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Posted on 06/13/2002 9:04:06 PM PDT by cd jones
FBI FINDS NUCLEAR WARHEAD IN WINONA RYDER'S APARTMENT
Agents Connected Dots Based On Tip from Ally Sheedy
Attorney General John Ashcroft revealed today that the FBI found a
ninety-megaton nuclear warhead in the Santa Monica, California apartment
of Hollywood starlet Winona Ryder.
Mr. Ashcroft praised the FBI agents for, in his words, "connecting the
dots" that led to the discovery of the warhead after they received a tip
from Hollywood starlet Ally Sheedy.
"It is not known precisely how Ms. Ryder came to acquire weapons of mass
destruction," Mr. Ashcroft told reporters in Washington, today. "However,
she was seen last month on the outskirts of Minsk with an extremely large
Kate Spade handbag."
But Mr. Ashcroft later downgraded the nature of the FBI's find, telling
reporters that what was initially thought to be an intercontinental
ballistic missile turned out to be a tank of nitrous oxide, a recreational
drug sometimes used at Hollywood parties.
However, Mr. Ashcroft was quick to point out that FBI agents also found in
Ms. Ryder's apartment a set of so-called "hot curlers" that appear to have
been shoplifted from a Santa Monica CVS drug store.
"We are currently interrogating Ms. Ryder to determine precisely what she
planned to do with those hot curlers," Mr. Ashcroft said.
In other FBI news, FBI Director Robert Mueller announced today that agency
whistleblower Colleen Rowley had been named "Employee of the Month" and
would be awarded a twenty-year paid vacation on the island of Elba.
"Elba, where the Emperor Napoleon was exiled, played an important role in
world history," Mr. Mueller said. "This is our way of letting Colleen
know that she, too, is history."
**** BOROWITZ ON NPR THIS SUNDAY ****
www.Borowitzreport.com
Waste Someone's Time: Forward to a Friend.
There are three refuges for has-beens in Hollywood:
1)Television
2)Straight-to-video
3)Homosexual roles.
I believe your #3 should be a more inclusive, "Any left-wing political cause."
Well, that's a given, in Hollywood. Notice, how they did, I believe on that television series "Law and Order", an episode about a senator killing an intern or something like that, yet, there has not been ANY series, or movies, about a President who rapes a woman prior to becoming President. At least, to my knowledge there hasn't been.
If it had been a Republican accused of the same thing, there would be nothing but those plots in series and movies.
Jefferson in Paris almost fits the bill -- race instead of rape.
From an actor to a Founding Father in nine posts.....from an alleged shoplifter, to rape in the same amount of time.......this is ludicrous!!!! You would have to live in New Jersey, to make these sort of leaps in logic................................
Oh.....I forgot.....I do..... nevermind!
Do you see children...this is what happens if you had no other choices than CNN...many years ago...you forget howe 2 spel.
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