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Humor (Religion)

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  • Youth Group Kids Leaving The Faith At Alarming Rates In Spite Of Unlimited Pizza And Mountain Dew

    11/20/2020 12:22:09 PM PST · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 26 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | November 17, 2020 | The Babylon Bee
    U.S.—A concerning new study has revealed that kids raised in church youth groups are leaving the Christian faith at alarming rates, regardless of how much free Mountain Dew and pizza the church ministry feeds them in high school. "I don't know what else to do," said local youth pastor Kaylen Zedwink, known affectionately as "Z-man" by his youth group. "I've consumed nothing but pizza and Mountain Dew for the last 12 years. My cholesterol is approaching lethal levels now. My body is covered in welts from being constantly shot with paintballs. I spend $1200 per month on cool clothes. I...
  • Rabbis claim Earth is pulsating at rate that coincides with the name of God

    11/10/2020 10:31:38 AM PST · by Red Badger · 33 replies ^ | Nov 10, 2020 | Ricky Scaparo
    Recently we shared a report from Popular Mechanics, that the Earth has been pulsating every 26 seconds for the past 60 years, and it has left scientists unable to give an explanation and some speculated that it could be a harmonic phenomenon, a regular seismic chirp caused by the sunÂ’s energy, or a beacon drawing scientists to its source to begin a treasure hunt according to the report. However, now a group of Bible Scholars has come forward with an interesting claim. They claim the 26-second duration of the microseismic pulse is explained by the gematria (Hebrew numerology) of GodÂ’s...
  • Apostle Peter Accused Of Holding Super Spreader Event On Day Of Pentecost (10/29/33 A.D.)

    11/01/2020 5:50:31 PM PST · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 11 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | October 29, 33 A.D. | The Babylone Bee
    JERUSALEM—Authorities are investigating after witnesses accused a local religious nut named Simon Peter and several others of hosting an unauthorized super spreader event in an enclosed room in Jerusalem. Experts say the event, which was not authorized by the local Jewish or Roman authorities, may put everyone in the area at risk for infectious diseases such as leprosy. "This is completely inexcusable," said local magistrate Biggus Tookus. "We have found that there were at least 11 people at this event. No one's address was recorded at the door and we don't know where they are now." One medical expert named...
  • Your thoughts on forgiving Donald Trump

    10/24/2020 10:27:39 PM PDT · by robowombat · 72 replies
    National Catholic Reporter ^ | OCT 23, 2020 3:00 PM | Reporter Staff
    Your thoughts on forgiving Donald Trump Oct 23, 2020 by NCR Staff Opinion This article appears in the Your thoughts feature series. View the full series. In the latest Soul Seeing column, Mike Leach talks about how he need to forgive President Donald Trump, even though it's hard to do so. "How do I forgive someone I don't even know but who drives me nuts every time I see him boast and lie and cheat?" he writes. Following are letters to the editor responding to the column. The letters have been edited for length and clarity. You can join the...
  • 10 Easy Ways To Tell If You're At A Shopping Mall Or A Church

    10/05/2020 5:23:05 AM PDT · by Gamecock · 30 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 9/8/2020
    It happens to all of us! You're visiting the local mall to pick up some cologne and a pair of GAP jeans when suddenly you bump into a church greeter who is offering you a bulletin and inviting you to his weekly small group. Oh no! This isn't Baycreek Mall! You're in Daycreek Church! To help you avoid this awkward situation in the future, here are some helpful tips for telling the difference between a shopping mall and a megachurch. The coffee: If the coffee shop says "Starbucks," you're in a mall. If the sign says "He-Brews Coffee Shop" you're...
  • 88 REASONS Why The Rapture Will Be In 1988 {End Times}

    10/03/2020 1:24:47 AM PDT · by Cronos · 153 replies ^ | 1988 | Edgar C Whisenat
    88 reasons why Rosh-hash-ana 1988 must be the time of the church's rapture Reasons 4 and 5 The 69th week of Daniel ended 6 April 30 AD.... the 70ths starts with the day of Atonement 1988 when Antichrist signs the seven-year peace with Israel on 21 Sep 1988, and the 70th week of Daniel ends 7 Jewish years later on the Day of Atonement 1995 at the battle of Armageddon, 5 Oct 1995, thus lasting seven Jewish years.Lunar dates... verify beyond any reasonable doubt that from the DAy of Atonement 1988 through the Day of Atonement 1995 is the 70th...
  • Evangelical pastor quits the church, comes out—and joins OnlyFans {Wacky}

    09/28/2020 5:27:50 AM PDT · by Cronos · 62 replies
    Daily Dot ^ | 25 September 2020 | Samira Sadeque
    A woman who says she became an evangelical pastor because of her “love for performing” is now a hit on OnlyFans as a stripper—and fulfilling her childhood dream, she told the New York Post. Nikole Mitchell, who grew up Baptist, told the Post she had “always fantasized about being a stripper” and has also come out as bisexual. “But I was indoctrinated to believe my desires and my body were innately sinful and bad,” the 36-year-old said. Her upbringing was fiercely conservative and taught her that women can’t be leaders and that their place is in the kitchen. “So...
  • Joel Osteen Invites Hunter Biden To Give Sermon On Living Your Best Life Now (Satire)

    09/25/2020 12:08:49 PM PDT · by Gamecock · 7 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 9/25/2020
    HOUSTON, TX—Joel Osteen invited Hunter Biden to speak at Lakewood Church this weekend and share the secrets to his abundant life. The wealthy son of the Democratic presidential candidate will speak to a packed audience about the blessings he has named and claimed over the years. "My dear friend Hunter has been quite the inspiration to me," said Osteen. "In the years I have watched him, he's never been afraid to reach out and claim God's blessings for his life. He teaches us all how to look at our dreams boldly and say, 'That's mine!'" Biden spoke to a crowd...
  • New Evidence Suggests Esau Actually Sold Birthright For Spicy Chicken Sandwich From Chick-Fil-A

    09/21/2020 5:54:35 PM PDT · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 32 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | September 17, 2019 | The Babylon Bee
    U.S.—Scholars working at top divinity schools across the country now believe that Esau traded his birthright for a spicy chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-A, not a bowl of soup or lentils as originally thought. "It never really made sense to us that he traded his birthright for lentils," said one expert working at Southern Seminary. "Who likes lentils? Lentils are gross. But do you know what would have made sense? If he came back from hunting and smelled that delicious, patented Chick-fil-A scent." "Man, it's about lunchtime," he added. "I'd give my birthright for a 12-count nugget right about now."
  • Unitarian Universalist Church Changes Logo To ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    09/21/2020 2:02:09 PM PDT · by Gamecock · 17 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 9/15/2016
    BOSTON, MA—The Unitarian Universalist Association revealed its new logo to much buzz and fanfare Friday morning. Replacing its previous logo consisting of a flaming chalice, the new logo is a shrugging emoji man, said to represent the religious group’s lack of certain belief in any doctrine or creed at all. “We wanted our new logo to send a strong message about what we believe,” UUA President Reverend Peter Morales told reporters gathered in front of a large banner with the new logo, unfurled just moment before. “And we have no idea what we believe, really. So the shrugging man is...
  • [Barf Alert] Pope: Compassion for earth is vaccine against epidemic of indifference

    09/15/2020 12:06:43 PM PDT · by ebb tide · 12 replies
    Crux ^ | Swptember 14, 2020 | Junno Arocho Esteves
    [Barf Alert] Pope: Compassion for earth is vaccine against epidemic of indifference ROME — Contemplation and compassion are the necessary components of an integral ecology that ensures both the care of the environment and the common good, Pope Francis said.“Compassion is the opposite of indifference,” Pope Francis said Sept. 12, during an audience with members of the “Laudato Si'” Communities. “Our compassion is the best vaccine against the epidemic of indifference.”The “Laudato Si'” Communities in Italy were founded by Bishop Domenico Pompili of Rieti, Italy, and Carlo Petrini, founder of the Slow Food Movement, a grassroots organization that promotes the...
  • Two Atheists Were Arguing. So Who Won The Argument?

    06/25/2020 12:27:52 PM PDT · by JAG 5000 · 84 replies
    JAG 5000
    I wrote the story below to poke fun at Atheists whose gods are Their Own Selves, Empiricism, Rationalism, Secularism, Logic, Science, and what THEY claim is Rational Argumentation. Its a dumb story but it does make a serious point. So relax, read my short crazy story, and have a little harmless fun. _____________ ` A Very Short Story About John And Bob and Tom. by JAG 5000 There are two atheists that are having an argument over contradictory propositions. John Atheist and Bob Atheist. They are having a private debate in their own thread. They are now on page 40...
  • Angry Arminian Mob Pulls Down Statue Of John Calvin

    06/20/2020 3:03:53 PM PDT · by Gamecock · 45 replies
    PITTSBURGH, PA—A rowdy gang of angry, riled-up Arminian believers gathered to pull down a statue of Reformer John Calvin standing in front of Calvin Reformed Bible College & Seminary, authorities confirmed Friday. The band of Wesleyan troublemakers brought a rope, lassoed it around the neck of the stone likeness of Calvin, and yanked it down while yelling rallying cries like “Down with limited atonement!” “You’ll never take our free will!” and “For Servetus!” Mob members then stomped on the statue and spray-painted crude Arminian slogans on the downed Reformer, according to police reports. “We encourage all citizens to stay indoors...
  • Author predicts rapture -- again

    06/16/2020 3:10:39 AM PDT · by Cronos · 24 replies
    UPI ^ | 1 Sept 1989 | David Tortorano
    If you're going about the business of living as usual Saturday, either you were not chosen to be lifted to heaven or the 'rapture' did not occur as predicted by a former NASA engineer. In 'The Final Shout: Rapture Report 1989,' retired NASA engineer Edgar Whisenant used clues from the Bible in claiming that 40 million born-again Christians will be lifted to heaven Friday. The pamphlet has been a big seller at three area Christian bookstores, even though Whisenant was proven wrong last year when his first pamphlet predicted a rapture date in September 1988. In his current book, Whisenant...
  • As Nation Reopens, Churches Having To Remind People To Put On Pants

    04/29/2020 11:27:58 PM PDT · by Norski · 12 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | April 29, 2020 | staff
    U.S.—Some churches across the nation have begun reopening, but pastors are running into a problem as many parishioners are forgetting to put on pants. Having grown accustomed to attending church on their couch in their underwear, Christians are having trouble adjusting to the old way of doing church, where you have to put on clothes. "We'd just gotten used to rolling out of bed, plopping down on the couch, and turning on the service 10 minutes late," said churchgoer Peter Wiley. "Now, they expect me to adjust back to wearing clothes and brushing my teeth and stuff? No way." "Remember,...
  • (Vanity) Vague Request For Help Finding an Old Essay

    04/26/2020 2:17:10 PM PDT · by grey_whiskers · 15 replies
    Free Republic ^ | 4-26-2020 | Me
    Rather embarrassing request. Maybe 7 years ago, I came across an interesting essay on "the existence of God or the Devil." DISCLAIMER: NO IT WAS NOT C.S. LEWIS OR CHESTERTON OR WILLIAM LANE CRAIG. THANK YOU! It was maybe 6 or 8 pages long, and was fairly learned and erudite, but written in a Screwtape-style fashion ; it was a way of "backing up into" the existence of God, starting with the existence of Evil ; and from there, not arguing against God, but FOR the existence of the Devil (from thence, of course, God Follows, since the Devil rebelled...
  • Televangelist Copeland Commands Unemployed Followers To Keep Giving - If You Lost Your Job in the Pandemic, “Don’t You Stop Tithing

    04/21/2020 2:24:04 AM PDT · by Cronos · 36 replies
    Patheos ^ | 19 March 2020 | Michael Stone
    Scamvangelist: In a typical display of unbridled greed, sleazy televangelist Kenneth Copeland warns followers that even if they lose their job because of the coronavirus pandemic they must keep giving him money because Jesus.Copeland, appearing on his Victory Live TV show, declared: Fear of this coronavirus is faith in its ability to hurt you or kill you. The fear of ‘What are we gonna do? I’m getting laid off at work!’Hey! Your job’s not your source. If it is, you’re in trouble. Jesus is your source! Whatever you do right now, don’t you stop tithing! Don’t you stop sowing offerings.‘Well,...
  • Episcopal Church Reports No Change In Attendance In Recent Weeks (Satirish)

    04/07/2020 5:43:59 PM PDT · by Gamecock · 8 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 4/7/2020
    NEW YORK, NY—Most churches have been severely impacted by recent bans on large gatherings, but not the Episcopal Church. Local parishes across the country reported no change in attendance once the ban went into effect. A report indicated that the Episcopal Church has not been affected by the ban on many people gathering in one place at all, with most churches staying at exactly the same attendance number as before the pandemic. "Business as usual for us," said Reverend Macy Bryers of St. Mark's Episcopal Church in Ryder Falls, Iowa. "We didn't even know there was a lockdown, to be...
  • Catholic Bishops Forbid Making Sign Of The Cross: ‘You Could Poke Your Eye Out And Go Blind’ (Satire)

    04/06/2020 11:51:22 AM PDT · by ebb tide · 11 replies
    The Federalist ^ | April 6, 2020 | Elizabeth Kantor
    Catholic Bishops Forbid Making Sign Of The Cross: ‘You Could Poke Your Eye Out And Go Blind’ (Satire) The U.S. bishops announced on Friday that the sign of the cross would no longer be permitted. The precaution was instituted to protect Catholics who might accidentally stick their fingers in their eyes and blind themselves.The latest announcement was the most recent of a series of changes—beginning with the indefinite suspension of all public Masses and the abolition of meatless Fridays in Lent—designed to bring the Barque of Peter in line with the latest developments in Catholic theology. As Archbishop Wilton Gregory...
  • VeggieTales Reboot To Include Sanctimonious, Elitist Lemon Named Don

    01/30/2020 11:08:04 PM PST · by Norski · 20 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | January 30, 2020 | Bee Subscriber
    U.S.—VeggieTales is finally being rebooted without all the sacrilegious elements of the Netflix version, such as eyebrows and irises. One new character confirmed to appear in the show is a sanctimonious, elitest lemon named Don. A news anchor and cultured elite, Don the Lemon anchors a news show on Veggie News Network, popular in airports and hotel lobbies in the VeggieTales universe. Don the Lemon will lecture all the other vegetables on how they're not as cultured as he is on his show and laugh at them for being dumb, hick vegetables. "Have you ever seen the Grape family?" he...