Free Republic

NEW HAMPSHIRE—After an astounding victory against Democratic rivals in the New Hampshire primaries, Bernie Sanders expressed his thanks to an adoring crowd of Bolsheviks and college students. Also present was a contingent of lying dog-faced pony soldiers, who flipped their support to Bernie after Biden’s recent gaffe. “I happen to believe,” Senator Sanders began, “that the re-education of racists and freedom lovers from the middle of the country will be essential to healing and remaking this nation. That is why I am pleased to announce that we will build our very first re-education facility right here in the great state...

NEW HAMPSHIRE—After an astounding victory against Democratic rivals in the New Hampshire primaries, Bernie Sanders expressed his thanks to an adoring crowd of Bolsheviks and college students. Also present was a contingent of lying dog-faced pony soldiers, who flipped their support to Bernie after Biden’s recent gaffe. “I happen to believe,” Senator Sanders began, “that the re-education of racists and freedom lovers from the middle of the country will be essential to healing and remaking this nation. That is why I am pleased to announce that we will build our very first re-education facility right here in the great state...

MANCHESTER, NH—While campaigning in New Hampshire, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was very confused when he saw the phrase “Live Free or Die” on a license plate. “What is that?” he demanded. When someone explained it was the state motto, he was even more confounded. “Both those options sound horrible!” he exclaimed. “Living free is exactly what billionaires want,” Sanders told a crowd at a campaign stop. “That way they can accumulate as much money as they want. Think of living free -- everyone involved in peaceful voluntary exchange without government getting in the way -- it would be chaos! That’s...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—"It's over, Pelosi! You've lost!" shouted a cackling Trump as he and the Speaker of the House hovered above the White House, locked in mortal combat. "You have no cards left to play!" Pelosi, ragged and weary from battling her archnemesis for three years, managed a weak smile. "Oh, I think I might have one card up my sleeve," she growled through clenched dentures. "Progressives, assemble!" Down on the ground, something incredible happened: brave Resistance warriors from all over began to assemble and scream at the sky, their powers adding to her own. Pelosi's eyes began to glow blue...

THE FINAL FRONTIER—President Trump’s new Space Force has been stealing the imagination of the public with its forward-looking ideal. “It’s a force,” Trump explained in a press conference, “in SPAAAAACE!” Not to be outdone, the Democrats are now trying to show they can also look to the future with their new proposal: Space IRS. “We also are inspired by watching shows such as Star Wars,” Nancy Pelosi told the press, “and seeing someone like Han Solo, a smuggler who is obviously avoiding taxes. It makes us say to ourselves, there has to be a way to follow someone like that...

"America still has a lot of poor people, and that's because we haven't been aggressive in implementing socialist programs that cause mass starvation," Sanders said, his fingers flopping around like ten tiny wacky inflatable tube men. "Firing squads, death camps, breadlines---all of these are humanitarian tools in the arsenal of the government to shoot poverty in the face, and sometimes also the poor in the face, when it's necessary."

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Well, it's shaping up to be a bad week for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. The Democratic primaries are in chaos, Trump delivered a positive, high-energy State of the Union address, the economy is good, and Trump was just acquitted of the articles of impeachment. But Pelosi made it even worse on herself by tearing up Trump's State of the Union address in front of the whole nation. She ended up overexerting herself, and 54 different bones in her hands and wrists immediately snapped during the ripping. Fourteen different muscles were also strained. She fell to the ground...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As President Trump began addressing the nation Tuesday evening, he said, "Good evening" to the camera, drawing an immediate flurry of fact checks from publications all across the country. The New York Times pointed out that the meaning of the phrase was vague and that Trump could have meant any one of several things by the statement. Finally, they concluded that since Trump stubbornly insists on existing in our plane of reality, the statement that the evening was "good" in any way couldn't possibly be true. CNN, meanwhile, fact-checked the concept of "good" altogether. "Hold it right there," one...

HOUSTON, TX—Taking his luxury golf cart from the front door of his Houston mansion down to his mailbox to fetch the paper Friday morning, prosperity preacher Joel Osteen reportedly looked down to see his own shadow, a traditional sign indicating that he will be preaching the Bible out of context for yet another year. “Well, would you look at that. There it is, right there,” Osteen reportedly said as he smiled and pointed down to his shadow on his driveway. Local news teams excitedly gathered around his mansion to witness the annual tradition, wherein the megachurch pastor is said to...

WILLOW FALLS, NY—Pastor Chuck Nielsen of Foundations Church prides himself on his powerful, moving sermons. But congregants began to grow concerned when Nielsen referenced articles from popular satire site The Babylon Bee in nearly every message. "At first, we thought he was playing along, but it became increasingly clear that he thought the Bee was real news," said church member Edna Willis. Nielsen has reportedly cited articles like "Elevation Church Debuts Water Slide Baptismal" and "Joel Osteen Sails Luxury Yacht Through Flooded Houston To Pass Out Copies Of 'Your Best Life Now'" to demonstrate how far the American church has...

HELL—Jeffrey Epstein has been released from hell after coming out as transgender, sources in the afterlife confirmed today. The millionaire and convicted sex offender donned a blonde wig and told the guardians of hell that he was rehabilitated and ready to go back to the land of the living.

U.S.—VeggieTales is finally being rebooted without all the sacrilegious elements of the Netflix version, such as eyebrows and irises. One new character confirmed to appear in the show is a sanctimonious, elitest lemon named Don. A news anchor and cultured elite, Don the Lemon anchors a news show on Veggie News Network, popular in airports and hotel lobbies in the VeggieTales universe. Don the Lemon will lecture all the other vegetables on how they're not as cultured as he is on his show and laugh at them for being dumb, hick vegetables. "Have you ever seen the Grape family?" he...

COOL SPRINGS, TN—Popular financial guru Dave Ramsey announced Tuesday that he has teamed up with financial services corporation Visa to offer an exciting new credit card with a credit line of up to zero dollars for everyone. “What’s great about the official Dave Ramsey card is that it always gets declined,” Ramsey said on his radio program. “Try to buy a new fishing reel? Declined. Try to book a family vacation you can’t afford? Declined. Replace a shredded tire you failed to budget for? Yup, you guessed it—declined.” According to Ramsey, the new card also offers rewards points, giving 0%...

U.S.—Oops! A social media scheduling error apparently caused Hillary Clinton to post her condolences for Tulsi Gabbard's suicide one day early. This morning, Clinton posted that she felt "great sadness" at hearing that Gabbard had killed herself. In subsequent tweets, she detailed how "tragic" it was that Gabbard had broken her own kneecaps, stuck her feet in concrete, then tossed herself off the docks near a seedy warehouse. "It's just terrible what happened, and though we disagreed, I hope we can all take a few minutes to send thoughts and prayers to the family," Clinton concluded. The post was deleted...

U.S.—The Babylon Bee has been the world's best satire site for thousands of years, spawning dozens of secular knock-offs that just aren't quite as good. The site announced a new acquisition this week, one that immediately made the site the largest satirical site on the planet: a purchase of competing satire site CNN for $12 billion. The move more than quadrupled the site's catalog of hilarious, satirical articles. "We've long admired CNN's ability to parody leftist media organizations so effortlessly, and we're thrilled to have them under The Babylon Bee's umbrella," said site CEO Seth Dillon. "When you can't compete...

U.S.—The Babylon Bee has been the world's best satire site for thousands of years, spawning dozens of secular knock-offs that just aren't quite as good. The site announced a new acquisition this week, one that immediately made the site the largest satirical site on the planet: a purchase of competing satire site CNN for $12 billion. The move more than quadrupled the site's catalog of hilarious, satirical articles.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Faced with the prospect of another drawn-out day of listening to fellow congresspeople drone on and on about impeachment, Republican senators donned their trusty googly-eye glasses in order to get a little shuteye. Senator Mitch McConnell distributed the glasses as the trial was called to order, letting the other Republican senators know that they could catch a solid eight hours of sleep behind the clever disguise. "Throw these bad boys on, and you'll look super interested -- maybe even a little too interested," a yawning McConnell said as he handed a pair to Ted Cruz. The previous day, Cruz...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In his opening statement at Trump's impeachment trial, Rep. Adam Schiff reminded the Senate of their solemn duty and the gravity of just what it is they will be discussing at the trial. Schiff warned that if Trump is not impeached, the American people may have a chance to tamper with the next election. "If President Trump is not impeached, the American people might get a say in who is president,"...(SNIP)

U.S.—Hillary Clinton had some helpful advice for the Bernie Sanders campaign after she claimed nobody likes him. In a candid moment, she told the interviewer that if she were running the Sanders campaign, the vocal critics would find themselves "swimming with the fishes." "Look, if you want to be likable in politics, you've got to be willing to fight for it, and maybe kill for it," she said. "The absolute number of people that like Bernie may not go up, but the percentage of surviving people who like him will increase. And the people who still don't like him wouldn't...

Addressing a crowd earlier this week, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez declared that Joseph Stalin was actually a conservative or at least a center-right kind of guy.