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In what economists are hailing as a clear sign of economic recovery, Walmart customers across the USA jammed into stores on Black Friday, sometimes killing each other to buy useless ----.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) Announcing a drawdown of American troops, President Barack Obama tonight maintained that the United States was not deserting Afghanistan, promising the Afghan people, “We will continue to follow you on Twitter

NASHVILLE (The Borowitz Report) - President Barack Obama stunned the country music world today by picking up its highest honor, Country Music Entertainer of the Year. Mr. Obama was chosen unanimously, according to the Country Music Association, beating out such favorite as Carrie Underwood and Toby Keith.

Hillary Sends Bill on Campaign Trip to Antarctica Will Remain There Until Convention, Aides Confirm Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton has sent her husband, former President Bill Clinton, on a “special campaign trip” to Antarctica that could last “six or seven months,” Clinton aides confirmed today. “From here on in, Bill is going to be our man in Antarctica,” said top Clinton strategist Mark Penn. “We have sent him down there with enough food and firewood to last until the Democratic convention this summer.” The unexpected change in the former president’s itinerary happened just hours after Mrs. Clinton’s drubbing...

Televangelist’s Brain, Mouth Elude Other Theories, Experts Say Out of the controversial debate pitting the theory of evolution against the theory of intelligent design has emerged a new theory, dumb design, which some experts believe may explain the televangelist Pat Robertson. The theory of dumb design holds that human beings were designed by a superior being, but one who mysteriously designed certain humans in a particularly dumb way. Enter Rev. Robertson, whom many experts in the theory of dumb design are calling “Exhibit A” in their effort to prove that the theory holds water. “If you take a look at...

One day after Madonna suffered a broken collarbone while riding a horse on her forty-seventh birthday, scientists successfully cloned the music superstar to enable her upcoming world tour to proceed as planned.

Iran’s new president-elect, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, raised eyebrows in the international community today by claiming that his nation is building what he called “the most peaceful nuclear weapon ever.” In a press briefing in Tehran, Mr. Ahmadinejad acknowledged for the first time that Iran was in fact building a nuclear weapon, but pooh-poohed any talk of Iran being a threat to its neighbors, telling reporters, “The nuclear bomb we are currently building is for display purposes only.” Mr. Ahmadinejad said that it was his hope that in building the world’s most peaceful nuclear weapon, other nations in the region and around...

SCIENTISTS SEEK EXPLANATION FOR PARIS HILTON Hotel Heiress’ Popularity the Subject of Oslo Conference Over two thousand of the world’s leading scientists converged on Oslo, Norway to attend a conference devoted to one of modern science’s most baffling phenomena, the continuing popularity of hotel heiress Paris Hilton. In recent years Ms. Hilton’s worldwide fame has puzzled scientists, who have been at a loss to explain the gathering celebrity of a person who by most measures does not possess a distinctive talent, ability or personality. But as the hotel heiress’ popularity has reached critical mass over the past twelve months, some...

Pix Reflect Poorly On Them, Ex-Dictator’s Doubles Say Just days after photographs of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein in his underpants were published by newspapers around the world, look-alikes of the ex-strongman took to the streets of Baghdad, protesting that the unflattering photos reflect poorly on them. Sami Shamoom al-Mumayaz, who worked as a Saddam look-alike for fifteen years before the dictator’s fall in the spring of 2003, expressed the view of many of the outraged look-alikes who clogged the streets of the capital: “We are humiliated and mortified that people will think that this is what we look like...

Pastor Tom Smiley, who became a familiar face to millions of Americans as the public spokesman for runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks, failed to show up at a press conference scheduled for today, sparking a nationwide manhunt. Those close to Mr. Smiley said that they were shocked by his sudden disappearance and began holding a candlelight vigil for his safe return. "I hope to high heavens that there is no foul play involved," said Sheila Delawn, a family friend of Mr. Smiley's who joined the vigil outside his home in Gainesville, Georgia. "What we are all praying for is that the...

In what he called "a landmark deal" with female faculty members, Harvard University president Lawrence Summers agreed today to wear a dress through the end of the 2005-6 academic year. The embattled Harvard president, who created a ruckus when he seemed to question women's ability in the fields of math and science, said that he hoped wearing a dress would demonstrate that he was "trying to be more empathetic" to women's concerns. Dressed in a stylish Chloe dress and looking somewhat unsteady in his Manolo Blahnik slingbacks, Mr. Summers appeared at a press conference looking very much like a man...

The stock market, which has been trading sideways for months amid soaring oil prices and bulging budget deficits, received another body-blow today when it was revealed that Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan ran out of a Sizzler restaurant in Secaucus, New Jersey Wednesday night without paying.

In his final broadcast as anchor of the CBS Evening News, Dan Rather stunned the American people by revealing, at long last, what the frequency is. "Friends, years ago, a gentleman accosted me on the street in Manhattan and asked me, 'What is the frequency, Kenneth?'" the longtime anchor said at the end of the broadcast Wednesday night. "Tonight, I would like to answer that question once and for all." "For the past twenty-four years, I have used these broadcasts to send thought-control brainwaves through your TV sets," the veteran newsman continued. "In order to receive those signals, your brain...

In his final broadcast as anchor of the CBS Evening News, Dan Rather stunned the American people by revealing, at long last, what the frequency is. "Friends, years ago, a gentleman accosted me on the street in Manhattan and asked me, 'What is the frequency, Kenneth?'" the longtime anchor said at the end of the broadcast Wednesday night. "Tonight, I would like to answer that question once and for all." "For the past twenty-four years, I have used these broadcasts to send thought-control brainwaves through your TV sets," the veteran newsman continued. "In order to receive those signals, your brain...

CONDI OFFERS TO GIVE FRANCE MICHAEL MOORE Gift of Filmmaker Seen as Olive Branch In a major foreign policy speech in Paris today, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice extended an olive branch to the French by offering to give them the filmmaker Michael Moore. “We hope you will put aside past differences to work for peace and stability in the Middle East,” Dr. Rice told her audience at the Institute of Political Studies. “And in exchange, we will give you Michael Moore.” In addition to the handover of Michael Moore, Dr. Rice offered to change the name of “Freedom Fries”...

DEMOCRATS EMBARK ON FACT-FINDING MISSION TO NASCAR Ted Kennedy Leads Delegation on Historic Journey Boldly going where no member of their party has ever gone before, key Democratic Party leaders embarked today on an historic fact-finding mission to Nascar. The Nascar visit, the first ever undertaken by Democratic officials, took place only after party leaders devoted several months of research to determine precisely what Nascar was. “Once we learned that Nascar involved cars and racing, and apparently had millions of fans, we looked at each other and said, ‘We must learn more,’” said DNC chairman Terry McAuliffe. The Democratic delegation...

In his resignation speech last week, Mr. Thompson said, "For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do," "Any terrorist madman wanting to contaminate our food supply just needs to click on over to www.hhhs.gov/foodcontaminationtips," Mr. Thompson said. But within hours of Mr. Thompson's speech, international terror mastermind Osama bin Laden issued a new tape complaining that he had tried to click on the food-contamination link and had been directed to a page reading "Under Construction."

LINCOLN BEDROOM FOUND IN CLINTON LIBRARY Historic Room Moved Piece by Piece to Arkansas Visitors who turned out to see Bill Clinton’s presidential library on its opening day were stunned to find that the Lincoln Bedroom had been moved piece by piece from the White House to the Little Rock, Arkansas shrine. Beaming with pride, the former president revealed that he and his wife dismantled the Lincoln Bedroom shortly before leaving the White House in January of 2001, placing the pieces in suitcases with the intention of reassembling the historic room in Mr. Clinton’s presidential library. While admission to the...

KERRY: I WILL FIX MOUNT ST. HELENS Bush ‘In Denial’ About Volcano, Senator Charges Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry kept President Bush on the defensive today, telling a Pittsburgh audience that Mr. Bush had allowed the long-dormant volcano Mount St. Helens to erupt on his watch, adiing that he would “fix Mount St. Helens once and for all” if elected in November. “When George Bush was elected president, Mount St. Helens was nothing but a trivia question,” Mr. Kerry said. “Well, guess what, folks – it’s spewing volcanic gases right now and it’s only a matter of time before she...

In the hopes of snagging the vice-presidential slot on the Democratic ticket headed by Senator John Kerry (D-Mass), Senator John Edwards (D-NC) today underwent an experimental surgical procedure designed to remove every trace of charisma from his body. Dr. Byron Delafield, the surgeon who performed the charisma-extraction surgery, told reporters that he was "cautiously optimistic" that Mr. Edwards ' body was 100% charisma-free. "We have successfully brought his charisma down to a range where it is barely detectable - somewhere between Dick Gephardt and Wesley Clark," Dr. Delafield said.