Was the family Chinese?
Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he had his d*ck stuck in a chicken.
Two old farmers meet up at a crossroads in the fields one morning.
“morning Cryrus”
‘Morning Ephriham’
“how are you?”
‘Good,good.. but I have trouble with the crops’
“trouble?”
‘yes it’s the youngsters. They park their cars in the corn field, they throw out beer cans, chewing gum wrappers,condoms... They are ruining the crop!... hows your Wheat?’
“Fu**ed Flat!”
An Indian boy inquired of his father how he got his name. His father replied that Indian couples, after making love, look outside the teepee, and the first thing they see is what they name any child that might result, such as ‘Running Fawn’ or ‘Great Sky.’ The father then turns to the boy and says, “Why do you ask, Two Dogs F***ing?”
Subject: The Perfect Man
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”
A teacher was inquiring of her young students what hobbies they pursued. When Johnny’s turn came, he said, “I don’t have a hobby, but my father likes to rip up window shades.” “What do you mean?” the teacher asked. Johnny replied, “Well, every night my father tells my mother that if she’ll pull the blinds, he’ll tear off a piece!”
A DEA agent, together with an ATF and an FBI agent as part of a task force, arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska.
The agents tell the rancher, “We need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”
The old rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA agent verbally explodes saying, “Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government with us.”
Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer.
“See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the three agents running for their lives and close behind is the rancher’s bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs…
“Your badges! Show him your badges!”
Q: What’s green, 5 miles long, and has an a**hole every 3 feet?
A: A St. Patrick’s Day parade.
Guy takes two dead rabbits to a taxidermist. “You want them mounted?” he’s asked. “No . . . just holding hands.”
Little girl going down a country road pulling and pulling a big bull. Farmer coming towards her asks her what she’s doing. “I’m taking this bull down to the meadow to mate with the cows.” “Can’t you father do that?” “No . . . it’s gotta’ be a bull.”
The Perfect Husband:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?”
Angela Merkle is going through customs in Greece
Name
Angela Merkle
Nationality
German
Occupation
No just visiting
An artist is commissioned to paint a mural that commemorates Custer’s Last Stand. When unveiled, the painting depicts a fish with a halo over it, Custer staring off into the distance, and scores of Indians in various positions of coitus. Taken aback, the lead commissioner asks, “What does all this mean?!” The artist replies, “I wanted to create a scene that immortalized Custer’s last words, and I learned they were ‘Holy mackerel, look at all those f***ing Indians!’”
Old man working in his garden, young boy walks by carrying chicken wire.
Boy says “I’m going to get some chickens”. Old man shakes his head and says “You can’t get chickens with chicken wire”. Hour later, boy comes back with two chickens.
Next day, the boy walks by with a roll of duct tape and says “I’m going to get some ducks”. Old man shakes his head and says “You can’t get ducks with duct tape”. Hour later, boy comes back with two ducks.
Next day, the boy walks by with some pussy willows. Old man says “Hold on I’m coming with you”
A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a TRUMP for President button, and two beers in front of him.
He does not have to be an Einstein, to know that this guy, is a Republican.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican.”
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.
The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”
The union boss once again, loudly orders drinks for, everyone except the Republican.
As before, this STILL doesn’t seem to bother the Republican who continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”
The union boss asks the bartender, “What the hell is the matter, with that Republican? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does, is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?”
“Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns the place.”
A man walks into an empty bar and amazingly sees Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump having a heated argument in a booth in the back. He walks up to the bar and they both introduce themselves warmly and shake hands. After the greeting the man asks “Can I ask what you guys were arguing about so loudly?”
Sanders says “He just told me that he is going to nuke the middle east killing 150 million muslims and a hot blonde with a huge rack”
The man said “Why would you kill a hot blonde with a huge rack?”
Trump says “See Bernie, I told you that the average guy doesn’t give a s##t about the Muslims!”
THE QUESTION IS: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
ANSWER
Golden Retriever - The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb.
Border Collie - Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Dachshund - You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler - Make me.
Boxer - Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab. - Oh, me, me!!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd - I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell - I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog - Light Bulb?!! I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb or lamp.
Cocker Spaniel - Why Change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua - Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer - I see it, there it is, there it is ...... right there......
Greyhound - It isn’t moving..... Who cares?
Australian Shepherd - First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
Poodle - I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.