Posted on 03/18/2017 4:55:52 AM PDT by sodpoodle
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
" Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either..
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
Was the family Chinese?
Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he had his d*ck stuck in a chicken.
Sometimes the Universe reaches out and gives you SUCH a smack....
Thanks for posting! I really, really needed both of those this morning.
Two old farmers meet up at a crossroads in the fields one morning.
“morning Cryrus”
‘Morning Ephriham’
“how are you?”
‘Good,good.. but I have trouble with the crops’
“trouble?”
‘yes it’s the youngsters. They park their cars in the corn field, they throw out beer cans, chewing gum wrappers,condoms... They are ruining the crop!... hows your Wheat?’
“Fu**ed Flat!”
An Indian boy inquired of his father how he got his name. His father replied that Indian couples, after making love, look outside the teepee, and the first thing they see is what they name any child that might result, such as ‘Running Fawn’ or ‘Great Sky.’ The father then turns to the boy and says, “Why do you ask, Two Dogs F***ing?”
Subject: The Perfect Man
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”
A teacher was inquiring of her young students what hobbies they pursued. When Johnny’s turn came, he said, “I don’t have a hobby, but my father likes to rip up window shades.” “What do you mean?” the teacher asked. Johnny replied, “Well, every night my father tells my mother that if she’ll pull the blinds, he’ll tear off a piece!”
A DEA agent, together with an ATF and an FBI agent as part of a task force, arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska.
The agents tell the rancher, “We need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”
The old rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA agent verbally explodes saying, “Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government with us.”
Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer.
“See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the three agents running for their lives and close behind is the rancher’s bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs…
“Your badges! Show him your badges!”
Q: What’s green, 5 miles long, and has an a**hole every 3 feet?
A: A St. Patrick’s Day parade.
Guy takes two dead rabbits to a taxidermist. “You want them mounted?” he’s asked. “No . . . just holding hands.”
Little girl going down a country road pulling and pulling a big bull. Farmer coming towards her asks her what she’s doing. “I’m taking this bull down to the meadow to mate with the cows.” “Can’t you father do that?” “No . . . it’s gotta’ be a bull.”
The Perfect Husband:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?”
Angela Merkle is going through customs in Greece
Name
Angela Merkle
Nationality
German
Occupation
No just visiting
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