Free Republic

LOS ANGELES, CA — Embattled law enforcement officers trying to keep violent protesters at bay now have to wait even longer for help, as news broke that U.S. Marine tanks had gotten stuck in traffic on the 405 freeway. National Guard servicemen and Los Angeles Police Department riot officers had been waiting for the arrival of 700 Marines deployed at the order of President Donald Trump to deal with crowds of anti-ICE rioters, but the Marines were immediately held up in L.A. gridlock. "This is ridiculous. C'mon, people, move it!" shouted one Lance Corporal while poking his head out the...

President Donald Trump's administration finally got settled into the White House this week, but word has it that cleaning the place out after Joe Biden's departure was a daunting task. Trump's team worked long hours following the inauguration, and you won't believe what they found. The Babylon Bee's Washington, D.C. connections provided the following list of things found by Trump's staff when cleaning out the White House: 1. 74 bags of a white, powdery substance: Test results were still pending to identify the substance, but… you know what it was. 2. Several leftover cases of adult diapers: As any parent...

The solemnity of former President Jimmy Carter's funeral was slightly marred earlier this morning when a few confused mourners accidentally placed flowers on Biden. According to eyewitnesses, the mistaken mourners seem to have confused the dead former president with the unmoving, unblinking, statuesque Biden. "There had been a line going up at the Cathedral to put flowers on Jimmy," said Vivian Glecker, a White House staffer. "And a few of the people in line accidentally stopped to start laying flowers on Biden instead. One of them even tried to close his eyes. It got really awkward after they split up...

SACRAMENTO, CA — In a statement intended to assuage the fears of Democratic voters throughout the state, Governor Gavin Newsom assured Californians that they would be kept safe from all of the Trump administration's prosperity, safety, and lower prices. California residents who had fallen into despair following Trump's victory were relieved to hear that Governor Newsom would be doing everything in his power to shield them from the restoration of hope and happiness offered by Trump's return to the White House. "Trump's message of peace, success, and security has no power here," Newsom said in a defiant announcement this morning....

In an impassioned announcement made in protest of President-Elect Donald Trump's victory Tuesday night, celebrity Rosie O'Donnell vowed to continue her sex strike that has already reached 38 years. O'Donnell made the vow in a video released on social media, promising to carry on her abstinence well past 40 years and into a fifth decade in an effort to show her outrage at Trump's re-election. "I've been protesting Trump's presidency since the late 1980s," O'Donnell said during the video. "All of these liberal women are coming out now and saying they're going on sex strikes to protest Trump's election? Join...

U.S. — The results of a new Gallup poll reveal Americans are excited to finally have a new president for the first time in four years. According to the poll, many Americans decided that having no President for the last 4 years was a terrible idea in retrospect. "Whose idea was that anyway?" asked one citizen who was interviewed. "I think I like having a President in office better than having no President. That's just my personal opinion." Per Article II of the United States Constitution, the President acts as commander-in-chief and head of the executive branch of the government,...

Following the public outcry about the state's Department of Environmental Conservation raiding a local man's home and euthanizing his pet squirrel who had hundreds of thousands of social media followers, New York authorities announced Peanut the squirrel had died of COVID-19. Officials revealed Peanut's cause of death in an effort to calm the backlash that resulted from what many people have labeled a blatant example of government overreach and misaligned priorities. "We're saddened to announce that COVID-19 has claimed yet another victim," Governor Kathy Hochul told reporters. "An autopsy conducted yesterday revealed Peanut's caretakers had evidently failed to administer the...

U.S. — In a surprise development, Joe Rogan, host of the most popular podcast on the planet, decided to bring on a former McDonald's fry cook as a featured guest. The since-retired McDonald's employee, named Donald, had just days ago been photographed serving up French fries at a Philadelphia drive-through. Incredibly, less than a week later, the former fry cook had landed a spot on the most downloaded podcast in the world. According to producers, Rogan and the fry cook covered a range of topics during their three-hour conversation, including how each got their scars and why windmills drive whales...

Gov. Gavin Newsom had a dire warning for California this week: “Big oil companies are in cahoots with Donald Trump pushing prices even higher during election season.”

TUSCALOOSA, AL — Elders at First Bible Church of Tuscaloosa recently placed the church's head pastor Bob "Jimbo" James on leave after he gave a sermon without incorporating even one single college football analogy.According to congregants at First Bible, congregants became concerned when Pastor Jimbo began to approach the 30-minute mark of his sermon without having mentioned the comeback over South Carolina, Coach DeBoer, or even saying "Roll Tide.""Things were getting a bit edgy," said Marty Travis, a member of First Bible Church and Crimson Tide alumnus. "He had such an easy opportunity to say how the inseparable operations of...

All three people who watch The View were completely unaffected by the talk show's recent decision to replace their entire cast with shrieking feral pigs. According to Matylda Männer, an unemployed 45-year-old Kamala voter and antique hoarder, the show swapped out Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Sunny Hostin, Sara Haines, and the rest of the cast for a newborn brood of clamoring pigs, but it hasn't actually changed anything about the show. "I plopped down to hear some wisdom from Whoopi Goldberg," Männer said. "And then I realized — there was no Whoopi Goldberg. So I watched the show through anyway....

U.S. — Following last night's debate in which David Muir and Linsey Davis employed an impressive strategy against former President Donald Trump, news broke that Democrats have decided to replace Kamala Harris on the ballot with the ABC moderators. Discussions began almost immediately after the debate to replace the Harris-Walz ticket with Muir-Davis based entirely on the moderators' ability to articulate Harris' positions and attack Trump better than she ever has. "They really got her strongest points across," said one top Democratic Party official. "We loved the way they fought back against any facts Trump was presenting. They've mastered the...

Following the Vice President's widely criticized pre-taped interview with CNN, reports circulated that the Democrats were considering replacing Kamala Harris with the more coherent Joe Biden. Harris's joint interview with running mate Tim Walz was met with poor reviews, with top Democratic officials citing Harris' inability to provide cogent answers or communicate like a person as reasons why the party should turn to the clarity and coherence of Joe Biden. "It may be time to consider a more mentally fit candidate," said one high-ranking Democrat who asked to remain anonymous. "We gave Kamala the good ol' college try, but she...

Weird or Not Weird? You decide. Correct! Your Answer: Weird Explanation: Four kids? Does he know how bad that is for the climate? WEIRD.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite rampant skepticism among the voting public as November approached, the party cheating in the primary election solemnly promised that it would definitely not be cheating in the general election. A group of the nation's most prominent Democrats held a press conference to allay the fears of American citizens that the fact that they had just successfully undermined the democratic process to replace Joe Biden with Kamala Harris on the presidential ticket might be an indication that they would pull similar unethical shenanigans in November's general election against Donald Trump. "Don't be ridiculous," said Nancy Pelosi when...

The president is missing! A source confirmed late Tuesday night that President Biden, apparently spooked by Independence Day fireworks, piddled on a rug before bolting in terror into the woods behind the White House. The anonymous source said Jill forgot to lock Joe in his crate before the fireworks started, causing him to startle at the loud noise. "He started running in circles, then he peed all over the rug in the bedroom and made a break for it through an open kitchen door," the source said. "Unfortunately, the President's son Hunter left the back gate open, as he was...

LEBANON, TN — In an attempt to right the ship amid financial struggles and grow its customer base, restaurant chain Cracker Barrel announced it will be rebranded as Hispanic, Black, and Cracker Barrel. The company's decision to rebrand came after several difficult years for the business as it continued to wrestle with a variety of obstacles, including inflation, an aging clientele, and an apparent lack of people across the country in need of rocking chairs or old-timey home decor and crafts that were popular a century ago. "We need to cast a wider net for customers," said Cracker Barrel CEO...

Local baby Oliver Daniels patiently waited to be completely strapped in his car seat before unleashing Armageddon in his diaper. "That's it Mommy, one more buckle," snickered Oliver as he readied to unload. "Come on now, let's get just barely out of the driveway, and... it's show time!" According to sources, six-month old Oliver knew from the time he woke up that morning that an epic blowout was in store. "It was a question of when, not if," explained Oliver. "I spent the whole night before slamming pouches of mixed fruits and veggies. Then, I heard Mommy say we were...

LOS ANGELES, CA — A reboot of the popular Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise will feature an all-female cast backing into rocks for two hours, says Disney. "Women walk the plank together," a tagline for the film reads, referencing how women should stand together in life — and how they always go to the bathroom together for some reason. The movie is expected to come in under budget thanks to the strategic use of Hollywood's gender pay gap combined with the fact the film only needs one set as the entire film takes place on a ship that has...

Final polling data ahead of the official caucus shows Nikki Hayley losing to Trump, which the presidential candidate has emphatically said is "unacceptable." According to sources, polling data motivated her to launch retaliatory attacks against a voter base that despises her. Support by defense contractors for Hayley's presidential campaign has since quadrupled. "We're all in for Team Hayley," said Lockheed Martin CEO David Rumsfeld. "It's so inspiring the way she wants to give us money to bomb people. Boy, do I love bombing people." Iowans have responded unfavorably to the bombings, but Fox News reporters confirm that the diminished Iowan...