Free Republic

Meet Chuck. Chuck is an actual, card-carrying Nazi. But now that everyone is a Nazi, he struggles to stand out in the world. Sad!

The Associated Press just made it clear where it stands on the terrorists’ war on Israel: With the terrorists. How else to read its bizarre puff piece Wednesday sympathizing with the poor, suffering Hezbollah goons injured in Israel’s pager attack last year? The Babylon Bee couldn’t have come up with a better parody than the 2,100-word feature, “Survivors of Israel’s pager attack on Hezbollah struggle to recover” — though that’s not how AP’s Bassem Mroue and Sarah El Deeb meant it. The two recount their interviews with six people wounded in the attack, all “Hezbollah officials or fighters or members...

https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-warn-new-trump-census-could-negate-all-the-illegal-alien-votes-biden-brought-inWASHINGTON, D.C. — After President Donald Trump ordered census takers to only include U.S. citizens in their counts, Democrats warned the country that the new rule could negate all the illegal alien votes Joe Biden worked so hard to bring in. After news broke of Trump's changes to the census process, top Democrats took to the airwaves to let the American people know that such a drastic shift in procedure could potentially trample the voting rights of the millions of illegals imported under the Biden administration. "This could lead to only U.S. citizens voting in U.S. elections," said House Minority...

https://babylonbee.com/news/gina-carano-settles-with-disney-will-replace-pedro-pascal-in-all-movies BURBANK, CA — In the conclusion to a years-long legal battle, actress and former MMA fighter Gina Carano announced that she had reached an agreement to settle with Disney and would subsequently replace Pedro Pascal in all movies. Carano had taken legal action against Disney following her 2022 firing from the Star Wars series The Mandalorian, with the studio eventually offering her a settlement that included having her replace Pascal, who had been signed to appear in every single movie for the next several years. "This is a resounding win for Gina, since she will now be cast in...

Former Vice President Kamala Harris has written a new book about her brief presidential campaign called 107 Days, and The Babylon Bee has obtained an advance copy. The book won't be released until next month, but here are some of the most fascinating quotes: 1 "A prologue is like an introduction. So, here's my introduction. And this is my book. A book written by me. I am me. The writer of the book." 2 "My publisher said this book should be 100,000 words, which is very, very, very, very [...] very, very, very many words." 3 "This is a chapter....

TULSA, OK — Witnesses said local wife Danielle Matson perked up quickly after hearing the sound of her husband, Dave, plopping down on the couch, as it instantly reminded her of all the things she needed him to do for her. While her husband had just finished mowing and weeding the yard after spending all day working at his day job, Danielle didn't remember all of the pressing tasks she needed him to complete until she heard his body make contact with the couch cushions. "Oh! Dave!" she exclaimed. "Can you bring in the giant bag of flour I bought...

https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-gerrymanders-us-to-include-canada WASHINGTON, D.C. — The geopolitical balance of power appeared to experience a significant shift this week, as President Donald Trump announced that he had gerrymandered the United States of America to now include Canada. The savvy political maneuver by Trump completed his plan to annex Canada, simultaneously solving the U.S.'s trade deficit with its northern neighbor while also now merging the two nations into one supercountry that possessed the largest maple syrup reserve in the world. "It's done. I drew the line myself," Trump told reporters in the Oval Office after unveiling the order. "I'm the president, and I...

https://babylonbee.com/news/study-finds-possible-connection-between-current-heatwave-and-giant-flaming-orb-in-the-sky SILVER SPRING, MD — A new study commissioned by the National Weather Service may have found a possible connection between the current heatwave and a giant flaming orb in the sky. The mystery of what causes heatwaves has perplexed climate scientists around the world for decades. Researchers working with NASA and top American universities have recently decided to stop using complex climate models, step away from their desks, and look outside at the giant flaming orb in the sky as a possible explanation as to why things get hot in the summertime. "That big flaming orb in the sky...

In an effort to create a strong deterrent to anyone considering perpetrating any further incidents, the WNBA issued a warning that anyone caught throwing things onto the court would be forced to attend 10 more WNBA games. The policy change came on the heels of multiple incidents in which unidentified individuals threw inappropriate items into the court during play. WNBA officials said that any further instances of such behavior would result in the people responsible being sentenced to watch more WNBA, whether they liked it or not. "It's a severe penalty, yes, but hopefully it will make people think twice,"...

Sydney Sweeney is in hot water for her recent jeans ad, with many calling her a Nazi. And this video proves it - an exclusive authentic Hitler jeans ad from 1942. Hitler has great jeans.

Lex Luthor Reveals To The World That Superman Is A Registered Republican https://buff.ly/HprGC5Qhttps://babylonbee.com/news/lex-luthor-reveals-to-the-world-that-superman-is-a-registered-republicanMETROPOLIS — Superman is a registered Republican, as confirmed by LuthorCorp CEO Lex Luthor at a press conference on Monday. "Superman is not who you think he is!" Luthor said. "He's no hero. He's a registered Republican and has been since 2024!" Luthor reportedly discovered the shocking news after breaking into Superman's Fortress of Solitude and discovering his voter registration form. "I knew I was going to find something horrific, but I never thought it'd be that he was a Republican," Luthor later said of the find. "Maybe...

TEXHOMA, TX — Democratic lawmakers who fled the state to disrupt a vote on a new congressional redistricting map could soon find themselves out of a job, as Governor Greg Abbott announced the construction of a giant northern border wall designed to keep them out permanently. Abbott issued a statement declaring that while any Democrat who did not show up to vote on the new redistricting map was vacating their seat, he would also be building a wall to prevent them from re-entering the state. "You all can just stay up there in Oklahoma," Abbott said. "I just wanted them...

BERLIN — Historians have uncovered a blue jeans ad featuring Adolf Hitler from 1942. "Hitler has good jeans," declared the newly-unearthed advertisement, a clarion call for the violent establishment of a dominant Aryan race. "This blue jeans ad was truly the moment when Hitler's ambitions became clear," said historian Steve Marks. "The jeans, the sexy pose, the open call for eugenics to destroy deplorables... this photograph truly encapsulates the very heart of Naziism. Horrifying." While scholars have long speculated that Hitler must have modeled blue jeans as part of his fascist rule, the shocking ad has roiled historians. "We always...

CINCINNATI, OH — Local authorities issued a warning advising all white visitors to the city to please make sure they avoid assaulting the fists of black people with their skulls. In a joint press conference with the police chief, Mayor Aftab Pureval strongly urged anyone who is white to exercise restraint during their time in the city. "Every year, hundreds of innocent black fists are brutally attacked by the skulls, eye sockets, and jaws of cruel white people," said Pureval to reporters. "This senseless white-on-black violence must stop now. The sanctity and safety of our local black fists are at...

U.S. — As preparations geared up for the 2028 presidential election, the Democratic Party unveiled its new campaign slogan of "We Hate Capitalism, Hot Chicks, and the Jews." The party expressed belief that the new slogan would convey a clear message about the party's values while broadening its appeal to new groups of potential voters. "We were looking for a slogan that would communicate our agenda of abolishing capitalism, Jewish people, and objectively attractive women," one Democrat source said. "This new slogan couldn't be more perfect." Party leaders reportedly scrapped other suggestions to return their platform and slogan to a...

https://babylonbee.com/news/cnn-white-man-in-bronco-leading-police-on-high-speed-chaseLOS ANGELES — CNN has reported that a white man driving a Ford Bronco is leading police on a chase all around Los Angeles. According to CNN journalists on the ground, the white male has been identified as famed football player O.J. Simpson, who was fleeing arrest after a warrant was issued in connection with a double homicide. "We are now taking you to a live video stream of the white man attempting to evade arrest," said anchor Jennifer Donaldson. "The fugitive Caucasian male, identified by police as O.J. 'The Juice' Simpson, is apparently being driven by another Caucasian male,...

U.S. — Newly declassified intelligence files revealed that every politician, government official, and political candidate except Donald Trump colluded with Russia in 2016. The scandal reportedly took news media and D.C. insiders by complete surprise. "Wow, it looks like everything was exactly the opposite of what we were all told," said one surprised American citizen. "Who could've imagined they'd lie to us like this? It doesn't seem like something they'd do." The documents indicated that several key figures, including Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Susan Rice, James Comey, James Clapper, John Kerry, Joe Biden, Ash Carter, Loretta Lynch, Eric Holder, Jeh...

https://babylonbee.com/news/kamala-announces-she-will-step-away-from-politics-to-spend-more-time-with-vodka SACRAMENTO — Former Vice President Kamala Harris officially announced today that she would be stepping away from politics in order to spend more quality time with vodka. Harris stated that in the wake of her defeat in the 2024 election, she spent time evaluating what her priorities were at this stage in life and discovered that it was vodka. "I'm looking forward to finally being at home with vodka," said Harris. "See vodka, it's like a drink. It comes in a bottle, and you pour it into a glass, and then you drink it. Sometimes people say, 'Stop! That's...

PITTSBURGH, PA — Social justice warriors scored another victory today, as retail chain American Eagle issued a public apology and replaced Sydney Sweeney in its ad campaign with a fat, transgender double amputee of color. The new campaign featuring Sweeney had caused controversy after American Eagle was accused of choosing an attractive young Caucasian woman to sell their clothing, which is a well-known Nazi dog whistle. The company aimed to quickly rectify this by replacing Sweeney with the most intersectionally diverse fashion model of all time. "We're really sorry for giving people someone pleasant to look at," said American...

Clothing retailer American Eagle's new advertising campaign hit an unexpected obstacle today, as a federal judge ordered actress and new brand spokeswoman Sydney Sweeney to gain 100 pounds and get an ugly butch haircut. Judge Eileen Bauer, an Obama appointee to a D.C.-area district court, issued an emergency ruling that Sweeney's attractiveness violated the law and demanded that she pack on weight to become as visually unappealing to consumers as possible. "This type of brazen attractiveness cannot be allowed to stand," Bauer said in her ruling. "It is the responsibility of the court to hold corporations to a specific legal...