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A dark sense of humor doesn't make you a bad person—just a smart oneA man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” the guy says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” Then the guy shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. “Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to...

China claims that corona virus came from an old bat, but Nancy Pelosi denies being involved. "Payday" candy bar is changing its name because it's offensive to those who don't work If the current power grid can't handle a night of 20 degrees temperatures without rolling blackouts, how are we going to plug-in 100 million electric cars at night? Are there any countries that tax their citizens and send some of it to Americans? Imagine, if you will, a world where every tweet and meme must be fact checked but not a ballot. How to stop drunk drivers from killing...

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of...

1 The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farm house to ask if he could be put up for the night. "Well, we're a mite crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room," replied the farmer. "But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red-haired schoolteacher." "Look," said the tourist, "I want you to know I'm a gentleman." "Well," mused the farmer, "as far as I can tell, so is the red-haired school teacher." ------ 2 If life gives you melons, perhaps you're dyslexic! ------...

I was standing at the bar at the Legion post one night minding my own business when this FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind, and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number? I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but When you're over seventy.............who cares? I went to the drug store and told the clerk ... "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that,...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is. JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest. SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick! BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they...

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring pizza.” -------------------- Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house. -------------------- It’s weird being the same age as old people. -------------------- When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected. -------------------- Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter. -------------------- Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby. -------------------- It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an...

Why do peanuts float in a regular coke and sink in a diet coke. Go ahead and try it..... I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going? (taxes) Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? What disease did cured...

I am over 80 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-yearolds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't...