Posted on 09/02/2021 9:30:31 AM PDT by upchuck
1 The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farm house to ask if he could be put up for the night.
"Well, we're a mite crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room," replied the farmer. "But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red-haired schoolteacher."
"Look," said the tourist, "I want you to know I'm a gentleman."
"Well," mused the farmer, "as far as I can tell, so is the red-haired school teacher."
------
2 If life gives you melons, perhaps you're dyslexic!
------
3 I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart while they've never even seen one of his paintings.
------
4 A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: HELP WANTED: Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A short time later a lovely golden retriever trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air. The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to in the least, to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the damned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow"
------
5 Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all of you want a drink?"
The first logician says, "I don't know."
The second logician says, "I don't know."
The third logician says, "Yes."
------
6 Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best lay in town!”
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wonders off and bellies up to bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just screwed your mom and it was sw-e-e-t!”.
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, “Your mom even let me -“.
Finally the guy interrupts. “Go home Dad, you’re drunk!”
------
7 You can’t run through a campground. You can only ran because it’s past tents.
I'm giving up past tense for lend.
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.
I may have a slight drinking problem. This morning my wife asked me to toast some bread for her so I raised my glass and said “here’s to toast”.
I told myself I should stop drinking but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who talks to himself.
Me: "Excuse me waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?" Waitress, after she slaps me across the face: "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
------
8 Apparently you can’t use ‘beefstew’ as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
Bread is a lot like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
I am so old that, when I was a kid, we actually had to win to get a trophy!
There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can. If you get this email, do not open it. It's spam.
We'll be friends "Til we're old and senile... Then we'll be new friends!"
------
9 A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
My goal in life is to be the good person my dog already thinks I am.
------
10 Interviewer: "What is this four year gap in your resume?"
Applicant: "That's when I went to Yale."
Interviewer: "That's impressive. You're hired."
Applicant: "Great! I really need this yob."
ROFL. Good ones.
LOL
For a good laugh today!
In my case it wasn’t an offer...yes, soap tastes that bad...
Thanks!
You’re welcome!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.