I need fifty JOKES for the TROOPS in Iraq and Afghanistan by tomorrow night!

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1273305/posts ^ | 11-28-04 | patriciaruth

[patriciaruth]

I've got a bunch of Christmas cards ("proudly MADE in the U.S.A.") that will be going with the last Christmas care packages for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan with candy canes and other goodies, and

I need some fun jokes to go in them!

Please both post your joke here and then send a copy to me by FReepmail with your first name, town and State at the bottom.

I'll print them up and tuck them in the last 4 or 5 dozen cards going out tomorrow and Tuesday.

[dfwright]

Just for fun, can you figure out the familiar sayings from the following big words? Don't give up, you know every one of them. Work on these for a while.

Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minifis.
Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
Surveillance should precede salientation.
Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.
The stylus is more potent than the claymore.
It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled sauce pan does not reach 212 degrees.
All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonous materials, there is conflagration.
Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques vitiate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain comestibles.
Male cadavers are incapable of yielding any testimony.
Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrious projectiles.
Neophyte's serendipity.
Exclusive dedication to necessitated chores without interludes of hedonist diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of a small green bryophitic.
The person presenting the ultimate cachination possesses the optimal cachination.
Abstention from any undertaking precludes a potential escalation of a lucrative nature.
Missiles of ligneous or petrious consistency have the potential of fracturing my osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous

[Sola Veritas]

"long and poor taste, but here's one"

Right you are. It is in EXTREMELY poor taste. Plus, it shows that whoever conceived it has zero knowledge about Levitical law and why the some parts still apply and others don't.

[Darksheare]

Okers.
(Can be modified for field use..)

In 12 cup drip percolator pot, fill to 6 cup mark with water.
In filter, put 6 heaping scoops of coffee.
Medium roast works best, just make sure it's a robust blend.
Found a maxwellhouse 'medium roast' that was rather anemic.
Put pinch of salt in filter, about as much as it would take to cover the surface of a dime with one even layer.
This keeps the coffee from tasting burned too quickly, it doesn't age well brewed this way.

Brew, recirculate if need be, usually not.
Add sugar and dairy creamer.
Creamora and coffeemate are not recommended unless you like the heart racing that Ranger Pudding gives.
That, and the nondairy creamer will give you both a headache and a buzz with the coffee.
One thing not mentioned was that they did use non-dairy creamer.

I usually put about 8 spoons of sugar in this stuff, it ends up being like Russian Kava, thick and sweet with that bitter overtone to it.

Oh, and I am NOT responsible for seeming demonic possession of the coffeepot, or the coffeepot ending up acting as if it has been damaged.

Be sure NOT to add creamora or coffeemate to the brew, unless you LIKE ranger pudding style heart racing.
When I brew that stuff for myself, I recirculate the stuff to brew a second time, but that's me for my own personal enjoyment, and it may wreck the coffeepot.
Don't forget the salt, it's important to the finished brew.

[dfwright]

Concerned about his son's future, a man decided to test the youngster. He would put the lad in a room with only a Bible, an apple, and a five dollar gold piece. If the boy sat down and read the Bible, a career in the ministry would be indicated. The boy would become a farmer if he ate the apple. A banking career would be suggested if the boy toyed with the money.

The boy was brought in. Sitting on the Bible, he chewed on the apple. After mulling it over, he put the coin in his pocket.

The man smiled. His son would be a politician!

[GoRepGo]

A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV- "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"

[Do not dub me shapka broham]

Heh, heh.

Not bad.

[oust the louse]

This guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the
dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black
mutt just sitting
there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep", the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered
this gift pretty
young and I wanted to help the government, so I
told the CIA about
my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from
country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured
a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
most valuable
spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I
knew I wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed
up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work,
mostly wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible
dealings there and was awarded a batch of
medals. Had a wife, a mess
of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the
owner what he wants
for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth
are you selling him
so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't
do any of that stuff."

[MeekOneGOP]

Okay, here is one:

ARAB TV GUIDE

SUNDAY:
8:00 - My 33 Sons
8:30 - Osama Knows Best
9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
10:00 - The Kuwaiti Hillbillies

MONDAY:
8:00 - Husseinfeld
9:00 - Mad About Everything
9:30 - Monday Night Stoning
10:00 - Win Bin Laden's Money
10:30 - Allah McBeal

TUESDAY:
8:00 - Wheel of Terror
8:30 - The Price Is Right If Osama Says It's Right
9:00 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Slayer
WEDNESDAY:
8:00 - Beat the Press
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
9:00 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
9:30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Veilwatch

THURSDAY:
8:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30 - Married With 139 Children
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News

FRIDAY:
8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
9:30 - Cave and Garden Television
10:00 - No-Witness News

SATURDAY:
8:00 - Spongebob Squareturban
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - Teletalibans
10:30 - Camel 54, Where Are You?
11.00 - I Love Suha

[patriciaruth]

Subject: Car Radio

A woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" began playing from the speakers.

The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them.

"A$$****s! she yelled.......

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by the Dixie Chicks, accompanied by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore.

[dfwright]

Books for the prison library:
THE GANGSTERS by Robin Steele
MY LIFE IN CRIME by Upton O. Goode
BAD MONEY by Count R. Fitz
YOU ALWAYS GET CAUGHT by Sue Nora Later

Books for hobbyists:
BAND PLAYING by Clara Nett
JAZZ MUSIC by Tenna Saxe
CUDDLY TOYS by Ted E. Behr
THE STARS TELL IT ALL by Horace Cope
SCULPTING THE GODS OF GREECE AND ROME by Jove

Books for fishermen:
WATERWAYS OF THE WORLD by Sue S. Canal
A FISH STORY by Czar Dean
CAUGHT IN THE FLOOD by Noah Zark
LITTLE FISHES by Anne Chovey

Books for the doctor's waiting room:
HOW TO MAKE A TOURNIQUET by Hank R. Schiff
HANDLING YOUR EMOTIONS by Mel. N. Collie
CALM DOWN by Ed. G. Nerfs
KNOCKING YOUR FUNNY BONE by Lord Howard Hertz

[dfwright]

AN ACCIDENT REPORT

---

Reprinted from the Central New York Home Building News.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500# of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which unfortunately was attached to the side of the building, at the 6th floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 500# of brick. You will note in block 11 of the form that I weigh 135#.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming down. this explains the fractured skull and broken collar-bone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind, and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50#.

I refer you again to my weight in block 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the 3rd floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only 3 vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 6 stories above me, I again lost the presence of mind, and I let go of the rope. The empty barrel, weighing more than the rope, came back down on me, and broke both my legs.

I hope I have furnished the information you require as to how the accident occurred.

Signed:

Trion Tewdew Wright

[IPWGOP]

Here's the URL to my 'Today's Joke' webpage on www.iowapresidentialwatch.com: {I just started it a while ago, so there's not very many...)

http://www.iowapresidentialwatch.com/pages/Jokes.htm

[redhead]

This might already be on the thread. If so, treat accordingly:

The Two Jerks

I was sitting at my desk the other day, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Jim Moore. May I speak to Robin ?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits.

After I'd hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of days, I'd call him up.

He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're a jerk!"> Somehow this would always cheer me up.

Then I remembered about Caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. But I wanted to check first. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I said, "This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID program?"

He said, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. At least I was still safe.

That night, an old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Mustang come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first !" The guy climbed out of his Mustang completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.

I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the telephone number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

The next morning, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling my favorite jerk, and I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Mustang lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."

I said, "Is this the man with the black Mustang for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street; the car's parked right out front.

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes."

"Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down.

After a few days of steady calling Jerks one and two, a plot began to form in my evil lil' mind to even the score once and for all. First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up.

Jerk one said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah!!!"

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

"And where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. My black Mustang is parked out front."

"I'm coming over in a bit, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

I replied, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk !" and I hung up. Then I called Jerk #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jerk!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

I replied, "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, Jerk!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that, I climbed into my car and sped over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

[dfwright]

Question: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure of the following agreement:

WHEREAS, the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise agreed illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the second party (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

(1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb), in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform. In such a case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first-part (Lawyer) throughout.

(2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

(3) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one (1) of the self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assignees, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination consistent with maxmization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."

[oust the louse]

Subject: 3 golfing buddies
Three golfing partners died in a car
wreck and went to heaven.
Upon arrival they discover the most
beautiful golf course they have ever
seen. St. Peter tells them that they are
all welcome to play the course,
but he cautions them that there is only
one rule: Don't hit the ducks.
The men all have blank expressions, and
finally one of them asks "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are
millions of ducks walking around
the course and if one gets hit, he
squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're
all squawking to beat the band
and it really breaks the tranquility. If
you hit the ducks,you'll be punished, otherwise
everything is yours to enjoy."
Upon entering the course, the men noted
that there were indeed large
numbers of ducks everywhere. Within
fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit
one of them. The duck squawked, the one
next to it squawked and soon
there was a deafening roar of duck
quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely
homely woman in tow and asked
"Who hit the duck?" The guy who had done it
admitted "I did."
St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair
of handcuffs and cuffed the
man's right hand to the homely woman's
left hand. "I told you not to hit
the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be
handcuffed together for eternity."
The other two men were very cautious not
to hit any ducks, but a couple
of weeks later, one of them accidentally
did. The quacks were as
deafening as before and within minutes
St. Peter walked up with an even
uglier woman.
St. Peter determined which one had hit
the duck by the fear in his face
and cuffed the man's right hand to the
homely woman's left hand.
I told you not to hit the ducks," he said. "Now
you'll be handcuffed together
for eternity."
The third man was extremely careful. Some
days he wouldn't even move
for fear of even nudging a duck. After
three months of this he still
hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up
to the man at the end of the
three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
St. Peter smiled to the man and then,
without a word, handcuffed him to
the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be
handcuffed to this woman for
eternity, let out a sigh and said "What
have I done to deserve
this?"
The woman responded "I don't know about
you, but I hit a duck."

[Maceman]

So these four buddies are drunk in a bar, and they get into a bet over which one is the most macho.

One of them says he will carry out any challenge. His buddies come up with these three:

1) "See that really big bouncer, 6'5" and maybe 300 lbs. over there? Walk up to him and deck him."

2) "The owner's vicious German Shepard guard dog has a toothache and is locked in the bathroom. Remove the tooth."

3) "See that hot stacked blonde over there? Have sex with her before closing."

So the first drunk takes on the challenges. He walks up to the bouncer, lands a solid punch to the nose, and decks the guy.

Next he goes into the bathroom to tend the German Shepard. His friends can hear much growling, snarling, barking, crashing against the walls. Soon they hear the shepard's squeals of pain, then whimpering, and then all is quiet except for the dog's mournful moans.

Finally the drunk steps out of the bathroom with a proud look on his face and says: "Alright -- where's that blonde with the toothache?"

[festus]

So Martha Stewart, a Nun, and a _____________ go into prison......

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1289987/posts

[GoRepGo]

While visiting his niece, elderly Uncle Geezer had a serious stroke.
The niece drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, dear," cried the niece, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "We've never had a Democrat in the family before."

______________________________________

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job".
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're kidding me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[SnarlinCubBear]

Long, but funny!

Raising Boys - 24 key points to ponder

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four
walls of a 20x20 foot room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much J ell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

[JesseJane]

*