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Keyword: semisatire

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  • CDC: Natural Immunity to Covid Not Our Concern [semi-satire]

    11/15/2021 12:14:27 PM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 November 2021 | John Semmens
    Persons who have contracted Covid and recovered would seem to be a relevant factor in determining the course of the current pandemic. For centuries it has been known that survivors of virulent diseases routinely acquire immunity to the pathogen. Serums derived from their blood have often been used to assist others to survive. Yet, the US Centers for Disease Control (CDC) says it has not looked into this. The CDC's information officer Roger Andoh admitted that "we don't have a single instance in which a survivor of covid was found to transmit the infection to another person. In our defense,...
  • Trump refused to provide foreign aid to Nigerian Prince

    12/08/2017 11:59:58 AM PST · by GraceG · 35 replies
    CNN is reporting that the Trump campaign in 2016 apparently refused a request for help from a Nigerian Prince in a deep financial turmoil. This refusal of foreign aid to the deeply troubled African country only proves what an absolute racist Donald Trump is! The Nigerian Official reportedly sent the Trump campaign a desperate plea for help via his only means of communication which was E-mail. This desperate plea for help on behalf of his country and his people was summarily filtered to the SPAM folder on the Trump Campaign E-mail server in a callous act of indifference! The Trump...
  • Illegal Aliens should get more benefits than Citizens ~ Vanity

    02/18/2015 4:07:41 PM PST · by GraceG · 32 replies
    GraceG
    Now hear me out fellow freepers, before you start spam hate posting me. I think that these poor illegal aliens, ermmm, illegal immigrants, err.. Undocumented Workers, errr.... citizens of the world that apparently lost their documents in tragic paper shredding accident. Where was I? Oh yes they deserve a LOT MORE benefits than any old dumb legal born here citizen from flyover country. We should hire some radical Islamist (who need jobs, obviously) to hand out SNAP and EBT cards at the border to these "folks" so they can get a head start on the "glorious socialist American communist dependency...
  • Satire: Top Democrat Says Republicans Scarier than Ebola, ISIS

    11/02/2014 2:50:29 PM PST · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Satire ^ | 1 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    Democratic National Committee Woman, Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla), agreed with CNN host Candy Crowley that Republicans are scarier than either the deadly Ebola virus or the ISIS terrorist army. “Bad as Ebola and ISIS, or ISIL as the President calls it, may be they have the saving grace of representing a nondiscriminatory threat to all Americans,” Wasserman-Schultz contended. “The depredations of the GOP are exclusively targeted against Democratic candidates and Democratic constituencies. If Republicans are successful in selling their message to the voters it will exclusively be Democrats who are turned out of office. It will be exclusively Democratic clienteles...
  • Satire: Veep Says Tea Party “Worse than Republicans”

    10/01/2014 1:13:01 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Sep 2014 | John Semmens
    Vice-President Joe Biden castigated the Tea Party as “worse than Republicans. Democrats have their differences with the GOP, but we all agree on the need for the strong hand of government to control things. The Tea Party, though, is just anti-government. They don’t just want to take turns in the driver’s seat. They want to dismantle the machine and turn individuals loose to fend for themselves.” To help illustrate his point, Biden pointed out that “House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) was recently quoted saying that he is Obama’s best friend. You’ll never hear something like that from a Tea Party...
  • Dems Take Issue with Iraq Intelligence Report

    04/07/2008 4:06:10 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies · 65+ views
    AZCONSERVATIVE ^ | John Semmens
    Democratic leaders called the latest National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) on Iraq ‘s assessment of President Bush’s “surge” strategy “incredible.” General David Petraeus, the top U.S. commander in Iraq, and Ambassador Ryan Crocker, the top U.S. diplomat in Baghdad are said to be facing a tough grilling when they give testimony to key congressional committees this week. “To be blunt, I find the report incredible—as in hard to believe,” Senator Carl Levin (D-Mich.) said. “The claim that there has been significant progress in Iraq directly contradicts what the Democratic leadership in congress and our two presidential candidates have been saying. It...
  • LA City Council Debates “Ban” on Homicides

    04/06/2008 8:47:52 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies · 42+ views
    AZCONSERVATIVE ^ | 5 April 2008 | John Semmens
    A motion to proclaim a 40-hour moratorium on homicides in honor of the 40th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s assassination was vigorously debated by the Los Angeles City Council before the idea was shelved. The ban had been proposed by author and political commentator Earl Ofari Hutchinson as “a first small step toward the eradication of violence in our city. We start with 40-hours. Once we see we can do without murders for that small period, we go for 40-days, then 40-weeks, etc. Eventually, there will be no more killings. That would be the ultimate tribute to the memory of...
  • Carville Explains “Judas” Remark “Milder than Warranted”

    04/05/2008 9:03:47 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies · 69+ views
    AZCONSERVATIVE ^ | 5 April 2008 | John Semmens
    James Carville, long-time political advisor to the Clintons explained that calling New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson a “Judas” for endorsing rival Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) for president was “mild” compared to what is yet to come. “I was going easy on the guy,” Carville alleged. “If I’d wanted to get tough I would pointed out that Richardson has lost the privilege of swallowing anymore of Bill Clinton’s semen.” Richardson denied that he deserved either the remarks or being “cut off from life’s ambrosia.” “It’s unfair,” Richardson complained. “Did I rat on them when they took bribes from the Chinese government?...
  • Chinese Government Dismisses Criticism of Its Massacre of Tibetan Monks

    04/04/2008 8:49:37 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies · 182+ views
    AZCONSERVATIVE ^ | John Semmens
    Hundreds of monks, nuns and local Tibetans who joined a march demanding the Dalai Lama be allowed to return to Tibet were fired upon by Chinese troops. Several were killed and dozens injured. General Wong Wei defended the action as “necessary to the security of the Chinese state” and dismissed criticisms as “misplaced.” “Their religion urges its followers to seek the nothingness of Nirvana,” Wong snidely remarked. “We have sped some of them along toward fulfillment of that quest. It is illogical of them to object.”
  • Israel Rejects Offer of Help from Carter, Annan

    04/03/2008 4:38:47 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies · 59+ views
    AZCONSERVATIVE ^ | 29 March 2008 | John Semmens
    Israel issued a formal rejection of a recent offer by former U.S. President Jimmy Carter and former UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan to “help defuse hostilities in the region by personally driving buses that would evacuate Jews from the Palestinian lands.” Carter and Annan sent their proposal to Israel in early March. They indicated that they were lining up other celebrity drivers including South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu and former Irish President Mary Robinson to be part of the bus driving team. Carter also apologized for not doing more. “I really had hoped that Fidel would be part of our team,...
  • Professors Baffled by Global Warming Survey

    04/02/2008 3:54:59 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 24 replies · 179+ views
    AZCONSERVATIVE ^ | 29 March 2008 | John Semmens
    A trio of university professors conducting a telephone survey on people’s responses to the “global warming crisis” were stunned to discover that the more informed the respondents were, the less alarmed they are. The results were reported in an article, titled “Personal Efficacy, the Information Environment, and Attitudes toward Global Warming and Climate Change in the USA” appearing in the journal Risk Analysis. Dr. Paul M. Kellstedt, a political science professor at Texas A&M, called the results “unsettling.” “Considering the extensive efforts of former vice-president Al Gore, most of the media, and the academic community to alert people to this...
  • Clinton Backers Warn Pelosi

    04/01/2008 3:28:36 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies · 122+ views
    AZCONSERVATIVE ^ | 29 March 2008 | John Semmens
    A group of 20 prominent Hillary Clinton donors sent a letter to House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) warning her to retract her comments that superdelegates ought to mirror the voters’ choice in the primaries. The Clinton supporters wrote Pelosi “we don’t want our investment to be undermined by your uncalled for meddling.” The letter went on to point out that Pelosi’s position could be considered risky, reminding her that “a number of others who have undertaken actions that were detrimental to the Clintons have met with unfortunate accidents. By no means are we saying that the Clintons bear...
  • DNC Chairman Addresses Presidential Experience Factor

    03/31/2008 3:24:04 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies · 126+ views
    AZCONSERVATIVE ^ | 29 March 2008 | John Semmens
    In the midst of sagging public confidence in both of the Party’s presidential contenders, Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chairman Howard Dean took up the issue of experience. “People are saying that Senator McCain’s wartime experience makes him a better fit as the nation’s Commander-in-Chief,” Dean said. “But let’s look at the record.” “It’s true McCain fought in Vietnam, but what did he accomplish?” Dean asked. “He crashed his plane and was captured. He spent six years languishing in the ‘Hanoi Hilton.’ And we lost the war. That’s not much of an achievement.” “While McCain was failing in Vietnam Hillary Clinton...
  • Obama Claims “Special” Birth

    03/30/2008 9:08:02 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 14 replies · 544+ views
    AZCONSERVATIVE ^ | 29 March 2008 | John Semmens
    Not to be outdone by Democratic presidential rival Senator Hillary Clinton’s bogus claims to have been named after the man who climbed Everest six years after her birth and narrowly escaped death in Bosnia, Senator Barack Obama claimed that a 1965 civil rights march in Selma Alabama encouraged his parents to give birth to him in 1961. According to Obama, “the 1965 civil rights march inspired my father to abandon his wife in Kenya and come to America in 1960—even dodging sniper fire when his plane landed at the Honolulu airport—just so he could marry a white woman and father...
  • UN Secretary General Criticizes Dutch Film

    03/29/2008 7:25:09 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies · 161+ views
    AZCONSERVATIVE ^ | 29 March 2008 | John Semmens
    United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon expressed his fear that the posting to the Internet of Dutch politician Geert Wilders’ “Fitna”—a film linking Islamist violence with passages from the Koran—would “incite retribution.” Ban said that “while freedom of speech sounds good in theory, its advocates are overlooking the risks. The Koran bids Muslims to spare unbelievers who submit and pay the jizya. But does Wilders acknowledge this option for peaceful coexistence with Islam? No. He one-sidedly focuses on the consequences to those who stubbornly reject this offer.” “We must recognize that the real fault lies not with the Muslims, but...
  • Professor Urges Firearms Industry Be Held Liable for Crimes

    03/28/2008 3:10:28 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies · 254+ views
    AZCONSERVATIVE ^ | 22 March 2008 | John Semmens
    University professor George Nation, is advocating that manufacturers of guns be required to bear financial liability for the harm suffered by persons who have been injured by the criminals using their products. “It’s simple,” Nation said. “If we put the gun makers out of business we will largely put an end to crime.” The professor brushed off arguments implying that his logic would hold food manufacturers liable for the ills of obesity. “If they think to dissuade me by such logic, they’re mistaken,” Nation said. “As far as I’m concerned, food manufacturers should be held liable for obesity. In an...
  • Kerry Says Obama Best Suited for Dealing with Muslim Nations

    03/27/2008 4:10:49 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies · 191+ views
    AZCONSERVATIVE ^ | 22 March 2008 | John Semmens
    Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.), says one of the reasons he’s supporting Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) for president is his belief that Obama would have an easier time dealing with Muslim nations because “he is half Wog.” “Senator Obama is dark-skinned just like most Muslim leaders,” Kerry observed. “He will be accepted by them. After all, he is half Wog. Even though his mother was a typical white person, his father was a Muslim from Kenya. This should open many doors for him in the Middle East.”
  • Spitzer Successor Boasts He Never Had to Pay Any of His Own Money for Sex

    03/25/2008 7:27:00 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies · 233+ views
    AZCONSERVATIVE ^ | 22 March 2008 | John Semmens
    New York’s Governor David Paterson (D) boasted that unlike his predecessor, the disgraced former Democratic Governor Eliot Spitzer, he’s never paid high or low priced prostitutes for sex. “Eliot doesn’t have mojo,” Paterson asserted. “When you’ve got mojo like I have the babes beg for it.” Mojo, however, may not have been Paterson’s only asset in wooing the babes. It appears that campaign cash and appointments to state jobs may have played a role in greasing the skids for his liaisons. At least two state employees have been alleged to have had illicit trysts with Paterson “during the rocky years...
  • California Legislator Takes Aim at Ammunition

    03/23/2008 9:12:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 16 replies · 371+ views
    AZCONSERVATIVE ^ | 22 March 2008 | John Semmens
    California State Assembly Member Kevin De Leon (D-Los Angeles), introduced a bill aimed at skirting the Constitutional right to bear arms. Assembly Bill 2062 would require that gun owners obtain a permit to buy ammunition. Applicants for a “permit-to-purchase” would be required to submit to a background check, pay a $35/bullet fee, and wait 30 days to receive the permit. “The Constitution may say the people have the right to bear arms, but it doesn’t say the arms have to be loaded,” De Leon said, touting his own “stroke of genius.” “We will make guns into useless paperweights and put...
  • City Rejects Boy Scouts Aid for Troops [Satire]

    11/21/2007 2:38:40 PM PST · by John Semmens · 12 replies · 56+ views
    AZCONSERVATIVE ^ | 17 Nov 2007 | John Semmens
    A Cambridge Massachusetts Boy Scout troop was baffled by a city official’s rejection of their donation of care packages for U.S. troops in Iraq. Cambridge officials objected that the Scouts’ donation was “political.” “Look, the Boy Scouts are a homophobic organization,” said Richard Dickman, Community Relations Director for the city. “For us to have accepted their donation would have entailed an implicit endorsement of their hateful agenda.” Dickman also contended that “supporting the troops like these Scouts are trying to do is not ‘politically neutral.’ It’s saying we are taking one side over another in the Iraq conflict. The City...