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SAN FRANCISCO, CA — The Trump Administration agenda was stopped in its tracks this week after a federal judge appointed himself the new President of the United States. "There's nothing we can do," said legal experts. "He's a federal judge." Sources confirmed that Judge Mortimer Dithers of the Northern District of California granted himself all the powers of the executive branch in an emergency move to stop Trump. "Last night, the Constitution appeared to me in a dream and told me to do this," said Judge Dithers. "You can't argue with that. Also, my word is on this is law...

WASHINGTON, DC — Layoffs at the Department of Education were delayed yesterday after administrators could not calculate how many employees fifty percent would be. "We got an order from the President to cut our employment numbers by fifty percent, but how in the world would you calculate that? Do you like, times something?" DOE employee Kaitlyn Miller told the press. "Maybe you divide, or even square root something. We really don't know how to proceed. I wish there were some sort of department of fractions." Employees spent the better part of the day attempting to count up the number of...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump's attempt to solve the long-running hostage situation between Israel and Hamas hit an obstacle today, as Hamas convinced a Biden-appointed federal judge to overturn Trump's order to release their hostages. On Monday, Trump issued a stern ultimatum to Hamas to release all remaining hostages by noon on Saturday or face dire consequences, but sources confirmed that Hamas leaders obtained a ruling from a judge appointed by the previous administration to effectively tie Trump's hands. "The President of the United States has no legal right to do anything, ever," said Judge Gregory Chandler. "The Constitution...

The Babylon Bee Presents: Our 100% Accurate Predictions For 2025

ATTENTION: American women have until noon on the 20th of January, in the Year of our Lord 2025, to find a man to get them pregnant or one will be selected for them. At precisely noon, Trump will be inaugurated as the 47th president of the United States. As his first act, he will sign an executive order requiring all women to produce children for the glory of the American theocracy. Any woman without a man will be assigned one through the Supervised Triage of Unique Dads (STUD). Women caught actively not getting pregnant will be sent to the Gestational...

NEW YORK, NY — In a move intended to capitalize on his popularity with the show's audience, NBC announced that UnitedHealthcare CEO killer Luigi Mangione would host next week's episode of Saturday Night Live. The show, which was originally scheduled to air a rerun this weekend due to the Christmas holiday, switched gears and swung a deal to secure Mangione as host after learning how beloved the accused murderer was by viewers. "We know what our audience wants," said SNL executive producer Lorne Michaels. "Once we heard the tremendous ovation Luigi received when he was mentioned on last week's show,...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With time running short, Congress has warned that failure to pass a massive spending bill could result in the U.S. surviving a bit longer. While millions of Americans including Elon Musk leveled heavy criticism at the bill, members of Congress sounded the alarm that the bill's failure could slow their efforts to wreck the nation. "Without this funding, it might take us much longer to completely destroy America," House Speaker Mike Johnson warned. "I cannot overstate how important it is for us to push this bill through if we want to make the type of progress we...

They have said: 'Come, and let us cut them off from being a nation; that the name of Israel may be no more in remembrance.' ו כִּי נוֹעֲצוּ לֵב יַחְדָּו; עָלֶיךָ, בְּרִית יִכְרֹתוּ. 6 For they have consulted together with one consent; against Thee do they make a covenant; ז אָהֳלֵי אֱדוֹם, וְיִשְׁמְעֵאלִים; מוֹאָב וְהַגְרִים. 7 The tents of Edom and the Ishmaelites; Moab, and the Hagrites; ח גְּבָל וְעַמּוֹן, וַעֲמָלֵק; פְּלֶשֶׁת, עִם-יֹשְׁבֵי צוֹר. 8 Gebal, and Ammon, and Amalek; Philistia with the inhabitants of Tyre; ט גַּם-אַשּׁוּר, נִלְוָה עִמָּם; הָיוּ זְרוֹעַ לִבְנֵי-לוֹט סֶלָה. 9 Assyria also is joined with...

... Everything in the words and actions of the synodal church is a lie. Because its purpose is to impose by authority, under the guise of a request from the grass roots, things that no faithful Catholic has ever asked for, because they contradict the teaching of Our Lord. This authority, which has been usurped for the opposite purpose to that for which Jesus Christ established it, is completely illegitimate, and it is now the duty of each and every successor of the apostles to denounce this synodal farce, the final phase of the conciliar revolution, with which the Bride...

The Babylonian map of the world is the oldest map of the world, in the world. Written and inscribed on clay in Mesopotamia around 2,900-years-ago, it is, like so many cuneiform tablets, incomplete. However, Irving Finkel and a particularly gifted student of his - Edith Horsley - managed to locate a missing piece of the map, slot it back into the cuneiform tablet, and from there set us all on journey through the somewhat mythical landscape of Mesopotamia to find the final resting place of the ark. And yes we mean that ark, as in Noah's ark. Although in the...

Researchers have finally decoded a Babylonian tablet thought to be the oldest map of the world. Created between 2,600 and 2,900 years ago, the Imago Mundi provided researchers with a unique glimpse into the beliefs and practices of the ancient civilization. The Babylonian tablet has a circular map with pieces of text written in cuneiform - an ancient writing system that used wedge-shaped symbols - which describes the early creation of the world.

[Catholic Caucus] Italy: Cardinal Finds an Alternative to LatinCardinal Ángel Fernández Artime, Rector Major of the Salesians until 16 August, presided yesterday at the Eucharist in the Basilica of Mary Help of Christians in Turin on the occasion of a youth synod.When he came to the Lord's Prayer, he invited everyone to pray in their own language.As a result, those present were given a vivid illustration of how the Latin Roman Rite had been replaced by a Novus Ordo Babylon.Regarding the Lord's Prayer, this chaos was exacerbated by Francis in June 2019, when he invented a falsified version of the...

U.S. — Despite a significant majority of the nation now believing President Biden mentally unfit for office, the Democratic Party has decided to stay with Biden as its nominee as it would be a huge pain to reprint the tens of thousands of ballots they already filled out. "On one hand, the nation now knows Biden is incapable of thinking and is a clear and present danger to himself and the country," said DNC chair Jaime Harrison. "On the other hand, it would be SUCH a pain to have to reprint all those ballots when we already filled them all...

SPOKANE, WA — The three teenagers who were arrested for riding scooters on a Pride flag painted on the road were kicking themselves for not simply lighting the American flag on fire and threatening violence instead. "I guess we picked the wrong flag," said one of the teens, whose name has been withheld for anonymity. "I had no idea the Pride flag was so much more sacred than the American flag." According to sources, the teenagers were surprised to learn they could deface statues, light smoke bombs outside the White House, hold up a bloody mask of the President, threaten...

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Streaming service Peacock announced the release this week of a documentary that proves eating your own offspring is completely fine for humans because a few other animal species do it. "We just want to show how normal and natural it is to consume your own progeny," Peacock Producer Anna Grazer told the press. "Something like seven animal species on earth murder and eat their own kids, so humans shouldn't feel ashamed if they have a preference towards the same." Peacock producers have hyped the documentary as being completely revolutionary for human understanding of what behaviors are acceptable....

U.S. — College Students protesting Israel announced an indefinite hunger strike on Monday, which they say will occur between the hours of 10 AM and 5 PM, with an hour for lunch at noon with only some light snacking permitted from time to time. "We mean business!" said Princeton University student Jezebel Bashar. "It will be hard to eat absolutely nothing for part of the day followed by an after-lunch period of a few hours of not eating again, but we are committed!" On the first day of the hunger strike, protestors appeared visibly weakened with many resorting to emergency...

Police Slowly Escort White Hearse Containing O.J. SimpsonLOS ANGELES, CA — Mourners and curious onlookers alike gathered along the 405 freeway in Southern California to bear witness as Los Angeles Police vehicles slowly escorted a white For Bronco hearse containing O.J. Simpson.The procession, which traveled at a low speed with law enforcement working to prohibit any other vehicles from getting on the freeway, allowed onlookers to have one final chance to see Simpson being followed by police officers."One last time, for old time's sake," said one witness who watched the white Bronco roll by followed by dozens of police cruisers....

U.S. — A new service "SquatBNB" has launched, aimed at helping potential squatters find the home of their dreams to take over. "Far too often, squatters take over a new home without knowing the quality of amenities provided, or difficulties dealing with the host," said SquatBNB CEO Don Carmichael. "Our service will allow squatters to read reviews from other squatters who have stayed at a property and see honest feedback about what each home has to offer. We have millions of homes on our site, ready for immediate squatting -- and the best part is, it's absolutely free!" According to...

U.S. — Leaders in the Lone Star State awoke this morning eager to learn how they would be able to address the border crisis as a federal court once again flipped a coin to see if Texas would be allowed to enforce laws today. The daily routine, consisting of finding out whether law enforcement officers would have the power to enforce laws depending on the whims of different federal judges, has swung wildly from one day to the next, leaving Texas officials wondering which side of the argument currently had the advantage. "Step right up for the daily coin flip...

U.S. — An attack by a cell belonging to a violent extremist group was averted last week, as terrorists decided against hijacking a plane after finding out it was made by Boeing. The hijacking, which was allegedly planned to be carried out over the weekend, was called off at the last minute after the group of terrorists behind the plot discovered the flight they were targeting was a Boeing 737, which meant everyone on board — including the terrorists — would be in serious danger. "We're not going anywhere near that deathtrap," said terrorist Abu Musab Alwani, who masterminded the...