Separated at birth?
Posted on 01/19/2004 6:45:01 AM PST by John Jorsett
DES MOINES -- It's caucus day, the day when hundreds of thousands of Iowa voters, finally getting their chance to respond to months and months of campaign rhetoric, will stay home.
I'm not kidding. Officials here are predicting a ''record turnout,'' but it turns out that ''record turnout'' means ``at least 75 percent of the voters will not be turning out.''
I blame the political attack ads. Every time you turn on the TV out here, there's an announcer saying something like: ''What do we REALLY know about Howard Dean's role in the JFK assassination?'' You watch 17 of these ads in a row, and the LAST thing you want to do is caucus. You want to crouch in a closet, whimpering.
But those Iowans who are strong enough to get out and caucus this year will be rewarded, because they will be helping to make a decision that will reverberate throughout the annals of American history, loud and clear, until about noon tomorrow, at which point all the candidates, pollsters, media, etc., will have gotten the hell out of here, headed for New Hampshire, leaving the Iowans safe, at last, to turn on their televisions again and start following the Michael Jackson story like everyone else.
Speaking of which: Who's advising Michael on public relations? Charles Manson? Did somebody tell him: ``Michael, when you're charged with child molesting, the best way to garner public sympathy, hands down, is to dance on the roof of an SUV.''
We don't NEED to send people to Mars. We can just ask Michael what it's like.
But getting back to the Iowa caucuses: The race is tight. Nobody knows what the Iowans are going to do.
They are independent people; strong people; people who, when faced with an armed robber, will threaten him with office equipment.
This actually happened here, according to a Des Moines Register story that I swear I am not making up. A woman named DeAnna Rankins was working in a tax-preparation office, when a guy with a knife came in and demanded money. So Rankins grabbed a stapler -- that's correct: a stapler -- and threatened him with it. And he ran away!
Rankins is quoted as saying: ``I would have stapled him.''
Speaking of combat: John Kerry has been in it, although there are times when he goes as long as 90 seconds without pointing this out. Kerry's campaign has surged to the point where he is one of only four or five front-runners here.
He spoke Saturday night at a Des Moines event that drew a huge press turnout, for two reasons: (1) He might be our next president; and (2) His event took place within 1,000 yards of the main media hotel.
After the TV people got set up (at one point, a cameraman yelled at one of the actual Iowa citizens on hand to ``PUT THE HEALTH CARE SIGN DOWN''), Kerry gave a speech about how he will provide jobs, healthcare and education for everybody, while of course reducing the deficit. This is the same thing all the other Democrats will do, but Kerry, according to my notes, is also in favor of hydrogen.
Speaking of lightweight gases: I failed to catch up with Dennis Kucinich, although a Kucinich volunteer did give me a flyer stating that Dennis was holding a rally at a place called (I swear) ''A-Dong Restaurant.'' Tragically, I can't attend, as I'm leaving Iowa.
I'll resume these reports Saturday from New Hampshire, the next crucial step in this strange -- yet, at the same time, bizarre -- process that we use to decide who should lead our nation.
Right now, I'm leaning toward DeAnna Rankins.
75% stay home???
LOL!!! This made me rinse my monitor with coffee...
LQ
There ought to be a Congressional investigation....
LOL!!!
Separated at birth?
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