props to Sen Ted Cruz
Posted on 11/23/2020 3:32:05 AM PST by sodpoodle
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”
--------------------
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
--------------------
It’s weird being the same age as old people.
--------------------
When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.
--------------------
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
--------------------
Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
--------------------
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
--------------------
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
--------------------
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing!
--------------------
During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?
--------------------
I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are…
--------------------
If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?
--------------------
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
--------------------
We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?”
--------------------
So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
--------------------
If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
--------------------
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
--------------------
Coronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
--------------------
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
--------------------
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
--------------------
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
--------------------
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
--------------------
How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”
--------------------
You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
--------------------
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
-------------------
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story — In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, “Congrats.”
But, none of them comes up to the man- touch his penis and say, “Good Job”
Moral of the story — Hard work is rarely appreciated
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it’s far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble - they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
BONUS RULES:
Condoms do not Guarantee Safe Sex! A good friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I think all Politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors! Also, all Politicians should serve only 2 terms, 1 term in office & 1 term in prison.
Great post, sodpoodle. Thanks.
Justice IS NOT cruel and unusual punishment.
Like Clockwork Orangemanbadazz.
How many empires is Donald J. Trump fighting?
Greatest President Ever.
Ya never fail to make me smile, Sod... :^)
The LIE is the WEAPON used most often by the CRIMINAL.
How many times are you going to paste this into a reply?
Is there a limit, skidMark Zuckerberg?
To spamming? Not that I’ve seen. It doesn’t mean you’re not a dweeb for doing it though. 🤦♂️
props to Sen Ted Cruz
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.