Free Republic

BOULDER, CO — The controversy surrounding a horrific attack over the weekend continued today, as a Colorado court ruled that Jewish victims must bake a cake for the terrorist who lit them on fire. The ruling, handed down early Monday morning after Sunday's terrorist attack in which a Muslim illegal alien from Egypt viciously burned Jewish people at a pro-Israel event, mandated that the badly burned victims of the attack bake their assailant a cake within the next 30 days or face consequences. "Refusal to bake a cake for the man who burned them would be horribly prejudiced," said District...

Former President Joe Biden got lost in his own closet at the White House, a Secret Service whistleblower claimed to MAGA Senator Josh Hawley. The Missouri Republican shared the intel with Fox News host Sean Hannity Friday, adding to the ongoing speculation that Biden's administration worked to cover-up his declining mental state. 'He [the Secret Service member] told me that Biden used to get lost in his closet in the mornings at the White House,' Hawley explained, adding that his source was assigned to Biden while he was the president. 'I mean, the guy literally stumbling around in the White...

CAMBRIDGE, MA — With the Trump administration banning Harvard University from taking international students, the school was forced to begin accepting students from Ohio. "I can't believe I'm doing this," said Harvard Dean of Admissions Phil Donahue. "I never thought we would fall so far. I've spent my entire life trying to never even speak to someone from Ohio, much less allow them into Harvard. This is rock bottom."

Democracy is dead because Trump killed it by being elected to a second presidential term. But could he kill it even more by serving a third term as president? It's possible. Here are 11 feasible ways that Trump could serve a third term. Here they are. Read, and shudder. Trump could appoint himself as a Federal Judge and unilaterally proclaim himself the Forever President: Federal judges can do anything they want and no one can stop them. He might change his name to Bill Trump, making him legally eligible to run again: The Founders never accounted for a despot who...

WASHINGTON, DC — Layoffs at the Department of Education were delayed yesterday after administrators could not calculate how many employees fifty percent would be. "We got an order from the President to cut our employment numbers by fifty percent, but how in the world would you calculate that? Do you like, times something?" DOE employee Kaitlyn Miller told the press. "Maybe you divide, or even square root something. We really don't know how to proceed. I wish there were some sort of department of fractions." Employees spent the better part of the day attempting to count up the number of...

U.S. — Only one week into the new administration and struggling to keep up with the constant flow of things being accomplished, the exhausted news media collectively begged President Donald Trump to take a day off. Journalists and broadcasters who were not used to working quite this hard urgently asked Trump's staff if they could please ask him to just pause for one single, solitary day. "Please… please… just let up for a second," said a visibly disheveled Jake Tapper. "The executive orders, the trips to disaster-ravaged areas of the country, the manhandling of foreign leaders and making them do...

The Babylon Bee Presents: Our 100% Accurate Predictions For 2025

Meet John Larson, a paraplegic firefighter who is breaking barriers with the LAFD.

DETROIT, MI — Sources within the fundraising wing of the Trump campaign report that they recently raised several million dollars in fewer than 12 hours after Trump introduced the new catchphrase "How much would you pay not to hear Kamala talk?" According to Doug Jameson, a Trump staffer, the phrase has been incredibly effective at getting average Americans to cough up some cash for Trump. "As it turns out, people are really, really motivated by the prospect of not having to listen to Kamala Harris for the next four years," Jameson said. "I can't believe we didn't think of this...

Poor Kamala has struggled during interviews to think of any differences between herself and President Biden, so the Babylon Bee has graciously decided to help her out! Here is a helpful list of the 10 clear, distinct differences between Kamala Harris and Joe Biden:Kamala Harris: Brain-dead. Joe Biden: Actually dead.

U.S. — Despite a significant majority of the nation now believing President Biden mentally unfit for office, the Democratic Party has decided to stay with Biden as its nominee as it would be a huge pain to reprint the tens of thousands of ballots they already filled out. "On one hand, the nation now knows Biden is incapable of thinking and is a clear and present danger to himself and the country," said DNC chair Jaime Harrison. "On the other hand, it would be SUCH a pain to have to reprint all those ballots when we already filled them all...

ALBUQUERQUE, NM — Planning for the President's much-anticipated faceoff with Donald Trump began in earnest this week, as a group of the world's top scientists convened in a secret lab to develop the perfect drug cocktail for Joe Biden to make it through a one-hour debate. The lab, reportedly located deep underground beneath an unsuspecting industrial laundromat, was tasked with concocting a substance that would be strong enough to help the president maintain some semblance of alertness and cognitive focus for his debate with Trump. "We've got our brightest minds working on this," said one inside source who asked to...

LEBANON, TN — In an attempt to right the ship amid financial struggles and grow its customer base, restaurant chain Cracker Barrel announced it will be rebranded as Hispanic, Black, and Cracker Barrel. The company's decision to rebrand came after several difficult years for the business as it continued to wrestle with a variety of obstacles, including inflation, an aging clientele, and an apparent lack of people across the country in need of rocking chairs or old-timey home decor and crafts that were popular a century ago. "We need to cast a wider net for customers," said Cracker Barrel CEO...

Police Slowly Escort White Hearse Containing O.J. SimpsonLOS ANGELES, CA — Mourners and curious onlookers alike gathered along the 405 freeway in Southern California to bear witness as Los Angeles Police vehicles slowly escorted a white For Bronco hearse containing O.J. Simpson.The procession, which traveled at a low speed with law enforcement working to prohibit any other vehicles from getting on the freeway, allowed onlookers to have one final chance to see Simpson being followed by police officers."One last time, for old time's sake," said one witness who watched the white Bronco roll by followed by dozens of police cruisers....

PARIS — Leonardo DaVinci's famous Mona Lisa has reportedly been retrofitted with laser eyes by security at the Louvre in response to attacks by activists attempting to vandalize the painting for attention. "Visitors have always remarked how Mona Lisa seems to be looking at them wherever they are standing," said Louvre head of security Dominique Javert while eating a baguette and smoking a cigarette in one of those long cigarette holder thingies. "Now, visitors should know that her piercing gaze comes equipped with a pair of 10-kilowatt laser blasters ready to vaporize anyone who would vandalize her." According to sources,...

U.S. — In a shocking turn of events, the Epstein List was found hanging in a secure document storage facility this morning, according to local authorities. "This is such a tragedy for many of us who desperately wanted to know who was on that list," said former Presidential candidate and document security expert Hillary Clinton. "Now we'll sadly never know. My thoughts and prayers are with the family of this 'Epstein List,' may it rest in peace." Authorities confirmed the list was found hanging by a rope tied to an overhead beam, and that it had killed itself completely of...

hello I'm Roland Gruff and welcome to 0:04 cult classics today we'll examine a film 0:07 that's been the subject of much 0:10 speculation President Biden has 0:12 repeatedly referenced an old John Wayne 0:15 western that supposedly contains the 0:18 line you are a line dog-faced pony 0:21 soldier John L points to the union says 0:25 he's a lion dogf pony soldier though 0:28 Biden claims this movie exist this no 0:30 one else has been able to identify it 0:33 they thought Biden was just old or 0:36 confused or scile or suffering from 0:40 Dementia or...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With Christmas just around the corner, Mayor London Breed of San Francisco encouraged residents to get their shoplifting done early this year. "Hard to believe the looting season is already upon us!" said Mayor Breed. "We are encouraging all residents to begin shoplifting for Christmas before everything, including the stores themselves, are shuttered and gone!" Though typically last-minute shoplifters, local couple Jared and Stacey Adams said they would be committing grand larceny much earlier this year. "I waited until Christmas Eve last year and every store in the city had been cleared out and turned into...

In a blow to the transparency of information and what could have been a treasure trove of evidence against a global sex trafficking ring, the Pentagon has announced the lost F-35 fighter jet was apparently carrying the only known copy of Jeffrey Epstein's client list.

DETROIT, MI — With UAW workers officially on strike to demand a 4-day, 32-hour work week, leadership with the Big Three automakers are reportedly struggling with whether to replace the union workers with robots or Mexicans. "We really could go either way on this," said Ford CEO Jim Farley while lighting up a Cuban cigar with a stack of $100 dollar bills. "On one hand, robots work perfectly and tirelessly without complaining around the clock. On the other hand, President Biden is welcoming thousands and thousands of Mexicans across the border every day who will happily do these jobs for...