In final broadcast, Rather reveals what the frequency is

Jewish World Review ^ | 3/10/05 | Andy Borowitz

[Feiny]

In his final broadcast as anchor of the CBS Evening News, Dan Rather stunned the American people by revealing, at long last, what the frequency is.

"Friends, years ago, a gentleman accosted me on the street in Manhattan and asked me, 'What is the frequency, Kenneth?'" the longtime anchor said at the end of the broadcast Wednesday night. "Tonight, I would like to answer that question once and for all."

"For the past twenty-four years, I have used these broadcasts to send thought-control brainwaves through your TV sets," the veteran newsman continued. "In order to receive those signals, your brain had to be tuned to a frequency of 102.7 — and that, my friends, is the frequency."

But Mr. Rather saved his most startling bombshell for last: "My name is not, nor has it ever been Dan Rather — it's Kenneth."

Mr. Rather than held up a birth certificate showing the name "Kenneth Charles Doobin" before signing off the air with a simple, "Courage."

[Feiny]

This is just too funny.

[Eric in the Ozarks]

In other news, Dan's evil twin, Keanu Rather, has been tapped to take over Wednesday night's 60 Minutes II...
Keanu's opening piece is titled, "How the Bush family killed off Studebaker, America's stolen dream."

[fabriclady]

And Dan Rather and Helen Thomas are brother and sister.
They look alike, act alike, report dreams as truth and on and on.

[Eric in the Ozarks]

They are the children of FDR and Eleanor.

[JoeSixPack1]

Ah, but the strawberries! That's where I had them.
They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with geometric logic, that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist!

And I'd have produced that key if they hadn't pulled Caine out of action! I-I-I know now they were only trying to protect some fellow officer and!......(realizes he has been ranting, babbling)

Naturally, I can only cover these things from memory if I've left anything out, why, just ask me specific questions and I'll be glad to answer them...one-by-one..(Captain Queeg removes the steel balls from his pocket and he spins them in his palm insistently as he speaks.)...........

[fabriclady]

exactly, and they are spittin' images of their parents.

[Eric in the Ozarks]

Ratherthink: to know and not to know, to be conscious of complete truthfulness while telling carefully constructed lies, to hold simultaneously two opinions which canceled out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them, to use logic against logic, to repudiate morality while laying claim to it, to believe that democracy was impossible and that the Party was the guardian of democracy, to forget whatever it was necessary to forget, then draw it back into memory again at the moment when it was needed, and then promptly to forget it again, and above all, to apply the same process to the process itself. That was the ultimate subtlety: consciously to induce unconsciousness, and then, once again, to become unconscious of the act of hypnosis you had just performed. Even to understand the word "Ratherspeak<' involved the use of Ratherthink.

[JoeSixPack1]

The clarity with which you have expanded a contractional position gives fluidity to an ever solidifying flow of information. 'Ratherthink' does explain the conflict of falsified but impeccable credentialata!

[skinkinthegrass]

That was the ultimate subtlety: consciously to induce unconsciousness, and then, once again, to become unconscious of the act of hypnosis you had just performed. Even to understand the word "Ratherspeak<' involved the use of Ratherthink...The clarity with which you have expanded a contractional position gives fluidity to an ever solidifying flow of information. 'Ratherthink' does explain the conflict of falsified but impeccable credentialata!

Whoa!..thats' Really Deep...just deep thoughts. :^)

[Eric in the Ozarks]

Thank you.

[7.62 x 51mm]

Buh-Bye, Danny Ra^ther-Blather, and good riddance liberal butt-boy!

[Feiny]

My head just blew up.

[JoeSixPack1]

Wow, I am sooooo sorry. I just hate when that happens!

<|:-)~~

[Lonesome in Massachussets]

"How the Bush family killed off Studebaker, America's stolen dream."

CSAMD (Chuckling softly at my desk.)

[Eric in the Ozarks]

They must've dunnit.

[BulletBobCo]

Rather should have ended his last broadcast with the words...."Baba Booey!".

[Feiny]

Or at least something better than "Courage".