ATTENTION ALL AMERICAN MEN & WOMEN AGED 16-45: Pursuant to Sub-Section 8, Paragraph C of Executive Branch Classified Directive #13334-P, dated 1 May 2004, the Armed Forces of the United States stand directed by President George W. Bush to accelerate preparations for compulsory induction of the adult non-homosexual population into active combat duty in the War Against Terror. Henceforth, and in accordance with established Federal conscriptional provisions, all male and female citizens aged 16-45 must register for the impending draft. Each registrant's personal information will undergo rigorous computer analysis to compile a profile of overall physical, mental, and moral fitness...