Free Republic

CINCINNATI, OH — Friday's violent mob-style attack took social media by storm over the weekend, forcing Chief of Police Teresa Theetge to call a press conference in which she asked citizens not to film violent crimes because it makes her look bad. According to the chief's office, Theetge is particularly upset because the abundance of video footage posted to social media makes Cincinnati look like a lawless city. A fact, she says, is supposed to be a secret. "That is unacceptable to film a crime in my city," she said. "It was horrendous, yes, but it also makes me look...

SAN DIEGO, CA — Authorities have launched an ambitious operation to drop a massive dome over the San Diego Convention Center to keep the Comic-Con smell contained. With the stench already overpowering neighboring communities, local officials requested help from the federal government to combat the unbearable odor. "We've never smelled anything like this," said San Diego police chief Don Whitting. "It's a warzone out there, and frankly, we're losing the fight. Our goal at this point is containment. That dome is our only hope of making it out of this thing alive. We've already lost a lot of good men...

https://babylonbee.com/news/scandal-wsj-reports-trumps-name-appears-in-their-article-about-the-epstein-filesNEW YORK, NY — In what many were calling the greatest political scandal in American history, the Wall Street Journal confirmed that Donald Trump's name does, in fact, appear in the article about the Epstein File that was recently written by the Wall Street Journal. "This is damning, earth-shattering stuff," said WSJ journalist Cliff Buttly, who wrote the article. "As I scanned the article I recently wrote about Epstein, I found Trump's name appeared in there 23 times. I'm not sure how Trump can manage to walk away from this bombshell unscathed." At this time, sources were unclear on the...

Brynnleigh's latest mission, should she choose to accept it, is to travel back to 1933 in Germany to erase a certain stain on humanity. Will she succeed in her mission, or will she discover unexpected alliances?

HEAVEN — What began as a regular day in Heaven was quickly turned upside-down, as legendary sports entertainment icon Hulk Hogan made a surprise entrance to challenge Jacob to a wrestling match. Jacob, long regarded as the most experienced and intimidating wrestler in the Bible, was reportedly standing in the heavenly ring and speaking to a large crowd of his fans when Hogan's "Real American" theme music blared over the speakers, heralding the arrival of the Hulkster. "Oh my! What's this? Can it be? It is! It's Hulk Hogan!" an angelic commentator said as Hogan walked to the ring. "What's...

GREENVILLE, DE — Former President Joe Biden expressed great interest and enthusiasm in his upcoming memoir, adding that he's quite eager to see what the autopen comes up with for it. "That autopen and I go way back, fat," Biden said. "It's always coming up with something creative. I'm on the edge of my seat with... with... on the... I'm... it'll be something." Biden's auto-penned memoir was reportedly sold to Hachette Book Group, a New York-based publisher, for $10 million. A sizable sum, but less than Obama earned for his twenty memoirs, presumably because Obama actually wrote it himself. "To...

NEW YORK, NY — Mere days after CBS announced that it would be discontinuing The Late Show, a disheveled Stephen Colbert was seen on a Manhattan street corner holding up a cardboard sign that read "Will yell about Trump for cash." Witnesses reported seeing the soon-to-be-former late-night talk show host sporting a rumpled suit and unkempt hair as he waved his makeshift placard at anyone who passed by and shouted at them that he would be more than happy to go on angry tirades about the president in return for money or food. "I can rant about Trump as much...

https://babylonbee.com/news/hunter-biden-warns-that-without-illegal-immigrants-the-price-of-crack-will-skyrocketWILMINGTON, DE — As part of a wide-ranging sit-down interview released on YouTube, Hunter Biden warned Americans that, without illegal immigrants, the price of crack cocaine and prostitutes would skyrocket. In an urgent plea to the American people, Biden told the public that President Donald Trump's hardline immigration policies threatened not only to affect various industries across the country but also drive the cost of hard drugs and sex slaves through the roof. "These essential products will become totally unaffordable to the average American," Biden said. "I think the people of this country need to realize what's at stake here....

The red-and-white souped-up Schwinn bicycle made famous in the 1985 film “Pee-wee’s Big Adventure” will soon have a new permanent home in what is arguably one of the most unusual movie tie-ins in the history of celluloid. The bike — which served as the MacGuffin in the Tim Burton-directed cult favorite — will be permanently displayed in the Alamo Visitor Center and Museum in San Antonio to mark the 40th anniversary of the movie’s theatrical release.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blow to hopes from conservatives that the former president would face severe consequences for allegedly overseeing an attempt to deligitimize the Trump presidency, Barack Obama argued that he can't be charged with treason since he wasn't born in America and isn't a legitimate American citizen. Republicans acknowledged that they could be left without any legal recourse after President Obama absolved himself of any potential treason charge by reminding everyone that he couldn't face any consequences since he was never a citizen to begin with. "I can't commit treason against America if I was never an...

After announcing the cancellation of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, CBS is hard at work searching for a better program to replace their old flagship. Here are ten great ideas that would be way better than The Late Show:Larry The Dying Leper: This show is just watching a man slowly die of leprosy. Way funnier!Kidney Stone Watch: 90 straight minutes of a dude trying to pass a kidney stone.That old "KaBoom" infomercial with Billy Mays on loop: Such a classic.Cemetery Cam: Nothing but a livestream from a camera at a cemetery. Big upgrade, CBS.The Ingrown Toenail Experience: Way less...

Democrat lawmakers decried it as the “Big, Ugly Bill,” but some members of the minority party are beginning to praise — and even take credit — for various provisions within President Donald Trump’s One Big Beautiful Bill Act. Communities across the country stand to gain billions of dollars in federal funding from the president’s sweeping tax relief and immigration law that Trump signed on July 4. Several congressional Democrats are beginning to claim responsibility for provisions they deem beneficial to their constituents despite fiercely opposing the bill during its passage. ... Though House Democratic Leader Hakeem Jeffries has argued that...

SACRAMENTO, CA — As the federal government takes steps to attempt to solve a myriad of problems facing the Golden State, a furious Governor Gavin Newsom told reporters he won't stand silently by while Trump fixes California. While the Trump administration continued to conduct deportation operations throughout California cities, and the Department of Education proposed a plan to prevent males from competing in K-12 girls' sports, Newsom pledged to do everything in his power to prevent Trump from solving any of California's severe issues. "As long as I'm breathing, California will remain on the brink of destruction," an angry Newsom...

NEW YORK CITY — In a stunning example of rampant fascism, a TV network cancelled a show that wasn't making any money and had terrible ratings. "The Colbert Show spoke truth to power and its cancelation is a chilling example of the fascism that's growing every day here in the U.S.A.," online culture blogger Danielle Swanson wrote this week. "With Colbert off the air, there will not be one single late-night host left who will criticize Trump. Fascism has won." CBS announced this week it was cancelling The Late Show starring Steven Colbert, stating it was purely a business decision...

U.S. — A terrifying study has confirmed what some already feared: there are people still getting vaccinated for COVID. The startling report, released by the CDC, revealed that there were thousands of sentient human beings who were actually opting to receive a COVID booster in the year 2025. "I had no idea it was this bad," said one concerned citizen to reporters."Are people really that dumb? What's going on here? I wonder if the COVID vax has fried their brains. That must be it." There are still COVID boosters being offered by drug companies designed to protect against Alpha (B.1.1.7),...

U.S. — The news media which remained unconcerned for four years by the lack of circulation to former President Biden's brain have expressed deep concern over the circulation in President Trump's ankles. Journalists, who were unable to identify any symptoms of cognitive decline in a man who could not speak and shook hands with ghosts, have sounded the alarm over the mild swelling in Trump's ankles. "This is no deep fake, America. This is real," said ABC journalist Mario Arrato. "The administration says Trump is okay, but as journalists, we do not simply take their word that the President is...

LONDON — In a protest to make the nation's democratic process more inclusive, Muslims in the United Kingdom marched to demand that the voting age be lowered to 13 so their wives would be able to vote. Following intense debate on the wisdom and necessity of lowering the voting age in the UK, lawmakers agreed that there could be a case to be made for making it legal for the child brides of the country's millions of Muslim residents to vote in elections. "Every wife in the UK should have the right to vote, even when they are children," said...

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Brynnleigh's latest mission, should she choose to accept it, is to travel back to 1933 in Germany to erase a certain stain on humanity. Will she succeed in her mission, or will she discover unexpected alliances?

LONDON — In a protest to make the nation's democratic process more inclusive, Muslims in the United Kingdom marched to demand that the voting age be lowered to 13 so their wives would be able to vote. Following intense debate on the wisdom and necessity of lowering the voting age in the UK, lawmakers agreed that there could be a case to be made for making it legal for the child brides of the country's millions of Muslim residents to vote in elections. "Every wife in the UK should have the right to vote, even when they are children," said...