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In what economists are hailing as a clear sign of economic recovery, Walmart customers across the USA jammed into stores on Black Friday, sometimes killing each other to buy useless ----.

NYC TO HOST FIRST ANNUAL I'M NOT GAY PRIDE MARCH Chance For Wrongfully Outed Celebs to Set Record Straight New York City will be the scene of the first annual I'm Not Gay Pride March, a unique opportunity for outed celebrities to "strut their straight stuff," march organizers said today. "Those participating in the march want the world to know that there's nothing wrong with being gay, as long as people don't think that they're gay," a march spokesman said today. Organizers expect a heavy turnout from celebrities claiming to be wrongfully outed, including actors John Travolta and Tom Cruise...

FBI FINDS NUCLEAR WARHEAD IN WINONA RYDER'S APARTMENT Agents Connected Dots Based On Tip from Ally Sheedy Attorney General John Ashcroft revealed today that the FBI found a ninety-megaton nuclear warhead in the Santa Monica, California apartment of Hollywood starlet Winona Ryder. Mr. Ashcroft praised the FBI agents for, in his words, "connecting the dots" that led to the discovery of the warhead after they received a tip from Hollywood starlet Ally Sheedy. "It is not known precisely how Ms. Ryder came to acquire weapons of mass destruction," Mr. Ashcroft told reporters in Washington, today. "However, she was seen last...