Keyword: humor
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VIDEOIn case there has been anyone who has lived on an island isolated from the outside world for the past ten years, they would probably have trouble understanding the deep scope of TDS, Trump Derangement Syndrome, as described by psychotherapist Jonathan Alter. However, with the aid of Jim Breuer translating Alpert's analysis of TDS into comedy, they would definitely have a much better understanding about the wide plague of TDS.
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https://babylonbee.com/news/poem-on-statue-of-liberty-updated-to-read-no-fattiesNEW YORK, NY — As part of a change in immigration policy designed to limit the incoming of foreign nationals with chronic health issues, the poem posted on the Statue of Liberty was updated to read "No Fatties." The famous inscription, which had long been held as a beacon of hope to all who sought a new life and the American dream, now more accurately reflected the current administration's efforts to prevent obese immigrants from arriving to weigh down the nation's healthcare industry. "It's a modern addition that fits our updated vision," said Secretary of State Marco Rubio. "Our country...
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SAN DIMAS, CA — A group of bored high school students asked their chemistry teacher this week when he was going to teach them how to cook meth and go on crazy adventures in an RV. The group peppered teacher William Wright with questions about how to cook "really pure crytal meth" and "when the actual fun part of chemistry was going to start, with the drug cartels and feds and whatever." "I'll be honest, I had no idea what these kids were talking about," Wright told reporters. "I don't know where they would get such wild ideas, but...
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https://babylonbee.com/news/with-cheney-dead-iraq-finally-admits-they-had-wmds-all-along BAGHDAD — Following the death of former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney, Iraqi government officials finally admitted they actually did have weapons of mass destruction this whole time. "It is true," Iraqi Prime Minister Mohammed Shia al-Sudani told the press. "We have been having the weapons for all these many years. We were... how you say... just messing with you. Funny, yes?" Cheney and then-President George W. Bush launched an invasion of Iraq in 2003 based in part on intel about the Saddam Hussein regime producing and stockpiling weapons of mass destruction in the country. An extensive investigation later...
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https://babylonbee.com/news/mamdani-moves-mayors-office-under-childrens-hospital NEW YORK CITY, NY — In his first official act as mayor-elect, Zohran Mamdani moved the mayor's office under a children's hospital. The mayor's office had been located at New York City Hall since 1812, but Mamdani was determined to relocate it when he learned it wasn't strategically positioned behind human shields. "This place doesn't meet our needs for a headquarters," he said, seemingly unaware that it was not American practice to line the walls with sick children. Voters were reportedly shocked to learn Mamdani had moved his office beneath a children's hospital, but were assured this was "perfectly...
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https://babylonbee.com/news/christians-in-nigeria-disguise-themselves-as-palestinians-so-people-will-care-about-them-being-genocidedYELWATA — In a last-ditch effort to survive, Christians in Nigeria disguised themselves as Palestinians in hopes that people around the world would suddenly care about them being genocided. The oppressed and beleaguered followers of Christ reported that dressing up as Palestinian people was perhaps their last hope to get the attention of protesters, influencers, podcasters, news reporters, and Hollywood celebrities and make them care about their being eradicated by Islamic terrorists. "It would be great if this works," said one Christian man who feared for his life. "We're getting wiped out here, and nobody seems to notice. But we've...
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Press Secretary: In order to reduce the travel time for ships traversing between the Gulf of America and the Atlantic Ocean, the President and Governor of Florida announce a joint project to build a large canal traversing the Florida / Georgia State line. This is an essential project in keeping with the Commerce Clause. Further, in order to accommodate the ever-increasing size of ships, all bridges spanning the canal will be constructed as draw bridges. I will now take questions.
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NEW YORK, NY — As the New York City mayoral race entered its final stretch before Tuesday's election, leading candidate Zohran Mamdani sought to broaden his appeal with undecided voters by promising to establish rent-free gulags throughout the city in which he would graciously imprison his political opponents and also everyone else. Mamdani made the announcement at a rally on Saturday while putting the finishing touches on his campaign to be elected mayor, assuring New York citizens that they would have equal opportunity to be placed in state-run gulags at no cost. "Every New Yorker has a right to...
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Vice President JD Vance leaned into an internet joke at his own expense this Halloween, posting a short video of himself wearing a curly brown wig to mimic a meme that’s followed him for months. In the TikTok clip, filmed at the Naval Observatory residence, Vance opens the door in a dark suit and red tie, smiling as he tells trick-or-treaters, "Happy Halloween, kids ... remember, say thank you!" The line is a playful callback to the "you didn’t say thank you" meme before he spins under purple lights to the eerie "Twilight Zone" theme. The 41-year-old vice president’s video...
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https://babylonbee.com/news/prodigal-son-returns-after-snap-benefits-expireGALILEE — A local family rejoiced after a wayward son returned in repentance to his father, though subsequent reports claimed that this was because he just ran out of SNAP benefits. Sources said that the father ran out to his son, who looked a little pudgy after living on government-subsidized junk food for months, and embraced him. "My father! I have sinned, and am no longer worthy to be called your son," said the young prodigal to his weeping dad. "Is there anything in the fridge? My EBT card hasn't been working since this government shutdown stuff happened." Witnesses said...
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We are so screwed. It's over, babe. Everyone who died, died.Name one thing that isn't fouling up. You can't do it.We're all losing our jobs and the shutdown is going to cause riots and nobody will make it.We're all gonna die!!!!
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