Free Republic

DETROIT, MI — Sources within the fundraising wing of the Trump campaign report that they recently raised several million dollars in fewer than 12 hours after Trump introduced the new catchphrase "How much would you pay not to hear Kamala talk?" According to Doug Jameson, a Trump staffer, the phrase has been incredibly effective at getting average Americans to cough up some cash for Trump. "As it turns out, people are really, really motivated by the prospect of not having to listen to Kamala Harris for the next four years," Jameson said. "I can't believe we didn't think of this...

Poor Kamala has struggled during interviews to think of any differences between herself and President Biden, so the Babylon Bee has graciously decided to help her out! Here is a helpful list of the 10 clear, distinct differences between Kamala Harris and Joe Biden:Kamala Harris: Brain-dead. Joe Biden: Actually dead.

U.S. — Despite a significant majority of the nation now believing President Biden mentally unfit for office, the Democratic Party has decided to stay with Biden as its nominee as it would be a huge pain to reprint the tens of thousands of ballots they already filled out. "On one hand, the nation now knows Biden is incapable of thinking and is a clear and present danger to himself and the country," said DNC chair Jaime Harrison. "On the other hand, it would be SUCH a pain to have to reprint all those ballots when we already filled them all...

ALBUQUERQUE, NM — Planning for the President's much-anticipated faceoff with Donald Trump began in earnest this week, as a group of the world's top scientists convened in a secret lab to develop the perfect drug cocktail for Joe Biden to make it through a one-hour debate. The lab, reportedly located deep underground beneath an unsuspecting industrial laundromat, was tasked with concocting a substance that would be strong enough to help the president maintain some semblance of alertness and cognitive focus for his debate with Trump. "We've got our brightest minds working on this," said one inside source who asked to...

LEBANON, TN — In an attempt to right the ship amid financial struggles and grow its customer base, restaurant chain Cracker Barrel announced it will be rebranded as Hispanic, Black, and Cracker Barrel. The company's decision to rebrand came after several difficult years for the business as it continued to wrestle with a variety of obstacles, including inflation, an aging clientele, and an apparent lack of people across the country in need of rocking chairs or old-timey home decor and crafts that were popular a century ago. "We need to cast a wider net for customers," said Cracker Barrel CEO...

Police Slowly Escort White Hearse Containing O.J. SimpsonLOS ANGELES, CA — Mourners and curious onlookers alike gathered along the 405 freeway in Southern California to bear witness as Los Angeles Police vehicles slowly escorted a white For Bronco hearse containing O.J. Simpson.The procession, which traveled at a low speed with law enforcement working to prohibit any other vehicles from getting on the freeway, allowed onlookers to have one final chance to see Simpson being followed by police officers."One last time, for old time's sake," said one witness who watched the white Bronco roll by followed by dozens of police cruisers....

PARIS — Leonardo DaVinci's famous Mona Lisa has reportedly been retrofitted with laser eyes by security at the Louvre in response to attacks by activists attempting to vandalize the painting for attention. "Visitors have always remarked how Mona Lisa seems to be looking at them wherever they are standing," said Louvre head of security Dominique Javert while eating a baguette and smoking a cigarette in one of those long cigarette holder thingies. "Now, visitors should know that her piercing gaze comes equipped with a pair of 10-kilowatt laser blasters ready to vaporize anyone who would vandalize her." According to sources,...

U.S. — In a shocking turn of events, the Epstein List was found hanging in a secure document storage facility this morning, according to local authorities. "This is such a tragedy for many of us who desperately wanted to know who was on that list," said former Presidential candidate and document security expert Hillary Clinton. "Now we'll sadly never know. My thoughts and prayers are with the family of this 'Epstein List,' may it rest in peace." Authorities confirmed the list was found hanging by a rope tied to an overhead beam, and that it had killed itself completely of...

hello I'm Roland Gruff and welcome to 0:04 cult classics today we'll examine a film 0:07 that's been the subject of much 0:10 speculation President Biden has 0:12 repeatedly referenced an old John Wayne 0:15 western that supposedly contains the 0:18 line you are a line dog-faced pony 0:21 soldier John L points to the union says 0:25 he's a lion dogf pony soldier though 0:28 Biden claims this movie exist this no 0:30 one else has been able to identify it 0:33 they thought Biden was just old or 0:36 confused or scile or suffering from 0:40 Dementia or...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With Christmas just around the corner, Mayor London Breed of San Francisco encouraged residents to get their shoplifting done early this year. "Hard to believe the looting season is already upon us!" said Mayor Breed. "We are encouraging all residents to begin shoplifting for Christmas before everything, including the stores themselves, are shuttered and gone!" Though typically last-minute shoplifters, local couple Jared and Stacey Adams said they would be committing grand larceny much earlier this year. "I waited until Christmas Eve last year and every store in the city had been cleared out and turned into...

In a blow to the transparency of information and what could have been a treasure trove of evidence against a global sex trafficking ring, the Pentagon has announced the lost F-35 fighter jet was apparently carrying the only known copy of Jeffrey Epstein's client list.

DETROIT, MI — With UAW workers officially on strike to demand a 4-day, 32-hour work week, leadership with the Big Three automakers are reportedly struggling with whether to replace the union workers with robots or Mexicans. "We really could go either way on this," said Ford CEO Jim Farley while lighting up a Cuban cigar with a stack of $100 dollar bills. "On one hand, robots work perfectly and tirelessly without complaining around the clock. On the other hand, President Biden is welcoming thousands and thousands of Mexicans across the border every day who will happily do these jobs for...

A new study reveals how we could design robots to think like bees. Honey bees excel in weighing effort against reward and risk, quickly determining which flowers can provide sustenance for their colony. A study recently published in the journal eLife illustrates how eons of evolution have fine-tuned honey bees to make swift judgments while minimizing danger. This research sheds light on the workings of insect minds, the evolution of human cognition, and offers insights for improved robot design. The paper presents a model of decision-making in bees and outlines the paths in their brains that enable fast decision-making. The...

In 2022, the Royal Australian Mint issued a $2 coin decorated with honeybees. Around 2,400 years earlier, a mint in the kingdom of Macedon had the same idea, creating a silver obol coin with a bee stamped on one side.Over the centuries between these two events, currency demonstrating a symbolic link between honey and money is surprisingly common.In a recent study in Australian Coin Review, I trace the bee through numismatic history—and suggest a scientific reason why our brains might naturally draw a connection between the melliferous insects and the abstract idea of value...Ancient Malta was famous for its honey....

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an extremely awkward moment, six Supreme Court justices ruled that affirmative action is unconstitutional, completely forgetting that affirmative action hire Ketanji Brown Jackon was sitting right there next to them. "Welp, this is kind of an uncomfortable situation," said Chief Justice John Roberts after turning in his majority opinion. "No hard feelings, ok, Ketanji? We're still invited to the cookout at your place this weekend, right?"Roberts then slunk away with an embarrassed look on his face."Today is a sad day for anyone who was hired strictly based on their race, gender, and sexual orientation rather...

Satan speaks to kids at public library.

Quick video of how liberals help the poor

NASHVILLE, TN — Early reports from Nashville's CMT awards are confirming that against all odds, country music has managed to somehow get even worse."We're as shocked as you are," said local music critic Bubba Bordeaux. "We really didn't think it could get any more awful than this, but once again, Nashville managed to shatter our expectations with how audaciously bad their music can be! How do they do it year after year? Amazing!"Experts say that after over a decade of looping snap tracks, breathy pop, and Taylor Swift, most believed that the genre had finally discovered its bottom, only to...

ORLANDO, FL — Amid an escalating feud with Ron DeSantis, Disney dealt a devastating blow to the Governor by changing the requirements on all their attractions so that only people over 6 feet tall may enter. "Come on, guys! I'm almost 6 feet! I'm, like, 5'10" at least! Look at my driver's license!" DeSantis reportedly argued to a park cast member while attempting to board "It's a Small World." But witnesses claim they saw the employee tap a nearby sign to demonstrate that DeSantis was, in actuality, nowhere near tall enough. "Don't make me call park security — I...

WASHINGTON, DC — An envoy of extraterrestrial beings stifled their frustration and asked to be taken to a different leader after their initial meeting with President Joe Biden left them confused and exasperated, sources say. "I guess he's not the leader they were expecting," said an insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "It was the classic sci-fi movie scenario, with the aliens arriving and telling us, ‘Take us to your leader.' We quickly set up a meeting with President Biden, and things went downhill from there." "The aliens were already asking why we kept shooting down their peace...