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Keyword: satire

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  • Court Blocks Coerced Transgender Surgery [semi-satire]

    01/27/2021 9:19:11 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 January 2021 | John Semmens
    United States District Court Chief Judge Peter Welte blocked the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) from enforcing an Obamacare mandate that requires all medical professionals to perform gender transition services. "Given that there are plenty of doctors who are ready, willing, and able to perform transgender surgeries, there is no valid reason for coercing those who object to performing such procedures on religious or conscience grounds. The notion that any surgeon needs to be compelled to engage in what he or she considers to be either sacrilegious or destructive mutilation defies logic and morality. The results of compelling...
  • Dem Says Corps Must Pressure Amnesty Opponents [semi-satire]

    01/26/2021 10:07:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 January 2021 | John Semmens
    Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ) is calling for "our friends in the corporate community to make it clear that members of Congress who do not support amnesty for the tens of millions of undocumented immigrants in the country will not receive campaign donations, consulting fees, shares of stock, or cushy corporate jobs after retiring from politics." "What they all need to understand is that this is a win-win situation for them and us," Menendez said. "We get more Democrat voters to help us maintain ownership of the government. They get an increased supply of cheap labor that will improve their profits...
  • Biden Reinstates Slush Fund [semi-satire]

    01/25/2021 9:19:59 AM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 January 2021 | John Semmens
    President Biden has instructed the Department of Justice (DOJ) to reinstate the "slush fund" used by the Obama Administration to funnel funds to political friends. The slush fund arose from settlements between the federal government and corporate wrongdoers. Rather than use the money to compensate the victims of corporate misdeeds or turn the money over to the treasury, the Obama DOJ handed cash out to its favored left-wing political allies. An estimated total of $650 million was dispersed in this manner during the two Obama terms. The slush fund was terminated during the Trump Administration by Attorney General Jeff Sessions,...
  • Pelosi Criticizes Pro-Lifers' "Warped Values" [semi-satire]

    01/24/2021 9:33:14 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 January 2021 | John Semmens
    In a podcast with Hillary Clinton, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) sharply criticized opponents of abortion. "First they helped Trump win the 2016 presidential election because he promised to protect the lives of unborn babies," she said. "Now that voters have massively elected the most pro-choice president in American history, pro-lifers stubbornly resist the unity our nation so desperately needs." "It is one thing to privately hold onto warped values out of loyalty to out-dated concepts of morality," the Speaker contended. "It is quite another to resist the new reality. In a democracy the determination of what is right or...
  • Confessions of a Deprogrammed Trump Supporter (satire)

    01/23/2021 5:37:34 PM PST · by dynachrome · 5 replies
    strategic-culture.org ^ | 1-22-21 | Matthew Ehret
    As many people are aware, CNN recently aired a wonderful interview by former Moonie-turned-cult-deprogrammer Steve Hassan giving advice to Americans wishing to deprogram their MAGA-hat wearing loved ones, now that the age of Trump is coming to an end. I was fortunate enough to have read Hassan’s book and had the loving scrub-brush of truth wash my brain of all of its formerly pro-Trump sympathies and can honestly say that I am most certainly better off for having left those old delusions in the past. For one thing, I used to enjoy my right to free speech… but thanks to...
  • Trump Undermines Congressional Authority [semi-satire]

    01/23/2021 11:17:48 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 January 2021 | John Semmens
    Ordered to vacate the corridors of the Capitol building after Rep. Will Keating (D-MA) complained that he saw a couple of the National Guard troops at a Dunkin Donuts “without wearing the masks mandated by President Biden,” former President Donald Trump’s offer to let them hang out at his DC hotel incited House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) to add another charge to her impeachment case against him. “Mr. Trump is no longer in charge of the federal government,” Pelosi ranted. “He has no authority to offer accommodations of any sort to these troops. His doing so is further proof of...
  • Post Ends "Fact-Checking" Program [semi-satire]

    01/22/2021 7:57:16 PM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 January 2021 | John Semmens
    The Washington Post announced that it is ending its "fact-checking" program. Glenn Kessler, an editor and chief fact-checker cited "the lack of need for such a program under the new administration." "During the four years Trump was president there were more than 30,000 instances where he made misleading or false statements that cried out for corrections by our staff," Kessler asserted. "During this same time span there wasn't a single instance in which a statement by Joe Biden, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, or any other prominent Democrat was found to be untrue. The elevation of Sen. Charles Schumer, a man...
  • Biden Announces New COVID Vaccine Rollout Plan (Satire)

    01/22/2021 3:42:26 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 1 replies
    1/22/21 | RetiredTexasVet
    Today the Biden Administration announced a new COVID vaccine rollout plan. President Biden announced that Hunter Biden would be the Drug and Vaccine Czar overseeing the vaccine rollout citing his vast experience in drug distribution. Hunter announced that he was shunning CVS, Walgreens, Amazon, Walmart, and other major distributors to accelerate the vaccine rollout. Instead, Hunter has contracted with the major drug cartels to distribute the vaccines citing their vast existing distributor experience and capabilities. Since the cartels have existing agreements with local, state and national political representatives, existing structure and management capabilities would not have to be re-invented. Kickbacks...
  • Biden To Be Sworn In On Copy Of The Communist Manifesto (The Bee strikes again)

    01/20/2021 7:49:32 PM PST · by dynachrome · 17 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 1-19-21 | Babylon Bee
    Kamala Harris has said she still plans to be sworn in on a Bible, but during rehearsal they were having trouble getting her to touch one without hissing and vomiting with her head spinning around like a lawn sprinkler.
  • Last Abortion Mill in Missouri Closes [semi-satire]

    01/19/2021 10:01:12 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2021 | John Semmens
    Operation Rescue, an organization dedicated to saving the lives of children who might otherwise be killed by abortion, issued a report titled The Status of American Abortion Facilities in 2020. During the past year, 45 abortion facilities throughout the nation either closed of stopped performing abortions. Missouri's last such facility closed making it the only state without any abortion facility. Missouri women wanting the procedure are now referred to a facility 16 miles away in Illinois. President Biden's nominee for Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services, Xavier Becerra, warned abortion opponents "to not get so giddy over...
  • Biden's Rescue Plan Will Destroy Jobs [semi-satire]

    01/18/2021 9:28:13 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2021 | John Semmens
    A week ahead of being inaugurated, President Joe Biden announced his $1.9 trillion plan to stimulate the economy. The plan is a list of handouts--$1,400 checks to individuals (including illegal immigrants), unemployment bonus payments, a $15 per hour minimum wage, bailouts for improvident state and local governments, student debt forgiveness, transit subsidies, and "health equity" grants. Economist Stephen Moore estimates that "this so-called stimulus package will cost four million jobs. None of the elements of this plan reward or encourage work or investment—the two main drivers of economic prosperity and growth. A better plan would be a one-year cut of...
  • AOC Calls for Ministry of Truth [semi-satire]

    01/17/2021 10:01:19 AM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2021 | John Semmens
    Concerned that “free speech can be abused by enemies of the Biden Administration to undermine its policies and programs,” Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) is calling for “the creation of a commission or some similar agency to rein in media who deviate from the truth.” While the United States has relied on the First Amendment’s guarantee of freedom of speech for the last 230 years to prevent the government from censoring criticism of itself, Ocasio-Cortez contends that “the anarchy allowed by our Constitution is not up to the task of shepherding the American people toward the democratic socialism voters just endorsed...
  • Objections to Electoral Votes [semi-satire]

    01/16/2021 9:36:11 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2021 | John Semmens
    Despite hundreds of witness affidavits attesting to election "irregularities," videos of suspicious behavior in some vote counting locations, thousands of ballots in the names of dead people being cast, precinct turnouts exceeding 100% of eligible voters in numerous areas, never folded mailed-in ballots, and dozens of malfunctioning vote counting machines—all of which supported the hypothesis that the presidential election may have been stolen, Democrats are currently eager to punish anyone who questions the outcome. Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-MD) called the raising of questions "dangerously divisive. Trump and his supporters are undermining the legitimacy of the election. It is the patriotic...
  • Bill Would Ban Trump from Capitol [semi-satire]

    01/15/2021 8:53:10 PM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2021 | John Semmens
    Calling last week's riot at the US Capitol "the worst thing that has ever happened in America," Rep. Nikema Williams (D-GA) has filed a bill that would permanently bar Donald Trump from entering the building. "Above all else, members of Congress deserve to feel safe as they go about conducting the people's business," she said. "I, for one, would be greatly reassured if I knew that the Capitol Police were to be authorized to shoot him on sight should he ever attempt to enter this sacred place." Inasmuch as Trump was not in the Capitol when the riot took place,...
  • FBI Puts Agents On Overtime Before Inauguration (Satire)

    01/15/2021 4:01:26 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 3 replies
    1/15/21 | RetiredTexasVet
    Director Chrissy Wray has put all of the FBI agents on overtime before the inauguration of Slow Joe Biden. FBI agents will be venturing into bars, strip clubs, BLM, ANTIFA and drug dens to recruit rioters for the inauguration at the nations capitol and state capitols. The FBI will provide the going FBI CI rates, MaGA hats, food and lodging, transportation, bail money and "Friend of Judge Sullivan" cards to recruits. Potential recruits should be prepared to be able to assemble and use gasoline based flammables, beat old people with sticks, break windows, and use vile language when referring to...
  • Out-Of-Work Waitress Excited To See Congress Spend Time Impeaching Trump Again

    01/15/2021 12:19:26 PM PST · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 14 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | January 14, 2021 | The Babylon Bee
    SAINT PAUL, MN—With Democrats in control of Congress, Americans are looking forward to seeing their elected representatives put the needs of the American people first. Democrats have responded by pursuing the one thing every American affected by devastating lockdowns needs: another Trump impeachment. According to experts, there are millions of struggling Americans-- many of whom are completely destitute-- wondering where their next Trump impeachment is coming from. Local unemployed waitress and single mother Alissa Martins spoke to reporters, saying she is "very happy" about this development. "I haven't made a dime in over 3 weeks," said the struggling young mother....
  • Trump Close To Filling Impeachment Punch Card For Free Sub Sandwich

    01/14/2021 8:53:25 PM PST · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 18 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | January 13, 2021 | The Babylon Bee
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—With Trump closing in on a record second impeachment in 4 years, he is now close to filling out his impeachment punch card that grants him a free sub sandwich of his choice in the Capitol Building cafe. "It's a little-known addition to Article II, Section 4 of the U.S. Constitution you may not have heard of," said Constitutional scholar Jenna Ellis. According to Ellis, the full section reads as follows: "The President, Vice President and all Civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high...
  • Professor Calls for Election Investigation [semi-satire]

    01/14/2021 9:26:49 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2021 | John Semmens
    Prof. Jonathan Turley, a constitutional scholar and longtime Democrat, has called for a "thorough, no holds barred investigation of the 2020 presidential election." Turley says that "while I don't personally believe the election was stolen, the fact that tens of millions of voters do is cause for concern. Rather than telling these people to shut up and sit down, I think it would better serve the quest for unity if all the claimed evidence cited by Trump and his supporters could be carefully examined in a fully transparent and open process." "Contrary to media claims, these claims have not really...
  • (Satire) Marine Corps. Rebukes Pelosi: “WE DON’T WORK FOR YOU!”

    01/14/2021 7:21:19 AM PST · by Candor7 · 95 replies
    Real Raw News ^ | January 13, 2021 | Staff
    General David H. Berger, Commandant of the United States Marine Corps., refused House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s request to use the Corps. to safeguard Biden’s Jan. 20 inauguration from Trump supporters and insurrectionists. A Pentagon source speaking under promise of anonymity told Real Raw News that Pelosicontacted Gen. Berger late Monday night, and she beseeched him to commit 5,000 troops to help ensure a peaceful transition of power and to prevent a repeat of the Jan 6 siege of the Capitol. Gen. Berger, our source said, didn’t understand why Pelosi needed additional soldiers to augment an already impressive force assembled by...
  • NY Dems Want COVID Detention Camps [semi-satire]

    01/13/2021 9:24:55 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2021 | John Semmens
    New York State Assembly Member Noah Nicholas Perry (D-Brookyn) has introduced legislation that would authorize Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) to "order the detention of any person who poses an imminent and significant threat to the public health." "The governor has issued numerous decrees ordering folks to stay home, shutdown their businesses, stay out of church, always wear a mask, and refrain from family gatherings involving nonresidents of the home," Perry said. "Most people obey, but there are recalcitrant types who complain that they have a right to live as they please. The fines we have been levying are ineffective when...