Free Republic

Going to church for the first time can be intimidating. It's like meeting a bunch of weirdos who have their own secret code. Well, it's not like that. It's exactly that. Luckily, your friends at The Babylon Bee sent missionaries to local churches to investigate a bunch of their slang words and phrases so we could connect with Christians and learn their ways and customs. We really just want to do life together with them and love on them. Oh no! They're rubbing off on us! Anyway, here's what we've learned so far: -Bless her heart: May she burn in...

Solemn Dedication of Biden Catholic High SchoolApril 15, 2021Anywhere, USA — President Harris will speak at the dedication of Joseph R. Biden Catholic High School on May 1, according to a statement by the Catholic Archdiocese of Anywhere and the high school’s board of trustees.“We are deeply honored that the president will speak at this ceremony as her first public appearance after the thirty days of national mourning following the untimely passing of our beloved Catholic leader, President Biden,” the statement said.Biden Catholic is the new name of the institution formerly known as St. Peter Damian High School. On February...

U.S.—A concerning new study has revealed that kids raised in church youth groups are leaving the Christian faith at alarming rates, regardless of how much free Mountain Dew and pizza the church ministry feeds them in high school. "I don't know what else to do," said local youth pastor Kaylen Zedwink, known affectionately as "Z-man" by his youth group. "I've consumed nothing but pizza and Mountain Dew for the last 12 years. My cholesterol is approaching lethal levels now. My body is covered in welts from being constantly shot with paintballs. I spend $1200 per month on cool clothes. I...

Recently we shared a report from Popular Mechanics, that the Earth has been pulsating every 26 seconds for the past 60 years, and it has left scientists unable to give an explanation and some speculated that it could be a harmonic phenomenon, a regular seismic chirp caused by the sunÂ’s energy, or a beacon drawing scientists to its source to begin a treasure hunt according to the report. However, now a group of Bible Scholars has come forward with an interesting claim. They claim the 26-second duration of the microseismic pulse is explained by the gematria (Hebrew numerology) of GodÂ’s...

JERUSALEM—Authorities are investigating after witnesses accused a local religious nut named Simon Peter and several others of hosting an unauthorized super spreader event in an enclosed room in Jerusalem. Experts say the event, which was not authorized by the local Jewish or Roman authorities, may put everyone in the area at risk for infectious diseases such as leprosy. "This is completely inexcusable," said local magistrate Biggus Tookus. "We have found that there were at least 11 people at this event. No one's address was recorded at the door and we don't know where they are now." One medical expert named...

Your thoughts on forgiving Donald Trump Oct 23, 2020 by NCR Staff Opinion This article appears in the Your thoughts feature series. View the full series. In the latest Soul Seeing column, Mike Leach talks about how he need to forgive President Donald Trump, even though it's hard to do so. "How do I forgive someone I don't even know but who drives me nuts every time I see him boast and lie and cheat?" he writes. Following are letters to the editor responding to the column. The letters have been edited for length and clarity. You can join the...

It happens to all of us! You're visiting the local mall to pick up some cologne and a pair of GAP jeans when suddenly you bump into a church greeter who is offering you a bulletin and inviting you to his weekly small group. Oh no! This isn't Baycreek Mall! You're in Daycreek Church! To help you avoid this awkward situation in the future, here are some helpful tips for telling the difference between a shopping mall and a megachurch. The coffee: If the coffee shop says "Starbucks," you're in a mall. If the sign says "He-Brews Coffee Shop" you're...

88 reasons why Rosh-hash-ana 1988 must be the time of the church's rapture Reasons 4 and 5 The 69th week of Daniel ended 6 April 30 AD.... the 70ths starts with the day of Atonement 1988 when Antichrist signs the seven-year peace with Israel on 21 Sep 1988, and the 70th week of Daniel ends 7 Jewish years later on the Day of Atonement 1995 at the battle of Armageddon, 5 Oct 1995, thus lasting seven Jewish years.Lunar dates... verify beyond any reasonable doubt that from the DAy of Atonement 1988 through the Day of Atonement 1995 is the 70th...

A woman who says she became an evangelical pastor because of her “love for performing” is now a hit on OnlyFans as a stripper—and fulfilling her childhood dream, she told the New York Post. Nikole Mitchell, who grew up Baptist, told the Post she had “always fantasized about being a stripper” and has also come out as bisexual. “But I was indoctrinated to believe my desires and my body were innately sinful and bad,” the 36-year-old said. Her upbringing was fiercely conservative and taught her that women can’t be leaders and that their place is in the kitchen. “So...

HOUSTON, TX—Joel Osteen invited Hunter Biden to speak at Lakewood Church this weekend and share the secrets to his abundant life. The wealthy son of the Democratic presidential candidate will speak to a packed audience about the blessings he has named and claimed over the years. "My dear friend Hunter has been quite the inspiration to me," said Osteen. "In the years I have watched him, he's never been afraid to reach out and claim God's blessings for his life. He teaches us all how to look at our dreams boldly and say, 'That's mine!'" Biden spoke to a crowd...

U.S.—Scholars working at top divinity schools across the country now believe that Esau traded his birthright for a spicy chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-A, not a bowl of soup or lentils as originally thought. "It never really made sense to us that he traded his birthright for lentils," said one expert working at Southern Seminary. "Who likes lentils? Lentils are gross. But do you know what would have made sense? If he came back from hunting and smelled that delicious, patented Chick-fil-A scent." "Man, it's about lunchtime," he added. "I'd give my birthright for a 12-count nugget right about now."

BOSTON, MA—The Unitarian Universalist Association revealed its new logo to much buzz and fanfare Friday morning. Replacing its previous logo consisting of a flaming chalice, the new logo is a shrugging emoji man, said to represent the religious group’s lack of certain belief in any doctrine or creed at all. “We wanted our new logo to send a strong message about what we believe,” UUA President Reverend Peter Morales told reporters gathered in front of a large banner with the new logo, unfurled just moment before. “And we have no idea what we believe, really. So the shrugging man is...

[Barf Alert] Pope: Compassion for earth is vaccine against epidemic of indifference ROME — Contemplation and compassion are the necessary components of an integral ecology that ensures both the care of the environment and the common good, Pope Francis said.“Compassion is the opposite of indifference,” Pope Francis said Sept. 12, during an audience with members of the “Laudato Si'” Communities. “Our compassion is the best vaccine against the epidemic of indifference.”The “Laudato Si'” Communities in Italy were founded by Bishop Domenico Pompili of Rieti, Italy, and Carlo Petrini, founder of the Slow Food Movement, a grassroots organization that promotes the...

I wrote the story below to poke fun at Atheists whose gods are Their Own Selves, Empiricism, Rationalism, Secularism, Logic, Science, and what THEY claim is Rational Argumentation. Its a dumb story but it does make a serious point. So relax, read my short crazy story, and have a little harmless fun. _____________ ` A Very Short Story About John And Bob and Tom. by JAG 5000 There are two atheists that are having an argument over contradictory propositions. John Atheist and Bob Atheist. They are having a private debate in their own thread. They are now on page 40...

PITTSBURGH, PA—A rowdy gang of angry, riled-up Arminian believers gathered to pull down a statue of Reformer John Calvin standing in front of Calvin Reformed Bible College & Seminary, authorities confirmed Friday. The band of Wesleyan troublemakers brought a rope, lassoed it around the neck of the stone likeness of Calvin, and yanked it down while yelling rallying cries like “Down with limited atonement!” “You’ll never take our free will!” and “For Servetus!” Mob members then stomped on the statue and spray-painted crude Arminian slogans on the downed Reformer, according to police reports. “We encourage all citizens to stay indoors...

If you're going about the business of living as usual Saturday, either you were not chosen to be lifted to heaven or the 'rapture' did not occur as predicted by a former NASA engineer. In 'The Final Shout: Rapture Report 1989,' retired NASA engineer Edgar Whisenant used clues from the Bible in claiming that 40 million born-again Christians will be lifted to heaven Friday. The pamphlet has been a big seller at three area Christian bookstores, even though Whisenant was proven wrong last year when his first pamphlet predicted a rapture date in September 1988. In his current book, Whisenant...

U.S.—Some churches across the nation have begun reopening, but pastors are running into a problem as many parishioners are forgetting to put on pants. Having grown accustomed to attending church on their couch in their underwear, Christians are having trouble adjusting to the old way of doing church, where you have to put on clothes. "We'd just gotten used to rolling out of bed, plopping down on the couch, and turning on the service 10 minutes late," said churchgoer Peter Wiley. "Now, they expect me to adjust back to wearing clothes and brushing my teeth and stuff? No way." "Remember,...

Rather embarrassing request. Maybe 7 years ago, I came across an interesting essay on "the existence of God or the Devil." DISCLAIMER: NO IT WAS NOT C.S. LEWIS OR CHESTERTON OR WILLIAM LANE CRAIG. THANK YOU! It was maybe 6 or 8 pages long, and was fairly learned and erudite, but written in a Screwtape-style fashion ; it was a way of "backing up into" the existence of God, starting with the existence of Evil ; and from there, not arguing against God, but FOR the existence of the Devil (from thence, of course, God Follows, since the Devil rebelled...

Scamvangelist: In a typical display of unbridled greed, sleazy televangelist Kenneth Copeland warns followers that even if they lose their job because of the coronavirus pandemic they must keep giving him money because Jesus.Copeland, appearing on his Victory Live TV show, declared: Fear of this coronavirus is faith in its ability to hurt you or kill you. The fear of ‘What are we gonna do? I’m getting laid off at work!’Hey! Your job’s not your source. If it is, you’re in trouble. Jesus is your source! Whatever you do right now, don’t you stop tithing! Don’t you stop sowing offerings.‘Well,...

NEW YORK, NY—Most churches have been severely impacted by recent bans on large gatherings, but not the Episcopal Church. Local parishes across the country reported no change in attendance once the ban went into effect. A report indicated that the Episcopal Church has not been affected by the ban on many people gathering in one place at all, with most churches staying at exactly the same attendance number as before the pandemic. "Business as usual for us," said Reverend Macy Bryers of St. Mark's Episcopal Church in Ryder Falls, Iowa. "We didn't even know there was a lockdown, to be...