Posted on 10/06/2020 4:27:26 AM PDT by sodpoodle
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
* * * * * * * * * * * * To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
* * * * * * * * * * * * Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
* * * * * * * * * * * * It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
* * * * * * * * * * * * The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
* * * * * * * * * * * * When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
* * * * * * * * * * * * I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
* * * * * * * * * * * * I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
* * * * * * * * * * * * Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
* * * * * * * * * * * * If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
* * * * * * * * * * * * I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
* * * * * * * * * * * * I run like the winded.
* * * * * * * * * * * * I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
* * * * * * * * * * * * I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
* * * * * * * * * * * * When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
* * * * * * * * * * * * Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
* * * * * * * * * * * * Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
* * * * * * * * * * * * My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Or my favorite.... When our ship comes in, We will be at the airport!!
Thanks for the chuckles, sod!
I can relate to more and more of these every day.
Smile or smirk - what about Steal?
Thanks!
Funny!. I too had my patience tested...i failed.lol
“Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.”
Haha. I can relate to that one! And a number of the others.
Thanx
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
‘Nice bike,’ the cop said. ‘Did Santa bring it to you?’
‘Yes Sir,’ the little girl said, ‘he sure did!’
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, ‘Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!’
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, ‘Nice horse you’ve got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?’
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, ‘Yes, he sure did!’
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, ‘Next year tell Santa the d$ck goes underneath the horse, not on top!’
If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!
If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a conservative reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will post a reply to the Admins because he’s “offended” and “triggered.”
Great list!!
Lol’d at the last line :)
Glad you like it. Got this from another chat board and changed the last line to make it more ‘at home’ here on FR :)
I swear you don’t even know.
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