Posted on 10/05/2020 5:23:05 AM PDT by Gamecock
It happens to all of us! You're visiting the local mall to pick up some cologne and a pair of GAP jeans when suddenly you bump into a church greeter who is offering you a bulletin and inviting you to his weekly small group. Oh no! This isn't Baycreek Mall! You're in Daycreek Church!
To help you avoid this awkward situation in the future, here are some helpful tips for telling the difference between a shopping mall and a megachurch.
The coffee: If the coffee shop says "Starbucks," you're in a mall. If the sign says "He-Brews Coffee Shop" you're in a church.
The parking lot: If there's close parking up front for mothers and vets, you're at the mall. If there's close parking up front for visitors, you're at a church.
The book store: Both locations will probably sell copies of the Bible and White Fragility, so you'll have to look more closely here. If the checkout line has chocolate Harry Potter wands instead of chocolate bars with Phillippians 4:13 written on them, you're in a mall.
Clothing: If you see a bunch of teens trying really hard to dress fashionably, you're at a mall. If you see a 40-something trying really hard to dress fashionably, you're at a megachurch, and that's the youth pastor.
Security riding Segways: Good luck with this one. We could think of no discernible difference between Church and Mall cops except that church cops are likely carrying a concealed weapon and are preparing to take you out if necessary.
Music: When you see live music just wait to see how many times the words repeat. After about 10x it’s safe to say you’re not in the mall anymore.
Public behavior: When you spot people reading Bibles out in public, chances are high that you’re at the mall and not a megachurch.
Childcare: If the establishment has a convenient building where you can drop your kids off and completely forget about them for several hours, it's definitely a church -- just the way Jesus intended things.
Entertainment: Malls will have telltale signs like old, worn-out coin-op rides. Lame! Any church worth its salt will have state-of-the-art attractions like petting zoos and roller coasters.
Food: If you are really looking forward to a warm gooey Cinnabon but the lady behind the counter hands you a stale doughnut cut in half, you're likely at a church.
Open or closed: This is hands-down the easiest way to tell: if the establishment is allowed to be open by the government, it's a shopping mall. If it's closed down because it's too dangerous, it's a church.
I went to an event in a large church (To see The Three Wise Men) near Redmond Washington, once. I commented to my wife that the 100 yard walk from the entrance to the sancuary was EXACTLY like a small covered mall, with shops on both sides. I wasn’t judging it. Just observing what was right in front of my eyes.
My uncle attends a megachruch in Arizona, and they have a small Starbucks inside of the church, so this one isn't a shoo-in.
Yeah, pretty good, I guess, but I have no experiences with megachurches.
Never been to a church with a roller coaster, either, but have been to a petting zoo fall festival attraction for a congregation of around a hundred.
OTOH, I have been to church in a mall (as a child).
It’s satire, meant to take you over the top.
Zegna suit .. Yep at $4,000 + you don’t want to wear it to a mall
or you maybe buck necked in just a few minutes.
Same in some ‘churches’...................
LOL.............
Because scripture, (if it's used at all) is shown on the Jumbo-tron, no need to have an actual Bible...
This makes me think of that one episode in King of the Hill. We have two big mega churches here in Orlando (or maybe more, actually.) and the pastor of one of them is my neighbor and a lovely gentleman. The pastor of the other used to be a member of the luxury healthclub where I used to life guard (before I got my teaching certifications).
The one at the healthclub became obsessed with me to the point where I almost needed to take a restraining order on him. Management at the gym, bless their hearts, instructed me to protect myself in any way I needed to if he approached me in the parking lot. On the pool deck, he was told to stay 30 feet away from me at all times or he’d be made to leave the gym.
He was a sick, weird man. I think he felt he was the one people worshipped.
“If you see a 40-something trying really hard to dress fashionably, you’re at a megachurch, and that’s the youth pastor.”
Lol. Is funny because is true!
My pastor claimed this verse showed God was against malls: Psalms 34:19 (KJV) Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.
One day I found this in Psalms 104:24 (NLT) O Lord, what a variety of things you have made! In wisdom you have made them all.
My wife likes the second, but I’m sticking with the pastor.
Or at a “Peaceful” protest.
If you can smell and see candles burning, you are in a church.
If you can smell candles but not see them at all, you are in a mall.
If you see someone dressed in a black robe, you are in a church.
If you see someone dressed in an orange robe, you are in an airport.
If you see no one dressed in a robe, you are in a mall.
If you see a person with a large long handled basket, you are in a church.
If you see a person with a small short handled basket, you are in the fish dept of pet store in a mall.
If you see everyone kneeling, you are in a church.
.
If you see only men in colorful uniforms kneeling, you are in a NFL football stadium next to a mall.
My “Yeah, pretty good, I guess” was to the satire comment included with the post. :-)
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