Free Republic

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the fallout of Senator Mitch McConnell's fall and Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi's hospitalization in Luxembourg, the United States Congress passed a bipartisan bill requiring LifeAlert buttons to be installed at every congressional seat. According to representatives who proposed the bill, the new measure is a "helpful precaution" for the sake of the 80% of Congress who are nearing the age of 100. "It's been a long time coming," said Representative Marco Rubio. "We've been neglecting the elderly in this country for far too long — no more so than here in Congress. But this new measure ought...

If you've ever lived in a capitalist country, you'll know exactly how difficult it can sometimes be to keep your nose above the poverty line. We at the Babylon Bee have conducted extensive research and discovered 17 red flags of poverty that often show up in capitalist countries. Take a look. You can only afford the standard iPhone and not the Pro Max: How do people even live under these conditions? Your vacation cabin is single-story: And it doesn't even have wifi. You're forced to buy generic Dijon mustard instead of Grey Poupon: Now every time someone asks you...

NEW YORK, NY — A great moment in both television history and the advancement of women occurred today, as producers of ABC's long-tenured daytime talk show The View welcomed a sixth woman to the cast. The show's host panel has consisted of five women for the duration of the program's existence but producers reportedly decided to shake things up by adding Minnesota governor and current Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Walz as the show's unprecedented sixth female host. "We're excited to welcome him as the newest woman on our panel of hosts," said Executive Producer Brian Teta. "We've toyed...

DENVER, CO — A local 10-year-old is being taken to court for illegal discrimination after a gay couple claimed he refused to bake them a gay wedding cake. The couple says they still haven't recovered from the ugly hate incident. "This proves that the LGBTQ+ community still faces horrific discrimination in this country," said Chez Fetley, the man who was denied service by 10-year-old Florian Simpson. "I asked the boy to bake me a beautiful gay wedding cake with rainbows and dildos all over it, and he looked me right in the eye and said: 'I'm sorry mister, I only...

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Americans across the country breathed a sigh of relief this morning following breaking news that Vice President Kamala Harris had survived an attempted interview. The incident took place late yesterday afternoon during a campaign stop in Pennsylvania when a rogue reporter reportedly approached the vice president and fired off several questions before being tackled to the ground and subdued by Secret Service agents. Harris was quickly evacuated from the area and taken to a secure location. "Thankfully, Vice President Harris is safe and in stable condition," a campaign spokesperson said. "We all feared the worst when that...

U.S. — Following last night's debate in which David Muir and Linsey Davis employed an impressive strategy against former President Donald Trump, news broke that Democrats have decided to replace Kamala Harris on the ballot with the ABC moderators. Discussions began almost immediately after the debate to replace the Harris-Walz ticket with Muir-Davis based entirely on the moderators' ability to articulate Harris' positions and attack Trump better than she ever has. "They really got her strongest points across," said one top Democratic Party official. "We loved the way they fought back against any facts Trump was presenting. They've mastered the...

U.S. — Vice President Kamala Harris was seen by several witnesses this week ask aides if maybe she should try sleeping with the United States economy. "Would that help?" Harris reportedly asked, the question punctuated by nervous laughter. According to sources, it took her team several minutes to figure out what she was talking about since she first broached the subject with vague questions about the economy's idea of the perfect date and whether or not it was seeing anybody. American celebrity news site TMZ obtained the following recording from an anonymous White House source: Harris: So how would I...

U.S. — Democrats continued their long-standing tradition of holding whites-only gatherings this week with the new "White Dudes for Harris" campaign. The Zoom call, featuring prominent politicians and celebrities, upheld the Democratic Party's proud heritage of gathering a large group of white men together to talk about black people just like the party did for decades with the Ku Klux Klan and other whites-only meetings. "We're Democrats. It's what we do," said angry white man David Hogg. "We'd be remiss if we didn't seek to carry on the age-old Democratic Party tradition of having meetings that were only for white...

U.S. — Former President Trump has suddenly skyrocketed to 100% in the polls after host Joy Behar warned that Trump would ban The View from television if elected. "Welp, that does it," said lifetime Democrat Dean Bochner after hearing the news. "I never imagined any scenario where I would punch a ballot for Donald Trump, but here we are." According to pollsters, Trump now holds a one hundred point lead in every single state since the news broke. "We now project Trump winning literally every single vote in Seattle and San Francisco," said pollster Mark Allen. "Despite millions of voters...

COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY — History has again repeated itself as communism once again devolved into mass starvation. The commies at Columbia University lasted less than twelve hours before running out of food and pleading for humanitarian aid, setting a new record for the collapse of communist food supply. "Okay, time-out on the intifada revolution, we're out of pizza rolls," said Tara Gentry-Smith, protest organizer and self-proclaimed commie. "I'm going to go see if the people we just assaulted will send us some DoorDash. Ugh, why are we always running out of food?" Communist protestors had barricaded themselves in buildings over the...

U.S. — As struggling American citizens finished filing their taxes this week, many expressed hope that their small contributions will be instrumental in getting the national debt down to a much more manageable $34 trillion. "We know this national debt is a real problem, and we're just happy we can help out," said one couple who just spent the money they were saving for a car to pay an unexpectedly high tax bill for 2023. "We know the government is doing everything it can to use our money wisely and address the debt issue. That really makes the pain of...

With the nation still in shock over the latest in an ongoing string of violence resulting in Americans being killed by illegal immigrants, Democrats warned that migrants committing murder could result in more people referring to them by the wrong term. Following the murder of Georgia nursing student Laken Riley, leading Democrats expressed apprehension that such unconscionable acts may lead to an increased risk of people cruelly calling the perpetrators "illegal." "This is of grave concern to us," said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "With more and more Americans being murdered by migrants, there is a genuine threat of something...

NEW YORK, NY — Officials with the United Nations are condemning the Israeli attack on Rafah to rescue two hostages, warning that such attacks could lead to even more hostages being rescued. "These atrocious and inhumane rescue missions cannot be allowed to continue," said Palestinian Ambassador Riyad Mansour. "With every flagrant incursion into Gaza to rescue hostages, Israel violates our human right to kidnap, rape, torture, and imprison Jews, who I might add are being treated very well by our noble Hamas freedom fighters." Experts further warned that if Israel continues to rescue hostages, Gaza will lose all the leverage...

U.S. — According to sources, the nation still has a faint, distant memory of some obscure rule where the President couldn't just declare war whenever he wanted on anyone he wanted. "Yeah, I feel like that was a thing," said one local woman to reporters. "It was, like, in some sort of document they wrote that had rules in it. I'm pretty sure it said the President can't unilaterally dictate that the nation is going to war, right? What was that rule called?" "Ugh, I can't remember." Political experts point to Article I, Section 8, Clause 11 of the U.S....