Free Republic

DES MOINES -- It's caucus day, the day when hundreds of thousands of Iowa voters, finally getting their chance to respond to months and months of campaign rhetoric, will stay home. I'm not kidding. Officials here are predicting a ''record turnout,'' but it turns out that ''record turnout'' means ``at least 75 percent of the voters will not be turning out.'' I blame the political attack ads. Every time you turn on the TV out here, there's an announcer saying something like: ''What do we REALLY know about Howard Dean's role in the JFK assassination?'' You watch 17 of these...

Whenever I write about art, I get mail from the Serious Art Community informing me that I am a clueless idiot. So let me begin by stipulating that I am a clueless idiot. This is probably why I was unable to appreciate a work of art I viewed recently, titled: Chair. I saw Chair at Art Basel, a big art show held recently in Miami Beach. It attracted thousands of Serious Art People, who wear mostly black outfits and can maintain serious expressions no matter what work of art they are viewing. This is hard, because a lot of Serious...

DES MOINES -- Sen. John Edwards, whose campaign has been officially declared by the media to be in Surge Mode, surged into town and held a real nice event. That's Edwards' campaign theme: He's the nice one. He's NOT negative! He's NOT mean-spirited! He points this out constantly. ''I'm not going to go around calling names,'' he says, ''unlike the lying, scum-sucking toads running against me.'' (He doesn't say that last part out loud, but the message is clear.) Edwards is surging in Iowa because (a) we in the media are severely bored with the other candidates, and (b) Iowans...

DES MOINES - I caught up with surging front-runner Howard Dean here at the Iowa State Fairgrounds, near a gas-station/mini-mart named (I swear) the ``Kum & Go.''Outside the building where Dean spoke were two people -- at least I assume they were people -- one dressed as a giant carrot and one as a giant ear of corn. A representative of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) handed out literature stating that the carrot is ''Chris P. Carrot,'' and he's running for president on the platform of ''teaching American families and their children about healthy vegan diets.'' This...

DES MOINES -- And so we have gathered here, on the frozen cornfields of Iowa, to answer the question that, every four years, grips the nation and -- yes -- the world: What do corn farmers do all winter?They're definitely not growing corn. It's too cold here for anything to grow, unless you count journalists' thighs, which are expanding at an alarming rate from engaging in campaign coverage, which involves a lot of eating while not moving.This brings us to the other big question: Who will win the Iowa caucuses? For that matter, what ARE the Iowa caucuses?I've been covering...

Have you ever wondered why the entire world runs so smoothly? The answer is: Guys. Don't get me wrong: I have the deepest respect for women. My own wife is a woman. But when things need to get done, you cannot beat the results you get when guys swing into action. For an excellent example, we turn now to a news story from The Greenville (S.C.) News, written by John Boyanoski and sent in by alert reader Michael Ester. The story concerns a guy — let's call him Guy A — who had a problem: There were leaves in his...

-snip- Washington, D.C.: PC or Mac? Dave Barry: I have both. That is the kind of cyberstud I am. I like them both for different reasons: The Mac beacause of the terrific design and ease of use, and the PC because I enjoy talking to the fun guys 'n' gals at Technical Support. -snip-

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" These days, people say "Season's Greetings," which, when you think about it,...

Got Rig Envy? Try Viagra DAVE BARRY Let's say you're a middle-aged guy. It's a Sunday afternoon, and you're planning to relax by watching a little football, defined as ''11 consecutive hours of football.'' You settle on the sofa and turn on the pregame show, and the first thing you see is a commercial for a pickup truck. This is followed by another commercial for a pickup truck, and then, for a change of pace, several more commercials for pickup trucks. Then there's about 45 seconds of men talking about football, followed by still more commercials for pickup trucks. At...

It's time once again for Keyboard Korner, the computer advice column that uses simple, jargon-free terminology that even an idiot like you can grasp; the column that shows you how to take command of your personal computer, even if that means reducing it to tiny smoking shards with a hatchet. Today on Keyboard Korner we will address a very important topic: computer security. If you own a computer, or have touched a computer, or have ever shaken hands with somebody who might have touched a computer, you need to take precautionary measures NOW. Because modern cyberspace is not the friendly,...

No, I'm not in favor of bigotry itself. That attitude, wherever it is found, is a cancer on the American body politic. But I am in favor of the recapture of the word ''bigotry'' from those who hold it hostage, and its frequent and vigorous application wherever it is earned. Ask most people what bigotry means, and the dominant answer will be that it is ''discrimination against blacks (and other people of color) by whites.'' A few will give a broader and better answer, that it is ''discrimination against people of different races or religions than yours.'' That's better, but...

I love Christmas in Miami. Oh, sure, it's not like Christmas up north. We don't have Jack Frost nipping at our nose: We have Harvey Heat Rash nipping at our underwear regions. And we never look outside on Christmas morning to discover that the landscape has been magically transformed by a blanket of white, unless a cocaine plane has crashed on our lawn.

Question: What do renowned humor columnist Dave Barry and a Eugene hospital advocate have in common? Answer: A lesson in misrepresentation. Rob Zako, a member of a group opposed to PeaceHealth's plans to build a $400 million hospital in Springfield, has apologized for passing himself off as the Pulitzer Prize-winning writer in a column he distributed last month. The fraudulent column got swept onto the Internet, and Barry asked Zako for - and received - an apology and clarification. Dave Barry"It's annoying," Barry said Monday. "I calmed down after I exchanged e-mail with him, and I realized he meant no...

<p>Iraqi weapons of mass destruction: Were they a real threat? Did they, in fact, exist? If so, will they ever be found?</p> <p>Beats me.</p> <p>Now that I've cleared that up, I'd like to devote what little space I have left to the issue of piñata safety.</p> <p>A piñata is a festive party item, usually shaped like a classic fairy-tale character such as Spider-Man; it is used to traumatize children at birthday parties. This has become very popular: As the parent of a 3-year-old, I attend approximately 84 birthday parties per weekend, and every one has a piñata, as well as (this is federal law) a clown.</p>

Santa Claus, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowperson are starting to appear in the store displays at the mall, and you know what that means! It means it's almost Halloween.

OK, Marlins fans: We have to go through this one more time.I'm talking about getting disrespected by the fans of the other team, because we're not deserving enough.We went through it with the Giants fans, who felt their team deserved to win because they had Barry Bonds, plus they were supposed to win the World Series LAST year.Then we went through it -- big time -- with the Cubs fans, who felt they REALLY deserved to win because (a) the Cubs have not won anything since the glaciers retreated from North America; (b) the Cubs have a better ballpark than...

I'm a huge Marlins fan. I've been following this plucky team ever since they beat the San Francisco Giants, which was, what, nearly a week ago. I live and die by this team! When they win, I drink champagne and dance all night. This is also what I do when they lose, because there is no point in wasting champagne. But I dance in a more subdued manner.The last time I was a huge Marlins fan was October 18 through 26, 1997, which happens to be exactly when the Marlins won the World Series against the Cleveland Native Americans. I'm...

Morgan Quitno Press rates the states’ intelligence with unfair bias towards home state of Kansas. An outfit calling itself “Morgan Quitno Press” recently ranked the 50 United States in order of intelligence, and I am ticked off. My state, Florida, came in 47th. Can you believe that? Forty-seventh! How dare they? How dare they suggest that Florida is more intelligent than three other states? No way! The three states ranked as stupider than Florida were Mississippi, Louisiana, and New Mexico. Granted, these are not gifted states. But stupider than Florida? Stupider than the state that still does not really know...

I've been writing columns for a long time now, two or three centuries at least. I've written on topics that touched a nerve among you readers -- the moronic-TV-commercials nerve, the loud-cell-phone-talkers nerve, and of course the low-flow-toilet nerve. I even touched -- and I regret this deeply -- the Barry Manilow nerve. But I've never touched a nerve like the one I touched when I wrote about telemarketers. To review: In August, I wrote a column about the National Do Not Call Registry, which allows you to go to an Internet site (www.donotcall.gov) and register your phone number. The...

I've been writing columns for a long time now, two or three centuries at least. I've written on topics that touched a nerve among you readers -- the moronic-TV-commercials nerve, the loud-cell-phone-talkers nerve, and of course the low-flow-toilet nerve. I even touched -- and I regret this deeply -- the Barry Manilow nerve.