · by Leaning Right · 7 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | Sept. 18, 2023 | Staff
    In a blow to the transparency of information and what could have been a treasure trove of evidence against a global sex trafficking ring, the Pentagon has announced the lost F-35 fighter jet was apparently carrying the only known copy of Jeffrey Epstein's client list.
  • EV Fails Top Bureaucrat [semi-satire]

    09/19/2023 10:45:45 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 September 2023 | John Semmens
    This week, Secretary of Energy Jennifer Granholm's four-day electric vehicle (EV) road trip turned out to be more difficult than expected. The trip was intended to tout the Biden Administration's program to mandate EVs as the wave of the future. But difficulties finding charging stations and the long time it takes to "fill up" with electricity proved irritating, both to the Secretary and other EV owners competing for the limited spaces at a roadside charging station. A particularly embarrassing incident occurred in Georgia where members of Granholm's staff had used an internal combustion engine car to reserve a charging space...
  • Bribes Used to Conceal Covid Origin [semi-satire]

    09/18/2023 10:15:43 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 September 2023 | John Semmens
    A CIA whistleblower's testimony to the House Select Subcommittee on the Coronavirus Pandemic (HSSCP) and the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence (HPSCI) asserted that "six of the seven officers the CIA assigned to the Covid Discovery Team to ascertain the origins of the virus concluded that the virus likely came from a laboratory in Wuhan, China. These six were offered a significant monetary incentive to change their position." HSSCP Chairman Brad Wenstrup and HPSCI Chairman Mike Turner sent a letter to CIA Director William Burns asking him to address this issue. While Burns, himself, did not respond, CIA spokesperson...
  • F-35 Found By School Teacher (Safe and Effective Satire)

    09/18/2023 3:41:48 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 7 replies
    9/18/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    A school teacher in rural South Carolina has found the missing Marine Corp F-35 that went missing on a routine training mission. The school teacher (name withheld under national security rules) was aware of a missing F-35 by the image spotted on a milk carton at school. The school teacher was alerted to the presence of the F-35 when she bumped into something on the way to her vehicle when going home after school. She couldn't see anything but kept bumping into something blocking the way to the car. After feeling around it became apparent that the object was large...
  • Senate Enacts Come As You Are Dress Rules (Safe and Effective Satire)

    09/18/2023 3:14:34 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 8 replies
    9/18/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    The Senate enacted new dress rules for members, essentially endorsing "come as you are dress rules". Cro-Magnon Pa. Senator John Fetterman tested those new rules today showing up in a jockstrap, chest hairs braided into cornrows, and smoking a crack pipe. Senator John stated that this is how he rolls at home and he doesn't feel that he should alter his lifestyle for a bunch of old white guys. A few fellow Senators were aghast at his appearance but others led by Liz Warren were questioning his insensitive cultural appropriation of "cornrows" while others asked which professional did the braiding....
  • Yellen "Feeling Very Good" About Economy [semi-satire]

    09/18/2023 9:47:39 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 September 2023 | John Semmens
    Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen contrasted "the robust US economy that has characterized President Biden's two plus years in office with the dismal Trump years. The lockdowns cost tens of millions their livelihoods. Businesses were ordered shuttered. Many laid off employees others went bankrupt. In the summer of 2020 the unemployment rate was 14%. Now it is less than 4%. Bidenomics has surpassed MAGAnomics by a wide margin. This is quite a feather in the President's cap." From a different perspective, the economy doesn't look as good as Yellen says it is. The inflation injected into our economy by Biden's spending...
  • Migrant Influx Crushing NYC [semi-satire]

    09/17/2023 10:45:50 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 September 2023 | John Semmens
    Since he is not getting the help he feels entitled to from fellow Democrats at the state or federal level to deal with the flood of migrants flocking to his "sanctuary city," New York City Mayor Eric Adams has announced cuts to most of the city's other spending. Agency heads have been instructed to "slash spending by a minimum of 15%"--a goal they unanimously consider "impossible." Former Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) blamed President Biden for the crisis, saying "immigration is a federal responsibility. While the goal to increase the immigration of future Democrat voters into the country is admirable, sticking...
  • Not Paying Ransom to Iran [semi-satire]

    09/16/2023 11:11:45 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 September 2023 | John Semmens
    White House National Security Council Coordinator for Strategic Communications John Kirby explained that "the $6 billion given to Iran as part of a deal for a prisoner exchange was not ransom. We are just allowing Iran access to funds they couldn't access before. Furthermore, this money can only be used by them for specified discreet and targeted purposes. We are still holding Iran accountable for mistreating its own citizens, attacking shipping, supporting Russia's invasion of Ukraine, and aiding and abetting terrorists." Former President Trump called this "a terrible deal. We gave them five very tough, smart terrorists that they desperately...
  • Impeachment Inquiry: "Extreme Politics at Its Worst" [semi-satire]

    09/16/2023 1:30:33 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 September 2023 | John Semmens
    Ian Sams, special assistant to the president and senior advisor to the White House Counsel's Office, labeled House Speaker Kevin McCarthy's (R-Calif) decision to open a formal impeachment inquiry into President Biden "extreme politics at its worst. There's no evidence the President has done anything wrong. It's persecution of an innocent man." McCarthy pointed out "there is a video of Joe Biden bragging about using his status as vice-president to extort the firing of the Ukraine prosecutor who was investigating the company that was paying Hunter a million dollars a year to serve on its board of directors. There's Hunter's...
  • Hilarious 'affirm your child's pirate identity' thread points out our absurd era

    09/13/2023 6:06:29 AM PDT · by NetAddicted · 13 replies ^ | 9/13/2023 | Gordon Kushner
    We hadn't heard of Stephanie Winn (@SomeTherapist) before but are delighted to have discovered her. If your child comes out to you as a pirate, you should celebrate! It's wonderful news that he's discovered his true self. Plus, his coming out means he trusts you with the privilege of knowing something sacred and ineffable he discovered deep within himself. Make sure he feels… — Stephanie Winn (@sometherapist) September 12, 2023 If your child comes out to you as a pirate, you should celebrate! It's wonderful news that he's discovered his true self. Plus, his coming out means he trusts...
  • McCarthy Announces He Has Greenlit A Probe To Examine The Possibility Of Investigating Preliminary Meetings Into Whether Or Not They Should Begin To Consider The Future Likelihood Of Hypothetical Impeachment Hearings Sometime Later Down The Road

    09/13/2023 7:02:49 AM PDT · by ConservativeInPA · 27 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | September 12, 2023 | Staff
    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what might be a stunning possibility of a development, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy finally announced he has greenlit a probe to determine whether or not there may be, at some point, the potential to investigate the possibility of considering having hypothetical meetings to maybe discuss having further discussions about perhaps thinking about launching impeachment proceedings against an alleged individual who may or may not be President Joe Biden at an undetermined date at some point in the future. "I can confirm that it is a solid possibility," McCarthy said when making the announcement. "There is absolutely...
  • Democrats Complain That Illegal Immigrants Are Destroying Their Sanctuary Cities

    09/11/2023 1:25:30 PM PDT · by DFG · 10 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 09/11/2023 | Babylon Bee
    U.S. — Democratic leadership in multiple sanctuary cities complained Monday about undocumented immigrants destroying the very sanctuaries established for them. "Our system is being totally overwhelmed. We are literally dying," said New York City Mayor Eric Adams. "I'm beginning to think supporting illegal immigration — excuse me, undocumented people of migration — was a bad idea." "I mean refugees. What are we calling them again?" According to U.S. Customs and Border Protection, undocumented immigrants (or illegal aliens, as racists describe them) reached 2.7 million in 2022. For 2023, the number is likely in the hundreds of millions of billions. "I...
  • Some Recent Action on the Abortion Front [semi-satire]

    09/11/2023 11:49:08 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 September 2023 | John Semmens
    In Pennsylvania, Gov. Josh Shapiro (D) announced he is terminating the contract the state has had for 30 years with Real Alternatives, a nonprofit that supports pro-life counseling centers "because it doesn't represent our Party's values. In a world that is already overpopulated the last thing we need to do is support women who don't want to abort their babies." In Ohio, Ohioans United for Reproductive Rights (OURR) is suing the Ohio Ballot Board for approving ballot language to "Issue 1" that says "if the amendment passes it would always allow an unborn child to be aborted at any stage...
  • Archives to Withhold Evidence [semi-satire]

    09/10/2023 10:46:14 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 September 2023 | John Semmens
    House Oversight and Accountability Chairman James Comer's request for unrestricted access to documents containing evidence of potential abuse of his official duties by then-Vice President Biden from the National Archives and Records Administration (NARA) has been rebuffed by Archivist Colleen Shogan. "It is NARA that must balance the issues of privacy vs. the public's right to know what its government officials are doing," Shogan said. "The very fact that VP Biden used aliases on some of his correspondence indicates a strong desire to preserve the privacy of communications between himself and his son on matters of business. It is my...
  • China's Global Civilization Initiative [semi-satire]

    09/09/2023 9:16:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 September 2023 | John Semmens
    President Xi Jinping says he sees this initiative as "a fuller realization of the ideals of Japan's ill-fated 'Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere.' Getting our continent out from under the boot heel of our white European overlords was the right objective, but its scope was too narrow and Japan was the wrong country to try to lead this development." "Prosperity shouldn't be just for Asians," Xi asserted. "It should be for everyone. Since a majority of the global population is Asian, it should be Asians who lead the world to a universal prosperity. China is the strongest Asian power and...
  • "Remain in Texas" Policy [semi-satire]

    09/08/2023 11:54:07 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 September 2023 | John Semmens
    Complaints from the mayors of sanctuary cities are inspiring the Biden Administration to seek a remedy that would entail requiring that illegal immigrants remain in Texas. Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas explained "none of these mayors expected hordes of immigrants to be bused to their jurisdictions. Declaring their status as 'sanctuary cities' was meant to be a symbolic expression of solidarity with those seeking a better life. Unfortunately, that madman down in Texas is disrupting everything for places like Chicago and New York by busing these immigrants there." "Plus, there isn't any long term political benefit...
  • Dems Demand Cancellation of Their Student Debt [semi-satire]

    09/07/2023 11:21:55 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 September 2023 | John Semmens
    This week, 90 Democrats signed a letter urging President Biden to find a way to cancel student debt by early 2024. Thirteen of these Democrats--including Reps Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (NY), Rashida Tlaib (Mich), Ilhan Omar (Minn), Jamaal Bowman (NY), Grace Meng (NY), Jimmy Gomez (CA), Nanette Barragán (CA), Brendan Boyle (PA), Veronica Escobar (TX), Nikema Williams (GA), Salud Carbajal (CA), Jasmine Crockett (DX), and Greg Casar (TX)--have a personal financial interest in having this debt canceled. Rep. Meng denied that there is any conflict of interest in her supporting the cancellation of her husband's $250,000 debt, saying "he's one of my...
  • The Alternative Secret History of the World According to the Liberal Left

    09/06/2023 8:38:48 PM PDT · by ATOMIC_PUNK · 10 replies ^ | 7/3/2007, 9:41 pm | Red Square
    The Alternative Secret History of the World According to the Liberal Left Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain nor anxiety. With so many zealots simmering in the anti-American melting pot of "progress," one might think they had already cooked some shared historical narrative in which anti-Americanism actually makes sense and the entire Leftist agenda doesn't appear so absurd. What is it? Most "progressive" critics either don't think that far, or they don't have the guts to give their views a full exposure....
  • Taxpayers Pay $10,000 Per Month to House Illegals [semi-satire]

    09/06/2023 12:20:09 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 September 2023 | John Semmens
    How many Americans pay $10,000 per month for an apartment? Even in New York City a one bedroom apartment can be had for a tenth that price. In contrast, the homeless shelter for illegal immigrants on Randall's Island in New York City is costing taxpayers $10,000 per month per resident. The amenities include a cot with bedding and a public bathroom shared with 2,000 other residents. While both Gov. Kathy Hochul (D) and Mayor Eric Adams (D) have characterized the massive inflow of illegal immigrants to the state as "an immigration crisis," said that "the President should take ownership of...