Free Republic

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... Here are the Testimonials of a few people who didn't.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different...

Male SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE. ...It takes less than 15 seconds.. If you're male and around or over 60 yrs of age, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks? 1. _ _NDOM 2. F_ _K 3. P_N_S 4. PU_S_ 5. S_X 6. BOO_S Answers: 1. RANDOM 2. FORK 3. PANTS 4. PULSE 5. SIX 6. BOOKS You got all 6 wrong...didn't you? The good news is: You do NOT have Alzheimer's. You're a pervert.

Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them at the pro shop. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Ethel, at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, quickly undressed, and walked back into the kitchen completely naked, except for the new...

Alexa, I feel that I want to have sex. Alexa: Most certainly...Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees. The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it. I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away per her Uber ride status. I have scheduled her payment from your credit card 2 hours from now. I have checked your wife's GPS and she is shopping in a suburban mall. According to her buying checklist stored on my disk, she will...

Bert, at 85 years of age, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me? Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope." Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new...

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $60 and the girls get $40," she answered. Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam...

A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another. A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand. A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water. A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed. An 'O.J.'- got away with one. A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver. A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver. A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good. A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right. A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of...

I think all sports fans and most everybody else will get a kick out of this letter written to the Chicago Tribune. No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this guy is hilarious... This is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins. Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly jilted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after...

The French government issued a strongly-worded statement Tuesday urging Israel not to apply sovereignty in Judea and Samaria. The statement calls on Prime Minister Netanyahu and alternate Prime Minister Gantz not to "annex", as the move "will have significant implications for Israel's relations with the EU." The French foreign ministry is aligning with the European foreign policy chief, Josep Borrell, who is regarded as the most senior official in Europe who actively opposes the move. "We support the announcement by EU Foreign Minister Borrrell that annexation would be in violation of international law, and would not proceed without implications for...

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with...

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!” And that’s how the fight started… THE MARINE PILOT The teacher gave her 5th-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story w/a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back &, one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled...

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned...

Confucius Say. It's OK to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you. Confucius Say. A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise. Confucius Say. It is better to lose a lover than love a loser. Confucius Say. Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy Confucius Say. A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Confucius Say. Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest. Confucius Say. Viagra is like Disneyland ...a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride. Confucius Say. It...

Southern Humor A guy from ALABAMA passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'till she's 14. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How do you know when you're staying in a MISSISSIPPI hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How can you tell if a GEORGIA redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in ALABAMA to 32? It seems they want to...

Choosing a wife A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts....

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. " Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. " How come I...

SANFORD, Fla. - A Santa Claus at Seminole Towne Center in Sanford has been removed from his duties after an Oviedo woman claimed that he told her child Hillary Clinton was on his naughty list. The mother told Towne Center management the incident happened Tuesday night when she brought two of her children to see Santa. She said when her 10-year-old daughter told him what she wanted for Christmas, he told her she was on his nice list. She said he then asked her, "Do you know who is on my naughty list? Hillary Clinton." The girl said he then...

A former Utah high school teacher had sex with an underage student after she was arrested in October 2013 in another sex abuse case involving that boy and two others, prosecutors said this week. Brianne Altice, 35, was arrested again Wednesday on four new sex abuse charges and released from jail after posting $10,000 bail, court documents say.

A pair of kinky Colorado cops is under investigation after an alleged brawl broke out at a booze-fueled suburban sex party last month. Denver patrolman Steven Sloan pulled a gun on fellow cop Jeremy Ownbey after the two came to blows on May 19 during a planned wife-swapping soirée at Sloane's Aurora pad, cops told the Denver Post. Sloan and his wife, Stephanie, and Ownbey and his wife, Jamie, had spent the evening boozing heavily together when an argument broke out over who would pair up with who, local 9News reported. As things got heated, the Sloans told the Ownbeys...

Courtney Sue Reschke, a 35-year-old Idaho mother was charged with providing alcohol to and having sexual contact with four 15-year-old boys. The Idaho Statesman reports that Reschke appeared in 4th District Court on Dec. 3, 2012, on two counts each of felony injury to a child and felony lewd conduct. Prosecutors allege Reschke has had several sexual encounters with friends of her oldest child at her Kuna home since the start of the school year. Reschke's public defender sought her release without bond so she could keep her job and care for her children. District Judge Cathleen MacGregor Irby said...