Free Republic

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the fallout of Senator Mitch McConnell's fall and Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi's hospitalization in Luxembourg, the United States Congress passed a bipartisan bill requiring LifeAlert buttons to be installed at every congressional seat. According to representatives who proposed the bill, the new measure is a "helpful precaution" for the sake of the 80% of Congress who are nearing the age of 100. "It's been a long time coming," said Representative Marco Rubio. "We've been neglecting the elderly in this country for far too long — no more so than here in Congress. But this new measure ought...

If you've ever lived in a capitalist country, you'll know exactly how difficult it can sometimes be to keep your nose above the poverty line. We at the Babylon Bee have conducted extensive research and discovered 17 red flags of poverty that often show up in capitalist countries. Take a look. You can only afford the standard iPhone and not the Pro Max: How do people even live under these conditions? Your vacation cabin is single-story: And it doesn't even have wifi. You're forced to buy generic Dijon mustard instead of Grey Poupon: Now every time someone asks you...

U.S. — After the grotesque pink design of the new Jaguar was leaked to the public, the nation's gays have confirmed they are not really interested in the new car and will just stick with their very gay Mustang convertibles. "We appreciate Jaguar trying to market to us by being extremely flamboyantly gay, but we already have the gayest car known to man, and it will never be topped: the Ford Mustang," said Chandler Borgins of Los Angeles, California. "We'll just stick with these, thanks." Experts say the Mustang, which has long been a gay icon, has been purchased...

U.S. — Democrats continued their long-standing tradition of holding whites-only gatherings this week with the new "White Dudes for Harris" campaign. The Zoom call, featuring prominent politicians and celebrities, upheld the Democratic Party's proud heritage of gathering a large group of white men together to talk about black people just like the party did for decades with the Ku Klux Klan and other whites-only meetings. "We're Democrats. It's what we do," said angry white man David Hogg. "We'd be remiss if we didn't seek to carry on the age-old Democratic Party tradition of having meetings that were only for white...

U.S. — Former President Trump has suddenly skyrocketed to 100% in the polls after host Joy Behar warned that Trump would ban The View from television if elected. "Welp, that does it," said lifetime Democrat Dean Bochner after hearing the news. "I never imagined any scenario where I would punch a ballot for Donald Trump, but here we are." According to pollsters, Trump now holds a one hundred point lead in every single state since the news broke. "We now project Trump winning literally every single vote in Seattle and San Francisco," said pollster Mark Allen. "Despite millions of voters...

HOLLYWOOD, CA — At a press conference this week, Sony producers announced the production of a new modern adaptation of George Orwell's dystopic novel 1984 that will feature the character of Big Brother as the good guy. "We felt like it was time to update the story to fit a modern audience," Sony producer Glen Maxwell told reporters. "After seeing how censorship and totalitarianism have grown in popularity over the past few years, we think Big Brother is probably a better protagonist than Winston Smith. Big Brother's insistence on absolute compliance fits better with current progressive ideals." The film will...

Hamas is reeling after losing two of their most cherished leaders on the same day: military commander Saleh al-Arouri, and Harvard President Claudine Gay."This is a devastating loss for our organization and the world," said Hamas Leader Ismail Haniyeh while throwing a dart at a dartboard with a picture of a Jew on it. "Al-Arouri helped mastermind our glorious murder/rape party of October 7th, 2023. Claudine Gay presided over the preaching of our message Jew-hatred in America's Ivy League. This is an incalculable loss."Ismail Haniyeh then went back to his game of darts while sitting in a jacuzzi and having...

TAMPA, FL — Fresh off the case of George Bailey, Clarence the Angel embarked on a new mission over the weekend to show California Governor Gavin Newsom what the California could be like if he'd never been born. "I just picked him up and flew him over to Florida," Clarence explained. "Easiest job I've ever had." Earlier in the day, residents had observed Newsom wandering the streets of San Francisco, muttering to himself about the futility of life. "I was supposed to be President! I was supposed to be the guy!" cried out Newsom. "Instead, I've spent my days toiling...