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Top Ten Bush Goals For His Second Term 10. Fewer idiotic remarks; more hilarious pratfalls. 9. Add mother Barbara to Mount Rushmore. 8. Combine Nebraska and Kansas into new state: Nebransas. 7. Spice up boring state dinners with tasty fish sticks! 6. Improve communication skills from poor to fair. 5. Catch up on his "Smokey And The Bandit" collection. 4. Get Ray Stevens to write some funny lyrics for "Hail To The Chief" 3. Ride every roller coaster in the country. 2. Install remote-activated button in Oval Office so he can blow stuff up right from his desk! 1. Begin...

CAMP TAQADDUM, Iraq (Dec. 24, 2004) -- Although they couldn't be home for the holidays, Marines in Iraq received a timely Christmas gift when David Letterman performed a Christmas Eve edition of "The Late Show with David Letterman" here. Letterman, along with his musical director Paul Shaffer and stage manager Biff Henderson, brought the popular late night television show to the Marines, sailors and soldiers currently stationed at Camp Taqaddum, Iraq, Dec. 24, 2004. They were followed with a performance from "Off the Wall," a southern California band, which added to the holiday festivities. "How about a nice hand for...

"Stupidity is not limited to any one group of people. Sometimes the people we look up to most make the biggest fools of themselves. When they do, we are here to point it out." http://www.famousfools.com/

Top Ten John Kerry Excuses 10. Voters were in a fever-induced haze because they couldn't get flu shots. 9. Floridians confused by shockingly unconfusing ballots. 8. Maybe it wasn't best idea to begin speeches with "yo mama is so fat" jokes. 7. The endorsement from Osama Bin Laden didn't exactly help him. 6. "Dude--it's the Curse of the Bambino." 5. Should've campaigned more in New Mexico, less in regular Mexico. 4. Turns out voters think it's hot that Cheney has a lesbian daughter. 3. Thought America was ready for a lunatic first lady. 2. Voters seem to really like a...

Wednesday Night November 3 Leno Wow. What a crowd! You sound like Hillary Clinton when she heard John Kerry had lost. Before we go any further, I want to say to our viewers in Florida; now, was that so hard? This hasn’t been a good 24 hours for you if you’re a gay John Kerry supporter who planned to get married this weekend. It looks like the people have given Bush and Cheney four more years. The bad news, Cheney’s doctors only gave him three more years. Did you see Cheney on the news? He was so happy he was...

[relevant paragraphs] So tonight, John Kerry faces a serious make-or-break test on his road to the White House: a visit to the David Letterman show. If Kerry does this well, he will get at least one good day of press and show that, despite the brickbats of his critics, he does have a sense of humor. And right now, Kerry could use an appearance that humanizes him and makes him seem more likeable, the kind of personality Americans wouldn't mind seeing on their television screen for the next four years. And then I wanted to write jokes for Kerry. Something...

10. I'm Dan Rather, your love anchor 9. Connie, mind if I borrow your mascara? 8. Wanna buy a fake Rolex? 7. And now a report from our White House correspondent, Howie Mandel 6. Maybe Letterman ought to spend some of that big-time TV money on better wigs 5. That's the news, I'm Oprah Winfrey 4. Hey, let's bomb Alaska! 3. Honey, I'll be home soon--have the tequila ready 2. Good evening. I'm Dan Rather and I'm not wearing pants 1. I made that last story up

Kerry supporter Natalie Portman Actress Natalie Portman, sporting a yellow T-shirt featuring a John Kerry photo with the "That 70s Show" font, praised Kerry as having "the perfect combination of compassion, intelligence, and composure. I'm a huge fan."

Alright, I just saw on the Late Show with David Letterman a segment in which David interviews Joe Wilson about his book on his wife and the Niger situation.....what he called the "lies" that led to war. I am so pissed I am considering boycotting the show. First though, a Freep is in order. David just basically let Wilson blab and blab without questioning anything he stated. Several points need to be made in a Freep: 1) Wilson did not prove Bush lied about anything; why not have somebody on to defend Bush and counter Wilson's allegation? 2) Wilson was...

A funny thing happened to David Letterman this week. Actually, it only started out funny. And the unfunny ending fits into a disturbing pattern. On Monday, Mr. Letterman ran a video clip of a boy yawning and fidgeting during a speech by George Bush. It was harmless stuff; a White House that thinks it's cute to have Mr. Bush make jokes about missing W.M.D. should be able to handle a little ribbing about boring speeches. CNN ran the Letterman clip on Tuesday, just before a commercial. Then the CNN anchor Daryn Kagan came back to inform viewers that the clip...

Its list of offerings reads like a who's who of entertainment icons: musical superstars, award-winning actors and professional athletes among them. Armed Forces Entertainment has been presenting first-class entertainment to U.S. troops and their families overseas for more than 50 years. Last year alone, it sponsored more than 1,200 shows at 225 sites worldwide —85 of them in Iraq, Afghanistan and other parts of Southwest Asia, according to Air Force Col. Janice Long, chief of Armed Forces Entertainment. During the past six months, the program sponsored visits by headliners such as World Wrestling Entertainment, Bruce Willis, Blink-182, Collective Soul, Drew...

David Letterman Live in Iraq...Christmas with the troops... Right Now !

From Monday’s Late Show with David Letterman, the “CNN Unfortunate Word Choice of the Night,” taken from an actual CNN Headline News channel report. A bishop or a bitch? With “First Look” as the graphic over video of New Hampshire priest Gene Robinson, and with “Landmark Hearing” across the bottom of the screen, the female CNN Headline News channel anchor described how an Episcopal conference “will vote on the confirmation of Gene Robinson as Bishop of New Hampshire. He would become the first openly gay Episcopal bitch [slight pause] bishop.” Now that really is an unfortunate word choice. Letterman like...

Fleischer: Media Driving 'Overblown' Uranium Story: In a July 17 appearance on the Late Show With David Letterman retiring Bush press secretary Ari Fleischer discussed the reaction of reporters like CBS's Roberts to the uranium controversy, and said of the disputed words, "This one issue, we didn't have solid enough information for it to be made into the president's speech. But if ever there was an issue that was dramatically, ridiculously exaggerated and overblown, it's this one." Letterman then wondered how long the stories would last: LETTERMAN: When something like this happens, a little eruption like this--and everybody [the...

"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book, she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman "Hillary Clinton's book hits the stores this Monday. Oh boy, it took her a long time to write it. But in her defense, every time she tried to use the desk, Bill was always using it for a date." - Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoir comes out...

David Letterman again spoke out in favor of Martha Stewart on the Late Show last night. He had first called her current prosecution a celebrity witch-hunt on Monday night. Letterman called on the federal government to end the prosecution immediately.

David Letterman monologue: This is an exciting story from the world of sports. This week, Annika Sorenstam is playing golf in a men's torrnament down in Fort Worth, Texas. It's exciting isn't it. (Applause) This is a big event. It's the first time a woman has played in the PGA in 57 years or something like that. It's so important that the New York Times is pretending to send three reporters down there to cover it. (Laughter) It's just that important. (Applause)

The Middle East has seen plenty of tall, pale men since the American infidels set their sights on Saddam Hussein, but perhaps no one as tall or as pale as Conan O’Brien. Sources at Late Night with Conan O’Brien and the U.S.O. told The Transom that Mr. O’Brien, along with the executive producer of his NBC talk show, Jeff Ross, and the program’s head writer, Mike Sweeney, quietly ventured to Kuwait on May 14 for what U.S.O. spokeswoman Sharon Fletcher called a "handshake tour" of American bases that was jointly arranged by the U.S.O. and the Department of Defense’s Office...

David Letterman monologue: By the way, we have captured Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein earlier today (applause)....I guess it's true, I read it in the New York Times. (laughter)... Maybe it is, may be it isn't

Top Ten Things Iraq's Information Minister Has To Say About The War10. "We're pulling down the statues of Saddam to have them cleaned" 9. "Don't believe that stuff you see on CNN...or NBC, CBS, ABC, Fox or MSNBC" 8. "If you ask me who the winner is, it depends on what your definition of 'is' is" 7. "Iraqi television is off the air because we didn't want you to have to sit through 'Becker'" 6. "Do you know of any job openings for a lying weasel?" 5. "Wolf Blitzer and I are engaged" 4. "Iraqis are in the streets celebrating...