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SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story — In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, “Congrats.”

But, none of them comes up to the man- touch his penis and say, “Good Job”

Moral of the story — Hard work is rarely appreciated

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it’s far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole’s name.

3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble - they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULES:

Condoms do not Guarantee Safe Sex! A good friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

I think all Politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors! Also, all Politicians should serve only 2 terms, 1 term in office & 1 term in prison.