Free Republic

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of...

1 The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farm house to ask if he could be put up for the night. "Well, we're a mite crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room," replied the farmer. "But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red-haired schoolteacher." "Look," said the tourist, "I want you to know I'm a gentleman." "Well," mused the farmer, "as far as I can tell, so is the red-haired school teacher." ------ 2 If life gives you melons, perhaps you're dyslexic! ------...

I was standing at the bar at the Legion post one night minding my own business when this FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind, and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number? I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but When you're over seventy.............who cares? I went to the drug store and told the clerk ... "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that,...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is. JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest. SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick! BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they...

Irish Pride An Irishman moves to the USA & finally attends his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run". The next batter hits a single & the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN"!! The Irishman enjoyed the game & began screaming with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base. The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye lazy...

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring pizza.” -------------------- Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house. -------------------- It’s weird being the same age as old people. -------------------- When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected. -------------------- Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter. -------------------- Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby. -------------------- It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an...

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. * * * * * * * * * * * * To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it. * * * * * * * * * * * * Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight. * * * * * * * * * * * * It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. * * * * * * * * * * * * The...

Hi everybody! Emily Litella here. Say, I’m confused. I kept hearing all week that it was the 100th anniversary of ending all-male voting. But then I keep hearing Democrats demand that we have an all-male election in November. But there are no male boxes because Trump has locked them up in cages at the border. Are male boxes just individuals with a cervix? I’m sure Joe Biden can explain the whole thing. Or at least “the thing,” that . . . you know, the thing we all know. C’mon, male! (Or is it, “C’mon man!” What if I don’t identify...

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen...

Hat tip to Bill in Louisville for this CCPvirus humor. * I’m as bored as an Amish electrician. * Ontario has banned groups larger than 5. If you’re a family of 6, you’re all about to find out who’s the least favorite! * The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to return to a society where pants and bras are required! * Happy hour is starting earlier and earlier. If this keeps up, I’ll be pouring wine in my cereal! * Today’s Weather? Room temperature. * 30 Days Hath September, April, June and November All the rest...

Billy was having trouble in school. His teacher constantly yelled at him, "You're driving me crazy, Billy! Can't you learn anything?" Billy's mother met with his teacher at fall conferences. The teacher told her Billy was a disaster, getting the lowest marks of any of her students . She had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her teaching career. Billy's mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son, moving from Detroit to Cleveland. 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with severe cardiac disease and she needed a special heart surgeon . Her doctors advised open heart...

Kim Jong Un’s health appears could be more serious than initially believed, according to reports. Reports emerged earlier this week that Kim was gravely ill following heart surgery, although that has since been disputed. However, Japanese media now claims that Kim is in a vegetative state following a stent procedure. This news was reported from a Japanese news magazine, which lends more credibility to the possibility that he is really dead. Reuters reported a medical team was dispatched to North Korea to care for Kim. And yesterday, a senior executive of a Beijing-backed satellite tv station in China said Kim...