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Keyword: jokes

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  • Phyllis Dillerisms

    10/17/2021 4:45:04 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 29 replies
    email from friend | 10/17/2021 | Phyllis Diller
    Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? -Phyllis Diller Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. -Phyllis Diller The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. -Phyllis Diller Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. -Phyllis Diller A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. -Phyllis Diller...
  • The Official Friday Silliness Thread

    10/15/2021 11:14:14 AM PDT · by Trillian · 18 replies
  • Golf giggle

    10/15/2021 4:33:31 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 23 replies
    email from friend | 10/15/2021 | unknown
    A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his...
  • Old Age is Wonderful

    09/27/2021 4:44:21 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 12 replies
    email from friend | 9/27/2021 | unknown
    ROMANCE:Betty was lying in bed one night. Jim was falling asleep but Betty was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting..." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said:"Then you used to kiss me...." Mildly irritated, he reached across gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said:"Then you used to bite my neck...."Angrily, Jim threw back the bed clothes and got out of...
  • Break a Leg - or a Smile:)

    09/13/2021 2:18:10 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 4 replies
    email from friend | 9/13/2021 | unknown
    Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy." "No," said Pelosi , "that would...
  • Golfing Buddies

    09/09/2021 4:10:07 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 8 replies
    email from friend | 9/9/2021 | unknown
    John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. ‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't...
  • Jokes for Seniors

    09/05/2021 9:53:14 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 43 replies
    scary mommy ^ | 8/6/2021 | Karen Belz
    Best Jokes for Seniors Ah, the modern days… I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into his phone, to cross the street. Patient: “Doctor, you have to help me, I think I can see in the future.” Doctor: “When did it start?” Patient: “Next Friday.” Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name. What do you call bears with no ears? B–. I told my physical therapist I broke my arm in two places. He told...
  • Thursday Tickles

    09/02/2021 9:30:31 AM PDT · by upchuck · 8 replies
    Sep 2, 2021 | Various
    1 The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farm house to ask if he could be put up for the night. "Well, we're a mite crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room," replied the farmer. "But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red-haired schoolteacher." "Look," said the tourist, "I want you to know I'm a gentleman." "Well," mused the farmer, "as far as I can tell, so is the red-haired school teacher." ------ 2 If life gives you melons, perhaps you're dyslexic! ------...
  • Funnies

    08/26/2021 5:00:35 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 6 replies
    email from friend | 8/26/2021 | not listed
    SEX AT 85 I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 85. I'm so happy, because I live at number 83. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road! ~~~~~ Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the...
  • Some things to ponder as we grow older

    08/25/2021 4:09:27 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 23 replies
    email from friend | 8/25/2021 | unknown
    The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54 😳 The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57 😳 The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41 😳 The best soccer player in the world, Maradona, died at the age of 60 😔 And then... KFC inventor died at 94 😊 Investor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88 😊 Cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102 😜 The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake ☺ ️ Hennessy inventor dies at 98 😊 How...
  • When you're over seventy.......... who cares?

    08/22/2021 11:31:13 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 47 replies
    email from friend | 8/22/2021 | unknown
    I was standing at the bar at the Legion post one night minding my own business when this FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind, and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number? I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but When you're over seventy.............who cares? I went to the drug store and told the clerk ... "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that,...
  • Short Jokes!

    08/12/2021 8:57:55 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 36 replies
    Bestlifeonline ^ | 8/12/2021 | multiple
    1. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats. 2. What do you call a pony with a cough? A little horse! 3. What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1. 4. Why did the M&M go to school? He wanted to be a Smartie. 5. What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking at me, I'm changing! 6. What do you call bears with no ears? B. 7. What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper! 8. Why do French people eat snails? They don't like fast food! 9. What's red and moves up and down? A...
  • A few good Christian Chuckles

    08/09/2021 9:56:22 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 15 replies
    jokes ^ | 8/9/2021 | multiple
    Christian Jokes Creation An atheist scientist came to God and said, "We've figured out how to make a man without you." God said, "OK, let me see you do it." So the atheist bent down to the ground and scooped up a handful. But God stopped him and said, "Oh, no you don't. Get your own dirt!" I Don't Want To Go To Church! A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, "I'm not going!" "Why not?" asked his mother. "I'll give you two good reasons," he said....
  • The best jokes (2021-2030)

    07/28/2021 8:42:42 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 4 replies
    Jokes of rhe Day ^ | 07/28/2021 | not listed
    New Jersey Crazy Law It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season. You may not slurp your soup. If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates. It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer. On a highway you can not park under a bridge. Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday. You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only. Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street. It is...
  • Humpday Ha Has

    07/21/2021 9:11:37 AM PDT · by upchuck · 24 replies
    Various | Jul 21, 2021
    1. Some ponderables: Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned? What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it? If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C? Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V? Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty. The word "swims"...
  • Humor Break: Monty Python's "Milkman" sketch

    07/17/2021 7:36:06 PM PDT · by ex91B10 · 9 replies
    youtube ^ | Monty Python
    Just a 2 minute break for a good laugh.
  • A joke.

    07/10/2021 10:44:49 PM PDT · by Jonty30 · 42 replies
    A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks, “What’s in the bag?” The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches tall, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a Mozart piano concerto. “Where...
  • The Official Friday Silliness Thread

    06/25/2021 5:27:01 PM PDT · by Trillian · 23 replies
    Let's have some fun!
  • Tuesday Tickles

    06/08/2021 10:26:36 AM PDT · by upchuck · 22 replies
    June 8, 2021 | upchuck
    Some tickles for your Tuesday... 1. A missionary, in Africa, was out taking a walk in the jungle. Suddenly, he heard a noise from the brush in front of him. It was a lion. He started to back up and heard a noise from behind. Sure enough, it was another lion. He looked to his left and then to his right. You guessed it, lions were on both sides. It looked grim, so the missionary sat down where he was and started to read his Bible. Shortly after he started reading, the lions jumped the missionary and ate him. Moral...
  • For Senior FreePers

    04/05/2021 4:27:10 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 15 replies
    email from friend | 4/5/2021 | unknown
    A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention. H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of the socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L 'S for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in...