Free Republic

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As part of the transition to a new administration, the Secret Service is working hard to make the White House safe and secure for the incoming 78-year-old president. One of the most important pieces of hardware in the White House will be Biden's presidential scooter, affectionately dubbed "Chair Force One." "This will be one of the most advanced pieces of geriatric technology the world has ever seen," said Secret Service Director James Murray. "With the ability to go from 0 to 3 miles per hour in 12 seconds, it will completely encase Mr. Biden in a shell of bulletproof...

U.S.—With the pandemic still ongoing and many people still getting infected with COVID-19, Democrats have been especially strict with their constituents, enforcing the harshest lockdowns and restrictions on gatherings. Fearing that’s not enough to get their point through, Democrats have gone the extra length of illustrating to the public exactly what they shouldn’t do by engaging in those activities themselves. “This could get people killed,” said California Governor Gavin Newsom as he ate at the famous French Laundry restaurant with a large gathering of friends. He then added, between bites of food, “You have to say home and isolated. I...

UTAH DESERT—Scientists and conspiracy theorists are baffled after a strange monolith-shaped stack of missing Trump votes was discovered without explanation in the middle of the Utah desert. "RIGGED ELECTION!" tweeted Donald Trump after seeing the news on his Twitter feed. "They found my missing votes! There must be 10 million in that stack alone!" Scientists insist Trump's allegations are "baseless" and that the strange stack of mail-in votes for Trump is more likely the result of an artist's work or perhaps an alien visitor. Rudy Giuliani was last seen rappelling down the side of a nearby cliff face to examine...

ONTARIO—After distraught staffers at Penguin Random House Canada complained about the publication of Jordan Peterson's new book Beyond Order: 12 More Rules For Life, the publishing company quickly solved the problem by forcing the crying employees to read Jordan Peterson's book. According to sources, employees have been completely cured of their whining, self-destructive victimhood.

Democrats are very thankful for Never Trumpers, brave conservatives who fought against Trump his entire administration. They are so grateful that they are rewarding the leaders of the Never Trump movement with access to a special VIP section of the gulags they are building. "Thank you so much for helping us defeat Trump -- now, when we haul you off to the gulag, you'll get your own very special section," said Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "You did it! Hooray!" The VIP section will include some chairs, the occasional bottle of moonshine made from potatoes, and a small TV screen where the Never...

U.S.—Studies have shown that wearing masks can help slow the spread of the novel coronavirus, but a new alarming study shows that wearing a mask has a downside: It greatly increases your chance of being a big sissy. “The results are incredible,” said sissiness researcher Winston Sullivan. “Someone could seem perfectly normal, but as soon as they put on a mask, you’re all, ‘Aww. Is the poor little guy scared of getting the flu?’ Total wussification, as it’s known in my field.” According to the study, when some of the participants wore masks, Sullivan felt compelled to knock them to...

SALEM, OR—To prepare for the influx of Thanksgiving rulebreakers, Oregon Governor Kate Brown has ordered all drug dealers to be freed from prison to make room for all the families who violate COVID restrictions. "Drugs are legal now anyway," said Governor Brown. "I hereby pardon all drug offenders currently doing time in Oregon prisons. I can do that right? Whatever -- I'm doing it. The real menaces to society are the families who try to gather with their loved ones to share food and give thanks. These violent science-deniers must be stopped!" According to sources, Oregon State Police have been...

Just hours after Governor Andrew Cuomo accepted an International Emmy for his amazing, informative, not-at-all-filled-with-propaganda COVID press briefings, his Emmy award passed away of COVID-19, sources confirmed Tuesday. "The Emmy was placed in a nursing home for safekeeping and almost immediately contracted the virus, passing away just hours later," said one medical professional. "Cuomo was also seen encouraging the statue to attend a Biden rally and a BLM protest, though he was emphatic that the statue not go to synagogue or church." Cuomo will be awarded another Emmy for his excellent handling of the first Emmy, sources say. He is...

U.S.—In an open letter addressed to state officials, Walmart leadership expressed gratefulness to the government for inflating their sales and stock price while completely pulverizing their small business competition. "Yeah, we know 2020 has been tough for the little people," said one board member while shoveling piles of cash into his vault. "But it's been super great for us! No longer do we have to worry about the baker down the street or the family-owned hardware store next door taking away some of our business. The government just blew them up! We didn't even ask them to! Can you believe...

SHARE If Biden and Harris are in office, that can mean only one thing: get ready for socialism! You know these no-good socialists are gonna socialize everything in sight. That's why we compiled these helpful tips to help you prepare for the coming socialist darkness! If you follow these 10 pointers, you'll be great! Tip #1: Watch Sesame Street videos on sharing Sharing is basically the same thing as socialism. The makers of Sesame Street know this well and have been quietly brainwashing kids to become socialists for decades. Spend a night binge-watching songs from Sesame Street and Daniel Tiger...

Joseph Stalin To Receive International Emmy For His Outstanding Hunger Relief Efforts NEW YORK CITY, NY—The 2020 International Emmy Awards have announced their nominees for their hotly anticipated and highly credible award ceremony this year. In addition to giving New York Governor Andrew Cuomo a leadership award for his excellent pandemic leadership and skill in not killing thousands of innocent nursing home residents, the organization has also announced another recipient: Joseph Stalin. According to sources, Stalin will receive a posthumous award for his outstanding hunger relief efforts. In addition, he will be honored for his masterful skill in crafting a...

The 2020 International Emmy Awards have announced their nominees for their hotly anticipated and highly credible award ceremony this year. In addition to giving New York Governor Andrew Cuomo a leadership award for his excellent pandemic leadership and skill in not killing thousands of innocent nursing home residents, the organization has also announced another recipient: Joseph Stalin. According to sources, Stalin will receive a posthumous award for his outstanding hunger relief efforts. In addition, he will be honored for his masterful skill in crafting a narrative that caused even the imprisoned victims of his regime to sing his praises

U.S.—A concerning new study has revealed that kids raised in church youth groups are leaving the Christian faith at alarming rates, regardless of how much free Mountain Dew and pizza the church ministry feeds them in high school. "I don't know what else to do," said local youth pastor Kaylen Zedwink, known affectionately as "Z-man" by his youth group. "I've consumed nothing but pizza and Mountain Dew for the last 12 years. My cholesterol is approaching lethal levels now. My body is covered in welts from being constantly shot with paintballs. I spend $1200 per month on cool clothes. I...

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—According to anonymous sources, one local Michigan family is choosing to rise up against tyranny and rebel against cultural norms by celebrating the holidays with friends and family, just like normal. In a leak to the press, Governor Whitmer's network of spies revealed that the Ritterson family is planning on having brothers, sisters, and grandparents over for a lovely Thanksgiving and Christmas, filling the home with warmth and joy. "Don't these murderous insurrectionists know that we're in the middle of a pandemic?" bellowed Governor Whitmer. "I will not have my authority questioned by this rebel scum!"

MENLO PARK, CA—It's looking increasingly likely that Trump's lawsuits won't change the results of the election, and that his claims about fraudulent voting and suspicious voting machines won't swing the election in his favor. But many people are now raising concerns as Silicon Valley startup Skynet has unveiled a new line of voting machines. "WE NEED TO LOOK INTO THESE!" tweeted Trump. "RIGGED ELECTION???"

1 Easy Tip For Abiding By Your Governor's Holiday RestrictionsMany state governors are implementing holiday bans and restrictions. It can be tough to navigate all the rules and regulations, especially when they're conflicting, constantly changing, and not even followed by the people who made them. So, we consulted with health experts and came up with this one easy tip to help you abide by your governor's holiday restrictions:1. Don't. Resist tyrants and live your life.(Please note for legal reasons this is satire. We would never advocate having friends and loved ones over, laughing together, sharing stories, eating great food, hugging...

PADUCAH, KY—With Democrats proposing the mass cancellation of student debt, successful Americans around the country are really looking forward to paying taxes to relieve the debt of people who purchased expensive yet useless college degrees. One local plumbing contractor, Sam Caughorn, is really looking forward to paying the tab on his neighbor's $89,000 gender studies degree. "Listen, I'm just a plumber," he said. "I didn't go to college, but I work hard and support my family. I don't know about all that high-falutin gender stuff they teach in college, but I'm sure it must be important since it's so expensive!...

BURBANK, CA—Disney has edited its controversial scene from The Mandalorian, where The Child eats an unfertilized alien egg, so that the creature affectionately known as "Baby Yoda" will simply eat an unborn human baby instead. Apologizing for the scene that angered many corners of the internet with Baby Yoda eating pretend CGI eggs, the studio announced that Baby Yoda will simply abort an unborn baby instead. "Many people were angered that Baby Yoda ate an unfertilized, entirely fictional alien egg, and we believe they will find this far less offensive," said one producer of the show. "It's just a human...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Mulitple sources are reporting that Biden-Harris septic trucks are beginning to arrive in Washington to refill the swamp. Driven by executives from Wall Street, the military-industrial complex, and China, the trucks pulled in and immediately started filling the swamps that were devastated by the Trump administration's policies. They are a key part of Joe Biden's transition team, as he's vowed to begin refilling the swamps on day one of his presidency. "We are here to repair the enormous damage Trump did to the beautiful swamplands of D.C.," said Kamala Harris in a speech, as Biden was napping. "It's absolutely...

U.S.—Leading Democrats are pushing for unity in our nation, and they've found a new way to implement the unity in a mandatory way: "Unity Camps," special institutions designed to teach and train Republicans to unify. "There's nothing that'll make Republicans want unity more than a nice, relaxing stay in one of our Unity Camps," said Joe Biden. "Heck, in my day, we'd have killed to go to camp. I remember one summer, I was sitting in the pool watching my leg hair change color in the water. All the kids liked to run their fingers through it. Anyway, we were...