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Episcopal Church Reports No Change In Attendance In Recent Weeks (Satirish)
Babylon Bee ^ | 4/7/2020

Posted on 04/07/2020 5:43:59 PM PDT by Gamecock

NEW YORK, NY—Most churches have been severely impacted by recent bans on large gatherings, but not the Episcopal Church. Local parishes across the country reported no change in attendance once the ban went into effect.

A report indicated that the Episcopal Church has not been affected by the ban on many people gathering in one place at all, with most churches staying at exactly the same attendance number as before the pandemic.

"Business as usual for us," said Reverend Macy Bryers of St. Mark's Episcopal Church in Ryder Falls, Iowa. "We didn't even know there was a lockdown, to be frank. I was just bringing the message of love and tolerance and Jesus being a good teacher and stuff to the empty pews just like normal. I just tell everyone they don't really need Jesus or the Bible or God -- they just need a positive, can-do attitude and some good, old-fashioned self-esteem."

"By the way, do you have any idea why people don't come to church anymore? It's a total mystery to me."

Some Episcopalians even reported a slight uptick in attendance as they brought in one or two tech people to run a live stream. Their live streams, however, still got zero views.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS:

1 posted on 04/07/2020 5:43:59 PM PDT by Gamecock
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To: Gamecock

Now that’s just mean...


2 posted on 04/07/2020 5:48:36 PM PDT by HangnJudge (China Lied, People died, Never Forget, this Decade's 9-11)
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To: Gamecock

Hilarious BB does it again


3 posted on 04/07/2020 5:48:36 PM PDT by gibsonguy
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To: Gamecock

LOL!


4 posted on 04/07/2020 5:50:37 PM PDT by Jane Long (Praise God, from whom ALL blessings flow.)
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To: Gamecock

Wherever four Episcopalians are gathered, there’s a fifth.


5 posted on 04/07/2020 5:52:59 PM PDT by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (Posting from deep within enemy territory - San Jose, CA)
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To: Gamecock

Hard to fall from zero


6 posted on 04/07/2020 6:24:24 PM PDT by Nifster (I see puppy dogs in the clouds)
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To: Gamecock

“Local parishes across the country reported no change in attendance once the ban went into effect.”

7 to 10.


7 posted on 04/07/2020 6:45:13 PM PDT by Bonemaker (invictus maneo)
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To: Gamecock

PEWS Empty cause this cult has sold out to the freaks and immorals for donations,
Can’t take a moral stand and looooose them donations from them freaks.


8 posted on 04/07/2020 7:47:38 PM PDT by Joe Boucher ( Molon Labe' Baby, Molon Labe)
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To: Gamecock

There are thousands of Episcopalians who are completely unaware their churches have been closed for a month


9 posted on 04/09/2020 7:45:58 AM PDT by circlecity
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