Free Republic

U.S. — Despite rising tension within the Democratic Party and uncertainty regarding President Joe Biden's cognitive capacity and fitness to remain in the presidential race, former President Barack Obama reassured the nation that he is still running the country. Obama's calming message that he remained in firm control of the United States came as a relief to millions of Americans who had begun to believe that their country was being supervised by a mentally defective dementia patient who lost his grasp of reality years ago. "Don't worry, America, I'm still at the wheel," Obama said in a brief public...

Reeling from reverberating calls for him to drop out of the race for reelection after his pathetic performance in last week's televised debate with former President Donald Trump, the Biden Administration has announced new initiatives aimed at boosting his support among voters. At the top of the list is a plan to prosecute "price-gouging grocers." Secretary of Commerce Gina Marie Raimondo explained that "the evidence is overwhelming that the price increases we are seeing for food is the intentional work of the people running the supermarkets, corner stores, and bodegas. In every case, the prices of the meats, produce, and...

In Wisconsin, the State Supreme Court agreed to hear Planned Parenthood's plea that a right to abortion be found in the state's constitution. The Court denied a request by three pro-life groups, Wisconsin Right to Life, Wisconsin Family Action, and Pro-Life Wisconsin to present opposing arguments in this case. Chief Justice Annette Ziegler said "it makes no sense for us to hear arguments from persons who maintain that there is no right to abortion in the document. We will look where Planned Parenthood tells us to look. If we agree that the identified words can be construed as supporting a...

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U.S. — With campaigning for November's elections running at full speed and polls showing GOP candidates building sizeable leads, the Republican Party rushed to implement an emergency platform change after seeing how close they were to winning a landslide victory. Struggles on the Democratic side of the ticket, including the growing scandal surrounding President Joe Biden's cognitive ability, led to Republicans gaining tremendous momentum in recent weeks, causing leaders to shift gears and push for changes to the GOP platform in hopes of avoiding any decisive wins in November. "We were just getting way too close to winning big," said...

In the case of Loper Bright Enterprises v. Raimondo, the US Supreme Court overturned a 1984 Court decision that ordered lower courts to defer to federal regulators' rulings rather than exercise their own independent judgment in cases where statutes are ambiguous or silent on key issues. The Court based its current ruling on the 1946 Administrative Procedure Act (APA) which explicitly directs the courts to use their own judgment. President Clinton's Secretary of Labor Robert Reich called the reversal "a disaster. Federal regulators have the knowledge and expertise that judges and juries lack. This new Court ruling makes regulatory experts...

WASHINGTON D.C. — Republicans caused outrage and horror today among people who would never cheat in elections with the introduction of a new ‘Stop Cheating In Elections' Bill. Congressional Republicans insisted that the bill would simply prevent cheating in elections and ensure that they are fair, while people who would never cheat insisted that the problematic bill targeted them. "I want to be clear. This bill is racist, xenophobic, transphobic, and possibly arachnophobic," Said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "It's not the ‘no cheating' part that bothers us because obviously we would never, ever cheat. But it's outrageous that Republicans would...

A poll conducted by the Counteroffensive/Kyiv International Institute of Sociology showed Ukraine voters preferring Biden (46.7%) over Trump (6.5%) for US President, while 17.6% preferred neither, 6.7% preferred either, 20.2% "didn't know" and 2.3% were smoking weed in the Ferarris they bought with embezzled US aid. Biden-for-president campaign manager Jen O'Malley Dillon cited the poll "as proof the President's foreign policy is working. He may have had a bad night at the debate with Trump, but he has won the hearts and minds of the people of Ukraine with his steadfast support of their fight against Russian aggression. We look...

This week the US Supreme Court decided that presidents have immunity from prosecution for actions within the scope of their constitutional authority. Some Democrats found fault with this decision. Democratic Party activist Van Jones called it "a dangerous expansion of presidential power. It is, in effect, a license to thug. It would give a reelected Trump legal authority to prosecute his political opponents. Individuals who question the honesty and accuracy of a Trump election victory could be put on trial and in jail." Biden-Harris Campaign Co-Chair Mitch Landrieu warned that "this decision will allow a president to send SEAL Team...

Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre attributed "the remarkably poor performance of the President in his debate with former President Trump last week to the unfair format and timing. Our expectation was that CNN would continue its role as an ally in the fight to preserve our democracy, but they betrayed the President. Instead of throwing their weight behind the Democrat message that everything Trump says is a lie, Jake and Dana put the President on the spot by insisting that he answer their questions and use all his allotted time." "Scheduling a live debate for so late in the day...

LONDON — Following the Labour Party's landslide victory under Prime Minister Keir Starmer in Britain's recent elections, the new government has assured the British public that it will make good on its biggest promise yet: fixing British teeth by 2025. According to a Labour spokesman close to PM Starmer, the newly elected leader plans an ambitious campaign to ensure that every British citizen will have had his or her crooked horse teeth and receding chins rectified by 2025. "It's gonna be a proper toughie, but we can do it, mate," Starmer stated in the British tongue during his first speech...

WHEREAS Many of Our Subjects in divers Parts of Our Country, misled by dangerous and ill-designing Men, and forgetting the Allegiance which they owe to the Power that has protected and sustained them, after various disorderly Acts committed in Disturbance of the Public Peace, have at length proceeded to an open and avowed Rebellion, by arraying themselves in hostile Manner with the Republican Party, and traitoroursly preparing, ordering, and plotting to replace Us. AND whereas there is Reason to apprehend that such Rebellion hath been much promoted and encouraged by the traitorous Correspondence, Counsels, and Comfort of divers wicked and...

PALM BEACH, FL — Following a 6-3 ruling from the United States Supreme Court protecting him from prosecution for official acts done while in office, former President Donald Trump released a public statement in which he announced that he is now the most immune president in history. The ruling appears to provide significant protection for Trump in some of his legal matters, leading him to declare himself, as the rightful president, fully immune from everything he has ever done or ever will do. "It's the greatest, most beautiful ruling of all time, and I now have the most incredible...

U.S. — Despite a significant majority of the nation now believing President Biden mentally unfit for office, the Democratic Party has decided to stay with Biden as its nominee as it would be a huge pain to reprint the tens of thousands of ballots they already filled out. "On one hand, the nation now knows Biden is incapable of thinking and is a clear and present danger to himself and the country," said DNC chair Jaime Harrison. "On the other hand, it would be SUCH a pain to have to reprint all those ballots when we already filled them all...

ATLANTA, GA — With both of his arms and legs cut clean off by the end of the debate, President Biden has continued to insist that the defeat was "merely a flesh wound." "Come back here and take what's coming to you, Donald! I'll bite your legs off!" shouted Biden. "Joe Biden always triumphs!" According to sources, Trump had encouraged the overmatched Biden to simply step aside, but Biden refused to do so despite losing one limb after the other. "Joe, you've got no arms left, believe me. Very sad, No-Arms Joe," said Trump. "Not going to shoot too...

Most people have heard wild stories about the crazy things that can come to light in people's internet search histories, but are you aware of the humiliating things that might be found in yours? The Babylon Bee has suffered through reading some of the worst internet search histories of all time to bring you 17 of the most embarrassing things that people have ever googled: "stream new episode of the acolyte" — Gross. Just gross. "what is a phillips head screwdriver?" — You might as well search for what it means to be a man. "white sox tickets" —...

LOS ANGELES, CA — In an act of rebellion against the men who have repeatedly kept her down throughout her life, singer Taylor Swift spelled out "F--- The Patriarchy" in contrails with her $10 million private jet. "Yeah! That'll show ‘em!" Swift could be heard yelling as she zoomed her giant plane around the skies above L.A. "The patriarchy has held me down long enough. Sure I have millions of dollars and hundreds of millions of fans, but I could have even more of it all if it weren't for systemic sexism and patriarchal societal repression." Swift's fans were...

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GAZA — Sources close to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez say that the former American congresswoman has joined the Palestinian Islamic political and military organization commonly known as Hamas. In a statement released to the press, AOC said that she was joining Hamas due to the fact that she sees eye-to-eye with the group, "especially on issues of prime importance, like expanding the Palestinian state and wiping out Israel." "Dear Diary," reads the publicly released part of AOC's statement. "I have decided to join Hamas today because they also hate the nation that claims to be Israel. While I am sad to...

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen contends that "all the caterwauling folks are doing over the high cost of food is unwarranted. Over 40% of the population is obese. Being obese is unhealthy. If high prices cause these people to miss a few meals that is a good thing." "Trump's libertarian idea that people ought to eat what they want will be the downfall of the nation," the Secretary opined. "I implore voters to look in the mirror and see how fat they've become by indulging themselves with all the fat and sugar laden food that the obese Donald Trump wants to...