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Keyword: sarcasm

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  • Racist Chicago Mayor Rips Migrants (Safe and Effective Satire)

    05/12/2023 4:58:16 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 1 replies
    5/12/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Racist Democratic Chicago Mayor, Loonie Lightfoot, railed against Biden's and Mayorkas' migrants invading Chicago's Southside. Lightfoot said that there aren't nearly enough hovels available to house the locals let alone thousands of predatory migrants. Lightfoot was especially worried about an increase in crime because the migrants are arriving with little except cheap Chinese Obama phones. Additionally, that huge amount of migrants will tax the limited taco stands and Taco Bells. As Lightfoot lamented, there goes the neighborhood. In related news, DHS Secretary Mayorkas murdered a 17 year old migrant girl held in DHS custody in a cage. Mayorkas ordered an...
  • President Claims "I'm Not A Crook" Safe and Effective Satire

    05/10/2023 3:06:03 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 8 replies
    5/10/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    President Biden today claimed that he is not a crook, echoing the claims of the former disgraced President Nixon. Despite the claims of Rep. Comer, House Oversight Committee, Biden claims that the 10 million dollars routed through multiple LLCs were the result of consulting fees paid to the best son ever Hunter and himself. Biden noted that he had not engaged in laundering bribes or kickbacks through bogus Netflix deals, bogus book deals or ghost employment at Marxist State Media (MSM) networks as other political entities had done. Biden stated that if Rep Comer and the Ultra-MAGA people did not...
  • Fox News Eyeing Tucker Carlson Replacement (Safe and Effective Satire)

    04/24/2023 2:42:05 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 49 replies
    4/24/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    After the firing of Tucker Carlson, Fox News is scrambling to find a replacement for the popular and ratings king of the evening news. It was decided to initially draft other Fox new personalities to fill the role; however Barf, the children's fire safety dog has refused. Alissa Heinerscheid, the newly hired marketing director, has come to the rescue. She proposes to have the popular and nationwide known Dylan Mulvaney take over the slot. Mulvaney has vast experience in telling stories and will make Fox into the new CNN. It has been reported that Rupert Murdock has approved this appointment...
  • What Is A Woman Seminar (Safe and Effective Satire)

    04/20/2023 3:01:02 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 7 replies
    4/20/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Riley Gaines is planning a free "What is a Woman" seminar in Washington, D.C. for the Biden Administration, Congress, and Deep State bureaucrats. Riley has noted that the Biden Administration, Congress and the Deep State bureaucracies have struggled with the definition of a woman. Riley notes that the Administration's difficulty with the definition of a woman is just part of a pattern of ignorance. Riley will take a "common sense" approach and use anatomically correct dolls to demonstrate the identifying features and differences between women and men. Riley will talk slowly and use small words to help the attendees in...
  • Angry Mob Stalks Black Guy (Safe and Effective Satire)

    04/12/2023 5:25:46 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 1 replies
    4/12/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Jim Crow Democratic Senators on the Judiciary Committee, led by Senator Dick Durbin, are out for the scalp of uppity black Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. Seething for decades about the uppity black getting a Supreme Court Justice position, Senator Durbin launched his attack on the justice after consulting with failed Supreme Court Justice nominee AG Meritless Garland. Garland noted that his FBI maintains a lot of files on uppity blacks following the precedent of the late J Edgar Hoover, which could contain some actionable material. Garland noted that uppity black Thomas took a lot of plush expensive vacations with...
  • Freeper Trolls To Take The RED Pill (Safe and Effective Satire)

    04/11/2023 3:17:38 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 22 replies
    4/11/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Freeper trolls need to take the RED PILL (red pill in all caps for the FBI) after John "Dog Feces" Brennan, former CIA Director, NWO Pimp and American Traitor, gave a speech to the Council on Foreign Relations. Traitor Brennan delivered a speech to the Council on Foreign Relations during which he clearly confessed in plain English to the use of geoengineering for years around the globe. He touts the benefits of spraying aerosol particles in the atmosphere to allegedly reflect sunlight which is allegedly supposed to mitigate the effects of the unproven Climate Change Conspiracy Theory. Unfortunately, the use...
  • California To Remove Historical Christian References (Safe and Effective Satire)

    04/06/2023 7:47:39 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 2 replies
    4/6/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    California Governor Gavin "The Jackal" Newsom has decided to eliminate overt historical Christian references within the state. Newsom believes the references are demeaning, cultist and even racist. Newsom plans to eliminate the references through the use of Executive Edicts as the offending references are brought to his attention by his Offensive References Committee. Executive Edict #1 will rename Los Angeles to Sodom, San Francisco to Gomorrah, San Jose to Josetown, San Diego to Diegotown, San Luis Obispo to Luisville and the San Andreas Fault to Trumps Fault.
  • Nobody Is That Stupid

    04/05/2023 5:15:12 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 23 replies
    4/5/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Nobody is that stupid .... surprise, the voters of Chicago are!!!!! Let's go Brandon, the new Chicago cheer, does not refer to Slow Joe but to the new Chicago Mayor. The new Mayor has vowed to reduce school class sizes ... they will be reduced because of the number of children shot and killed on the way to school. Not to worry, Social Workers will be on the murder scenes to help relatives handle the deaths and assist in getting the organ traffic paperwork signed. Be assured that although your children will be guaranteed to graduate, they will not be...
  • Trans World Airlines (TWA) To Return (Safe and Effective Satire)

    04/04/2023 2:58:15 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 10 replies
    4/4/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Mayor Pete Buttguy, sometimes Secretary of Transportation, announced the return of Trans World Airlines (TWA). Mayor Pete arranged the public/private partnership between the Transportation Department and Richard Branson (noted for his failed Virgin Orbit and successful Virgin Group). Mayor Pete brought the idea of a separate airlines just for LGBTQP+++ air travel customer segment to Richard. Richard bought into the idea immediately, with special emphasis on the "trans" crowd. Specialization would include: in-flight child grooming, in-flight drag queen shows, in-flight fashion shows, trans flight crews, and trans tailored meals and drinks. The real sales pitch will be that the Trans...
  • Green New Deal Public/Private Sector Initiative (Safe and Effective Satire)

    04/03/2023 2:52:17 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet
    4/3/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Yesterday, the FDA announced a Green New Deal Public/Private Sector initiative for sustainability. The Sinaloa Cartel purchased FDA approval of Narcan (naloxone HCI) to be purchased over-the-counter without a prescription. This will ensure the sustainability of the Cartel's customer base and will ensure sustained compensation to the Administration's personnel, including 10% for the Big Guy. Former ambulance chaser and current HHS Secretary Xavier Becerra has noted, although an over-the-counter product, Narcan purchases will be reimbursable under Medicaid and Medicare. Becerra stated, based upon his extensive experience in the medical field, that the use of Narcan will bring the Fentanyl and...
  • Biden Administration Mandates Dim Bulbs (Safe and Effective Satire)

    04/02/2023 2:49:50 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 15 replies
    4/2/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    The Biden Administration is going to pass mandates for dim bulbs in all American households (aka LED lights). The Administration has currently filled all it's cabinet secretary and director positions with dim bulbs which are not technically LED bulbs but are of similar low output. Failed former Mich Governor Jennifer Granholm thought up this nonsense all on her own. Receiving no press or adulations from the American people Jenny came up with this plan to ruin the eyesight of the American people with this LED mandate. Jenny has mandated that by July 2023, light manufacturers will have to quit manufacturing...
  • DOCTOR Jill Selects Federal Employee Working Woman Of The Year (Safe and Effective Satire)

    03/25/2023 5:51:38 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 5 replies
    3/25/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    DOCTOR Jill selected the Federal Employee Working Woman of the Year with only a week left in Women's History Month. DOCTOR Jill selected Mayor Pete Buttguy over thousands of other highly qualified Federal Employee working women. DOCTOR Jill noted the Mayor Pete frequently reported to work in spite of having two young children to take care of. Mayor Pete stayed at home and remotely viewed the Ohio train wreck to ensure that no toxic waste or mud were tracked into her house (hubby's orders). DOCTOR Jill noted that she had the same challenges when raising her children yet performing her...
  • NYC DA Bragg May Pull It Out Yet (Safe and Effective Satire)

    03/23/2023 2:37:55 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 8 replies
    3/23/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    NYC DA Bragg may get that Trump indictment yet. Although there seems to be chaos in the DA's office and the Grand Jury being cancelled for a second day in a row, Bragg has a game changer up his sleeve. Bragg is furiously fund raising in the background to provide raises and increased benefits to members of the Grand Jury in addition to necessary Grand Jury rule changes. Bragg attributes the lack of an indictment of Trump to the notoriously low compensation provided, lack of benefits, and the boring environment. In addition to the 15,000% increase to the compensation, he...
  • A Day In The Life Of A Snake Oil Salesman (Safe and Effective Satire)

    03/21/2023 4:58:10 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 1 replies
    3/21/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Today, Snake Oil Salesman Dr Mengele Fauci joined with Washington, D.C., Mayor Muriel Bowwow to give away free COVID shots to the local natives. Neither were mugged or shot during their one hour initiative which may have been because of the SWAT team accompanying them. They had little success because DC is a deeply Republican area and everyone knows Republicans will not take the shot because the authorities want them to get them. Dr Mengele said that these obstinate people would only make the pandemic last longer than necessary. Dr Mengele did receive suggestions regarding the shots. Several suggested that...
  • Janet Yellen Clarifies Bank Bailouts (Safe and Effective Satire)

    03/17/2023 7:54:22 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 3 replies
    3/17/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Janet Yellen, Secretary of the Treasury, clarified how the bank bailouts would be handled. Although Yellen is no longer with the Federal Reserve, she has stepped up to dictate how the bailouts will be structured and processed. Yellen has decided that all depositors at the failed banks will be made whole for amounts above the FDIC $250,000 insurance limit if they have donated to the DNC or Biden's 2020 election. Depositors who have not donated to the DNC or Biden are advised that life is not fair and that they will get their guaranteed $250,000 back eventually after they sue....
  • FBI Goes Hi-Teck (Safe and Effective Satire)

    03/10/2023 5:46:48 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 2 replies
    3/10/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    The FBI has decided to do some hi-tech upgrades because they have been mocked and ridiculed over several recent incidents. Potato Head Wray, FBI Director, was mocked because he said he couldn't catch criminals attacking pro-life facilities because they happen at night. Wray has purchased 30,000 flashlights to be issued to all agents. In addition, all agents will be required to attend and pass a 40 hour flashlight basic handling course. After completing the basic course, agents will be required to attend the 6 week nighttime policing course contracted with The Lighthouse for the Blind. Course instructors will teach the...
  • Biden FAA Nominee Excels During Senate Hearing (Safe and Effective Satire)

    03/06/2023 2:54:22 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 6 replies
    3/6/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Biden FAA nominee, Phillip Washington, admitted that he knew nothing about the FAA's operations or responsibilities but did correctly supply his name to the Senate panel. Although the CEO of the Denver Airport, Phil tried not to get too involved with "airplane" stuff and focused on ensuring all the airport concourse vendors anteed up big bucks. Phil did suggest some changes to improve air travel. First he would promote all co-pilots to pilots which should relieve the pilot shortage. Latin American immigrants would be pushed through the same pilot course that the 911 terrorists used to become co-pilots. Since co-pilots...
  • Homeless Couple To Wander The London Streets (Safe and Effective Satire)

    03/01/2023 8:01:48 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 9 replies
    3/1/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    A homeless couple was seen wandering the London streets pushing shopping carts of personal items and clothes. Former Prince Harry and his feckless wife were stunned returning from their World Privacy Tour that they had been evicted from the Frogmore Cottage. It has been rumored that the former Prince has been unemployed and that the meager royalties from his book (Waaagh) have left them poundless. The millions derived from Netflix and Oprah were piddled away by his feckless wife and high living on the World Privacy Tour. The former Prince has several offers as a doorman or server at the...
  • Up In Smoke (Safe And Effective Satire)

    02/26/2023 3:01:28 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 5 replies
    2/26/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    This week, Mayor Pete Buttguy (SOT) saw her presidential aspirations go up in smoke in Ohio. Her inability to separate her domestic duties from her real job as Secretary of Transportation ruined her lifelong goal to be President of the United States. Starting in her early childhood, being a poor black child raised on an impoverished Indian Reservation in Indiana, she sought to make something of herself. Yes, she dreamed of being the first female President of the United States and concurrently the First Lady of the United States. Being honored to be addressed as Madame President and First Lady...
  • Why Mayor Pete Took So Long To Show Up (Safe and Effective Satire)

    02/24/2023 3:07:36 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 12 replies
    2/24/23 | RetiredTexasVet
    Mayor Pete Buttguy (SOT) today explained why it took her three weeks to show up at the trail wreck in Ohio. She stated that she had so many things going that she finally got around to showing up. Because of the chest feeding requirements of the children, it took a week to train her husband to perform the task and the icky diaper changing routine. Because she didn't know what the proper attire to wear to a train wreck, she consulted with Dr Jill and VP Harris. Neither of them had a clue so she contacted Sam Brinton for fashion...