Free Republic

WYOMING—It was a blistering 7 below zero this morning at Yellowstone National Park, but that didn’t seem to faze Buffalo Guy Jake Angeli, who was grazing on the vegetation. FBI agents were made aware earlier this week that Yellowstone is Angeli’s natural habitat, so they arrived on the scene this morning with a warrant for his arrest and their weapons drawn. “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!” shouted FBI agent Patrick Henderson as Angeli’s head emerged from the tall grass. “HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!” “You talking to me?” asked the Buffalo Guy with his mouth full. “Because these are clearly hooves, not...

U.S.—Donald Trump was permanently banned from Twitter today, being a crazy fringe extremist who also happens to be the president of the United States. But the ever-clever Trump, always known as the smartest man in the room, has managed to get back on the social network by disguising himself as one Chongald Xrump, PR specialist for the Chinese Communist Party. Trump is reportedly attempting to build a following by tweeting about how good Uighur concentration camps are and how nice the Chinese government is, since those things are not banned under Twitter's terms of service. Once he has enough followers,...

New York Assembly Member Jonathan Jacobson (D-Newburgh) is sponsoring a bill that would outlaw the possession of body armor by any private person in the state. Jacobson explained that "with millions of potential Trump-supporting insurrectionists residing in our state our law enforcement and national guard troops could be substantially outnumbered. The only edge we have is the body armor we can provide for our troops. To protect this edge we must immediately ban the possession of similar equipment by private persons." Jacobson acknowledged that "there might be legitimate reasons for a person to want such protection. For some unknown reason...

The dangerous, evil, all-powerful, fascist, Nazi dictator Donald Trump has been voted out of office and censored, as is tradition for evil dictators. “I never thought I’d live to see the day where America is ruled by a dictator!” said concerned American Kelly Lampler. “But at least now he’s a dictator that has been effortlessly silenced online!” “We are living through scary times indeed under the rule of this fascistic tyrant,” said worried CNN reporter Zeeke Chambers at a time when zero journalists or dissenters have been silenced, jailed, or executed by this administration. Like many dictators before him Trump...

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) is drafting articles of impeachment against President Trump. "People ask me why I'm going to the trouble," Omar said. "They say he lost the election and has agreed to transfer power to Biden on January 20th. But Trump has also said that he will never stop trying to make America great. If we simply let him leave he will be free to do that. We need to drive a stake through the heart of this monster. If we impeach him we can bar him from ever seeking office again." "A little more than two years ago...

After getting word that some of the people who went to protest at the capitol were not entirely peaceful and respectful toward members of Congress, Trump urged all his supporters to “go home in peace.” Twitter cited this tweet as a rationale for permanently banning Trump from his Twitter account. As CEO Jack Dorsey explained “the meme being broadcast by the media is that Trump goaded his supporters to terrorize the federal government in order to seize control and overthrow our democracy. His ‘go home in peace’ tweet falsely contradicts this meme. We cannot allow our platform to be used...

After the "Stop the Steal" rally held in Washington DC on Wednesday, thousands of those who attended walked over to the Capitol to protest the acceptance of electoral votes obtained by election fraud. As hundreds of shrieking congressmen cowered under their desks a police officer shot an unarmed protester trying to enter the chamber where the debate initiated by formal challenges to some of the electoral votes was getting underway. President-Elect Joe Biden characterized the protest as an insurrection and blamed Trump "for inciting what history will come to be called the worst threat to democracy this country has ever...

Chiding the Trump Administration's plan for distributing the COVID vaccines too slowly, President-Elect Joe Biden promised to "step on the gas pedal." Since the vaccines currently available seem to require two shots per patient for optimal effectiveness, the Trump Administration has been reserving the second shots in order to ensure that they can complete the immunizing protocol. "Look, we are able to send out stimulus checks even though the federal government is trillions of dollars in debt," Biden said. "Republicans are always scared that there won't be money to fund necessary expenditures. Now they are scared that there won't be...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Ignorant Republicans rioted yesterday but didn't even snag any free big-screen TVs out of the deal, sources at the Capitol Building reported. The short-sighted protesters stormed the Capitol without stealing a bunch of stuff, prompting many to question whether they really understand the purpose of a peaceful protest at all. "Look at these morons, rioting at the Capitol when there's a perfectly good Target just down the street," said one CNN reporter. "If they'd looted a bunch of local businesses in the name of social justice or whatever, we'd be covering this protest a heck of a lot differently,...

Distressed at what a rising surge of out-migration is doing to the State's finances, Democrats in California are poised to make another run at enacting a wealth tax on these emigrants. Assemblyman Rob Bonta, sponsor of the wealth confiscation bill, acknowledged that "the right of persons to live wherever they want is a foundation block of a progressive society. That's why we need to erase our borders. However, this right does not extend to any property they might own. There is historic precedent for extracting an exit fee from those leaving a state. Notably, Germany had such a fee during...

Slow Joe and Willys' Hoe are planning their post inauguration festivities in true communist tradition. Slow Joe, Willys' Hoe and the communist politburo will be rounding up the entire Trump family and dress them up as the Tsar Nicholas family. The children will be bayoneted and then shot in front of their families. The adults will be shot will be shot and publicly displayed by the Marxist State Media. Marxist State Media giants will have first choice at souvenirs. This will be done because of their many crimes and to ensure that all vestiges of the family are erased from...

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) announced a new congressional committee to "combat the concentration of wealth in America and its role in triggering 2020's economic collapse. Millions of people lost their jobs. Thousands of businesses were closed. We need to find out how this was allowed to happen." Critics were quick to point out that the government played a major role in the economic misfortune inflicted on so many Americans. In Pelosi's home state it was Democrat Gov. Gavin Newsom who ordered a series of stay home and business shutdown orders that spurred the sharpest decline in personal income for...

Southern CA. Medics are required to deny care to emergencies where the patient is not expected to recover. Due to Southern California hospital bed shortage, the California Director of Health has ordered medics to triage emergency patients. The Director has issued regulations specifying the criteria for denying care. First, if the potential patient has been dead for more than 1 hour. Second, if the potential patient has been in a car accident and is really icky. Third, if the potential patient is a registered Republican (note that voter rolls must be checked prior to providing care) and it is a...

U.S.—Kamala Harris chuckles as she tells the story. Not the chuckle of an insincere politician making up a story to appeal to her base, but the chuckle of a warm, loving woman. The kind of chuckle you would chuckle while hanging out with your family or locking up non-violent drug offenders for decades. She recalled in her interview with The Babylon Bee how as a little girl she helped slaves escape to the North on the "undewgwound wailwoad." (Did we mention how warm and sincere she was? It was like talking to your best bud). "My parents were pushing me...

The remains of what may be a 6000-year-old city immersed in deep waters off the west coast of Cuba was discovered by a team of Canadian and Cuban researchers. Offshore engineer Paulina Zelitsky and her husband, Paul Weinzweig and her son Ernesto Tapanes used sophisticated sonar and video videotape devices to find “some kind of megaliths you ‘d find on Stonehenge or Easter Island,” Weinzweig said in an interview.

Georgia Democrat candidate for the US Senate Jon Ossoff touted his "international support" as a reason for voters to elect him on January 5th. Among his benefactors are Chinese businesses and al-Jazeeraa. Ossoff contends that "these connections make me especially well-qualified to serve in the Senate. The Constitution gives the US Senate special powers for dealing with foreign affairs. All treaties, for example must be submitted to the Senate for approval before they become the law of the land." "More important, though, is the fact that by having China in my corner I am better positioned than my opponent to...

Sen. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) called the vote on January sixth to accept the Electoral College's votes for Joe Biden to be the nation's next president "the most consequential vote I have ever cast in my career in the Senate." McConnell asserted that "the issue of whether the election was fair or stolen is, in my mind, secondary to the preservation of the bipartisan comity that is essential to the peaceful transfer of power. Other presidential elections have been stolen—most notably the one held in 1960. In contrast to President Trump's post-election behavior, Republican Vice-President Richard Nixon put the...

In the rocky terrain of the Whitmore mountain range in Antarctica, there have been found fossilized skeletal remains of what seems to be extremely small humans. Interestingly enough, this discovery was made while yours truly was in Antarctica on assignment for The National Reporter to debunk a ridiculous tabloid story about a UFO base in the area.

After issuing a decree banning commoners from celebrating in Times Square on New Year’s eve, Democrat Mayor Bill De Blasio and his wife took advantage of the vacated space to “dance and celebrate on behalf of those who can’t.” “Normally, it would have been unsafe for us to have done this,” the Mayor explained. “Between the press of a dense crowd of potentially diseased COVID carriers and the risk that hotheads who find fault with the repressions necessary to contain the pandemic might accost us, Chirlane and I could never have dared to make an appearance. But with police on...

A vastly improved COVID vaccine is in the pipeline. Because 75% of COVID deaths are caused by "COVID related causes", the CDC and FDA have launched the development of an advanced vaccine to directly address the 75% of COVID case deaths that are not caused directly by COVID, Companies owned by Climate Expert Bill Gates, CDC Doctor Redfield and NIAI Doctor Fauci have been awarded a multi-billion dollar award for the advanced COVID vaccine. The developed vaccine will be projected to cost 5 to 10 times the current vaccine per dose. Health insurance firmly back the creation of the vaccine...