Scientists Warn Of New Supersized Double Mega Limited Edition Teenage Mutant Ninja Snyder Cut COVID Variant With Frickin' Laser Cannons

The Babylon Bee ^ | July 30, 2021 | The Babylon Bee

[Tolerance Sucks Rocks]

U.S.—Scientists are warning of a deadly new COVID variant: the Supersized Double Mega Limited Edition Teenage Mutant Ninja Snyder Cut Variant With Frickin' Laser Cannons.

"God help us all," murmured one scientist at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "It's evolved laser cannons! Frickin' laser cannons! If it weren't so deadly, it'd be pretty frickin' rad. Man, oh man."

The new variant is double the size of the last one. It is also supersized, so it comes with larger fries and a giant sweet tea, which is a nice consolation for it being so deadly. It's a limited edition, so get it while supplies last. It also apparently had radioactive sludge spilled on it while it was being developed at the Wuhan lab, so it has developed a craving for pizza and the tendency to shout, "Cowabunga!" and other radical phrases. And, as we mentioned before, it's got frickin' laser cannons. Finally, it's the Snyder Cut of the virus, so it has over 4 hours of extra lung-hacking action.

"This virus is now totally rad," said Dr. Fauci. "I hope you guys like it."

Fauci has promised the "Fauci Cut" coming soon, where he has total creative freedom to create the virus without the Chinese government editing his work so closely.

[Tolerance Sucks Rocks]

Virus on the Half-Shell!

[SkyDancer]

And here I am un-injected.

[mass55th]

Does it come with a decoder ring?

[BrexitBen]

Unfortunately, half the population would buy this completely if it was telecast on NBC.

[Sacajaweau]

Go BEE!!

[Nateman]

I hear the new super sized China Virus also causes Global Warming and Tornadoes with sharks. Sharks with freaking lasers!

[glimmerman70]

Best stay locked down and masked up..

[Chode]

the DoublePlusUngoodViris

[Magnum44]

[ClearCase_guy]

The good news is that once the virus is Super-Sized, the masks might actually do something.

[The Louiswu]

Mirrors. The gov will mandate we all carry mirrors at all times as it’s generally felt that frickin lasers are useless against mirrors.

[Sirius Lee]

Covid got into my trash can at the end of the driveway this morning and knocked it over before the Trash truck was able to get there. I guess it likes left over spaghetti and meatballs that have gone slightly bad.

[BenLurkin]

[mewzilla]

ROTF!!!

I ❤ The Bee!

[G Larry]

Great!

What's a Snyder Cut?

[a fool in paradise]

Oh noze

[Billthedrill]

Well, nuts. I guess World Socialism is the only answer.

[a fool in paradise]

CDC hasn’t bern actually testing anyhoo

[LibertyWoman]

touche’

[freedumb2003]

Dude!