Since Jan 25, 2004

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First off I’m an inventor. I have patents on my electric nose picker and toilet paper unroller when you clap your hands. I am working on patenting a gas fired bread toaster. I did make a prototype of a cranial electromagnetic stimulator but unfortunately I forgot how I did it because amnesia is one of the side effects. I’m also into civil war airplanes which is a neat hobby.

I was in the military and flew M1 Abrams tanks off of aircraft carriers. I served honorably with Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer in my squadron in the Top Gun School. Out in the field in Afghanistan I wiped out an entire city of Taliban Buddhists. My operations were classified as Top Secret so I worked incognito out of a psych ward at Bethesda Hospital. I don't want to hear any nonsense from other vets about Stolen Valium either. I've never taken downers in my life (stolen or otherwise). Only amphetamines, is that clear?

I've been reduced to working for a living due to bad luck. I'm now employed as a mountain climber for the National Park Service. I rappel down and trim the nose hairs and ear fuzz on the Presidents at Mt. Rushmore.

I am against the Critical Race Theory taught in schools now. This was the brainchild of the famous mathematician William Byegaud Gates. It is essentially a way to predict the winners of horse races, dog races and NASCAR races. That's right! Our kids are being encouraged to gamble. This is a dastardly communist scheme to erode our moral culture. Be vigilant that your local school doesn't teach this or all of your kids will be gamblers.

I am starting a GoFundMe page to cover expenses for my plan to build a theme park on the moon (or Mars whichever one is closer). Because how cool would it be to have a theme park in almost zero gravity?

My life has been so exciting my publicist is in negotiations to tell my life story in one of Marvels Superhero films. So I may be coming to the Big Screen before long.