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Keyword: joke

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  • Real Benefit of Social Distance Anticipated

    01/20/2021 6:35:15 AM PST · by AndyTheBear · 10 replies
    1/20/2021 | vanity
    Experts expect a real and tangible benefit to social distancing for young girls who find themselves visiting the white-house in the next four years.
  • Field of Flags goes up at National Mall - one for each of the 200,000 Americans who can't attend the inauguration

    01/18/2021 5:49:54 PM PST · by fruser1 · 112 replies
    UK Daily Mail ^ | 18 January 2021 | Valerie Edwards
    Thousands of US flags have been placed at the National Mall in honor of the nearly 200,000 Americans who were not able to be present for the inauguration of President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President-elect Kamala Harris. The display, which is called the 'Field of Flags,' is comprised of 191,500 US flags and 56 pillars of light. Images taken on Monday showed the flags carefully placed in rows near the US Capitol. The flags are representative of the Americans who cannot travel to Washington, DC, to attend the inauguration in person due to the coronavirus pandemic.
  • # Pilots and Christmas

    12/20/2020 9:29:32 PM PST · by llevrok · 5 replies
    My brother in law | 12/20/2020
    Three military pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter said, 'In honor of this holy season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Navy pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle,’ he said. Saint Peter said, 'It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates.' The Air Force pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said, 'They had...
  • Microsoft and industry partners seize key domain used in SolarWinds hack

    12/19/2020 10:13:01 AM PST · by linMcHlp · 61 replies
    ZDNET ^ | 12/15/2020 | Catalin Cimpanu
    UPDATED: The seized domain has been turned into a killswitch to prevent the SolarWinds hackers to escalate infections and make new victims. Microsoft and a coalition of tech companies have intervened today to seize and sinkhole a domain that played a central role in the SolarWinds hack, ZDNet has learned from sources familiar with the matter. The domain in question is avsvmcloud[.]com, which served as command and control (C&C) server for malware delivered to around 18,000 SolarWinds customers via a trojanized update for the company's Orion app. SolarWinds Orion updates versions 2019.4 through 2020.2.1, released between March 2020 and June...
  • New Santa Clara County Travel Quarantine Order in Effect

    11/30/2020 12:15:38 PM PST · by Vendome · 36 replies
    NBC Bay Area ^ | November 29, 2020 | Marianne Favro
    The rush was on Sunday night for out-of-town travelers to get back home to Santa Clara County as a new mandatory travel directive went into effect at midnight. The order requires that travelers arriving in the county from more than 150 miles away quarantine for two weeks. But how will the county enforce such a broad order? Airports are going to be a key component of the new order, as it will be up to them to post signs and educate passengers about the new requirement. Passengers will be given a written copy of the directive upon landing. There are...
  • San Francisco Bay Area COVID Roundup: Chinatown’s COVID Fiscal Woes; Moderna Will Seek Vaccine Approval; Virtual SF Nutcracker Marches On

    11/30/2020 12:00:26 PM PST · by Vendome · 1 replies
    CBS local San Francisco ^ | November 30, 2020 | News round up
    Fear, Prejudice Contribute to Pandemic Slump in San Francisco Chinatown SAN FRANCISCO — Chinatown is one of the most colorful and historic districts in San Francisco but, despite a relatively low infection rate, the area is fighting for its life as fear of the pandemic is causing longtime businesses to fail. “It’s desolate and there’s nothing here anymore,” said area resident Mark Lobell. Grant Avenue on a Sunday morning would normally be jammed with shoppers and diners but, these days, it’s quiet and empty. Steven Lee co-owns the Sam Wo restaurant which has been operating in Chinatown for more than...
  • State Governor Frees All Drug Dealers To Provide Prison Space For Families Celebrating Thanksgiving

    11/24/2020 7:00:22 PM PST · by BipolarBob · 26 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 11/24/2020 | Babylon Bee
    SALEM, OR—To prepare for the influx of Thanksgiving rulebreakers, Oregon Governor Kate Brown has ordered all drug dealers to be freed from prison to make room for all the families who violate COVID restrictions. "Drugs are legal now anyway," said Governor Brown. "I hereby pardon all drug offenders currently doing time in Oregon prisons. I can do that right? Whatever -- I'm doing it. The real menaces to society are the families who try to gather with their loved ones to share food and give thanks. These violent science-deniers must be stopped!" According to sources, Oregon State Police have been...
  • Told I may be asked to go home and provide proof of my anxiety condition to wearing masks

    11/24/2020 10:21:48 AM PST · by Vendome · 163 replies
    Vanity | 11/24/2020 | Vendome
    Wast just informed by my boss I will be asked to go home if I don't wear a mask while on premise. Informed him of my anxiety condition and he said get a doctors note. Informed him the are I work in is 900 Square feet and I am generally the only person in that office and "the rules" say I am exempt from a mask under those conditions. "Go tell your king newsom but, that is the way it is" he replied. "If you have to wear a mask at the grocery store, you can wear one at work"...
  • San Francisco voters approve taxes on highly paid CEOs, big businesses (LOL)

    11/09/2020 12:13:48 PM PST · by Vendome · 39 replies
    latimes ^ | NOV. 5, 2020 | ASSOCIATED PRESS
    In an effort to address economic disparities laid bare by the COVID-19 pandemic, San Francisco voters have overwhelmingly approved several tax measures targeting property owners and big businesses with CEOs who are paid far more than their average workers. Under a newly approved law, any company whose top executive earns 100 times more than its average worker will pay an extra 0.1% surcharge on its annual business-tax payment. If a CEO makes 200 times more than the average employee, the surcharge increases to 0.2%, and so on per multiple of 100. "We’re not gonna shed any tears if penthouse dwellers...
  • Joe Biden’s Polish Joke

    11/01/2020 11:35:42 AM PST · by ebb tide · 21 replies
    Intellectual Report ^ | October 13, 2020 | Tom Zoidak
    Joe Biden’s Polish Joke Earlier this year, Joe Biden gave a lengthy interview to The New York Times, a venue as friendly toward Biden as Sean Hannity is to Donald Trump. In the course of this interview, Biden offered the following observation:Well, look what’s happened. Look what started to seep in, beginning and probably even with candidates during our administration. We stopped showing up at the Polish American club. We stopped showing up, and we all went to you, the really smart people. We had a new kind of coalition we were putting together. College-educated women and college men and boom, boom, boom and so on....
  • Was his joke the reason Trump ran for president? Some say so, and it torments him

    11/01/2020 6:04:39 AM PST · by raccoonradio · 101 replies
    Boston Globe ^ | 10-30-2020 | Mark Shanahan
    When the definitive history of Donald Trump’s presidency is written, it’ll likely begin on April 30, 2011, long before he was actually elected. That’s when Seth Meyers, then the anchor of “Weekend Update” on “Saturday Night Live,” told a joke that, some believe, so infuriated Trump he resolved to run for president. Speaking at the White House Correspondents' Dinner that night, Meyers acknowledged Trump in the audience, and then said: “Donald Trump has been saying he will run for president as a Republican, which is surprising, since I just assumed he was running as a joke.” It got a big...
  • Renewables Won’t Save Us If The Electric Grid Is Not Ready

    10/06/2020 5:42:28 PM PDT · by RomanSoldier19 · 16 replies ^ | Sep 30, 2020 | David BlackmonSenior Contributor
    In recent weeks, the media landscape has been awash with stories declaring the beginning of the end of the age of hydrocarbons in America and around the world. The facts on the ground, however, paint a different story. As of this year, renewable generation accounted for only 17.5% of the US’ energy mix. While Deloitte predicts this number will grow to just shy of 50% by 2050, it would be naïve to assume that fossil fuels won’t continue to play a significant role in our lives for the foreseeable future. The road to the energy system of the future is...
  • Mark Kelly apologizes for offensive 2018 joke

    09/10/2020 12:26:23 PM PDT · by yesthatjallen · 69 replies
    The Hill ^ | 09 10 2020 | Zack Budryk
    Arizona Senate candidate Mark Kelly (D) on Thursday apologized for an offensive joke he made in 2018 while discussing his brother’s return from space. Kelly, a retired astronaut, addressed the Boy Scouts of America, Northern New Jersey Council in 2018. During a Q&A portion, Kelly was asked about physiological changes his brother Scott Kelly, also an astronaut, underwent after returning. “It’s gotten so bad, that we recently had to release him back into the wild,” Mark Kelly quipped, adding, “He’s like halfway between an orangutan and a Howler Monkey. We’ve even changed his name to Rodrigo. He lives in the...
  • ‘Thank You California For Protecting The Grid Again’: ISO Lifts Stage 2 Emergency

    09/06/2020 10:06:03 PM PDT · by RomanSoldier19 · 16 replies ^ | 9/7/2020 | Syndicated Local – CBS Los Angeles
    The California Independent System Operator, which oversees the operation of California’s bulk electric power system, lifted a Stage 2 Emergency on Sunday night and thanked residents for their efforts toward conservation. “Thank you California for protecting the grid again,” ISO said in an announcement on Twitter. A Stage 2 Emergency, which had been declared briefly both Saturday and Sunday, means the “ISO has taken all mitigating actions and is no longer able to provide its expected energy requirements.”
  • Police Do Care

    09/04/2020 3:41:20 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 7 replies
    email from friend | 9/4/2020 | unknown
    The police department in the small hill country town of Kerrville, Texas, reported finding a man's body last Saturday, in the early evening, in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Fredericksburg. When he was found, he was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzel dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes, and a Biden T-shirt. The police removed...
  • Ok the world is officially in the seven years tribulation

    08/31/2020 5:02:32 PM PDT · by Secret Agent Man · 44 replies
    Loretta Lynn and Kid Rock got married to each other Jesus has to come back soon, this i one of the 7 signs No, but cmon its weird as he11
  • Diageo to launch Johnnie Walker whisky in paper bottles in 2021

    07/14/2020 1:02:21 AM PDT · by RomanSoldier19 · 24 replies
    Reuters ^ | 7/14/2020 | Reuters
    Johnnie Walker scotch whisky will be available in plastic-free bottles from early 2021, Diageo Plc said on Monday, as the world’s biggest spirits maker ramps up efforts to tackle plastic waste. The new bottle, developed in partnership with venture management company Pilot Lite, will be made from wood pulp that meets food grade standards and is fully recyclable, the Guinness and Tanqueray Gin maker said. Diageo and Pilot Lite have launched a sustainable packaging company called Pulpex Ltd to develop the paper bottle and collaborate on research and development. Pulpex will also create branded paper-bottles in non-competing categories for companies...
  • A Quickie

    06/19/2020 10:38:55 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 17 replies
    email from Republican friend | 6/19/2020 | unknown
    A union boss walks into a bar from the factory next door, and is about to order a beer, when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a "TRUMP, Make America Great Again" cap with a mug of beer sitting in front of him. The union boss doesn't need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender.... but not for the 'Republican." Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican...
  • Strange: This Antifa Rioter Has Yet To Redistribute His Loot To The Less Fortunate

    06/09/2020 8:04:28 PM PDT · by tbw2 · 9 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | June 3rd, 2020 | Babylon Bee
    AUSTIN, TX—Aiden Hamilton, an Antifa rioter who looted a local Target store, gleefully took all the great stuff he stole and moved it into his parents' garage, selfishly refusing to redistribute his haul equally among oppressed people groups. Weird but true!
  • Little old lady with guns.

    06/04/2020 4:37:15 AM PDT · by ChuckR163 · 5 replies
    A police officer pulls over an old lady in a car. He approaches her and asks for her driver's license and insurance. The he asks: "Do you have any weapons in the car?" Little Old Lady: Why yes, I have a .38 in my purse. Officer: Ok, do you have any other weapons in the car? LOL: Yes, There's this gun in the glove compartment. Officer: Hmm. Do you have any other weapons in the car ma'am? LOL: Well there's this .50 cal pistol under the seat. Officer: Lady, why do you have all these guns? What are you afraid...