Posted on 03/18/2017 4:55:52 AM PDT by sodpoodle
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
" Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either..
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
An artist is commissioned to paint a mural that commemorates Custer’s Last Stand. When unveiled, the painting depicts a fish with a halo over it, Custer staring off into the distance, and scores of Indians in various positions of coitus. Taken aback, the lead commissioner asks, “What does all this mean?!” The artist replies, “I wanted to create a scene that immortalized Custer’s last words, and I learned they were ‘Holy mackerel, look at all those f***ing Indians!’”
Mohammedan immigrants, the New Nazis.
Old man working in his garden, young boy walks by carrying chicken wire.
Boy says “I’m going to get some chickens”. Old man shakes his head and says “You can’t get chickens with chicken wire”. Hour later, boy comes back with two chickens.
Next day, the boy walks by with a roll of duct tape and says “I’m going to get some ducks”. Old man shakes his head and says “You can’t get ducks with duct tape”. Hour later, boy comes back with two ducks.
Next day, the boy walks by with some pussy willows. Old man says “Hold on I’m coming with you”
A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a TRUMP for President button, and two beers in front of him.
He does not have to be an Einstein, to know that this guy, is a Republican.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican.”
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.
The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”
The union boss once again, loudly orders drinks for, everyone except the Republican.
As before, this STILL doesn’t seem to bother the Republican who continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”
The union boss asks the bartender, “What the hell is the matter, with that Republican? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does, is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?”
“Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns the place.”
A man walks into an empty bar and amazingly sees Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump having a heated argument in a booth in the back. He walks up to the bar and they both introduce themselves warmly and shake hands. After the greeting the man asks “Can I ask what you guys were arguing about so loudly?”
Sanders says “He just told me that he is going to nuke the middle east killing 150 million muslims and a hot blonde with a huge rack”
The man said “Why would you kill a hot blonde with a huge rack?”
Trump says “See Bernie, I told you that the average guy doesn’t give a s##t about the Muslims!”
THE QUESTION IS: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
ANSWER
Golden Retriever - The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb.
Border Collie - Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Dachshund - You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler - Make me.
Boxer - Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab. - Oh, me, me!!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd - I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell - I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog - Light Bulb?!! I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb or lamp.
Cocker Spaniel - Why Change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua - Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer - I see it, there it is, there it is ...... right there......
Greyhound - It isn’t moving..... Who cares?
Australian Shepherd - First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
Poodle - I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Thanks you all. Really needed a smile.
HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
That was most excellent.
I told my daughter once....
If you get out of bed late in the day, your job will be to serve those that get up early. Sure enough...
At 22 she started a reptile store that opens at 10 am. Two years later she makes over 100 grand per year. Apparently she is serving well!
Fantastic -that is pure brilliance:)
You should post a thread tomorrow ‘Sunday Science Explained’.
On the first day of school, the teacher announced to the class that three Indian students would be joining them this semester. She invited each to stand in front of the class and talk about their tribes.
The first one stood up and said, “I am Apache. My father and I walked for many moons through the desert until we came to the base of a mesa. My father swept his hand across the landscape and said, ‘This is the land of our people, the Apache. And so WE are Apache!’”
The next one stood up and said, “I am Comanche. My father and I walked for many moons across the plains until we came to the banks of a river. My father swept his hand across the landscape and said, ‘This is the land of our people, the Comanche. And so WE are Comanche.’”
The third boy stood up and said, “I am Fukawee. My father and I walked for many moons across the desert. We traveled many more moons across the plains. We came to the base of a mountain and my father raised his hands and said, ‘Where the #### are we?!’”
That is one good joke!
Super cute joke
That is fantastic!!
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