Free Republic

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a promising sign that the weeks-long conflict in the Middle East could soon be over, President Donald Trump postponed strikes against Iran until all of its leaders assembled in one place again for a meeting. Trump posted the announcement to his Truth Social account on Monday morning, revealing that planned strikes on strategic targets would be halted until all of the remaining leaders of the Iranian government gathered again in one room. "We're holding off until we get them all together again," Trump posted. "We did it before, and it was very successful. It was my...

PARIS — French President Emmanuel Macron explained today that the French Army simply could not help open the Strait of Hormuz as all fifteen of its soldiers have already been deployed to defend Greenland. Though expressing their sincere desire to help, Macron stated that France simply did not have the military resources to help open the Strait while maintaining its protection of Greenland. "All of France's military might, specifically the one unit we have with fifteen soldiers, is already deployed," said Macron. "They cannot be relocated as they are bravely defending the shores of Greenland. Specifically, the one shore that's...

TEHRAN — Rumors of the Ayatollah regime's nefarious plot to launch an assault on the west coast of the United States hit a snag on Wednesday, as Iran canceled plans to attack California after seeing Gavin Newsom had already destroyed it. The Iranian government had issued threats that it was prepared to take revenge on the U.S. by launching attacks against California, but leaders were said to have reconsidered their plan after intelligence reports showed that the state had been completely decimated under Newsom's leadership. "You can't destroy something that's already destroyed," said a spokesman for the supreme leader. "We...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Faced with the threat of their total annihilation, the Islamic Republic of Iran reportedly contacted the White House on Thursday to ask if they could "please have Joe Biden back." White House officials confirmed that Mojtaba Khamenei, the new Supreme Leader of Iran, dialed the White House switchboard demanding to speak to whoever was in charge of picking the president so he could see about getting Joe Biden back in the Oval Office. "He is, uh, a great leader. We will listen to him," Khamenei reportedly said of the former president. "You put him back in...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The malodorous substance sprayed on Representative Ilhan Omar at a town hall meeting has been identified as Somali food. A man seated on the front row of the town hall suddenly rose and began shouting at Omar midway through the event before spraying her with Somali cuisine that had been fed through a blender. "Oof. It smells like rice and bananas," said security guard Jim Palmer as he secured Omar. "This is the most awful stench I have ever encountered. We need to get that substance down to the laboratory immediately. It's either poo mixed with rancid...

In a brilliant stroke of genius, President Donald Trump has just disguised himself as a Muslim migrant so that Europe now has to let him invade Greenland. Analysts say this could be the covert operation of the century, as European countries now have no real way to criticize Trump's plans to take over Greenland from within. "I'm going to immigrate to Greenland for a better life and then put the country under the fattest fatwa you've ever seen," a kufi and thawb-clad Trump told a group of dismayed European diplomats. "We're talking setting up my special Trump-brand mosques, maybe a...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — According to witnesses, federal ICE agents shifted their tactics slightly by donning Capitol Police uniforms so that Democrats would start defending them from being harmed. "I wish we had thought of this sooner," one ICE officer was heard saying. "It's like flipping a switch in their brains that makes them appreciate us." Ever since the federal government's crackdown on fraud and illegal residency in Minnesota began, ICE agents have been on high alert. The local community, encouraged by Democrats, has been fighting them every step of the way. Fortunately, that seems to be changing at a record...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A remake of the popular 2001 war film Black Hawk Down was reportedly in development at Columbia Pictures, with producers eyeing downtown Minneapolis as the primary filming location. "I got stuck there on a layover once, and I thought I'd landed in Somalia, but it was just Minnesota," producer Jerry Bruckheimer said. "I've never been more scared in my entire life. And I'm from Detroit." The original film, based on the true story of two U.S. military Black Hawk helicopters that were shot down during the Battle of Mogadishu during the Somali Civil War, was filmed using...

EDGARTOWN, MA — With the news that the U.S. military had carried out a successful bombing operation in Iran over the weekend, former President Barack Obama was reportedly distraught that President Donald Trump had bombed the cool nuke factory he had paid for. After several days of speculation, Trump revealed that the U.S. had carried out air strikes to destroy several of Iran's key nuclear research sites, leaving Obama despondent that the facilities he had fronted the Iranians billions of dollars to build were now gone. "All those years of money and hard work just blown to bits," Obama was...

(Daily Signal)—Hello, this is Victor Davis Hanson for The Daily Signal. There’s been a lot of media hysteria, some ambiguous and some negative polls. We have talked about that before, that they seem to be not so disinterested as we might imagine. It’s in line with previous prejudicial polls. But here’s the main course of action that we’re all looking at. It’s 100 days and we’re right in the middle of everything. And yet, people are already talking about President Donald Trump as if he’s failed or there’s an obituary. Nothing could be further from the truth. Don’t listen to...